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Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 4:09:54 PM

cyberdude611

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In other words do you fear a backlash if people found out about your interest in bdsm? Does your family know? Your boss? Neighbors? If you are single, how soon do your declare your interests to potential partners?

There seems to always be different answers to this... Some people are wide open about it. Others don't even tell their bf/gf of their interest.

Post #: 1

RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 4:12:41 PM

secretagentgirl

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Joined: 9/16/2007
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Just my personal opinion from someone who is new to this... I don't know why you'd reveal it to anyone unless it is a major lifestyle (like big-time slave, master thing.)
I mean given my almost 30 years of vanilla sex, I never told my neighbors that I like doing it doggy style. I never brought up at work that I love oral sex.

I just don't see why sexual preferences would be discussed with these people. Good friends maybe... but not others.

(in reply to cyberdude611)

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 4:12:54 PM

Muttling

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Joined: 9/30/2007
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I am very private about it. I don't go out of my way to hide it, but I don't advertise it either. I only discuss it when appropriate and when I trust the other person. This is particularly challenging with dating. If you meet up in a vanilla setting, there are kink friendlies who would take an early disclosure as me being a horney perv. That said, I don't want to string them along without being honest about my interests/ needs. It's a very fine line to walk.

(in reply to cyberdude611)

Post #: 3

RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 4:15:40 PM

topcat

Posts: 1675
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From: Tidewater, VA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: secretagentgirl
<snip> I never told my neighbors that I like doing it doggy style. I never brought up at work that I love oral sex.
</Snip>

You never had to- they could just tell...

Jeskiddin'

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to secretagentgirl)

Post #: 4

RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 4:16:37 PM

Lordandmaster

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Yes, exactly. The whole thread depends on what you mean by the word "secret." I don't walk through the streets with a T-shirt that says "I like tying up women and fucking them." But I don't HIDE my preferences, either.

quote:

ORIGINAL: secretagentgirl

I mean given my almost 30 years of vanilla sex, I never told my neighbors that I like doing it doggy style. I never brought up at work that I love oral sex.

I just don't see why sexual preferences would be discussed with these people. Good friends maybe... but not others.

(in reply to secretagentgirl)

Post #: 5

RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 4:17:05 PM

gorgeous1

Posts: 367
Joined: 11/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: secretagentgirl

Just my personal opinion from someone who is new to this... I don't know why you'd reveal it to anyone unless it is a major lifestyle (like big-time slave, master thing.)
I mean given my almost 30 years of vanilla sex, I never told my neighbors that I like doing it doggy style. I never brought up at work that I love oral sex.

I just don't see why sexual preferences would be discussed with these people. Good friends maybe... but not others.

Well said. There's just too many people out there who don't understand, don't WANT to know, or are too young to be exposed.

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(in reply to secretagentgirl)

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 4:18:26 PM

IdiotMale

Posts: 132
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Guess I should take those giant billboards down.

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 4:18:40 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
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I've never felt the need to tell anyone that I'm a Domme. I've never felt the need to tell anyone I fancy Jean Luc Picard in Star Trek either.

Why would I?

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 4:19:18 PM

beltainefaerie

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Joined: 4/15/2006
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I am very open with my friends and very private in family and work settings. I agree with secretagentgirl that I don't go around at work or with neighbors blabbing about my favorite sex positions or techniques and this seems similar. My family loves my Master and his wife as well as my mistress, but they just experience them as my very close friends. They know that we have talked about living together, but they don't know or need to know that we are sexually and BDSM involved.

(in reply to Muttling)

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 4:20:44 PM

sexyred1

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We just went over this topic last week; in a very long thread. Most agreed that it is no one's business what we do in private; if you do public that is your choice, but I don't believe you should thrust your choice on those who have not asked about it.

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 10

RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 4:21:39 PM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

Dear CD-

Most of the people around me- Boss, coworkers, family, friends, Barristas, cabdrivers, healthcare providers, know that I am fairly freaky. OTOH, I becuase I am pretty out about it, many think I am joking (until it's too late! mauhahahaha!)...

My sister, e.g., once said "...well, I knew you did that stuff- I just didn't know you really did it...". This was after walking into my apartment on a sunday morning, when I hadn't cleaned up saturday night yet<g>.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 4:27:41 PM

cyberdude611

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

We just went over this topic last week; in a very long thread. Most agreed that it is no one's business what we do in private; if you do public that is your choice, but I don't believe you should thrust your choice on those who have not asked about it.

That's not what Im saying....
Im talking about for example, if you notify a date right at the start that this is something you are into. Or do you want for several weeks or months? I mean obviously you dont start a first date by saying you like tying people up...but you also dont want to wait to tell them 3 months later.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 12

RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 4:29:40 PM

Lordandmaster

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Joined: 6/22/2004
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Ohhh...

Well, I don't date vanillas, so this problem doesn't come up. Dating Lam means you know that son of a bitch wants to tie you up and fuck you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cyberdude611

Im talking about for example, if you notify a date right at the start that this is something you are into. Or do you want for several weeks or months? I mean obviously you dont start a first date by saying you like tying people up...but you also dont want to wait to tell them 3 months later.

(in reply to cyberdude611)

Post #: 13

RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 4:35:26 PM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
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hey its not bodies freaking business but my own what my sex life is like I am not into shock value or stupid stuff like that
I think being kinda of mysterious is fun.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 14

RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 4:36:58 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

I've never felt the need to tell anyone that I'm a Domme. I've never felt the need to tell anyone I fancy Jean Luc Picard in Star Trek either.

Why would I?

rofl...JLP is hot. I agree. I don't tell people and I can't imagine a context where it would be appropriate to put them in the position to do so. Hell, even when I was vanilla I rarely talked about my sex life with others, it's just not something I do.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 4:40:59 PM

sexyred1

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Joined: 8/9/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cyberdude611

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

We just went over this topic last week; in a very long thread. Most agreed that it is no one's business what we do in private; if you do public that is your choice, but I don't believe you should thrust your choice on those who have not asked about it.

That's not what Im saying....
Im talking about for example, if you notify a date right at the start that this is something you are into. Or do you want for several weeks or months? I mean obviously you dont start a first date by saying you like tying people up...but you also dont want to wait to tell them 3 months later.

Notify a date? If you are asking how to inform someone who is vanilla that you are into kink, that is another question than the one you posed. Your question is difficult because unless you meet a prospective date on a site like collarme or at a lifestyle event, you will not know ahead of time how they will respond.

When I have gone on vanilla dates, I tried to inject some humor and saw how they responded, such as, wow, I guess I need to spanked, I am such a bad girl, that kind of thing. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it did not. If I was interested in someone, I told them probably by the third date or at least if I knew I wanted to have sex with them.

But I don't usually bring it up to vanilla guys immediately and say, hi, do you want to tie me up, whip me and fuck me roughly?

These days, I try to meet men who have this in common with me, but I understand your question better now and it is a hard thing to bring up if you are not sure, but whatever you do, be honest if you think it might go somewhere.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 11/19/2007 4:41:51 PM >

(in reply to cyberdude611)

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 4:48:33 PM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cyberdude611
That's not what Im saying....
Im talking about for example, if you notify a date right at the start that this is something you are into. Or do you want for several weeks or months? I mean obviously you dont start a first date by saying you like tying people up...but you also dont want to wait to tell them 3 months later.

Sometimes the case isn't if theres going to be sex after the first date, but if there's going to be a first date after the sex...

As most of my aquaintances have some idea, and I am pretty out about things (though often in a joking way) most of the time, when I mention that I like to tie girls up (which is just how I put it, no need to get all graphic over coffee<g>), very often I get something along the lines of "yes, I thought you might" or even-" hell, you better!"

I sometimes do it befor ethe first date, I definatly try to do it as soon as I think I might in fact be having sex with them. Sometimes I get blindsided, and let them figure it out for themselves...

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to cyberdude611)

Post #: 17

RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 5:05:06 PM

Aneirin

Posts: 6121
Joined: 3/18/2006
From: Tamaris
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If I am asked, then I am honest, if it gets too personal, then the person is advised it is none of their business, they can only wonder and make their own connections in their head.Something which has in the past created an interest from another, where before there was none.Teasing I suppose of a sort.

Anyway, I am a metalsmith at college and though it is obvious in which directions my interests lie, from my designs and creations, no-one is bothered, in fact my interview prior to being selected for the course, I had to produce designs and evidence of what I had made, all of it was things that could be applied to kink, the Lecturer, so it seemed was interested in my construction methods, contrasts and textures, surface finishes and all that, ignoring the fact that the item was a locking slave bracelet.

Artists, don't you just love 'em!

All my friends are aware, as is some of my family, no problems either way.

_____________________________

Everything we are is the result of what we have thought, the mind is everything, what we think, we become - Guatama Buddha

Conservatism is distrust of people tempered by fear - William Gladstone

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 18

RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 5:15:20 PM

lockmeupplease

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Joined: 8/9/2006
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Hmmmm.....my parents figured it out when I was a teenager and they found my stash of bondage magazines. My Dad asked me if I was mad at my Mom and wanted to whip her !!!

Two things here---unfortunately there would be a tremendous backlash. Even my "kink-friendly" friends are too macho to freely accept me as a submissive serving as a chastity slave. They would freak out if they read my daily collarme journal!!

The other thing is that the "secret" adds to the excitement. The fact that I'm wearing lace panties and a cock ring at all times is just for my Miss and not anyone else. The humiliating fear of discovery adds quite a bit--it wouldn't be half as much fun if everybody knew.

< Message edited by lockmeupplease -- 11/19/2007 5:16:20 PM >

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Post #: 19

RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/19/2007 5:18:54 PM

IrishMist

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Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

In other words do you fear a backlash if people found out about your interest in bdsm?

People I work with know, my family knows, my friends know; even my youngins know ...all of them

I don't shout it from rooftops; but when asked; I am honest about it.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to cyberdude611)

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