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How to keep casual, casual? - 11/13/2007 12:21:26 PM

BringerOfTears

Posts: 19
Joined: 6/13/2007
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I am fairly well known here under another name and my posts generally elicit positive responses so I am not a fake/poser/wannabee but I want to ask a question anonymously.

SO, my question is how to Doms who are very talented/skilled/desirable look at casual/part time/secondary relationships? Please, for the sake of the thread, forgive my arrogance and just assume for the sake of this discussion that the arrogance is justified.

How do you keep from having them fall for you?

I realize that if I am open and honest about what I want it is their choice to enter into something HOWEVER, I know from experience that many will believe they can remain detached or accepting of being secondary but hearts get broken and feelings get hurt and I can’t enter into something if I think that might happen.

I have a specific reason for wanting a secondary/part time partner but I don’t want to break anyone’s heart, I don’t want drama, I just want some honest fun that doesn’t involve any possibility of a “real” future.

Thoughts?

[Mod Note: font reduced]

< Message edited by ModeratorEleven -- 11/13/2007 2:26:23 PM >

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RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/13/2007 12:30:55 PM

spankmepink11

Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline

The only thing that comes to mind is for you to be very sure that your potential partner is looking for the same thing. There are several people here who claim that love, sex, etc is not an issue with them...seek them out. As a last ditch effort you may find someone who is happily married to a non lifestyle type but needs to participate in the lifestyle themselves. Preferably with their spouses blessing of course.

The key would be to find someone to whom you would not be the primary either, if your ego can handle that. (not to imply anything about your ego, but many who want a secondary tend to want to be the primary regardless)

(in reply to BringerOfTears)

Post #: 2

RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/13/2007 12:43:51 PM

Tigrita

Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline

I agree with spankme, get with someone for whom you will not be the primary, or at least not the one and only. Even in the vanilla days, if I was not of a mind for committment, I always felt more comfortable when I knew for a fact they were seeing other people so they woldn't be as likely to get attached to me quickly.

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(in reply to spankmepink11)

Post #: 3

RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/13/2007 12:50:25 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

Your Boggle is one that only one side worries about.

I have been honest in the past and told women I was strictly looking for a Coital Relationship and they said they understood, I said I would be dating/seeing other people, they said they understood, I said I would be having similar Coital Relations with these other people, again they said the understood.

A month goes by and they start asking the questions, "So, how do you feel about us?" or "How serious are your other relationships?"

Look No matter how we try to seperate ourselves from the animal kingdom we are part of it and we are among the Mammals which Mate, no not for life but we MATE. The only way to get someone on the side to be okay with being on the side is if they are also seeking you as someone who is on the side.

There is no way to stop the Nesting Syndrome that seems to come hardwired in some of our species, that no matter what they agreed to once they start to get comfortable they want to solidify that comfort.

My Only advice is to explain to THEM exactly what you said to US! Tell them you have ZERO Interest inb anything permanent and that if they cannot handle that then they need to seek elsewhere, Inform them that you are not interested in Monogamy and going steady is completely out of the question, and then if all else fails you can always try being really sweet and caring and talk about commitment because everytime I wore the other shoe that made the other party run like hell.

Just some Ideas, but seriously perhaps explaing to them that you don't want "Forever" with them NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO, maybe that will work, but you have to understand no matter how good the Master/Mistress, no Matter how good the Dom/me, I've yet to meet one who can control all the emotions of the other partner, subs get Mad no matter what we order them to do, they get angry, happly, sleepy, Dopey, & Doc and we just can't control that, we also can't control someone falling in love with us.

As Always

Steel

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(in reply to spankmepink11)

Post #: 4

RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/13/2007 12:51:01 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

Yep. To echo and add to a few thoughts, there's a bit of a double standard in the community that goes something like dominants may have as many partners to whatever degree of intimacy they want, while submissives are expected to be monogamous and utterly committed to their dominants (and expect that their dominant will not reciprocate.)

If you want a submissive or slave as a secondary partner, my first suggestion is to make sure that the person in question is already healthy and balanced in their life. Lots of people don't have the time or energy to devote all of themselves to a relationship; they might work a hellish job, or be studying, or both. They might be married, and have five kids. The downside to people (and dare I say especially submissives) who seek secondary partners, usually do so because their primary relationship isn't healthy or satisfying. Thus the secondary relationship becomes a 'bandaid' and you get put on a pedastal you didn't want.

Stick to someone who's, for their own reason, too busy to make you number one. Otherwise, eventually you will be.

Stephan

p.s. please use a smaller font.

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(in reply to Tigrita)

Post #: 5

RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/13/2007 12:52:16 PM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
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I agree with the others that mainly you must go looking for someone also just looking for casual. Still be aware that just looking for casual and starting off casual and seeing where it leads often gets confused and are two distinct different things. Find a person just truly wanting purely casual and not one just wanting casual because it feels right at this time.

The fact is we are human beings and not logic driven devoid of emotions. There simply is always the possibility of a person(s) who had all the intention of just a casual relationship that their emotions do not go according to agreement and will cause the relationship to end or change. No right or wrongs but just us pesky human emotional beings.

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(in reply to BringerOfTears)

Post #: 6

RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/13/2007 12:59:20 PM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

quote:

The only way to get someone on the side to be okay with being on the side is if they are also seeking you as someone who is on the side.

That's not true. Sir is my only partner, i am not His. We are casual for want of a better word and i've never been happier.

quote:

A month goes by and they start asking the questions, "So, how do you feel about us?" or "How serious are your other relationships?"

It's been about seven months now and i've not said, or wanted to, or even considered those questions.

I agree with everyone else here, be honest and make sure you are both working from the same page.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 7

RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/13/2007 1:01:43 PM

TheScrivener

Posts: 91
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

Casual relationships only work when you both are looking for a casual relationship.

If a person wants a full commitment from you, and you are only interested in casual play, consider it a Red flag in most cases. Even if they respect the casual play-basis at first, it almost certainly will develop into something more for them down the road.

It happens in the vanilla world, and the kinkier bits are no different.

_____________________________

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(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 8

RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/13/2007 1:10:29 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

This is a problem I just hit in a mentorship.
I have done this before, it tends to work out fairly well. I make sure that we sit down and discuss the aspect of emotions within BDSM. agree that we are on the same page on that issue and then begin from there. Periodically state of the union talks are done and this is one question that does come up.
The problem is that BDSM interaction can provoke deep reaction between the two parties. Sometimes remaining detached can prove to not be possible, on either side.
In my case we would have the discussion but each of us was operating from two very different paradigms. I thought she was capable of maintaining emotional neutrality, she acted thinking that if she showed me how good she was at service and what she could do in my life, I would of course fall in love with her, as she was with me.
Thats a recipe for disaster.
It has come off fairly well in the end, but it is something I will be far more careful about should I try it again anytime soon.We talk, I am trying to help her find someone new who can lead her further, but her feelings got hurt badly, and that doesn't make me a happy man.
Sometimes it is tough to keep things emotionally neat and tidy.
My thoughts would be proceed with caution.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 9

RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/13/2007 1:24:04 PM

MystressDream

Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

This is a problem I just hit in a mentorship.
I have done this before, it tends to work out fairly well. I make sure that we sit down and discuss the aspect of emotions within BDSM. agree that we are on the same page on that issue and then begin from there. Periodically state of the union talks are done and this is one question that does come up.
The problem is that BDSM interaction can provoke deep reaction between the two parties. Sometimes remaining detached can prove to not be possible, on either side.
In my case we would have the discussion but each of us was operating from two very different paradigms. I thought she was capable of maintaining emotional neutrality, she acted thinking that if she showed me how good she was at service and what she could do in my life, I would of course fall in love with her, as she was with me.
Thats a recipe for disaster.
It has come off fairly well in the end, but it is something I will be far more careful about should I try it again anytime soon.We talk, I am trying to help her find someone new who can lead her further, but her feelings got hurt badly, and that doesn't make me a happy man.
Sometimes it is tough to keep things emotionally neat and tidy.
My thoughts would be proceed with caution.

How can this ever happen if you are just a mentor? A mentor, from what I have learned over the years, doesn't touch the person they are mentoring. Mentoring is just advising and verbally teaching.

_____________________________

Knowledge and experience are wonderful things to share. When we stop asking questions, we might as well "hang it up".

check out: www.enclaveproductions.com
www.enclavewest.com

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 10

RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/13/2007 1:32:51 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

quote:

The only way to get someone on the side to be okay with being on the side is if they are also seeking you as someone who is on the side.

That's not true. Sir is my only partner, i am not His. We are casual for want of a better word and i've never been happier.

quote:

A month goes by and they start asking the questions, "So, how do you feel about us?" or "How serious are your other relationships?"

It's been about seven months now and i've not said, or wanted to, or even considered those questions.

I agree with everyone else here, be honest and make sure you are both working from the same page.

That was taken slightly out of context the girls I have been with all eventually said that those thins to me it was not ment to be a blanket statement I am sorry if you read it that way but it was placed after a personal examinantion of my own history.

As for the first part I guess I should also qualify there are exceptions to every rule and some people have different rules than other. I really must admire you for being able to be happy in that situation, I would have loved to have met someone who was like you are in that respect however I can relate to the OP in that in all the "Playing the Field" that I did I never once met one like you.

I hope you continue to he happy with your situation.

As Always

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 11

RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/13/2007 1:37:55 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MystressDream

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

This is a problem I just hit in a mentorship.
I have done this before, it tends to work out fairly well. I make sure that we sit down and discuss the aspect of emotions within BDSM. agree that we are on the same page on that issue and then begin from there. Periodically state of the union talks are done and this is one question that does come up.
The problem is that BDSM interaction can provoke deep reaction between the two parties. Sometimes remaining detached can prove to not be possible, on either side.
In my case we would have the discussion but each of us was operating from two very different paradigms. I thought she was capable of maintaining emotional neutrality, she acted thinking that if she showed me how good she was at service and what she could do in my life, I would of course fall in love with her, as she was with me.
Thats a recipe for disaster.
It has come off fairly well in the end, but it is something I will be far more careful about should I try it again anytime soon.We talk, I am trying to help her find someone new who can lead her further, but her feelings got hurt badly, and that doesn't make me a happy man.
Sometimes it is tough to keep things emotionally neat and tidy.
My thoughts would be proceed with caution.

How can this ever happen if you are just a mentor? A mentor, from what I have learned over the years, doesn't touch the person they are mentoring. Mentoring is just advising and verbally teaching.

All I can say to that MystressDream is that some students fall for thier teachers and if you are a good mentor then you find them to be the epitomy of what a Master should be so why settle for something else when the person you are modeling your mate after is right in front of you all the time.

See this is why I don't do the whole Mentor thing with subs, Doms I at times help with the way to hold a single tail or tie a certain knot but never on a partner and never on them physically. No reason other than I am not interested in teaching anyone other than my own slave how to be a slave, and not interested in shahing with another Dom.

I can understand how something like that could easily happen.

As Always

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to MystressDream)

Post #: 12

RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/13/2007 1:40:07 PM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

quote:

That was taken slightly out of context the girls I have been with all eventually said that those thins to me it was not ment to be a blanket statement I am sorry if you read it that way but it was placed after a personal examinantion of my own history.

My apologies.

quote:

I really must admire you for being able to be happy in that situation, I would have loved to have met someone who was like you are in that respect however I can relate to the OP in that in all the "Playing the Field" that I did I never once met one like you.

Thank you, i'm just happier than i've ever been. I don't think i'm built for anything serious at the moment, maybe ever. I'm sure there must be more out there like me somewhere lol. Or maybe i am as Sir says just a freak.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 13

RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/13/2007 4:32:53 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I agree with the others that the best thing is to choose someone you know is also looking for the same thing you are. And when I say that, I mean someone you BELIEVE sincerely understands what they are looking for and is very likely not to diverge from that. Not someone who just says what they want to get in the door, not someone who is lying to themselves, not someone who doesn't really know yet.

Even then, one never knows what will happen for sure. But you go from there as best you can. Using good judgement, taking your time and choosing partners who are compatible and respectful of priorities will take you really far.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 14

RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/13/2007 4:43:25 PM

ItalianSMistress

Posts: 427
Joined: 1/19/2007
From: Niagara Region Ontario Canada
Status: offline

I dont think there is anyway to stop this, if there is, someone please let Me know. I have encounted this problem over and over and in fact, it is the demise of most of My pets sooner or later. In fact, many years ago, I even placed on My profile that I was married, just to get across that I was NOT looking for something to progress to the living together point. After five years, the relationship ended more or less, bc I was not willing to give in that area. She said after so long she thought I would change My mind, even tho she liked the fact that I was "married" at first, bc she was not wanting more than something casual at that time. After a period of time, they always change their mind. I also had a boy once, that after four years wanted to get serious with Me and even went as far as stalking and causing public scenes. I dont think there is anyway to stop this, none that I have found so far anyway.

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"Dominance is the ability to create a hunger in someone that's so strong they will do anything, anytime, anywhere just to please you."

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Post #: 15

RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/14/2007 9:45:38 AM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

There are no guarantees in any relationship, whether entered into casually or not. For example, I began my relationship with SimplyMichael as a seemingly casual one. Although I was separated from my husband when Michael and I started talking, we were still very much involved with each other and anyone else with whom I chose to get involved knew they would be a distant #2. On some level I still had hopes that my husband and I would reconcile and live happily ever after..
8 months later, I am not involved with my husband on that level anymore and Michael is now the number 1 man in my life.

Things change and chemistry is a very powerful thing.. The only thing you can hope to do is to be 100% honest and disclose everything to all parties involved.

< Message edited by BossyShoeBitch -- 11/14/2007 9:46:26 AM >

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Post #: 16

RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/14/2007 10:07:59 AM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

I agree things can change over time.
I'm glad you and Michael are getting it together.
All I can say to anyone is to be honest about what you are looking for and if the other person changes and you don't change in the same way then handle the emotions.
When people fall in love they need the right kind of support to get over it.
You can't stop it happening and you can't make yourself return it.
But you can limit the damage.

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)

Post #: 17

RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/14/2007 10:43:55 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

I agree with what everyone has said. However, even if you find someone that is truly seeking what you are, you have to expect some level of attachment given wiitwd. There may still be some "drama", it happens with human beings. How you deal with it and how open you are to allow the other person to approach you with concerns or feelings is probably the best indicator of whether it will be a nightmare or a discussion.

_____________________________

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When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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Post #: 18

RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/14/2007 1:46:50 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

~FR~

I can only pull from my own expereinces for it is impossible to try and explain how anyone other then yourslef operates.

Personally, I have never had any problem with becoming attached to part time partners. You have to compartmentalize and always keep in the fore front of your mind when you are a secondary partner as to what your role is. You are not there to replace the primary relationship nor will you ever "evolve" to a primary position. You're there to have fun, and enhance both your and the other person(s) life. You can care for your part time partner but you should never allow yourself to fall in love with them or fantasize that you will ever be more then what you are. Whish is a little extra on the side once in a while. If you can't handle being in that position then you should never agree to it to begin with. Pretty simple if you ask me.

As for not having a relationship you want because you are afraid of what "might" happen or what "could" happen... well you'll lose out on alot of experiences in life. You are not responsible for how other people react. The best you can do is be totally upfron and honest with a potential partner, and if you are playing with someone and you see the signs that they are becoming too attached, then back off, talk to them again and explain why you can no longer be in an intimate relationship with them.

Just my thoughts.

< Message edited by akisha -- 11/14/2007 1:47:52 PM >

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Post #: 19

RE: How to keep casual, casual? - 11/14/2007 2:32:29 PM

MystressDream

Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline

I am very active in the local BDSM public scene, so, casual play partners are available. The best situation I have gotten involved in is with a married man whose wife asked me to beat him. LOL She comes to the club with him, we sit and talk, but, she can't get into it herself. She says she loves that he does this because he is such a "wonderful husband" after a heavy scene. She can always tell by his behavior that he needs another one. LOL Their marriage is very strong.... there is NO sexual play.... and she is welcome to sit and watch any time she wants to.

With him, he loves his wife very much and greatly appreciates her understanding his needs. They love each other, and this works for them. At the same time, I have a strong play connection with him and enjoy playing occasionally. He is someone I can enjoy without any fear of any expectations for a relationship outside of the casual play one that we have.

_____________________________

Knowledge and experience are wonderful things to share. When we stop asking questions, we might as well "hang it up".

check out: www.enclaveproductions.com
www.enclavewest.com

(in reply to BringerOfTears)

Post #: 20

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