RE: How to keep casual, casual?

RE: How to keep casual, casual? (Full Version)

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MistressDolly -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/14/2007 2:53:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BringerOfTears I am fairly well known here under another name and my posts generally elicit positive responses so I am not a fake/poser/wannabee but I want to ask a question anonymously. SO, my question is how to Doms who are very talented/skilled/desirable look at casual/part time/secondary relationships? Please, for the sake of the thread, forgive my arrogance and just assume for the sake of this discussion that the arrogance is justified. How do you keep from having them fall for you? I realize that if I am open and honest about what I want it is their choice to enter into something HOWEVER, I know from experience that many will believe they can remain detached or accepting of being secondary but hearts get broken and feelings get hurt and I can’t enter into something if I think that might happen. I have a specific reason for wanting a secondary/part time partner but I don’t want to break anyone’s heart, I don’t want drama, I just want some honest fun that doesn’t involve any possibility of a “real” future. Thoughts? [Mod Note: font reduced] Find someone emotionally mature and whose life is occupied with obligations, responsibilities and other priorities. :)

Misstoyou -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/14/2007 2:58:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BringerOfTears How do you keep from having them fall for you? You can't, of course. As others have said, you can reduce the odds, but there really are some things a dominant cannot control. (Gasp!)

MystressDream -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/14/2007 3:02:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Misstoyou quote: ORIGINAL: BringerOfTears How do you keep from having them fall for you? You can't, of course. As others have said, you can reduce the odds, but there really are some things a dominant cannot control. (Gasp!) *OMG!!! Say it isn't so!!!! <feeling faint>*

Prinsexx -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/14/2007 4:06:48 PM)
This is such an interesting post for me because it's like the other side of the echo....the other side of my need for commitment. Reading through the posts I have been agreeing with things that others have said. Particularly I recognized Stephann's thoughts:~ there's a bit of a double standard in the community that goes something like dominants may have as many partners to whatever degree of intimacy they want, while submissives are expected to be monogamous and utterly committed to their dominants (and expect that their dominant will not reciprocate.)~ I entirely recognise that as a submissive. Perhaps there is something in the submissive stance that digs into emotionality more so than in the dominant stance. As I switch I am able to see it from both sides. I am far more detached as a domme and am usually quite casual and detached with girls who want to submit to me. It feels like it goes with the territory but I do wonder if their emotions are becoming involved. I also picked dup on on Kana's point that: ~The problem is that BDSM interaction can provoke deep reaction between the two parties..~ I am still flashing back to my 'love affair' with a dom a month ago, I catch the scent of him in the air, remember the taste of him and the sting and the pain and I just wonder, just wonder if he felt connected to me in anywhere near that way. Then again relationships change over time and the changes happen in a more accelerated fashion in bdsm than in vanilla I think. I honestly believe that this is so and there fore to BossyShoeBitch I say I absolutely agree: chemistry is a very powerful thing. and chemistry I believe is always two sided. My life is a paradox and this is the paradox as far as I have insight into it at the moment. I am offended by others' casuality, (yes I do mean the term casuality) but and however I need it myself as to be otherwise has me feeling trapped. I need I suppose simultaneous commitments……… Whew, feel better, for having processed all that in the moment........ ed. to add and yes, MistressDolly, my life is ~emotionally mature and .......is occupied with obligations, responsibilities and other priorities~ but those still don't stop me from falling head over heels (like that a lot) on so many levels once a sadistic b'std has his gaze upon me.

MistressDolly -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/14/2007 4:27:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx This is such an interesting post for me because it's like the other side of the echo....the other side of my need for commitment. Reading through the posts I have been agreeing with things that others have said. Particularly I recognized Stephann's thoughts:~ there's a bit of a double standard in the community that goes something like dominants may have as many partners to whatever degree of intimacy they want, while submissives are expected to be monogamous and utterly committed to their dominants (and expect that their dominant will not reciprocate.)~ I entirely recognise that as a submissive. Perhaps there is something in the submissive stance that digs into emotionality more so than in the dominant stance. As I switch I am able to see it from both sides. I am far more detached as a domme and am usually quite casual and detached with girls who want to submit to me. It feels like it goes with the territory but I do wonder if their emotions are becoming involved. I also picked dup on on Kana's point that: ~The problem is that BDSM interaction can provoke deep reaction between the two parties..~ I am still flashing back to my 'love affair' with a dom a month ago, I catch the scent of him in the air, remember the taste of him and the sting and the pain and I just wonder, just wonder if he felt connected to me in anywhere near that way. Then again relationships change over time and the changes happen in a more accelerated fashion in bdsm than in vanilla I think. I honestly believe that this is so and there fore to BossyShoeBitch I say I absolutely agree: chemistry is a very powerful thing. and chemistry I believe is always two sided. My life is a paradox and this is the paradox as far as I have insight into it at the moment. I am offended by others' casuality, (yes I do mean the term casuality) but and however I need it myself as to be otherwise has me feeling trapped. I need I suppose simultaneous commitments……… Whew, feel better, for having processed all that in the moment........ ed. to add and yes, MistressDolly, my life is ~emotionally mature and .......is occupied with obligations, responsibilities and other priorities~ but those still don't stop me from falling head over heels (like that a lot) on so many levels once a sadistic b'std has his gaze upon me. This is true, and since you have other obligations, etc, you will then be able to have the type of relationship the OP describes. Free and flowy. Given all the other priorities, obligations in your life, you can keep your relationship in perspective, even while madly in love. :) Making it free and flowy as the OP describes. Or perhaps not. :)

Prinsexx -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/14/2007 4:33:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressDolly Making it free and flowy as the OP describes. Or perhaps not. :) More like a pain in the arse than free and flowy...actually a pain in the arse and then free and flowy....yep that's the way it is.....;))

AnimusRex -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/14/2007 5:32:37 PM)
fast reply- How to keep a submissive from falling for you? Be careful what you ask for- isn't part of the thrill of Domination being adored, respected, revered? It isn't called Cock SortaLike...its called Cock Worship. As I mentioned in another thread, it is the intense emotional communion and feelings that we crave. What is casual about the ownership of another person? (Chapter 31...In Which O Adds Sir Stephan To Her Hot List) The only community that has consistantly acheived what you describe is the Swing community- and they have a lot of elaborate rules about how to keep those safeguards in place. There are plenty of swingers in the BDSM world, who simply scene and spank and fuck in brief terrific erotic anonymous encounters. But all pleasurable things come with costs- in the Swing parties, yes, you can fuck a girl with only a hello, and she will scream out in orgasm and not complain when you pull out, turn around and walk away without so much as a word- but just don't expect her to remember your name 20 minutes later when you run into her at the punchbowl....because you are, quite literally, a dildo- a fleshy penis-like device she used to get an orgasm. (Don't get Me wrong- I don't mind being a dildo on occasion- I am, after all, a rutting pig of a Man....I just don't pretend it means anything more than a good rut) If you want a girl to call you Fuckbuddy #5, you were born with the only piece of equipment you need....if you want her to call you Owner, you have you act like one.

Prinsexx -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/14/2007 5:58:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AnimusRex fast reply- How to keep a submissive from falling for you? If you want a girl to call you Fuckbuddy #5, you were born with the only piece of equipment you need....if you want her to call you Owner, you have you act like one. oh I don't necessarily need that piece of equipment........

AnimusRex -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/14/2007 6:41:02 PM)
Chuckles- puts Me in mind of an old comic I saw once...a boy and girl are on the playground showing each other their toys... He points to his marble and says I got one of these... She points to her aggie and says I got one of THESE... He points to a nickel in his hand and says I got one of these.... She points to a dime in her hand and says I got one of THESE He ponders, then points to his penis and proudly says I got one of these.... She lifts her skirt and points to her mound and says...I got one of these...and with one of these I can get as many of THOSE as I want!!

dcnovice -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/14/2007 6:50:54 PM)
Have you tried telling them you picked you crabs since you played last?

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/14/2007 10:43:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AnimusRex fast reply- How to keep a submissive from falling for you? Be careful what you ask for- isn't part of the thrill of Domination being adored, respected, revered? It isn't called Cock SortaLike...its called Cock Worship. As I mentioned in another thread, it is the intense emotional communion and feelings that we crave. What is casual about the ownership of another person? (Chapter 31...In Which O Adds Sir Stephan To Her Hot List) The only community that has consistantly acheived what you describe is the Swing community- and they have a lot of elaborate rules about how to keep those safeguards in place. There are plenty of swingers in the BDSM world, who simply scene and spank and fuck in brief terrific erotic anonymous encounters. But all pleasurable things come with costs- in the Swing parties, yes, you can fuck a girl with only a hello, and she will scream out in orgasm and not complain when you pull out, turn around and walk away without so much as a word- but just don't expect her to remember your name 20 minutes later when you run into her at the punchbowl....because you are, quite literally, a dildo- a fleshy penis-like device she used to get an orgasm. (Don't get Me wrong- I don't mind being a dildo on occasion- I am, after all, a rutting pig of a Man....I just don't pretend it means anything more than a good rut) If you want a girl to call you Fuckbuddy #5, you were born with the only piece of equipment you need....if you want her to call you Owner, you have you act like one. If I understand the op's post correctly, he is saying he wants a part time play partner.. He doesn't want anyone else but his primary to call him owner..He is simply trying to do the honorable thing and not hurt her..

delilahxxx -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/15/2007 1:17:17 PM)
any advice for a sub who accisently lost her heart to a man who only wants casual?

defiantbadgirl -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/15/2007 4:08:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Stephann Yep. To echo and add to a few thoughts, there's a bit of a double standard in the community that goes something like dominants may have as many partners to whatever degree of intimacy they want, while submissives are expected to be monogamous and utterly committed to their dominants (and expect that their dominant will not reciprocate.) This is something I could never see myself putting up with. If I had a partner who wanted to play with others, I would do the same. Either it works both ways or not at all. As for keeping things casual, I think alot of it depends on the reason someone wants to keep things permanently that way. In my opinion, if someone is in an open marriage, they should seek others who are in open marriages or pay a prostitute. Otherwise they should keep their dick in their pants or legs closed until they meet someone they want a more than casual relationship with. Like I said, this is just my opinion, but I think it would prevent alot of heartache.

denika -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/19/2007 5:19:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: akisha ~FR~ there to have fun, and enhance both your and the other person(s) life. You can care for your part time partner but you should never allow yourself to fall in love with them or fantasize that you will ever be more then what you are. Whish is a little extra on the side once in a while. If you can't handle being in that position then you should never agree to it to begin with. Pretty simple if you ask me. I do beleive you can love a secondary partner without causing harm to a primary relationship, there has to be alot of communication going on, but love can happen.. But that is for the case of secondary relationships, not casual partner's that only connect on the rare occasion, but then my interpretation of what 'secondary' or casual is might be diffrent than others. Wolf's denika

cloudboy -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/28/2007 8:51:41 PM)
You probably did not get the answers you wanted on your last thread.

LivingInSin -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/28/2007 10:37:22 PM)
I was talking to a friend of mine about this just last week. She told me that it is very common for this to happen. I thought she was just trying to be nice to me. I'm guessing out of sight, out of mind. If you can't do anything about it.....ignore it. Or at least pretend to ignore it. hugs Drop me a line if you want to talk.

Dari -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 4:04:49 AM)
You can't stop them from falling in love. You can reduce the risk, but you can't stop it. What you can do is, once you realize that is the case, think long and hard about how you will handle it. There's no one right way to handle this sort of thing for everyone, but consider your sub and your relationship carefully, and then do what you can to do the right thing for all concerned - whatever that "right thing" may be.

Machts -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 6:25:07 AM)
I've had the same sorts of things happening from mentoring a sub online. Very wierd. People sometimes ask me why I come across as such a jerk here at times-why I am so MEAN. Outside of speaking my mind-I could add a lot ot treacle and sugar I guess. Mainly I just don;t want to encourage the sort of infatuation that fantasy seekers cultivate. And bdsm ones seem to be some of the worst for doing that. It can be pretty difficult to discourage a woman having a "sub frenzy" from trying to latch onto someone who she thinks might be someone to "nest" with. But I'll do my best.[:D]

forg0ttenclone -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 6:53:54 AM)
Sometimes people fall in love, regardless of how we enter into a relationship or partnership with those we play with. It's bound to happen in this lifestyle, whether we want it to or not. In most cases, there is such a deep bond between Dominant and submissive, that for one not to love the other is near impossible. However; things have to be discussed and talked about openly in regards to emotions and feelings that could be caught up. In the end, i do not think it's the dominant's responsibility to feel He/She has to do something about said feelings. You sometimes have to live and let live. Let the other person work out their feelings the best way they know how. Again, it all goes back to communication, really. Let them communicate to you how they are dealing with those emotions or if they are dealing with them at all. In my own opinion, i feel that love for the other only creates a deeper bond of loyalty, submission, faith, and trust. But those are my two cents or three cents.

sammy7626 -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 6:57:30 AM)
This is a fast reply to the OP. In reading all the responses, one thing I haven't seen mentiond (or maybe I did and I didn't recognize it for that), is the responsibility of the play partner to act like a gasp mature adult. There is nothing in the rule book of relationships that says you have to act on a feeling, just because you have it. I've felt love and attachment for casual play partners before. Just because I have those feelings, doesn't mean that I am required to do anything about them. It is just as much the sub/bottoms responsibility to maintain their end of the relationship as it is the Dom/top's. Given that, and usual human proclivities toward breaking rules. If a sub/bottom starts crossing the line and acting like they are getting attached or wanting more, what is wrong with simply saying ... "You agreed to this being a casual relationship. If you cannot abide by that perhaps we should take a break from our get togethers." Though, one other interpretation of the question "how do you feel about us", could very well be a shortened form of "so how's this working out for you, do you still think we're a good fit for play?" (not likely, but it could happen....)

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