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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/20/2007 11:20:27 AM

tdslittlehelper

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are you asking this question because there is someone you want to tell but are not sure about the timing or if you should tell at all??

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/20/2007 11:35:44 AM

Lkg4MstrSacramen

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i look, act, and appear vanilla. My kink or sexuality does not come up in everyday conversation with those I am not intimate with. I believe my adult grown children are somewhat aware of my "differentness" however we have an agreement to agree to not discuss it. No one's business but my own

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/20/2007 12:28:05 PM

ViceVersa

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I'm out to maybe a dozen friends, but not out to any of my family. My ex knew before we got married and my oldest son could pretty much figure it out given the toys he found one day. ;-)

The first friend I came out to because she had been confiding in me about the difficulties she was having with her partner and I realized that the friendship was unequal if I allowed her to poor her guts out and never shared this part of myself with her. My ex (she's lesbian, but not kinky) and I have come out to a number of friends in common whom we thought could handle it, so that they understood more why this seemingly happy enough couple decided to split. We've never had a negative reaction...probably because we've been selective in whom we've told.

While my preference is to date folks who also have a kink sexual orientation, the woman I've been dating was originally vanilla. We went out maybe 3 times and then I decided to come out to her, so she wouldn't get a complex about why I wasn't putting any moves on her. The three-date approach worked reasonably well, because we'd talked enough for her to get a sense of the kind of person I might be, but neither of us was so invested in the relationship that we couldn't walk away. I was clear to her that I wasn't looking to convert her, but if she wanted more information, I'd be happy to share. I spent about 3 months educating her about kink - books, munches, etc. - before we ever played or had sex ourselves.

Vice

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/20/2007 12:31:54 PM

YourhandMyAss

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Nope I don't fear back lash,Nope I dont keep being kinky a secret, Yup people I consider my family, IE parents, brother sister in law, know, Any friends I have will know I am kinky, I won't always nessisarily publish the details of said kinkyness but they will know what type of relationship I have.

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/20/2007 12:40:41 PM

FRSguy

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As far as friends and some co-workers that have known me for a long time its pretty hard for them not to see that I live an alternative lifestyle.
So friends know and so do a lot of co-workers at the executive level. I get asked a lot of questions about it that are really pretty surprising and funny and one time I had to resolve an issue with a peeon that was demanding the abillity to wear her collar in the office which caused a very interesting debate and I thought it was cool to create a company policy involving bdsm submisives displays at work...LOL So for a national marketing company I think it is really wild that there is a policy on what submisives can and can not wear in the workplace.

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/20/2007 1:38:55 PM

jesiul

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This world of BDSM is no longer a secret world, but it still holds a certain stigma to it. How and why would a woman choose to be a submissive? As if it is a choice. In Hollywood the Sadist/ masochistic world is either a joke, or an ugly abuse of mindless females.

Such is the way the world still works. Are there far more in this lifestyle than openly admit to it? In my opinion, YES.

Have I come out of the preverbal closet? Generally. Most of those in my life are a part of the lifestyle, yet I can never tell my parents, but I have told my younger brother.

Would I ever “out” myself when looking for or at the work place? Never! But in a world that now openly accepts the there are homosexuals that are not deviant pedophiles, that bi-sexual woman are more common than straight ones. That handcuffs, blindfolds and feathers are a nice way to spice up, an otherwise lagging sex life for a vanilla couple. Perhaps there is a day in the near future, when one can openly profess the life they lead.

Who knows one day we may all even agree that not everything in the BDSM world is for everyone, and we all find our own paths into happiness in this life.

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/20/2007 2:28:08 PM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cyberdude611

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

We just went over this topic last week; in a very long thread. Most agreed that it is no one's business what we do in private; if you do public that is your choice, but I don't believe you should thrust your choice on those who have not asked about it.

That's not what Im saying....
Im talking about for example, if you notify a date right at the start that this is something you are into. Or do you want for several weeks or months? I mean obviously you dont start a first date by saying you like tying people up...but you also dont want to wait to tell them 3 months later.

I'm sorry I missed this. I think trying to convert people not into bdsm is quite an uphill battle, I can't say it's something I would try personally, so I can't answer that question.

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/20/2007 3:08:34 PM

Bearlee

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Fast Reply:

This is an interesting conversation. I recently saw something about religion, sexual preference and kink; which is more important to hide?

For me…I’m a fairly private person. I would probably not get into a discussion regarding my religious (well…spiritual) beliefs with a stranger, nor my sexual preferences and probably not even my politics; so why my kink?

I’m with many others here…I do not date vanilla any longer, but if I’m not sure…I’ll drop serious hints like ‘Where IS my flogger when I need it?’ Case in point; a man recently in my store (for the second time and he spends a LONG time in here for some reason…LOL), so when he made a ‘tie me up’ comment I followed with mine. We both laughed, but later, when I let him have something (inexpensive) for half price, after spending a bunch on something else… he tried to object. I told him I like him owing me, this way he can come back and take me to lunch! Heh, heh, heh…he’s cute too! We’ll see…

At any rate, some friends have clues and regularly tease me (one brought some hot sauce back from New Orleans with a whip wielding Domina on the label); my family doesn't know, nor people I work with. Oh...it's a VERY small town too, so I try to keep such things from my neighbors, as well. LOL

Beverly

LOL It may be time to get rid of one of these profiles; I shoulda responded as MsBearlee!!!

< Message edited by Bearlee -- 11/20/2007 3:29:57 PM >

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/21/2007 5:01:17 PM

WoodNymph

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As a single it makes it difficult to hide my desires. Sex with a vanilla man is just not satisfying. And finding someone with my same dislikes/likes has proven difficult too. My position at work is very public so everything has to be kept secret. No "markings" as many like to do. But the lifestyle is worth working around it.

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/21/2007 5:29:15 PM

slaveF0rTraining

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/21/2007 11:57:57 PM

stella41b

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I'm totally open about it. I don't advertise it or shove it in anyone's face, but I don't hide it or deny it either. It runs right through my life and even in my work in theatre (I write and direct plays). References to BDSM can be found in many of my plays. This has been noted a few times in reviews. In one of my plays one woman asks another "So you're into pissing on men and domination?". The play was staged in Warsaw in 2002. It got me a very good review from a critic, who wrote 'this play contains dialogues and words never heard before on a stage in Poland'. There was a bit of a backlash and I was accused of being vulgar. "Aha so being rammed up the backside just after midnight by a drunken husband smelling of cheap vodka isn't being vulgar?" I recall was my response, "And what about beating children with leather belts and canes? Isn't that child abuse?" If there's someone who's guaranteed to get on my tits it's some hypocrite who's claiming the moral high ground.

I guess I'm lucky as I'm a TS female and nobody really bats an eyelid. They just assume it's part of me. But it also works in reverse. I occasionally get accused of being into kinks that I'm not really into.

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/22/2007 11:45:14 PM

arayofsunshine55

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How I share this is no more secret than the quality of my dump yesterday. It's just not something I share with everyone. Many can choose what they want to share, with whom, in other words understand and maintain their own boundaries as they desire, without those boundaries necessarily delineating "secrets".

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/23/2007 5:07:07 AM

eyesopened

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i wear a collar 24/7 that looks like a silver choker of twisted barbed wire. No one asks me if it means anything and i don't volunteer. my Master requires that i wear panties to work. i don't announce to anyone that hey i'm wearing underwear today just like i didn't announce that i never wore underwear before. i stopped dating vanilla many years ago so that hasn't been an issue.

my family has always known i'm a little twisted in my thinking my friends have never come out and asked me and i don't go out of my way to say anything. i conduct myself the way my Master wants me to and it's none of anyone's business.

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/23/2007 8:11:17 AM

LotusSong

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Muttling

I am very private about it. I don't go out of my way to hide it, but I don't advertise it either. I only discuss it when appropriate and when I trust the other person.

Same here

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/23/2007 9:10:52 AM

OsideGirl

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My personal view is that my sex life is no one else's business. I didn't discuss it when I was vanilla and I don't discuss it now.

My family does not know. My mother would just be hurt and I don't want to be the person to hurt her. It's not ncessary for her to know.

Most of my friends are in the community, so that's not an issue. My vanilla friends do not know. Again, it's none of their business.

And lastly, if my employer found out, I'd most likely get fired. Our company has a morality clause.

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/23/2007 9:21:53 AM

sambamanslilgirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cyberdude611

In other words do you fear a backlash if people found out about your interest in bdsm?

would depend on the person who found out

quote:

Does your family know?

nothing worse than having a Bible slapped upside your head (has happened to me before) - so i wouldn't tell my family about my interest in BDSM. that side to my life remains private ...it's like the "don't ask don't tell" policy in the military.

quote:

Your boss?

discussing kinky sex makes excellent radio programming especially on Fridays and it wouldn't be the first time either. we had a pro-Domme (Mistress Xena) and a shibari expert on air before.

quote:

Neighbors?

hmmm - i wonder what they're thinking upon hearing the painful slaps of Daddy's riding crop across my ass and my moaning (whimpering) each time i count them

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/23/2007 9:24:51 AM

tanzur

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cyberdude611

In other words do you fear a backlash if people found out about your interest in bdsm? Does your family know? Your boss? Neighbors? If you are single, how soon do your declare your interests to potential partners?

There seems to always be different answers to this... Some people are wide open about it. Others don't even tell their bf/gf of their interest.

I don't fear a backlash if people find out; I just do not feel the need to expose my personal life to anyone on the street. The same goes with family; it's my personal business, not theirs.

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/23/2007 11:19:22 AM

Jeffff

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If asked, I tell and talk about it. But I don't wear a little, "I wanna beat you" button

Jeff

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/23/2007 11:32:32 AM

EEdwardGrey

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I keep it private, but sometimes when the subject comes up with vanilla friends my knowledge of somethings raises a few eyebrows.

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RE: Do you keep your kink a secret? - 11/25/2007 1:20:43 PM

ScorpGirl444

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This is actually a funny question for me.

I have been into the lifestyle in some fashion since I was 14 (yes, 14, I could tell you stories that would make you want to lock up your children

).

When I was 16 I started going out with my boyfriend (who was 15 and is now my husband and we have been together for nearly 12 years). We started having sex 2 weeks after going out and I think the second time I mentioned that I wanted him to spank me. He was OK with that and used his belt. I have to say, I couldn't sit right for 2 days. We've been doing this for our entire relationship now and we have grown to learn what we both like together.

When I was in college a friend of mine gave me a birthday gift. The gift was one of those stupid sex kits from Spencers which just happened to be of a small fake whip and fake cuffs. I say fake cuffs cause they would have broken if I dropped them on the carpet. I still have no idea what made her get me that gift as she knew absolutely nothing about what my boyfriend and I were doing.
I went home and had the whip in one of my bags. One day when I wasn't home my mother's dog opened the bag and took out the whip. When I got home my mother asked if I was a dominatrix. I laughed and said no. I didn't tell her the truth about me but to this day she thinks that I'm a dominatrix and will say it in just that way.

At work, I don't say anything however I have had to try to explain certain things which is always hard. In my last job I was friends with 2 women who I became pretty close with. We told each other everything about well...everything. I didn't tell them about my relationship with my husband but one day they asked if I wanted to go out that night for drinks. I politely said, let me get back to you, I need to check with my husband. They both looked at me like I had two heads. They were like, just call him and tell him you are going. Well, since I didn't know if he would be OK with me going I couldn't just say, OK, I'll do that. I couldn't bluff this in the small chance he would say no. I tried to say that we might have plans or we might have something to do I'm not thinking of. Well they wern't buying it. I eventually just said that I needed to get permission and that it was complicated. Needless to say, they nearly held me down to get more info. I know that sounds bad but in their defense, they wanted to make sure he wasn't abusing me in anyway. When I told them they were curious and didn't judge me. I was surprised but it was nice to know that they would understand (if not fully, at least a little) that when we wanted to do something it needed to be planned and if it was spontaneous that I needed to get permission first.

~Scorp~

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