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When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 3:58:36 PM   
shootingstar67


Posts: 195
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline 		I have always been told that women should not pursue men because men like to persue women. And that if they were interested enough, the man would do the persuing and if not, you could end up just being used for convinence.

Then there are people you are really interested in who accept your pursuing them, they respond to it and react in a way that keeps you(me) chasing after them. You almost can't help but chase but  deep down you are wondering if you are doing the right thing-if they are not secretly annoyed or uncomfortable or worse....you just end up being used.

I know this is not only a D/s issue but a vanilla one as well. But I wonder these things. I know many here have found what they are seeking and I enjoy their opinions on things like this.

Should the eager (sometimes overeager) to please submissive pursue the (potentially) exploitive, limits pushing,  dom? Or should the submissive wait to be the one pursued?

In your current relationship, who did most of the pursuing?

< Message edited by shootingstar67 -- 11/13/2007 4:18:12 PM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: When not to persue - 11/13/2007 4:04:21 PM   
xoxi


Posts: 1066
Status: offline 		I initiated contact with my Master.  I liked what he had been writing on the forums so I sent him a note on the other side saying "If I were a better swimmer I would crawl to you."

After that though...he went on the offensive   He was the one who claimed me, he said I was his, he basically 'made the move' of 'collaring' me and saying we were exclusive and in a relationship.  And I like that....I don't know if men like to be the hunters because I'm a woman...but I like being the hunted!

It's fine to initiate contact...even in real life women often make the first move by smiling at a man, signaling "yes you can approach, I'm not married and I don't bite" - but after that I like to leave the ball in his court.  If he wants me - he will get me.  No point in chasing him down over it, you know?

(in reply to shootingstar67)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: When not to persue - 11/13/2007 4:09:09 PM   
Kaiynasha


Posts: 172
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		I have been pursued and I have pursued. Most of the time those who pursue have their own damn agenda and motivation. Basically- they want something...and it is more than just your dominance. They want this and that and this and that. Other times some are actually receptive in understanding that is isn't ALL about them. And I have had some good conversations. When I pursue...I pursue because it is something I liked and I want to see if they are up for the ride. If not then I wish them well.

However...the way I hear you put it...why would you want to exploit someone? That definitely doesn't sound eager to please THEM but an eagerness to please oneself.

I could be wrong though.

(in reply to shootingstar67)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: When not to persue - 11/13/2007 4:20:59 PM   
shootingstar67


Posts: 195
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaiynasha

However...the way I hear you put it...why would you want to exploit someone? That definitely doesn't sound eager to please THEM but an eagerness to please oneself.

I could be wrong though.


I don't want to exploit someone.

< Message edited by shootingstar67 -- 11/13/2007 4:26:50 PM >

(in reply to Kaiynasha)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: When not to persue - 11/13/2007 4:22:15 PM   
MasterRory


Posts: 3
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline 		Speaking as a male dom, if someone catches my interest, i will intially pursue until it is clear that a/ they are not really interested or b/ there is no "spark".

Having said that some of my best esxperiences have come from the sub initially pursing.
And as a male, it is nice to be approached for a change.
I suppose its about how you like your subs. Personally I like a person to have the confidence to be themselves.

Others dont

(in reply to Kaiynasha)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: When not to persue - 11/13/2007 4:38:24 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Do what works for you- there are some truly fabulous doms in the world who refuse to pursue anyone because they want a slave who will take responsibility enough for their desires to act on them independently.  It's a great system to get what they want (and a great ego boost for them).

If it feels right for you, then do it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MasterRory)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: When not to persue - 11/13/2007 4:39:04 PM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		i stop chasing when they staple the restraining order to my chest .
I perfer mutal chemistry to a cat n mouse  pursuit .If both parties click move foreward , if one side is not interested  why give chase.

(in reply to MasterRory)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: When not to persue - 11/13/2007 4:57:57 PM   
neph


Posts: 32
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline 		If you're interested in pursuing someone, do it.

(in reply to azropedntied)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: When not to persue - 11/13/2007 5:04:14 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I like being pursued. Always have been, always will. The best relationships I have been in were with men who showed me they wanted me. Why? Because actions speak louder than words. Show some initiative and interest. There are far, far, far too many who claim interest and never follow up. Believe me, when I am interested after being contacted, I show it.

But I am sick of those who are so interested and then never follow up until a few weeks later or do it in a lackadaisical manner. And yeah, I know, they must not really be THAT interested, right?

If you are Dominant and you find someone you are interested in, take advantage of the subs interest, don't blow it by being too casual and going, so, maybe I will catch you on IM later?

Uh, no, you won't. Next.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 11/13/2007 5:06:08 PM >

(in reply to neph)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 5:14:21 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		To the OP, I'm not so sure there are any "shoulds" here. Having said that, I personally don't pursue(chase) its not my style, but thats just me.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to shootingstar67)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 5:19:54 PM   
MystressDream


Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline 		I won't pursue anyone.  Sometimes I might make the intial contact... if I have seen them on these boards or am impressed with something in their profile... but, the pursuit from there better come from them.  I rarely, however, make the first contact.
 
I generally tell this to them in the first few emails or IMs... and then I see if they have listened.  If they don't, then it's easy to tell they are not someone I am interested in either.
 
The way "I want to be your slave for life" people on here just "poof" and disappear, it I don't hear from a prospective slave for three or four days, I just dismiss them from my thoughts and move on.  I won't go chasing them down, other than maybe one email asking what's going on.  If there is no response from that it's pretty clear he was playing games or has lost interest.  Oh well... <smile>

_____________________________

Knowledge and experience are wonderful things to share. When we stop asking questions, we might as well "hang it up".

check out: www.enclaveproductions.com
www.enclavewest.com

(in reply to shootingstar67)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 5:38:14 PM   
LadyLegs


Posts: 176
Status: offline 		I wonder who it was that always told you that & if they have a life you want to emulate.  But I like to track down the source of "the rules" in people's heads.

(in reply to MystressDream)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 6:09:30 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		Edited to add: Damn this turned out longer than I wanted so sorry to those who don't actually like to read the threads. If you want just ignore this one.

quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

I have always been told that women should not pursue men because men like to persue women. And that if they were interested enough, the man would do the persuing and if not, you could end up just being used for convinence.


I wanted to reply to each part seperatly to show that I know how to use the Quote Feature of Collar me, which I think is kind of cool. (Sorry I felt it had to be said)
 
Anyway, The above is True. So is the fact that the exact same thing is valid in reverse. From the Male perspective I LOVE being persued even by those I am not interested in if only because it tells me I am still attractive and desirable.

quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

Then there are people you are really interested in who accept your pursuing them, they respond to it and react in a way that keeps you(me) chasing after them. You almost can't help but chase but  deep down you are wondering if you are doing the right thing-if they are not secretly annoyed or uncomfortable or worse....you just end up being used.


Again I only think a person can be used if they let themselves be used I don't think this is a gender specific concept as I know just as many women who use men for money as I know men who use women for sex. I do not believe that anyone who is being persued is any more or less responsible for thier actions then the person doing the persueing is.


quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

I know this is not only a D/s issue but a vanilla one as well. But I wonder these things. I know many here have found what they are seeking and I enjoy their opinions on things like this.


But finding what I was seeking came with a Million heart aches and a million cold and lonley nights, .... Well maybe not cause a million nights would make me over 2000 years old but you get the point. It took time, I had to open a lot of flowers before I found my Thumblina (Sorry I am reading children stories to my UM and this was one I thought was good) not to mention my girl had to kiss a LOT of TOADS before setteling on the Right Toad for her (I am far from a Prince, no matter what she says) The point here is it NEVER happens as easily as we would like, and it is also never as difficult as we think it is going to be. Finding happiness is rolling dice. A Crap Shoot at best but worth it when you win.

quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

Should the eager (sometimes overeager) to please submissive pursue the (potentially) exploitive, limits pushing,  dom? Or should the submissive wait to be the one pursued?


I am sure I am going to be smacked around for what I am about to say but it is how I found my wife. I say get involved as OFFTEN as you can, Fall in love DAILY and if you can't do that with who you are with then ask yourself why not. I think you should always know what you are capeable of and you can't learn from your mistakes if you are so afraid to make any you never live in the first place. The first, second, and third Dom you are with just won't work but the fourth will, how are you going to get to the fourth if you never experience one, two, and Three? I am not saying that YOU personally won't actually find love with number one, but how will you know if you don't give it all you got from the beginning?
 
THE PRECEDING WAS AN OPINION!! By Someone who is unable to spell and too lazy to use a spell checker, even typing this was faster than the copy past and cpell check required to proof this document. Sorry in advance.... er... rather....Whatever, just deal with it!


quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

In your current relationship, who did most of the pursuing?


I persued her which was stupid because I was told she was a lesbian and had gotten out of a two year relationship with a woman, and only slept with guys for sport. The Dom side of me said "F that noise" but I was smitten she was pretty and full of life so I went after her and did all the silly things do when they like girls, I acted like I was a retard (Less acting and more all I could muster to do period) and gave her my number, after a week she called me and after our first date I professed my desire to be with her, a year later we were married and now we have a UM. (Yes she was in a lesbian relationhship but obviously wasn't strictly a lesbian!!!!)
 
I SHAMELESSLY persued her so much so that when I explained this lifestyle and what I was in it I did so wondering if I could give it up iof she weren't up for it. A year later she is my slave and actually understands what that means.
 
SO call me a silly slap happy tit womp. What do I care, I'm happy today cause I took a chance.
 
Robert Frost said it best.
 
And I, I took the road less traveled by.
 
As Always
 
Steel

< Message edited by SteelofUtah -- 11/13/2007 6:10:27 PM >

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to shootingstar67)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: When not to persue - 11/13/2007 6:10:29 PM   
DivineDarkDiva


Posts: 43
Joined: 11/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: azropedntied

i stop chasing when they staple the restraining order to my chest .

LOL, I love that line!  Matched that shark pic perfectly.

(in reply to azropedntied)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 6:33:35 PM   
MystressDream


Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLegs

I wonder who it was that always told you that & if they have a life you want to emulate.  But I like to track down the source of "the rules" in people's heads.


Was this post intended for me?  If so, nobody "told me" that.  I used to chase men.  I quit.  It's just how I feel.  I refuse to pursue and track someone down.  If they aren't interested enough in me to pursue me, then so be it.  I'm certainly not going to waste my time trying to prompt responses out of submissives who aren't interested.  On the other hand, I am completely honest with them about whether I am interested or not.  I don't play games.

_____________________________

Knowledge and experience are wonderful things to share. When we stop asking questions, we might as well "hang it up".

check out: www.enclaveproductions.com
www.enclavewest.com

(in reply to LadyLegs)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 6:38:44 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		In real life I am very flirtatious and smiling, laughing, or tossing my hair back is usually enough to catch some mans attention if he has some interest.  In my real bdsm life, I LOATHE being the one who has to give the dominant the OK to be aggressive.  I hate that nilla men feel at ease with the pursuit, while dominants will wait till I freaking give them the key.
Blech.  Usually it results in my never submitting to a dominant, and nilla guys end up into bdsm because eventually my interests taint them.
For me, having come into this bdsm stuff long before the internet, I STILL view men as the hunter and I enjoy being the game.  If they do not approach me first and make the interest known I am likely to overlook them as non-issues.
I think you have to go with what is comfy in the end.
Kyst


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to shootingstar67)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 6:56:55 PM   
shootingstar67


Posts: 195
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Edited to add: Damn this turned out longer than I wanted so sorry to those who don't actually like to read the threads. If you want just ignore this one.

quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

I have always been told that women should not pursue men because men like to persue women. And that if they were interested enough, the man would do the persuing and if not, you could end up just being used for convinence.


I wanted to reply to each part seperatly to show that I know how to use the Quote Feature of Collar me, which I think is kind of cool. (Sorry I felt it had to be said)
 
Anyway, The above is True. So is the fact that the exact same thing is valid in reverse. From the Male perspective I LOVE being persued even by those I am not interested in if only because it tells me I am still attractive and desirable.

quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

Then there are people you are really interested in who accept your pursuing them, they respond to it and react in a way that keeps you(me) chasing after them. You almost can't help but chase but  deep down you are wondering if you are doing the right thing-if they are not secretly annoyed or uncomfortable or worse....you just end up being used.


Again I only think a person can be used if they let themselves be used I don't think this is a gender specific concept as I know just as many women who use men for money as I know men who use women for sex. I do not believe that anyone who is being persued is any more or less responsible for thier actions then the person doing the persueing is.


quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

I know this is not only a D/s issue but a vanilla one as well. But I wonder these things. I know many here have found what they are seeking and I enjoy their opinions on things like this.


But finding what I was seeking came with a Million heart aches and a million cold and lonley nights, .... Well maybe not cause a million nights would make me over 2000 years old but you get the point. It took time, I had to open a lot of flowers before I found my Thumblina (Sorry I am reading children stories to my UM and this was one I thought was good) not to mention my girl had to kiss a LOT of TOADS before setteling on the Right Toad for her (I am far from a Prince, no matter what she says) The point here is it NEVER happens as easily as we would like, and it is also never as difficult as we think it is going to be. Finding happiness is rolling dice. A Crap Shoot at best but worth it when you win.

quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

Should the eager (sometimes overeager) to please submissive pursue the (potentially) exploitive, limits pushing,  dom? Or should the submissive wait to be the one pursued?


I am sure I am going to be smacked around for what I am about to say but it is how I found my wife. I say get involved as OFFTEN as you can, Fall in love DAILY and if you can't do that with who you are with then ask yourself why not. I think you should always know what you are capeable of and you can't learn from your mistakes if you are so afraid to make any you never live in the first place. The first, second, and third Dom you are with just won't work but the fourth will, how are you going to get to the fourth if you never experience one, two, and Three? I am not saying that YOU personally won't actually find love with number one, but how will you know if you don't give it all you got from the beginning?
 
THE PRECEDING WAS AN OPINION!! By Someone who is unable to spell and too lazy to use a spell checker, even typing this was faster than the copy past and cpell check required to proof this document. Sorry in advance.... er... rather....Whatever, just deal with it!


quote:

ORIGINAL: shootingstar67

In your current relationship, who did most of the pursuing?


I persued her which was stupid because I was told she was a lesbian and had gotten out of a two year relationship with a woman, and only slept with guys for sport. The Dom side of me said "F that noise" but I was smitten she was pretty and full of life so I went after her and did all the silly things do when they like girls, I acted like I was a retard (Less acting and more all I could muster to do period) and gave her my number, after a week she called me and after our first date I professed my desire to be with her, a year later we were married and now we have a UM. (Yes she was in a lesbian relationhship but obviously wasn't strictly a lesbian!!!!)
 
I SHAMELESSLY persued her so much so that when I explained this lifestyle and what I was in it I did so wondering if I could give it up iof she weren't up for it. A year later she is my slave and actually understands what that means.
 
SO call me a silly slap happy tit womp. What do I care, I'm happy today cause I took a chance.
 
Robert Frost said it best.
 
And I, I took the road less traveled by.
 
As Always
 
Steel


Thanks Steel. 

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 7:09:11 PM   
MrSpectacular


Posts: 1153
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		Pursue or not to Pursue - is that the question
It does not matter either way - if one of the objectives is to meet someone -why wait around until someone contacts you - reminds me of being a teenager again with all of that angst and concern about whether someone likes me or not. Life is too short. Pursue what you desire.


_____________________________

Yes I am Spectacular and they are real!

(in reply to shootingstar67)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 7:41:09 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		As a dominant man I can say I like being pursued. Its a compliment, I can't see any other way to take it for me.
Course then I get a chance to exercise some serious sadism if I choose to, which also works for me.

(in reply to MrSpectacular)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: When not to pursue - 11/13/2007 7:52:11 PM   
SirJohnMandevill


Posts: 546
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

As a dominant man I can say I like being pursued. Its a compliment, I can't see any other way to take it for me.
Course then I get a chance to exercise some serious sadism if I choose to, which also works for me.



Agreed. Most of the time, if a sub approaches me it's with a one- or-two-line message. I take that as a hint they want to be further pursued...at least to find out if there's a spark there.

If I'm initiating contact, I write more expansively, usually noting something personal or interests in common. Bottom line: Do what works for you! 

Les (Illegitimate son of Andre the Giant and Cathy Rigby)

_____________________________

Iam an eroticist
I am a fully eroticized being
No more neuroses
I found my strip naked soul soup
With the deviant ingredient
---The B-52s

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 20
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