TiNeedsHouseboy
Posts: 145
Joined: 4/24/2005
From: Big Apple blossom blown to The Windy City
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: IndigoDadesi
I personally have brought a lot of bagage from my family life and how my parents tended to argue before the divorced. I am always the first to give up and threaten to leave. Alway the first to be distructively critical and tell him hes not good enough. And usually the first to lose my patience during an arguement. he has recently told me that he has felt afraid of expressing his opinions/beliefs/goals/etc. to me for fear that I will disapprove, so theres another aspect that we need to work on.
I've been mulling over how to address your initial request. I wasn't certain how to reply, as I had a feeling that there was more to your question. The mystery began to de-cloak with the above post.
Other people have posted very good advice for moving a D/s relationship forward. I'd like to be a tad more conservative and cautious on your behalf, if I may.
As I see it, before you can successfully cultivate a burgeoning D/s rapport, you need to sweep your inner self clean of ghosts from your past. Unlike Dr. Phil McGraw, who endorses instant solutions, I can't offer an immediate magical resolution.
You're clearly bright and articulate. You are your strongest ally and resource to problem solving the turbulence of shadow worlds that lie within. Figuring out how to free yourself emotionally from your parents' difficult past is a significant challenge.
Generally, in such situations, while our brains grasp why such behaviors are "bad," our hearts and guts lag behind. Getting control of the emotional side will help you take control of the inner you, enhancing your happiness and confidence. That, in turn, will pave a path to maximizing your role as a dominant woman who blends well with her slave's needs to please her. Pragmatically speaking, how can he surrender to your control if your control is out of sorts?... plus, you're feeling guilty about it.
I wholeheartedly agree with the notion of behavioral rewards and corrections. Since each of us is our own #1 advocate, you owe it to yourself to initiate self-directed behavioral corrections. My recommended start point: begin by learning to contend with the negative components of your parents' marriage that affect your adult relationships. To that end, have you ever given any thought to talking with a kink aware psychotherapist? This can facilitate your self-search, as it's quite easy to get bogged down, wondering which way to turn; a therapist can serve as an objective mirror of your dilemmas.
Think of it this way: You're engaged in a journey of self-exploration. Every good explorer takes along a compass. Just as an explorer of uncharted geography can accidentally lose his compass by slipping on steep terrain, or sliding into an unseen bog, your self-journey can lead you to unsettling paths that must be traveled before you can reach a clear path. A therapist is trained to know when (s)he should help steady your grasp on that compass, when to hold onto it for you, and when to hand it back to you and declare you've reached safe harbor. In short, (s)he's there to help prevent you from wandering too far off the beaten path and getting lost in your darkness -- which can become so obscured by storm clouds that you can't even spot the North Star to facilitate navigation.
I can't stress the following enough:
A person does not need to be bonkers or pathologically dysfunctional to see a psychotherapist.
It's simply a useful tool to facilitate your quest to maximizing the dominant women who lies within you. Besides, it's the 21 century and it's chic have a shrink. <grins>
I took the liberty of checking the Kink Aware Professionals roster in Alberta. Only one psychotherapist is listed. I don't know this guy from a hole in the wall. His credentials reflect a practitioner who's a psychiatric social worker. Your first session is free, if you want to see if you feel you're comfortable trying to work with him. If you don't feel like he's the therapist for you, psychotherapists are accustomed to being asked for referrals; you can feel free request one. Given the nature of the issues you're struggling with, you wouldn't have to be limited to a kink aware professional.
If you decide to contact this therapist, his info is:
Edward Sandberg, MSW, RSW (Alberta), #201 10008 - 109 Street, Edmonton, Alberta, T5J 1M4, 780-707-2115, fax: 780-707-1404, [email protected]
Individual, couple (and other relationship groupings) and group counseling. I work primarily with adults and sometimes with adolescents. I have experience working in a wide range of lifestyles, including B/D, S/M, Fetish and D/s. Single, or in a relationship if kink is part of your life let's work together in a safe, supportive, non judgmental environment to find your answers. Fees: $95 per hour. Sliding scale to a minimum of $60 per hour. First session; half hour free consultation.
Beyond blazing a trail to your inner Domme, you'll also need to have regularly scheduled open discussion with your partner/slave.... same time each week.... plus he should feel free to request additional time, if he feels the need to talk and it won't keep until your weekly communication session. During these sessions, you should both feel free to speak what's on your mind. Your partner/slave can say anything, so long as he's respectful.
I also have two Jack Rinella articles I'd like to recommend. Ignore the fact that Jack is a bisexual Switch, with a preference for SM and men and being a Dom. His advice can often be given to any vanilla couple because he "gets it" about what makes or breaks relationships. BTW, if you enjoy Jack's articles, you can sign up on his site for his free e-zine under Kinky Info.
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