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How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/she DO? - 11/12/2007 4:38:33 PM

Blaakmaan

Posts: 374
Joined: 5/21/2007
Status: offline

Greetings:

I recently posted a question asking what a Dominant should do to take charge of a submissive.

In response, Stephan (or is it Stephann???) re-stated the question as: "How does a Dominant dominate?"

I think that's a great question!

So submissives, recognizing that every relationship is unique, generally speaking, how does a Dominant dominate you? What does he (or she) do?

If a Dominant answers, the question would be, generally speaking, how do you dominate? What do you do?

And, please, submissives and Dominants alike, I would ask that, in your answer, you give more specifics (e.g., "He tells me what color underwear to wear and which toothpaste to use") than spiritual generalities (e.g., "He leads me towards the light and out of the darkness--or is it towards the darkness and out of the light???")...

I want to better understand the D/s dynamic, and I personally find specifics much, much more helpful!

Thanks to all!

Post #: 1

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/12/2007 4:49:11 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Blaakmaan

Greetings:

I recently posted a question asking what a Dominant should do to take charge of a submissive.

In response, Stephan (or is it Stephann???) re-stated the question as: "How does a Dominant dominate?"

I think that's a great question!

So submissives, recognizing that every relationship is unique, generally speaking, how does a Dominant dominate you? What does he (or she) do?

If a Dominant answers, the question would be, generally speaking, how do you dominate? What do you do?

And, please, submissives and Dominants alike, I would ask that, in your answer, you give more specifics (e.g., "He tells me what color underwear to wear and which toothpaste to use") than spiritual generalities (e.g., "He leads me towards the light and out of the darkness--or is it towards the darkness and out of the light???")...

I want to better understand the D/s dynamic, and I personally find specifics much, much more helpful!

Thanks to all!

Again - he is himself. By virtue of being who he is, I feel submissive towards him.

That may be too general for you but it is the only answer I can give you. He gives orders but I don't think that makes him a dominant. Anyone can give orders. Anyone could walk up to me and tell me what color underwear to wear or toothpaste to buy but unless they were him, I would tell them to fuck off. IMHO, it isn't the order, it is the one giving it.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Blaakmaan)

Post #: 2

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/12/2007 4:51:10 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

I can't be specific about this, I'm sorry. It is like asking my why Aba is Aba and not Adoni. It is just a feeling. Ah! Feeling!

This person makes me feel safe. He makes me feel accepted. He makes me feel wanted. He speaks to my mind. He is intellectual, not put off by my intelligence, he makes me laugh, and he has the ability to make me feel small. This man is logical, can explain his reasoning clearly, and he smiles a lot. His leadership isn't brutal (although is actions may be at times) he is a gentleman, and his leadership is filled with quiet self-assured strength.

The only reason this is any different than a vanilla attraction is because I am submissive and he is Dominant. I just can't do vanilla - it doesn't work for me. It's like love - I can't define it but I sure know it when I feel it.

(in reply to Blaakmaan)

Post #: 3

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/12/2007 4:52:05 PM

forg0ttenclone

Posts: 62
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline

Alot of times, it isn't always about specifics. It could simply be an aura about the Dominant. In my own situation, a simple glance or look can be enough to automatically know what to/not do. She doesnt always have to say or do anything to bring out my own submission. With my initial foray into submitting to Her, no words were exchanged, merely a look, and a soft touch. From that point, i automatically knew that i was Hers. She doesn't have to resort to words or actions to dominate me.

My submission to Her is natural and genuine. That is not to say that her actions or words cannot dominate. Because they can. It can simply be sitting and watching a movie together. Myself sitting on the floor in front of the couch, as she reaches down and touches my head as she scratches my head. A small and simple action that is both comforting as much as it is dominant.

(in reply to Blaakmaan)

Post #: 4

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/12/2007 4:54:11 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

It's not about what doms DO, it's about who we are and the dynamic we creat together.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to forg0ttenclone)

Post #: 5

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/12/2007 5:43:54 PM

ItzKat

Posts: 86
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

I will agree with the others.. there isn't a set list of things that he does. He just is. I knew the moment that I met him that he was the one in charge. When you walk into a room you can just tell someone who is in control and someone that is floudering. While he will at times tell me what to wear (or not wear) he doesn't think for me.. he doesn't tell me what to do day in and day out. I would think that would get tiresome for him and it is just not what I am looking for... but there may be others where that works great in their relationship. I have had more than one Dom tell me I was too agressive to be a sub, but really, I just needed someone that could handle me. I believe every Katherine has a Petrucio. It is a dynamic that happens with two parties together.

Have you tried some of the books on the subject? Here are some of my favorites:
SM101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
The Topping Book: or, Getting Good at Being Bad by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Lisz
(BTW, these are all available on Amazon.com)
I am sure there are plenty of other books out there that could be helpful. Then go to a munch in your area. You don't have to do anything other than tell them you have urges and want to learn. People will fall over themselves with advice.

< Message edited by ItzKat -- 11/12/2007 5:45:21 PM >

_____________________________

~Kat

That which does not kill us... can really mess up our hair!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 6

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/12/2007 5:48:14 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

There are thing I specifically DO, but they are insignficant. The ACTS are not Dominant. *I* am dominant, the acts are acts. The relationship is what makes the acts have meaning. I have 2 boys. I am dominant to both, however what would work well if I told Fox to do it would not do anything with Angel. And Vice versa...

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to ItzKat)

Post #: 7

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/12/2007 5:49:48 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

What does he (or she) do?

He does not do anything other than be himself.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Blaakmaan)

Post #: 8

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/12/2007 7:30:53 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

He's powerful, competent, patient and trustworthy. He has the same moral values I do.

It isn't about what he does, it's about who he is.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 9

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/12/2007 7:58:08 PM

MasterofScyn

Posts: 141
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

This person makes me feel safe. He makes me feel accepted. He makes me feel wanted. He speaks to my mind. He is intellectual, not put off by my intelligence, he makes me laugh, and he has the ability to make me feel small. This man is logical, can explain his reasoning clearly, and he smiles a lot. His leadership isn't brutal (although is actions may be at times) he is a gentleman, and his leadership is filled with quiet self-assured strength.

Couldn't have said it any better. He makes me want to submit to him... With me anyway, it actually feels like i was his slave in a past life, we have that strong of a connection. I can't help but be his slave, it just feels right on so many levels.

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 10

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/12/2007 8:13:18 PM

briska

Posts: 126
Joined: 7/12/2006
Status: offline

Okay. Alot of people here are kind of saying what you don't want to hear - it's true, but i think what you want is more specific.

What does my Sir do that makes Him my Sir?
Well, when He comes home, He sits and makes sure i'm at His feet. i take off His shoes, as He asks, and i then listen to Him talk about His day, or whatever. i, as a submissive, let Him speak or rant or whatever. He makes me ask for things - sitting on the furniture, for example. The rule in the house is that i am not allowed to wear my bra or underwear, though i am allowed other articles of clothing. He reminds me that if He didn't want me to walk on the ground, i wouldn't (theoretically speaking), and generally reminds me - verbally, with a Look, etc - that i am His, and i 'exist' to please Him.

When we started talking about changing our vanilla lifestyle to a D/s one, besides seeing Him as something i could attach myself to, and grow from, He also commanded little things of me, to test me. Call me Sir, whenever you would normally address me. (Yes Sir, No Sir) After a while, with larger tasks (write me a story, a list of what you're into, etc), He would punish me when i got out of line, or failed in a task.

Scening also helped in Him dominating me - making sure, in scene, i got into that headspace where i felt almost as if i owe my life to Him, and that i really do exist to serve His wishes.

Hope that helped a bit more,
b

_____________________________

Mmm... briska!

(in reply to MasterofScyn)

Post #: 11

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/12/2007 8:21:45 PM

rubberpet

Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline

Mistress has a quality about Her that touches me down into the darkes recesses of my soul. No one has ever hit that part of me before. That quality just makes me melt. It's just who She is. It's difficult to describe, but those who feel the same thing with their dominant know what I'm talking about. They just "feel" it with the right one.

If there was one specific thing She does that "dominates" me, it is the way She uses Her voice. A slight change in the tone can show playfulness change to pure dominance. Once again, hard to explain, but it's enough to bring this dragon to his knees so I may take my place beneath Her boot.

_____________________________

Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.

(in reply to MasterofScyn)

Post #: 12

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/12/2007 8:29:15 PM

MasterofScyn

Posts: 141
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline

Master uses my hair as a leash sometimes, specially when I'm being playful and don't let him get his way. (which in the end he always gets his way.) When we are home alone together I'm not allowed to wear clothes, I can wear a robe or nighties, just as long as he can see ALL of me it's ok. When we are together I have to call him Master or M'Lord, when out in public he lets me chose whether or not to adress him in that form. Other than that he lets me make my own choices, if I get out of line though he lets me know. My punishment is being tied up and left alone, sometimes he'll sit there and stare at me, but will not touch me. This drives me insane and he knows it.

Scyn ~

(in reply to briska)

Post #: 13

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/12/2007 11:51:52 PM

darchChylde

Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline

i'm going to cut and paste from another recent post i made in another thread:

quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

for various reasons, including my own choice and a mutual agreement, Ma'am and i have had much less than minimal "play" in our relationship... i'm not saying that i don't want to scene with Her or to have a more physically intimate relationship with Her, but being tied up and beaten doesn't make me submissive to Her, my love for Her and trust in Her wisdom and dominance to

i am submissive to Her because She brings that side out in me just by being Herself, i obey Her because She makes me want to

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to MasterofScyn)

Post #: 14

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/13/2007 3:00:05 AM

Politesub53

Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

i am submissive to Her because She brings that side out in me just by being Herself, i obey Her because She makes me want to

darch summed it up so simply. i really see it in much the same terms as vanilla relationships. Initial attraction, which you both have had, then the next step, such as phone calls and agreeing to meet. Vanilla or D/s if you pretend to be something you are not, cracks in the relationship will start to appear.

You reached this point just by being yourself, so something is working out okay. Reinforcing the dominance can be something simply by the looks you give, or tone of voice. The key is consistency and listening to what the submissive is saying. Its no good being with someone who you are making unhappy or unsatisfied, with a refusual to listen. You may find a submissive who wants you to be more strict, or more formal, or vice versa. Take note of this. They are telling you what works "For them"

Many D types will say " My way or the highway " While i agree with the concept, in as much as they should have the final say, not being adaptable could work against you.

You used the word unique yourself, so while both parties will know how they want things to work, they still bring concepts learnt in previous relationships. You need to be Yourself and not do things the way Master X ( or should that be Master Ex ) used to, unless it suits you and the relationship you are in. It may take a while for someone to change habits and do things your way, and not as they have previously been taught. Just remember that not only is the s type unique, the D type is as well.

Like vanilla relationships it`s all a wonderfull learning curve. Take it slow, be yourself, and good luck

(in reply to darchChylde)

Post #: 15

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/13/2007 4:41:08 AM

aldara

Posts: 6
Joined: 11/11/2007
Status: offline

Greetings,

i agree first and foremost with all the others in that a Dominant dominates simply by being who He is. He is dominant, therefore He dominates. the simple actions, words, deeds are just those: actions, words and deeds that often don't translate into an effective act of domination from one submissive to the next. that is to say, what works for one won't always work for another.

a Dominant dominates in many different ways based on His own style, needs, priorities and preferences. that said, there are some things that a Dominant often does that are effective, in my experience. Some, of course, are better at them than others. there are, of course, many more examples out there. these are the ones that seem to me to be the most common.

He asks pointed questions and doesn't allow the submissive to squirm out of answering them thoroughly.

He corrects behaviours that have displeased Him so that the submissive may learn to better serve Him.

He broadens the submissive's horizons by expanding her comfort zone, pushing her boundaries.

He encourages her to be open entirely to herself, to know herself fully, and to express herself openly to Him within the constraints of the dynamic.

i wish You well,
aldara{M}c

(in reply to Politesub53)

Post #: 16

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/13/2007 6:05:33 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

I thought of a prime example of what he DOES.

In a vanilla relationship it is easy for me to flirt or "cute" my way out of a situation. In a D/s situation, he does not allow it. He cares for me, he knows exactly what I want, he knows what limits I will try to push, and he knows that if he allows me past that limit, I will lose respect for the balance of authority. He does not let me past that mark - keeps me in my place with stern discussion or with physical punishment if it's necessary. I cannot manipulate the relationship (and I'm goooooooooood at manipulating - had many emotionally unhealthy years to practice it).

In making me stay the course, in knowing what I expect, want, and respect, he further assists me in making good healthy choices for myself and for maintaining a healthy relationshp with him. I communicate more effectively, I listen more effectively, and I am a better partner.

(in reply to aldara)

Post #: 17

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/13/2007 8:08:33 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Blaakmaan

Greetings:

I recently posted a question asking what a Dominant should do to take charge of a submissive.

In response, Stephan (or is it Stephann???) re-stated the question as: "How does a Dominant dominate?"

I think that's a great question!

So submissives, recognizing that every relationship is unique, generally speaking, how does a Dominant dominate you? What does he (or she) do?

If a Dominant answers, the question would be, generally speaking, how do you dominate? What do you do?

And, please, submissives and Dominants alike, I would ask that, in your answer, you give more specifics (e.g., "He tells me what color underwear to wear and which toothpaste to use") than spiritual generalities (e.g., "He leads me towards the light and out of the darkness--or is it towards the darkness and out of the light???")...

I want to better understand the D/s dynamic, and I personally find specifics much, much more helpful!

Thanks to all!

Master says..."I own you, you are MINE!" and that pretty much does it for me. If I'm REALLY lucky He'll grab my hair and pull hard, but thats a rare bonus.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to Blaakmaan)

Post #: 18

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/13/2007 9:50:07 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

I will avoid the true and romantic things being written to avoid redundancy but by no means do I think the people who wrote them are wrong. If the person is not themselves and obviously we consider them our dominant that means we think they are a good person then of course the opposite is not going to work on any level.

To me domination is about my Master forcing his will on me. Most of the relationship in day to day terms is about me being submissive to him and not about domination. Domination to me is the active part of the power relationship on the dominant side. It is things done that re-enforce the power exchange dynamic. The doing or asking of things that he knows I do not enjoy for example.

For example I am not being dominated when I clean the house or prepare a meal for him. I am not being dominated when I dress they way he wants me to. These are things coming from my submissive personality and what we have agreed upon in our relationship. Being dominated to me is having decisions or input I may normally have taken away. Being dominated is about the kinks we all like to talk about done for his pleasure only and other things of that nature.

So to me being dominated is whenever I am doing something or something is being done to me that I would not consciously choose at the time or anytime to be done within the context of our relationship and for his pleasure and benefit. It is these type of things that help fuel my submissiveness in our relationship to the level of natural to I want/need to do anything my Master desires as much or as best as I can.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to Blaakmaan)

Post #: 19

RE: How Does a Dominant Dominate You??? What does he/s... - 11/13/2007 10:48:35 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

Daddy instructs, nurtures and trains without it feeling i'm being instructed, nurtured and trained. That's how Daddy "dominates" me.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to Blaakmaan)

Post #: 20

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