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brienne30 -> RE: How to keep casual, casual? (11/29/2007 8:37:00 PM)
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Ok, I'm new here and this is my first post, but the general theme is hitting kind of close to home for me right now (so excuse me if I'm a bit raw about it). I think the responses from everyone about being upfront and honest from the go are great. I think that if it does happen discussing it when it happens, is also wonderful advice. I agree with the double standard someone mentioned and also that subs do fall, its hard to disassociate the level of trust you need to put in someone to let them beat you to the brink and not have feelings start to grow. All of that, and humans being human, probably accounts for 80% of these types of disasters.
The other 20% I call the Mixed signal Dom Syndrome
(Disclaimer: I am not accusing you or anyone else here of doing this, don't think you did, I'm just pointing out that it does happen and does lead to these types of situations). . . .
I've witnessed many a "casual sub" get blindsided when the Toppy person starts wanting all the benefits/support of a partner, but uses the 'casual' as an excuse to not have to deal with the responsibility of having partner. It goes kind of like this:
For weeks there are bdsm sessions arranged for the pure joy of flogging and being flogged. Maybe sex, maybe not, but either way, after the planned activity ends, they go home. . . . then Toppy person starts to want to start doing more than casual play. Starts inviting bottomy one to go out to dinner, asks for advice about dealing with their boss, complains about his sister's husband's nagging habits, invites the bottom over to hang out and watch football, discusses their past girlfriends, fills them in on the highlights of theTop's11th grade class show extravaganza, takes them to this 'quaint place down by the river where we can just talk'. Whatever, but they start to throw signs of "more than casual".
The sub is either excited because they already have feelings and sees things progressing toward "relationship land" or goes along for the ride thinking nothing will come of it but then with all the talking and history being shared starts to have feelings. For a few weeks or months, the toppy one calls all the time/takes up all the social time of the sub, leans on the sub for emotional support, etc. Even if the Top repeats daily that this is casual, well the Tops actions are speaking louder than the words at this point.
So after a month or more of being 'wooed' the sub calls up and says "hey what you doing 2 Fridays from now, I got tickets for us to the big game" there is an awkward silence as the Top is in shock. Then BLAM sub is hit with "this was just supposed to be casual and I have a date tonight, so lets talk tomorrow about how we shouldn't be trying to plan for two weeks from now to do something that isn't even bdsm related"
In a nut shell, the top treats the bottom like more than casual, asks for and accepts more from the bottom than casual, but when the bottom responds with requests for the same back from the top, its "nope, this is just casual, how dare you go there"
So, again, I'm not saying you've done this at all, just that this is another scenario I've seen that leads to these situations in both bdsm and nilla worlds.
Ok, well hell, my first post got much longer than I anticipated.
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