RE: How to keep casual, casual?

RE: How to keep casual, casual? (Full Version)

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Machts -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 7:00:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sammy7626 "You agreed to this being a casual relationship. If you cannot abide by that perhaps we should take a break from our get togethers." I used to make it clear upfront that would happen if they crossed to line. They crossed it anyhow-and it was all my fault. Go figure.

sammy7626 -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 7:03:53 AM)
Yeah, see, that's where the "mature, responsible" part was supposed to come into play. :-)

Machts -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 7:05:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sammy7626 Yeah, see, that's where the "mature, responsible" part was supposed to come into play. :-) And why I was to blame.[:D]

forg0ttenclone -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 7:06:11 AM)
Sammy, You are correct in that things do not always have to be acted upon. We are all mature adults, well, most of us anyhow. We are to maintain our selves as such. But again, we are but human. We screw up and do stupid things some where along the line. But in regards to feelings, they happen. While, they do not always have to be acted upon, i feel they should be openly discussed by both parties to come to an understanding as to where things lie and IF any actions may need to be taken by either party.

Machts -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 7:09:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: forg0ttenclone Sammy, You are correct in that things do not always have to be acted upon. We are all mature adults, well, most of us anyhow. We are to maintain our selves as such. But again, we are but human. We screw up and do stupid things some where along the line. But in regards to feelings, they happen. While, they do not always have to be acted upon, i feel they should be openly discussed by both parties to come to an understanding as to where things lie and IF any actions may need to be taken by either party. And what do you suppose happens if the Top decides that they no longer trust the sub's ability to keep deals after this? And that there will BE no future? These things are not always decided by two way compromise.

Machts -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 7:16:46 AM)
And I guess I'll answer myself-she comes to a message board, whines about what a bastard he is. And the other subs feed her sugar. Of course, she never mentions that fact that it was her that screwed up the deal.. And goes on to repeat the exact same mistake.

forg0ttenclone -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 7:17:47 AM)
You are correct in that things are not always decided by a two way compromise. But in regards to emotions and feelings, they do happen. It's human nature, there are no two ways around it. It's going to happen, whether it is hidden away and never mentioned or brought out in the open. Because someone says one things does not mean they feel another. Feelings and emotions can be worked around. It doesn't mean that the submissive is not able to keep deals or is not trust worthy. If anything, it should show the bottom is open enough and communicative enough to deal with and work through issues. In my opinion, that says a lot about the bottom's ability and want to work through it. It doesnt show the bottom is not able of keeping "deals." Grr. Dang typos. Narf!

Machts -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 7:19:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: forg0ttenclone You are correct in that things are now always decided by a two way compromise. But in regards to emotions and feelings, they do happen. It's human nature, there are no two ways around it. It's going to happen, whether it is hidden away and never mentioned or brought out in the open. Because someone says one things does not mean they feel another. Feelings and emotions can be worked around. It doesn't mean that the submissive is not able to keep deals or is not trust worthy. If anything, it should show the bottom is open enough and communicative enough to deal with and work through issues. In my opinion, that says a lot about the bottom's ability and want to work through it. It doesnt show the bottom is not able of keeping "deals." If "working through issues" means pushing to have things her way-and the Top does not desire that.........it definitely means she cannot be trusted to keep deals. And it will probably happen again. Would you want a woman like that for a partner? Feelings do not excuse lack of accountability my friend.

forg0ttenclone -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 7:24:00 AM)
If the person is pushing to have things her way... That's a different story... In a case like that, maybe further actions do need to be taken. You are correct.

sammy7626 -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 7:33:23 AM)
Ok. I'm not seeing a way to multi-quote so bear with me here. forg0ttenclone said: You are correct in that things do not always have to be acted upon. We are all mature adults, well, most of us anyhow. We are to maintain our selves as such. But again, we are but human. We screw up and do stupid things some where along the line. But in regards to feelings, they happen. While, they do not always have to be acted upon, i feel they should be openly discussed by both parties to come to an understanding as to where things lie and IF any actions may need to be taken by either party. --- I agree with you that honesty is the best policy. Sometimes it happens. As I said, I have a casual partner (FWP--vanilla) who I have feelings for. He's known from very early on those feelings exist. But we worked around them in a way that suited us. And when I mentioned that I had them his basic response was pretty close to "This is supposed to be casual, since you have these feelings, you need to understand that I don't return them, and that I will not allow, nor should you allow, for them to interfere with our relationship as it stands. I will not let your feelings for me change my life as it is right now." And for what its worth, on my end, some days that is harder than others. (Especially since he lives with me.) But I do my best to keep my mouth closed, reduce the expressions of those feelings (he knows they exist, I know they exist, why talk about them beyond that initial conversation, since all it does is make him uncomfortable and me unhappy?), and enjoy the relationship we do have. ---------------- Machts said: If "working through issues" means pushing to have things her way-and the Top does not desire that.........it definitely means she cannot be trusted to keep deals. And it will probably happen again. Would you want a woman like that for a partner? Feelings do not excuse lack of accountability my friend. Because that's not always what "working through issues" or around those issues, means. Yes, there are people out there who will try to manipulate the situation to meet their own expectations, but not all of them do. Nor does developing emotions for a person necessarily indicate a deal breaker, even in "strictly casual/FWP" situations. Perhaps it is the best choice for you to terminate the relationship when your partner mentions having feelings for you...but do you at least attempt to discuss the development rationally? Or do you simply bolt out the door? Again, its not a matter of having the feelings. All people have feelings (excepting of course sociopaths). Its what you do and how you choose to act and contain those feelings that is of the ultimate importance.

Machts -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 7:36:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: forg0ttenclone If the person is pushing to have things her way... That's a different story... In a case like that, maybe further actions do need to be taken. You are correct. I have had this happen in the past. So I am familiar with the drama of this scenario. The emotional blackmail, the tears. And later, the anger. Which is why I have so little sympathy for women who behave so here. Tops are not always the abusers-never forget that.

Machts -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 7:39:05 AM)
No I don't bolt out the door-if we talk and she can actually see that she needs to get a handle on things. If I feel I am coming up against a brick wall from someone who is DEMANDING more-I end it. I don;t want to be in the postion of being controlled that way. It's one of the few things that really squicks me out.

sammy7626 -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 7:40:42 AM)
Fair enough then :) And that makes perfect sense. From the initial posting it simply sounded like you were saying that you terminated the relationships as soon as those feelings were mentioned.

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 7:43:02 AM)
Oh well this is easy. Just be honest tell them your a swinger. who is into sexual exploration. With out commitments or tie downs. that would be most likely keep them from being attached for sure..

camille65 -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 7:46:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64 Oh well this is easy. Just be honest tell them your a swinger. who is into sexual exploration. With out commitments or tie downs. that would be most likely keep them from being attached for sure.. I thought you said not too long ago, that swinging is cheating? That being casual was wrong and a form of lying?

Machts -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 7:47:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sammy7626 Fair enough then :) And that makes perfect sense. From the initial posting it simply sounded like you were saying that you terminated the relationships as soon as those feelings were mentioned. Sighs, I hate coming across as sounding this arrogant, but here goes. Subs tend to expect a Dom to have some sort of back bone. I expect it of myself. I don't make deals or set boundaries for shits and giggles. I do it to ensure we BOTH have a physically and emotionally healthy place in which to play. Those bondaries apply to me as well-I tend not to push them. Which means I can set myself up for the same bummers as the sub-if I get attached. Sometimes you do-but you are so different that you both know that it would never work out long term. And you end it before it goes too far-and it goes to the agony stage. It's just kinder.

Dari -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 4:38:37 PM)
quote: I have had this happen in the past. So I am familiar with the drama of this scenario. The emotional blackmail, the tears. And later, the anger. Which is why I have so little sympathy for women who behave so here. Ah, but do you have sympathy for the men who behave so? [8\|] It's not limited to females or males, Tops or bottoms, or signs of the zodiac. It has directly to do with the maturity (or lack of same) of the people involved. I think it's important to know your partner, even casually. If you're involved in a casual relationship, that still doesn't absolve you of the need to get to know what your partner likes and dislikes - and what they're feeling is part of that. I guess I'm just big on communication, and if something that breaks a rule happens, then the relationship should be re-evaluated, but it doesn't necessarily spell the end of things, so long as the people involved are mature, reasonable adults.

grlneedstolearn -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 4:43:11 PM)
i am part time to my Dom, and yea it can be hard to remain detached from him. But he has also made it clear that there will be nothing more than him teaching and showing me the ropes (pun intended [:)]). Hope you can find someone that will accep a part time with you. Best of luck P.S. i would also like to know the answer to this

laurell3 -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 4:45:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Machts I've had the same sorts of things happening from mentoring a sub online. Very wierd. People sometimes ask me why I come across as such a jerk here at times-why I am so MEAN. Outside of speaking my mind-I could add a lot ot treacle and sugar I guess. Mainly I just don;t want to encourage the sort of infatuation that fantasy seekers cultivate. And bdsm ones seem to be some of the worst for doing that. It can be pretty difficult to discourage a woman having a "sub frenzy" from trying to latch onto someone who she thinks might be someone to "nest" with. But I'll do my best.[:D] ROFL yeah...right......

MistressSadie69 -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 5:01:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MystressDream quote: ORIGINAL: Kana This is a problem I just hit in a mentorship. I have done this before, it tends to work out fairly well. I make sure that we sit down and discuss the aspect of emotions within BDSM. agree that we are on the same page on that issue and then begin from there. Periodically state of the union talks are done and this is one question that does come up. The problem is that BDSM interaction can provoke deep reaction between the two parties. Sometimes remaining detached can prove to not be possible, on either side. In my case we would have the discussion but each of us was operating from two very different paradigms. I thought she was capable of maintaining emotional neutrality, she acted thinking that if she showed me how good she was at service and what she could do in my life, I would of course fall in love with her, as she was with me. Thats a recipe for disaster. It has come off fairly well in the end, but it is something I will be far more careful about should I try it again anytime soon.We talk, I am trying to help her find someone new who can lead her further, but her feelings got hurt badly, and that doesn't make me a happy man. Sometimes it is tough to keep things emotionally neat and tidy. My thoughts would be proceed with caution. How can this ever happen if you are just a mentor? A mentor, from what I have learned over the years, doesn't touch the person they are mentoring. Mentoring is just advising and verbally teaching. Transference.

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