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DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 4:18:48 PM

Bobbie9395

Posts: 38
Joined: 8/29/2007
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Good afternoon. I have been communicating with a DOM with whom I have begun an online D/s relationship. My responses to the tasks he assigns me, my ability to obey, and my attitude will determine if we will actually meet. He is totally aware that one of my hard limits is that I do not share in any shape or form. I do not share myself and I will not share him. Please let me say, I DO know that humiliation is part of the lifestyle and I have no problem with that, as long as my hard limits and his hard limits are respected. He called me Friday evening and proceeded to relate to me every detail of an encounter he had with someone a couple of days earlier. He had contacted her online last weekend. At this point, since we have NOT met, but considering the fact that he has stated we have begun an online D/s relationship, are we expected to respect each other's hard limits? He's angry with me because I became a bit upset about his encounter. All I'm asking is shouldn't the respect go both ways? If we ARE in this online relationlship, I need to respond to him as if I were his sub. Isn't the reverse true? He needs to respect my hard limits, which we had previously discussed. I hope I've explained this in an understandable way. Your responses will determine what kind, if any, apology he gets from me. If I'm wrong, I have absolutely no problem with apologizing. I am totaly new to this lifestyle and want to do the right thing.

Post #: 1

RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 4:26:00 PM

mya75

Posts: 300
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline

I agree with you mainly because it was a hard limit and it was set prior to any involvement....Its not like your going to be ok with him sleeping around with as many as he wants just because he hasnt met you and will he be so easy to break off all relationships once you have met *I highly doubt he will do so easily*........I do want to point out a part in your OP that states how you will be at fault if you dont meet if thats something he has set or said ...in my opinion that is his way out when things get to close for comfort..Maybe you need to set something like this of your own in regards to not sticking to hard limits ..."My responses to the tasks he assigns me, my ability to obey, and my attitude will determine if we will actually meet" ......Good Luck

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RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 4:31:39 PM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

Dear B.-

I personal wouldn't even consider exclusivity with someone I had not actually met in person- not would I expect it from them. You are not alone in thinking differently, as I have found in the past, to my surprise...

There really is no such thing as "the Lifestyle", no unified set of rules that we all adhere to. Heck, I think it's rare when we all agree on a basic definition for something. You will have to make your own call, but I think being hurt maybe ok, but feeling betrayed is not realistic.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

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Post #: 3

RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 4:31:42 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobbie9395

Good afternoon. I have been communicating with a DOM with whom I have begun an online D/s relationship. My responses to the tasks he assigns me, my ability to obey, and my attitude will determine if we will actually meet. He is totally aware that one of my hard limits is that I do not share in any shape or form. I do not share myself and I will not share him. Please let me say, I DO know that humiliation is part of the lifestyle and I have no problem with that, as long as my hard limits and his hard limits are respected. He called me Friday evening and proceeded to relate to me every detail of an encounter he had with someone a couple of days earlier. He had contacted her online last weekend. At this point, since we have NOT met, but considering the fact that he has stated we have begun an online D/s relationship, are we expected to respect each other's hard limits? He's angry with me because I became a bit upset about his encounter. All I'm asking is shouldn't the respect go both ways? If we ARE in this online relationlship, I need to respond to him as if I were his sub. Isn't the reverse true? He needs to respect my hard limits, which we had previously discussed. I hope I've explained this in an understandable way. Your responses will determine what kind, if any, apology he gets from me. If I'm wrong, I have absolutely no problem with apologizing. I am totaly new to this lifestyle and want to do the right thing.

Is this online relationship working towards being real-time? Did the two of you agree that you would not see others? Yes, you told him it's a hard limit, but did the two of you agree that you would be monogamous? If it's staying an online relationship, good luck with imposing what would equate to chastity on a Dom. If not, it really depends on what the two of you agreed to. If you're still in the negotiation phase then he might think you're both free actors while you got the impression otherwise. Was it a reasonable impression? I don't know.

That all having been said, in my opinion, him telling you every detail about another sexual encounter (although again, I'm unclear if this is online only) is crass and inappropriate especially given the fact that you told him it would bother you.

I don't know your reasons for wanting to be online only, if in fact you are, but I would suggest to you that before you require fidelity you need a real relationship and to actually see the person and know them and spend time with them. In my opinion, anything else is a romantic fairytale.

Finally, the fact that how you will respond to him will be based on what people say here on this forum is absurd. We don't know you or him or your relationship and you don't know us or our competence or whether what we say is even sane. You need to figure out what a relationship is for you and how you want to deal with this one.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 11/18/2007 4:33:40 PM >

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RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 4:45:12 PM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

Yes...it would have pissed me off too....I would RUN not walk away from that.

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Post #: 5

RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 4:46:55 PM

bruisednbitten

Posts: 14
Joined: 11/12/2007
Status: offline

i'm going to have to go with the concensus here - i don't know that a couple, D/s or otherwise, can really claim exclusivity without a real-life meeting and connection.

i'm sorry that you're having a rough go of things. but yeah, i would respectfully walk away from that Dom

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RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 4:48:50 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I would not expect exclusivity from a stranger whom I'd not yet met.

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RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 4:49:45 PM

Squeakers

Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

So you are chatting online to see if it leads to a real time meet and you are insisting that it be monogomous on both ends? IMO the rules go both ways AFTER it becomes real time.

< Message edited by Squeakers -- 11/18/2007 4:51:26 PM >

(in reply to Bobbie9395)

Post #: 8

RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 4:50:44 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

First mistake you're making is looking for others approval in your actions to make a descion. It doesn't matter if 50 people said you were right and 40 said you were wrong. What matters is if you feel you've been wronged. You had a limit he (supposedly) agree'd to and he broke it. You don't owe any one an appology in my opnion.

My next question was did he agree to adhere to the limit, or just kind of brushed it off and you didn't get any confirmation this limit was being accepted? because you really do need to get a confirmation from someone that yes they'll adhere to this limit, other wise don't be supprised if they don't.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobbie9395

Your responses will determine what kind, if any, apology he gets from me. If I'm wrong, I have absolutely no problem with apologizing. I am totaly new to this lifestyle and want to do the right thing.

(in reply to Bobbie9395)

Post #: 9

RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 4:52:19 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

The problem I have is not his having "encounters" with someone other than you. It's the fact that he called you and made sure he rubbed your face in it after you told him you did not want to share him with anyone else. I wouldn't apologize, and I wouldn't have any further contact with him, either. He's only going to give you grief.

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RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 4:52:58 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

Hey Level. Oh, you're not Level. Never mind

............luci

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RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 4:54:04 PM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline

What windchymes said

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RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 4:55:43 PM

Bobbie9395

Posts: 38
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

I respectfully thank you all for your responses. They were very helpful. And, I must also thank you all for not treating it like a silly question. I was very hesitant to ask because I've noticed how some get flamed. I'm very grateful.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 13

RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 4:56:02 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear Bobbie9395, Ladies and Gentlemen;

I would like to offer some thoughts for your consideration. It will still be up to you how to savor it and work with what I have to say on your level of reasoning.

A computer is a tool and a tool for communication and productivity. I look at my personal life as a 'private business' to which I am the only one to head it--If all the personal aspects of the exchange is for the time being put on a shelf and just look at what is taking place in the communication like a business transaction--are you getting the returns from your investment and are your securities being secure or not...or, is the investment not what was in the bargain?

Sometimes emotions, bias, assumptions and desire and or want; can/may cloud the real bare bones of what is going on--we see the drama and outside of it--boiling it down from a rational business aspect, such as running a household, working in an office or business and or working with finances and investment; most run on expectations, respect and reliability, loyalty and committment, communication and looking out for the business' welfare as to grow and prosper--financially and in total business satisfaction and quality. This can/may view life a bit differently.

I highly doubt if any person would be willing to be co-owner with someone who cannot keep their word or take risky chances with another 'person's business'-- so, it is your business to make good choices.

Relationships require investment. But, they also need the commitment to what becomes your personal business--the other person's personal business into a partnership.

Would you buy a house unseen, no pictures, no assessment and no deed recorded or on the record and or the paperwork that is required to make the investment solid? I don't think you would invest in something untested and or unseen. I wouldn't --house might look great outside but infested with fleas, bugs, mold and mildew and gosh knows what. It might be a pain in the panties/boxers/briefs/thongs and or fig leaf; but--you really need to physically make an appraisal of what you're getting into and if its worth the value of the investment. The same with a car--kick the tires, check the knobs, check under the hood to see if there are squirrels in the wheel running the car or chipmunks and or mice--I rather have a V-8 engine myself.

People take more time selecting their car, their pets [critter kind] than relationships. Just consider putting in time and seeing people face to face, palm to palm. To me--you are worth a lot. You are a wonderful person that has value. Invest in self before hand and use the surplus to give to others.

This has to take place before you decide to be the leading force or the following force. Life's choices for the style of life and or business you wish to keep.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

< Message edited by LadyHugs -- 11/18/2007 5:04:47 PM >

(in reply to Bobbie9395)

Post #: 14

RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 5:09:48 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

Hey Level. Oh, you're not Level. Never mind............luci

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Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

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RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 5:18:38 PM

Lucylastic

Posts: 40310
Status: offline

just my two cents worth, online leading to possible offline, many people think its not real till it happens offline... personally the fact that he "rubbed your face in it" as windchymes said would be a big red flag, even if he was doing it to "test" you..blech......it shows little regard for your feelings, considering you have told him that you dont like to share. Maybe thats his "thing" its "my way or the highway" but not terribly smart if he is wooing you.
good luck
Lucy

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RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 5:22:33 PM

southernhart

Posts: 120
Joined: 9/27/2007
Status: offline

I's not a silly question and i agree with Breathe 100 percent run!

If he is not respecting you and you haven't even met yet. Imagine how he would treat you if he were with you in person.

My Owner told me from the very beginnin what he was all about. He was sdtraight forward and honest with me and he told me (without my asking) that HE DOES NOT SHARE. And he doesn't. Also, i am the only one he wants to be with.
A real Master (a real man) would never do that to you unless he was just playing with you and you don't dwerve that.

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Post #: 17

RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 5:24:29 PM

BeingChewsie

Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I would not expect exclusivity from a stranger whom I'd not yet met.

I'd not offer exclusivity or submission to a stranger I'd not yet met either...but what do I know?

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RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 5:39:02 PM

completenz

Posts: 315
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline

hi
with you and windchymes here and just wanted to add...
Humiliation is not neccessarily a part of this lifestyle. It is something that neither C or i have any interest in.
i hope you find the right one for you, i do not feel this guy is it.
good luck
c

(in reply to Lucylastic)

Post #: 19

RE: DON'T THE RULES GO BOTH WAYS? - 11/18/2007 5:44:25 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

My only question is- did he agree to respect those limits and conditions? To me it doesn't matter if it was online or who would do what- in YOUR relationships what matters is what you BOTH agree to uphold in expectations of behavior towards eachother.

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