Disappearing--with a reason or without?

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Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/13/2007 8:26:31 PM

liminalRapture

Posts: 181
Joined: 9/6/2007
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I try to answer nearly every e-mail (although rarely repeat e-mails from someone I've told I'm not interested) and I try to always be gracious. If it is just an e-mail, I don't fret.

However, if I've e-mailed someone enough that we progress to a phone call, and it is very clear from the phone call that I'm not attracted to him, would you rather have a reason or not? What if the reason isn't very kind? (I'm rarely attracted to slow talkers or heavy accents. I know how shallow it is. I've even dated men to try and get over it, but I don't. Chemistry isn't always logical and but it is real.) So, would you rather be told why, or just wonder? Or a white lie? What is your preference?

Post #: 1

RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/13/2007 8:29:39 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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How about "this just doesn't feel right for me right now"?

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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/13/2007 8:48:12 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

Agreed.

Few people would understand someone saying "No, I am not turned on by heavy accents/slow speech/whatever", but a kind "It just doesn't feel right, but I do wish you all the best" get's the point across. The person might still feel confused/hurt/angry, but won't be thinking that maybe you'll change their mind if they keep bugging you. Although they may do that anyway!!

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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/13/2007 9:18:39 PM

lauren0221

Posts: 681
Joined: 8/29/2006
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In that situation, I try to be polite and kind, without giving false hope. No reason to hurt someone's feelings unecessarily after all.

(in reply to liminalRapture)

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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/13/2007 9:22:55 PM

MrSpectacular

Posts: 1153
Joined: 8/27/2007
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Actually I appreciate the nice let down - but it is sometimes refreshing to be 100% told the truth - it does hurt sometimes - but maybe before we progress to a phone call I could warn you about my strong accent

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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/13/2007 9:28:17 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I am not attracted to men that talk in a Southern accent most of the time, not always, but a lot of the time I am not attracted to that accent (there has been a couple of exceptions to that though).

I do not think it is necessary to tell someone the reason you are not attracted to them, what point would it serve?

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(in reply to liminalRapture)

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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/13/2007 9:30:20 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
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I prefer the truth. It leaves no questions behind and doesn't carry that trace of false hopes that the nice let down sometimes can let linger.
Does it hurt, sure, a bit. But I'm a grown man, I've been hurt before, I will be again. No big deal.
It doesn't have to be mean, it can even be somewhat along the lines of what LA said, but at least be straightforward with me.
That not much to ask I think.

(in reply to MrSpectacular)

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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/13/2007 9:33:11 PM

secretagentgirl

Posts: 70
Joined: 9/16/2007
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I feel that most of the things that I (and most people) dislike about someone are so subjective, there isn't much point in pointing it out.
It just serves to make the person paranoid, when in reality, other women might find that trait desirable (any women out there who love slow-talkers?)

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 8

RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/13/2007 11:19:56 PM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

On a side note: i love slow talkers and Men with accents of any sort.

When i have decided i no longer want further contact with a Dom or Master, i have handled it in a variety of ways. With overly-aggressive Men i tend to simply disappear, because i hate drama. With the more rational, i simply tell them by email that i cannot move forward because of some barrier between U/us.

pinksugarsub

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Post #: 9

The vanishing acts. - 11/13/2007 11:26:05 PM

ThomasMore

Posts: 52
Joined: 9/25/2007
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Usually, "Welcome to Dumpsville...population: YOU" does wonders.

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/13/2007 11:27:19 PM

erebus

Posts: 169
Joined: 1/15/2004
Status: offline

Personally, I think it is kinder to just break it off as suggested above.

To say a person is too old, too bald, too ugly etc. can be quite hurtful.

That doesn't stop some sadistic and cruel people (gosh, you just aren't bright enough for me, or your ass is just too big, how can you stand it yourself?).

How can someone benefit by being told, ' you are unattractive because you talk too slow'? (Yeah, that is pretty shallow). Or, why don't you learn to not have an accent, for god's sake? What's wrong with you anyway?

Just my opinion.

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 11

RE: The vanishing acts. - 11/13/2007 11:59:07 PM

MystressDream

Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThomasMore

Usually, "Welcome to Dumpsville...population: YOU" does wonders.

ROFL.... Oh my.... That is so rude... but so damn funny!!!

The "disappearing" happens more times than we care to count... to all of us. I agree, I would MUCH rather hear "I just don't think this will work for me", or "I'm just not ready to take this step"... then have them just disappear.

Accents?? OMG... I love accents! Also, keep in mind... if the person you are talking to has a strong accent, then so do you!

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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/15/2007 4:01:30 PM

CalgaryDom

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Joined: 3/9/2007
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An honest, kind answer would be, 'You're quite nice and I like you, but just I don't feel the chemistry that I need to feel in order to remain involved with you in such an intimate way.'

(in reply to liminalRapture)

Post #: 13

RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/15/2007 4:30:07 PM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline

everyone has an accent. I admit certain accents do annoy me,(namely if they are difficult to understand.) A Dom I had talked to for a while had the sexiest Georgian accent. like butta. people have said that sometimes I talk with an accent. Usually I do try to be polite and say something like"I am not interested right now" though if they press me, I will tell them why, as tactfully as I can. And I prefer a person to be honest with me, though not to the point of being hurtful. Does it suck? sure! but I am a big girl. If I couldn't handle rejection, I have no business in having relationships.

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(in reply to CalgaryDom)

Post #: 14

RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/15/2007 4:37:24 PM

DrkJourney

Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline

I wouldn't make it hurtful...but do indeed say "something" I hate those that just disappear. I mean it's the internet, it's not like I'm "in love" (some actually have that ego) but it's frustrating to keep writing and they just ignore you. I would like to move on too :>

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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/15/2007 5:36:53 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

I always prefer at least a decent portion sized helping of the truth. I'd rather know what I need to work on. On the flip side, I know not everyone has the strength or will to benefit from it; I tell someone why I'm breaking contact usually, so long as I think they can handle it.

Stephan

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Post #: 16

RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/15/2007 5:47:46 PM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

To always be straight up is the way to go.

CP

(in reply to liminalRapture)

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RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/15/2007 6:28:59 PM

Vanatru

Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline

wow! a NEW YORKER that is worried about being seen as blunt and opininated? say it isn't so! I'll have to tell wisty about this one and mark it as a first. *grin*

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 18

RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/15/2007 7:24:42 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

I wouldn't go into details. You may detest a slow drawl but the next one may melt into a puddle at that. Just "I'm sorry, but I don't feel the connection I need to go any further".

(in reply to Vanatru)

Post #: 19

RE: Disappearing--with a reason or without? - 11/15/2007 7:41:10 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

What LA and Celeste said.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people just poof - disappear without a word. It's one of the rudest forms of rejection I can think of, conveying, in my opinion, either "You're not even worth my effort to say goodbye to" or "I don't know how to deal with others affectively so I'm just going to slink off and leave you hanging."

Neither message is very positive. There's nothing wrong with saying something kind and moving on. I'd rather leave good ripples than bad ones.

(in reply to liminalRapture)

Post #: 20

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