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The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 1:57:38 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		Having only been on CM long enough to get a particular distaste for some of the more nasty comments I have come to ask a question for those who frequent here for whatever myriad of reasons you choose.

When something in your private (Offline World) life starts to get abnormal and things are no longer where you would want them to be and you do not know what to do and the person you would normally ask is the person causing the tilt, where do you go for answers, and then how do you determine what you are going to do next?

Basically if you D-type starts doing something that you are not comfortable with at all and you don't want to confront them because they are the problem, where do you go.

And if your s-type starts acting strangely and you are unsure of if you should adminster punishment or Mood Elevators or Medication but aren't quite sure yet where do you go?

I mean I have asked some very serious questions here and getting the kind of replies I have learned not to do that. I mean you only have to get slapped once to know who not to goose right? I know others feel this way too and was wondering if others who know what I am talking about have the same kind of problems and where they go to actaully discuss possible avenues of discourse.

As Always

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 2:02:14 PM   
neph


Posts: 32
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline 		Who you go to probably doesn't matter.  The act of ordering your thoughts in a fashion that can be understood by another human is usually enough for it to make better sense to you.  At least that's how it tends to work for me.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 2:09:49 PM   
Tigrita


Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		I think personal relationship questions tend to get a negative response because, how are a bunch of strangers supposed to be more qualified to solve such problems than the poeple involved?  There is no way for the CMers at large can know the personalities, circumstances, and details involved enough to contribute meaningfully.  The problem almost always comes down to a fear or lapse of communication between the people involved, that is pretty much the universal answer in my opinion.  If you can't communicate with your partner, it truly is the beginning of the end and that is the problem and solution in its self. 

So, that said, who do I go to?  Myself, my journal, my partners.  Sometimes a trusted friend who knows the players.  But mostly myslef, getting my thoughts straight, then sharing them with my partners themselves.

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 2:18:41 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
Basically if you D-type starts doing something that you are not comfortable with at all and you don't want to confront them because they are the problem, where do you go.


If I don't want to talk to him about it, that is a sure sign that I need to talk to him about it.  Holding back information about how I am feeling or what I am thinking is not allowed and would be disobedience for me.  It just is not going to happen.  The relationship is too important to me to break that kind of trust.

However, there are times that I know I need a little space to work things out, maybe get a different perspective on things or just rid myself of excess emotion before talking to him.  The last place that I would go would be an anonymous message board and not because of the answers/responses I might get.  I wouldn't post it on the boards because that would be a violation of my partners' trust and privacy. 

Most likely I would first go to Alandra and I have many times.  If I was not able to do that, then I would write to myself in my journal.  I would go to the gym to dump excess emotions in physical activity.  I would read; I would spend time with people who know and love me. 

There have been a couple times that I have posted things that I struggle with on the boards.  First I asked permission from my Lord to do it and then let the people important in my life know that I was posting it.  Then what was posted was written from a positive perspective and generally after I had worked through most of it.  I cannot recall any response to me or the situation that was negative or nasty.  I don't dwell on the negativity; I don't let it have a prominent position in my life.  I focus on what is positive and rewarding and disregard the stuff that doesn't work for me. 

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 2:23:50 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Having only been on CM long enough to get a particular distaste for some of the more nasty comments I have come to ask a question for those who frequent here for whatever myriad of reasons you choose.

When something in your private (Offline World) life starts to get abnormal and things are no longer where you would want them to be and you do not know what to do and the person you would normally ask is the person causing the tilt, where do you go for answers, and then how do you determine what you are going to do next?

Basically if you D-type starts doing something that you are not comfortable with at all and you don't want to confront them because they are the problem, where do you go.

And if your s-type starts acting strangely and you are unsure of if you should adminster punishment or Mood Elevators or Medication but aren't quite sure yet where do you go?

I mean I have asked some very serious questions here and getting the kind of replies I have learned not to do that. I mean you only have to get slapped once to know who not to goose right? I know others feel this way too and was wondering if others who know what I am talking about have the same kind of problems and where they go to actaully discuss possible avenues of discourse.

As Always

Steel

There are a few women here I could talk to privately if I felt I needed a womans point of view, other wise I either talk to my Master, or suck it up and keep it inside.


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 2:25:59 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Not talking to the person who is creating the conflict, no matter who they are, and then talking to someone else about it is passive-aggressive behavior that doesn't solve the problem. Granted, we all like to have a confidant who will help us gather our thoughts and to have a bitch session with, but in the end, we are the ones responsible for solving the problem. Usually, the paths available include:
1. Talking, like an adult, to the person creating the problem and working for a good resolution.
2. Picking a fight with the person so that blame can be laid.
3. Avoiding the conflict all together and burying the incident and our reaction to it (only for it to resurface later when it happens again).
4. Ending the relationship abruptly so that the conflict is effectively avoided.

We've all done all of these. I know I have. Obviously, the more enlightened is the first, assuming that the other person isn't creating the conflict due to some mental illness, addiction or abuse.

I suggest turning to a friend in the lifestyle for a bitch session...but turning to the person in question to solve the problem.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 2:31:01 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		i don't rely on others to solve my problems or inner turmoils.  Only i can eventually, with enough work and contemplation, work things out for myself.  If i had a problem and asked 10 different people i would get 10 diferent answers. How helpful is that?  People filter their answers through their own life lenses - it's very difficult to be totally objective and look at only the facts and make decisions based on them - if you do that you might miss out on some very pertinent pieces to the puzzle.  It's difficult to present to people you don't know well feelings, emotions, intuitions, etc.  Most of the time i think people post, not to get answers, but to get validation for what they have already decided. If you need that - go for it. 

< Message edited by velvetears -- 11/17/2007 2:33:22 PM >

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 2:44:44 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I think it is useful to have a friend or two that understands WIITWD so that we can bounce things off of them once in a while... but at the end of the day if the relationship is going to work, you need to talk about it with the person that matters... the one you are involved with.

I have had occasion to talk to other submissives when something was troubling me instead of my Daddy, and I am still appreciative of the time they spent with me.. but in order to fix it, I had to talk to him eventually.



_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 3:04:26 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
When something in your private (Offline World) life starts to get abnormal and things are no longer where you would want them to be and you do not know what to do and the person you would normally ask is the person causing the tilt, where do you go for answers, and then how do you determine what you are going to do next?

I go to the person who normally I would ask and the person causing the tilt.  I also would be very upset if my partners went to anyone else.

Now, getting some tentative advice from close friends first I could understand, but when it comes to dealing with the problem- well that requires that they deal with the problem. 
quote:


Basically if you D-type starts doing something that you are not comfortable with at all and you don't want to confront them because they are the problem, where do you go.

That's one of the common mistakes people make when attempting to communicate- by approaching and making it a confrontation.

Confrontations are only for extreme situations in which you've already decided "they will either stop using drugs or I will leave" or in situations where there is immediate damage going to occur.  Otherwise, it's not supposed to be about confronting or fending off a confrontation.  If either people feel it is, then you've got a few more steps back to take before meaningful communication takes place.

This is why when a novice feels "attacked" on a forum, there's little else that can occur.  They have to stop taking it as an attack before anything else can happen.
quote:


And if your s-type starts acting strangely and you are unsure of if you should adminster punishment or Mood Elevators or Medication but aren't quite sure yet where do you go?

Wow, what decent master would skip "talking about it" and go straight to punishment or medication just for "acting strangely"?

We keep trying to say how important communication is- yet when push comes to shove, we want to toss it aside immediately and avoid it as much as possible.  I know it's because most people have truly horrific communication skills, but the only way to get them is to practice and use them.  The only way to get over a problem is to go through it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 3:52:55 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
If I don't want to talk to him about it, that is a sure sign that I need to talk to him about it.  Holding back information about how I am feeling or what I am thinking is not allowed and would be disobedience for me.  It just is not going to happen.  The relationship is too important to me to break that kind of trust

You took the words right out of my mouth, Kyra.  I talk with Him about everything but especially the things I may feel I don't really want to bring up.  Those are the ones it is most necessary to bring up.  Amen, ditto, and all that..............luci



< Message edited by slaveluci -- 11/17/2007 3:53:16 PM >

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To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 5:27:33 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

.
quote:


And if your s-type starts acting strangely and you are unsure of if you should adminster punishment or Mood Elevators or Medication but aren't quite sure yet where do you go?

Wow, what decent master would skip "talking about it" and go straight to punishment or medication just for "acting strangely"?


Okay I can see where you read into it that way, Perhaps we have a different issue then, perhaps the s-type has been talked to about it, several times. Each time they say they will try harder and do thier best and the infractions continue. Over and Over you go and you talk but then it comes to this point where you are tired of talking and you decide that a punishment is needed, but then you wonder if there is a Hormonal imbalance or possible a Chemical Imbalance in the s-type and you wonder if it really is thier fault for what is going on?

Look guys I am not saying at FIRST sign, because most people that I talk to that ask questions and get chewed out or are given snide comments are not comeing here with a simple issue they are stuck on something and don't know where else to go. They have OBVIOUSLY done everything they can think of and are now stepping outside of themselves and asking for advice. Honestly I commend ANYONE who comes on these boards and asks a question knowing the kind of answers they are likely to get it shows that they care more about the situation then they do the crap they are going to take to find some kind of solution to the problem.

I am not asking what should "I" do because I know what I do, I go to a group of friends I have cultured over the years and ask for thier advice, because sometimes in a relationship after everything has been said you still don't have any answers and you need some outside information.

I am Asking what do other people do when they have tried everything they can think of and still don't know. How do people who usually have all the answers deal with a real situation when they don't have the answer that they need?

As Always

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 6:34:03 PM   
LaMspeach


Posts: 794
Joined: 12/4/2004
From: Philadelphia area, PA
Status: offline 		I talk to my Master about everything  even if it i think it is Him causing my discomfort or problem. We look at what is happening and go from there.

I learned early on most people dont get my level or submission to him so there for they cant possible understand or give me advice on what they dont understand. But i do I have few female slave friends i can talk to but ultimately we come to the conclusion that we should always keep the lines of communication open with our Masters and talk to them about what is bothering us.

_____________________________

peach ~ LordandMasters devoted alpha slave
"Only when the year has grown cold does one know that the pine and cypress are the last to wither"



(in reply to SteelofUtah)
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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 8:23:42 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		When things between us have gone wrong and all we're doing is talking at cross purposes? That's when we go to bed and sleep holding each other. Seriously. Sometimes we're too tired to think rationally or too upset to listen to what the other person is trying to say, or too upset to be able to express ourselves.

We get naked and curl up without talking, reconnecting on a more primal level. The naked bit is important, we both bare our throats and soft underbellies to the other. We say without words that we still love each other and want things to work.

And then comes sleep after two Advil. In the morning we are both calmer and less upset, less headachy. We hold hands and drink our morning tea, and manage to use the words we couldn't find the night before. And we stop interrupting and start listening. Usually there's a lot of tears in there and hugging.

We work it out usually and other times agree to disagree, but I can't think of one time where any single decision was life threatening. Sometimes what is right for him is wrong for me, and we can see that when we aren't so overwrought.

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 8:40:13 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

And if your s-type starts acting strangely and you are unsure of if you should adminster punishment or Mood Elevators or Medication but aren't quite sure yet where do you go?

I rely entirely on my own judgement.  These forums are fine for academic discussions, but any advice given here I would take with a LARGE grain of salt.  Frankly, given that I don't personally know most of the people who frequent these forums, there are very, very few who's advice I would take to heart.  That's not anything personal aimed at anyone... I'm just not going to trust advice from an unknown source.  Especially not when I do very much trust my own judgement.

Let me put this another way.  I give out advice here from time to time.  But, why in the world should anyone who doesn't know me personally (which is probably 99.9% of those reading anything I write) just take my word for it?  The answer is, they shouldn't.  They ought to consider what I say and then, ultimately, rely on their own judgement.  They should consider whether what I wrote sounds reasonable, rational, and practical before applying it.  If something I wrote doesn't fit someones circumstance, they ought to disregard what I wrote... please, by all means do.  My point being, that anything written in these forums is at best an idea for consideration, and nothing more.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 8:53:40 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I enjoy these forums for the range of discussions, and the chance it gives me to re-evaluate my own belief systems.  I try to offer help now and again in general ways, and offer encouragement if I can, but I am not really invested in most of the people on this board.   There's nothing I can do for them, nor them for me, and it's unwise to expect otherwise.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 9:11:26 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		I think most every one has someone they can confide in, however there are times when even your most trusted friend is someone you do not wish to confide in..Sometimes one wishes to seek an outside source where there is no investment from them in any way to your situation..So hence some have come on here seeking advice from strangers, for these strangers have no investment in you.Some come on here under assumed names ,some do not..but whatever the case and whatever the advice, it will always come back to you to choose what fits you, your situation ,and maybe another way of looking at the problem best...but whatever happens...It will ALWAYS come back to you......Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 9:12:13 PM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		I have used the Collarme message board in general ways concerning worries I may have. After a thousand posts, I have gotten to know the views of some on the board and respect their judgment. If I hadn't by now, I would wonder if my time here was worthwhile.

It is valuable to see how the posters I respect go about problem solving. A few on here would make excellent advice column writers as they logically dissect relationship issues much better than I could.

As far as those in relationships discussing things with each other, that is the gold standard as long as honesty prevails. I would find it hard to fault any slave who came to me with almost any issue as long as she was being honest in all respects. I would hope that I would be able to help her get past her inner turmoil, whatever the reason.

When the capability of complete communications exists in a relationship, it is a precious instrument of bonding. I could give many examples where this has been the case in my personal relationships.

< Message edited by ExSteelAgain -- 11/17/2007 9:13:33 PM >

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 9:34:15 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		The first thing I understand is that the only two people that can impact our relationship is the two people in it....he and I. Even if the same converation is taking place for the 70th time, it's him I should be having that conversation with.

Next: I don't bring my personal problem onto a board of strangers that don't know he or I and certainly don't know our dynamic. I'll talk to real life friends that are in the community. The internet is a cold form of communication. You don't have the benefit of tone of voice, facial expression or gesture. So, you're dealing in a medium where at best you're handicapped before you start. It's a great resource for general information, but not such a great resource for personal, detailed relationship issues.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 10:05:48 PM   
ixlr8


Posts: 9
Joined: 8/21/2005
Status: offline 		Edit: This is briska, i forgot to log out :)

when my Sir and i don't get along, i got to my journal.  And then i go to Him.  My journal isn't public, though a few people do read it.  I offer advice on collarme because, to be honest, some people that come here just need blunt answers, or because i want to share experiences.  I don't ask random people on the street to solve my relational queries, why would i air my laundry here?

< Message edited by ixlr8 -- 11/17/2007 10:06:20 PM >

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RE: The Unknown? - 11/17/2007 10:45:46 PM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		Cousin Steel,

Religious folk believe words in a special book can affect them. Artists find wisdom in paintings. Thoughtful readers look to books and the written word. Teenage girls on the phone feel they can solve any problem with hours and hours of talk. Galileo looked through a telescope to find meaning and psychiatrists make a living giving advice.

All these require us to follow counsel of sorts beyond that of those we are involved with, yet, we all adamantly write of the insignificance of this board on our lives right on the very board we belittle. Heh, heh, heh, said Curly.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

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