RE: Finding A Mistress (Full Version)

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TiNeedsHouseboy -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/13/2005 10:11:47 PM)

Let's talk turkey, shall we?

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn
I've never really been good with small talk, and that's what the back and forth of email tends to be like for me. I really suck at small talk situations. I understand this is probably automatically unattractive to a number of women, but I have to be honest because just talking around it doesn't seem to make it any better.

After reading some of your Message Board posts, plus looking through your blog (plus some of your now defunct web text, cached by Google), I sent you an e-mail. Though written with a light tone, and never expressing an interest in having you as my long-term or temp houseboy, it was far from chit-chat. You opted to respond with deadly silence. That places a whole new light on your above statement -- at least from where I'm sitting.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn
For me, I think most potential relationships from online seem to fail because I tend to eventually start thinking that nothing is ever going to develop, and I start to lose interest in months of talking back and forth that doesn't seem to go anywhere.

Could you define or give examples of "doesn't go anywhere?" Are you trying to say you don't get to the point of having a scene? ... that you're stuck in the cerebral mode of a Platonic alliance?

Do you feel that dominant women are only worth your time if they're going to accept your submission?

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn
In an atmosphere where women are extremely judgmental because they can be, it's very hard to maintain a continuous attempting position when any little thing can cause her to drop you and go for one of the many others vying for her attention.

So, if I'm reading this correctly....

Are you saying that rather than risk rejection, you feel no contact is a safer/better tactic?


quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn
Coupled with the realization that even after having made the initial contact, it's not extremely easy for a submissive to lead the conversation to something real when the one who would eventually be the one in charge doesn't seem moving in that general direction.

You lost me. What does it mean to "lead the conversation to something real" from your perspective?


Correct me if I'm wrong, but the vibes I'm picking up are:
"Oh, poor me. I can't meet a dominant female"
vs.
Rationalizing why you're actively sabotaging any prospects of finding someone with whom you'd be a good match --
or networking your way to a possible successful match --
because wallowing in self-pity is easier than the threat of rejection.


What's even more disconcerting is an underlying implication that interactions that don't lead to a guaranteed woman to dominate you equal a waste of your time.

~ Ti ~



TiNeedsHouseboy -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/13/2005 11:28:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: neosub11
...in a closed community as a college campus, people talk, and when the subject is of a taboo nature, people unfortunately often get the wrong ideas in their head.


Pardon my skepticism, but what kinda college are you attending? The colleges I know are quite liberal in attitude.

You list your location as Queens/L.I. You're in the heart of my ex-neck of the woods:

Newtown High School (grew up in Jackson Heights.... as in, "There's a traffic jam in Harlem that's backed up to Jackson Heights! Car 54 where are you?" ... Hope you know the tune.... It's the only song I know that includes Jackson Heights.... Had to toss it into the pool! LOL). Went to Hunter College for undergrad. Got my Master's from CCNY. (Moved out of NYC for continued experiences in tuition bill creation.)

What happened to college campuses having student clubs/organizations? What happened to student organizations that appeal to BDSM'ers? Heck, when it comes to resources, you can't beat (no pun intended) a college campus!

If you're too concerned about how you'll be perceived if you join such an organization on your own campus, have you investigated whether other colleges will allow you to join their events? For example, have you tried to network via Conversio Virium at Columbia University?



What about WHAP (We Honor All Perverts), founded circa 2002, on the New York University campus? Here are a couple of articles about it:



You can also go here to search for college-based organizations:



~ Ti ~



sarbonn -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/14/2005 5:40:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TiNeedsHouseboy

Let's talk turkey, shall we?

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn
I've never really been good with small talk, and that's what the back and forth of email tends to be like for me. I really suck at small talk situations. I understand this is probably automatically unattractive to a number of women, but I have to be honest because just talking around it doesn't seem to make it any better.

After reading some of your Message Board posts, plus looking through your blog (plus some of your now defunct web text, cached by Google), I sent you an e-mail. Though written with a light tone, and never expressing an interest in having you as my long-term or temp houseboy, it was far from chit-chat. You opted to respond with deadly silence. That places a whole new light on your above statement -- at least from where I'm sitting.


The email you sent came to me while I was in the process of transitioning from one part of my life to another (from student to an occupation, from moving from one place to another across the state). I read through your profile and realized I met a whole bunch of flags in your required provisos, such as I'm not old enough (you advertise for only 42-52), I don't live in Chicago and am most likely not going to be relocating there any time soon, and then the "you may only enter Ti-land if you can take my breath away." Reading through the rest of the profile, I got the impression that you were seeking something far beyond me, so I didn't want to waste your time any further.

As for the rest of your post, I'm not going to bother with it because honestly if someone wants to criticize you, then it's not worth trying to continue a conversation. There's way too much hostility here as it is. From Akasha I expect it because in a decade, she has yet to say a friendly thing to me anyway. It seems to be something about these boards. Miss saying something that everyone wants to hear and then a collection of people feel the need to make sure you come off as negative as physically possible. There seems to be a lot of talking to the choir activity here that can be quite deadly if you don't toe the perceived company line or you come at odds with one of the more popular names here.



sarbonn -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/14/2005 6:02:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha


A couple of things. First, don't take this the wrong way, I'm just being honest -- I've seen your posts for years, and most of them are downers.


That's the problem of having been a part of the scene for years. I'm definitely not the same person I was those years ago, and obviously first impressions tend to linger with some people more than others. I'm actually quite upbeat about quite a few things these days. Unfortunately, some people tend to hold you to ancient perceptions. That's okay. It's not like I'm losing some popularity contest or something. It's all good.


I am talking more specifically even about the posts here on collarme -- I can't recall many that were upbeat, optimistic, cheerful. Most have been complaining about how you have given up (how many times have you typed the words "given up"). I don't recall ever reading a message from you that had an overall "positive" slant to it. I am not talking about anything from years ago.

Go take a quick read of your past posts here. Or just do a search for "given up" or "gave up" and you might be surprised.

Akasha


Sounds like it's taken out of context, even if it may have been me taking me out of context. I've never "given up." I left the scene. I left the scene because I moved to a much more conservative area of the country and started to realize that I was probably not going to find what I was looking for in this neck of the woods. I kept believing I was going to be moving back to San Francisco after I finished my Ph.D., but after my school work was over, I ended up getting a lucrative offer in this same neck of the woods, so I realized that I'd probably be stuck in this area for a very long time.

But it's not really giving up. It's frustration. I mean, honestly, what do you expect someone to do? Be upbeat about not having been in a bdsm relationship for the last seven or eight years? Sure, it's my fault. I know that. But I also tend to put forth a lot of humor that has a tendency to use me as the victim rather than other people. As such, I've grown used to making myself the target of much of this humorous ridicule, even to the point that it sometimes comes out in regular speech. Sure, I know that's not attractive, but when you've been used to either dating vanilla only or spending your evening with your legos and stuffed animals, well it can sometimes come off that way.

I also write things as I see them. Unlike a lot of people who try to pretend to be something they're not, I'm brutally honest. When guys with one purpose in mind have completely worn down the femdoms on boards to the point where NO MAN is trusted as being sincere, it's pretty hard to be upbeat about that. We have a lot of things in our midst that serves to derail the process for a lot of people attempting to find the appropriate partners. It's unfortunate, but it happens a lot. Ignoring it or glossing over it doesn't make it any better.

I used to maintain a web site to help other submissives find their way. That web site was accessed by a woman claiming to be in the scene who then used it to try to get me fired from my teaching job. Sorry, but it was hard to keep a happy face during that drama.

I also think you have a VERY selective memory of anything I've written, and that's filtered through a lens I've ascertained is not very rosy.


As for giving up

from 8/04
quote:


I've mentioned this before but the HNGs have made it so difficult for the sincere ones of us in the community that a lot of us have pretty much just given up trying to connect with anyone. I've had people push me away because of pre-screening that is designed to get rid of lots of people where quite often I don't even get a chance to be taken seriously or even in a serious context. When it happens enough times, you start to realize that the insincere ones have made it practically impossible for the rest of us to manage successfully, so that doing nothing is often more beneficial than wasting time.


from 7/05
quote:


I'd probably be very comfortable with a woman who was of the take-charge nature if that taking charge brought her pleasure as part of the relationship. I don't need the fetishy things to make it work for me. Those were all great when I was exploring this lifestyle for the first time, but while I think such things are great, they wouldn't be necessary for me at all.

I've pretty much given up for now. While I wouldn't turn away the right woman if she came along, I've stopped looking. I run into too many toxic people, and I've started to believe that something I'm doing is attracting them.


It sounds like me that you have given up for the most part.

As for poking fun at yourself as a way of being humorous, it's self deprecation -- but isn't it also narcissistic? Generally people self deprecate when they want others to stand up for them and say "oh no, that's not true, you are really wonderful!" Making yourself the target of ridicule is still *making yourself the target*. The first thing femdoms (or any people seeking relationships) don't want to see is "it's all about ME!" It's not all about you -- if you want to attract a partner you should be writing about what you have to offer, how you can enrich, and how you can add joy and pleaure by the nature of your company.

I'm just saying -- that kind of self deprecation is just a downer. Is that the kind of person you want to go to an amusement park with or have hour long phone calls?


Akasha



Yes, you have taken this out of context by highlighting the words you want to say what you are trying to interpret. "Giving up" can mean several things. You're taking it in both of these instances as "Giving up": I am ending my search and becoming a Tibetan monk. The definition of these giving up statements are "Giving up": So many obstacles have been thrown into the mix these days that I may never actually succeed in finding someone no matter how hard I try. I'm still looking, but damn I sure can't believe how much extra baggage exists in the search process these days. Therefore, I am practically giving up on my chances, not on my search."

By the way, people hang out with me all the time and I'm the life of the party. I'm a very funny, intellectual person IN PERSON. Self deprecation done by people who don't know how to do it is depressing. Self deprecation done by someone with a sense of humor comes off as hilarious and very easy to hang out with. People hang out with me because I actually make them feel better being around me. That rarely translates well on the Internet, unfortunately. Even that last sentence probably sounds negative because it was written rather than said.

Poking fun at myself is not narcisstic. It sounds like the pool of people who do this around you are very limited and you're perceiving everyone must be negative or self-absorbed to be this way. It just means your pool is limited in this area because my attitude in conversation is quite engaging to the point of encompassing a friendly atmosphere that is quite attractive in most settings. A very long time ago, my humor used to be projected out at people (insultive) and after I completely devastated some guy just incorporating humor and intelligence against what was obviously an unarmed opponent, I felt almost dirty afterwards. From that day on (decades ago), I vowed to change my sense of humor, and I did. I'm actually a very, very funny person, but if there's EVER a victim of my humor, it's me, and it's rarely done in a negative fashion but in a "hey, life is kind of strange" kind of way. Again, that type of attitude is hard to put forth on a message board because this is an atmosphere where people feel the need to rely on emoticons to verify their sense of humor.

But no, I haven't given up. If I had "given up", I'd have closed any bdsm account I've had and joined a church. Yeah, the scene is frustrating these days from a male submissive perspective, but rather than say that over and over again, I've at least tried to get to the heart of what causes the complexity, which means I somewhat expect everyone else to already recognize the issues at stake and then try to explain what I believe is going on. Women HAVE become much more selective online. THAT does not mean I am ridiculing women when I say that (as you seemed to take offense to in another thread). What that means is that because the guys trying to gain a woman's attention have become more opportunistic and dishonest in their approaches, it has made it more difficult for anyone who is really trying to find someone based on honesty, sincerity and integrity. Instead, when I mention this, I'll have someone attack me because I'm somehow "against women" or blaming women. People don't often read deep enough into anything these days, as if people are only capable of surface reading these days.

As for that 7/05 post, that, too, is somewhat taken out of context because that was in direct response to a woman who had contacted me and started up a telephone relationship, stating she was something COMPLETELY different than she actually turned out to be. She was racist, hated practically every other woman on the planet (and made constant references to how fat women were disgusting and that that's why I was so fortunate because she was so much more attractive than the slugs that inhabit Collarme). She then started calling me when she was drunk and kept trying to pick fights with me. I wrote that post RIGHT after that. Sorry if a toxic person brought me to an unhappy place. Someone turned around and said I was stupid for not trying to make it work because I should have just been fortunate to have a beautiful woman interested in me. That's the kind of thing that makes it really hard to be upbeat sometimes. That doesn't mean that a gut response of one day dictates your attitude over the other 6 days of the week.



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/14/2005 6:31:29 AM)

My $.02 worth:
I too have gotten a generally negative vibe from you, and have never seen you express much by way of happy/fun thoughts/feelings, until in a recent post actually I saw a slight hint of a sense of humor peak through.

I was also stunned when I read that in your years here, you've only initiated contact with one lady. How can anyone be that specific? Or is it that you cannot possibly take a chance on approaching and being rejected?
I wanted to say that for what it's worth, I thought you and Ti would probably match well, that is if Pollox doesn't steal her off first (since the two of them seem to be kindred spirits). I just love happy endings. M



sarbonn -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/14/2005 6:38:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

My $.02 worth:
I too have gotten a generally negative vibe from you, and have never seen you express much by way of happy/fun thoughts/feelings, until in a recent post actually I saw a slight hint of a sense of humor peak through.

I was also stunned when I read that in your years here, you've only initiated contact with one lady. How can anyone be that specific? Or is it that you cannot possibly take a chance on approaching and being rejected?
I wanted to say that for what it's worth, I thought you and Ti would probably match well, that is if Pollox doesn't steal her off first (since the two of them seem to be kindred spirits). I just love happy endings. M


The reason for only contacting one person has nothing to do with a fear of rejection. I'm a writer. I get rejected on a constant basis.

No, it was mainly because I kept putting other things in front of me. At first, it was school, then writing and then whatever else I could come up with. I tend to feel that women get too many cold calls from guys on the boards, so I avoided contacting anyone, just using the message boards instead. I figured it someone was interested in me, something would probably develop through that process. Sure, it meant losing tons of chances, but I sort of understood that, even if I probably REALLY didn't understand that.

As for Ti, she had several absolutes in her profile that I just didn't meet. I know women get really upset when guys contact them while knowing they don't meet their standards put forth in their profiles.



UtopianRanger -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/14/2005 7:11:58 AM)

quote:


That's the problem of having been a part of the scene for years. I'm definitely not the same person I was those years ago, and obviously first impressions tend to linger with some people more than others.


I realize in the beginning, there’s not much else to go on, the profile and posts one makes, are good evaluation tools for those trying to assess compatibility. But to extrapolate one’s on-line persona to that of their real-life one, doesn’t always do them justice

I wish to qualify the above statement by telling you a little story.


I’ve collected a specific type of Art/Antiquities since my late twenties. Back in early 1998, a couple of collectors/dealers from the East coast put together a web site/ message board for the sole purpose of trying to curb the rampant fraud that exists via the acquisition of these fine relics.

Since I knew these collectors and was in touch with them all time, I was among a handful of the first participants. It wasn’t but a couple months and the site had over five hundred members. After it’s first 18 months it had nearly 2000 members to the message board. And just like the board here, there are participants from all over the country, and many others countries as well.

As with the board here, most of the 2000 participants were readers only, and some only once in a while. And again, just like collarme, you could pretty much count on the same 75 to 100 folks that posted and participated every day {or nearly everyday}.

After the first 18 months of active participation, you really felt like you got to know many of the participants. Some were polite and politically correct; others were rude and obnoxious. Some were smug and condescending; others were down to earth and friendly. Some were blunt and to the point; others were evasive and cryptic, and so on and so on.

About mid 2000, with all the web sites and e-bay really coming into play, the on-line, collecting subculture really began to explode. There weren’t many shows out here in the west but in the heartland they were popping up almost every weekend. These web sites and message boards started to host parties and get togethers before and during the shows. And being the passionate collector I am, I started flying all around the country attending these shows.

When I met most of the people from the message board, quite a few of them were, as they seemed. But many of them who seemed to be very likeable and exceptionally fine people on-line, turned out to be some of the most patronizing {and just for the sake of patronizing}, phony and politically correct people I’ve ever might in my life.

To this day, some of those who I initially despised because of their slightly negative, on-line persona, turned out to be some of my closest collecting friends, because they are blunt and honest.

Now, I know my little story here doesn’t do much to tie into the dominant female / male submissive dynamic, but it does bear quite a bit of relevance when comes to judging the whole on-line persona thing.

I place whole lot more value in a few phone conversations and a quick meeting, than a profile and a perceived on-line persona.




Now I say…. Get her phone number and buy her drink!





- The Ranger



truesubboy -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/14/2005 10:02:55 AM)

If you are saying that it's always the Mistress's responsibility to contact the sub, then I disagree. Everyone communicates differently and visits the site with varying degrees of frequency. Both parties should email others as they see fit.

Now I have had some Mistress's contact me through this site and I feel very priviledged. Since there are so many male subs and so few Mistresses (and apparently even fewer who are actually looking for a sub) it's an honor to be noticed from the masses.



SlaveR1 -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/14/2005 11:02:50 AM)

Never said it was the responsibility of the Mistress to contact a sub/slave. I think something that's being left out here and I don't want to start another uproar, When it's time to serve 90% (this might be low) of the subs/slaves are no where to be found. So the arguement ( from Mistresses point of view) that I can get anyone is out the door. They (the sub/slave) will meet you at the Starbucks at 123 main street , Cyberville, USA. Enjoy that cup of coffee by yourself, bring something to read. Anybody can say anything they want, but how many people back it up?



ManOwner -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/14/2005 11:58:33 AM)

If I had to be the one to make first contact with every prospective male slave, I would have no time left over for anything else.



ManOwner -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/14/2005 12:01:31 PM)

quote:

SlaveR1: Never said it was the responsibility of the Mistress to contact a sub/slave.


Yes you did:

quote:

SlaveR1: I feel the Mistresses should be contacting the subs/slaves.



SlaveR1 -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/14/2005 12:22:11 PM)

My mistake.



neosub11 -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/14/2005 12:50:35 PM)

quote:

neosub, have you been in contact with Conversio Virium? It is Columbia University's student organization for BDSM. There's probably not much happening until the school year begins again, but maybe you could network with some of the people who belong to it.


While I had heard about the existence of such an organization at Columbia, this merely confirms it. I don't happen to be a Columbia University student but I think I will get in touch with them anyway. Thanks for the heads up!



lilyophelia -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/14/2005 1:08:23 PM)

i've read a majority of the posts here so far, and many of them have been very well-written and intelligent, etc. i will say that i very much agree with the idea that there are a huge number of men who claim to be submissive...and they are, as long as Y/you are talking about sexual situations where Y/you dominate them and cater to their fantasies; when you start to get into the number of men who want something more or different, numbers fall sharply.

The lack of female Dominants, especially in real-life scenes (like clubs, munches, etc.) seems more pronounced because, for a woman to poise Herself in real-world interaction as being a Dominant individual takes a bit of confidence and self-awareness, i think. The world does not usually reinforce a woman's dominance, and it takes a very strong individual to not care and to express Herself in an honest and mostly unchallengable way.

It does not take much at all for the run-of-the-mill male (or female, for that matter) to act passively and call themselves a submissive. It does take much more, and is much more impressive when a potential submissive/slave has mastered certain virtues on their own and s/he approaches a Dominant with patience, courtesy, respect, sincerity, integrity, etc; just as much as i believe that a Lady should be able to express those same virtues towards potentials before a submissive/slave belongs to Her.

When all things are equal (and they never are), and when a sincere and mostly selfless male submissive approaches my Miss and i, he gets a very thorough chance to know U/us and to make a case for why he should belong to U/us. i spend an extraordinary amount of time (hours per day, on most days) talking to possible slaves, looking through profiles, supporting others who live D/s lives through communication and chatting, etc. When a male slave approaches me and i can see the distinct aura of someone who is selfish, insincere, lost in fantasy, married (and not openly honest about it), disrespectful, illiterate or unable to express thoughts in any great detail, etc., then i simply don't have the time to waste. They are lucky that i always reply to my e-mail, and they get a pretty standard "thanks for asking, but this and this and this really make U/us feel that you would not be right for U/us."

Now, when i'm looking through profiles for someone of substance to approach (and i spend more then enough time doing it, believe me), it really takes a lot of effort and sincerity to justify my contact. i waste enough of my time with absolutely worthless people (who clog up and frustrate the site and are dishonest and all of those other bad things); and those are just the ones who contact me. i don't have enough hours in the day to go looking for trouble...i get so many (mostly insincere) messages as it is...if you hardly get any messages yourself (as a male submissive), then you should have an abundance of time to search for Someone who is right for you; i would encourage you to do some serious soul-seeking first, though, and to know exactly who you are before you bug an over-bugged Lady. Take the time to make the journey to that place where you are ready to commit to something serious, express yourself with a deep sincerity and honesty, and i promise that you will go much, much farther with much less effort.

If you are an absolutely amazing (in terms of the virtues i've mentioned before) submissive boy/girl (of any age, sexual preference, race, height, weight, etc.) and you feel that you are not getting the consideration that someone of your worth deserves, then please feel free to contact me. my Miss and i are very much looking for longtime, live-in slaves that can fit snuggly within O/our household (but only one new person at time). W/we are open to submissives/slaves of all genders, including honestly transgendered individuals, of all ages (youthful, yet mature and sincere, to much older individuals who can stay with U/us forever), of all races, sexual persuasions (W/we can force what W/we wish on you in the end, after all), etc. All it takes is for someone who is really a submissive/slave to approach U/us and to meet O/our basic requirements (excessively detailed in O/our profiles), and things would probably move on from there to something quite serious. There should be no reason for a fully developed and self-aware and honest individual to not find a place where they belong.

Just an opinion (and a slight advertisement) :P Good luck, and thank Y/you all for Y/your wonderful thoughts...they cause thoughts to happen in me ^^

-lily



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/14/2005 1:30:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilyophelia
It does not take much at all for the run-of-the-mill male (or female, for that matter) to act passively and call themselves a submissive. It does take much more, and is much more impressive when a potential submissive/slave has mastered certain virtues on their own and s/he approaches a Dominant with patience, courtesy, respect, sincerity, integrity, etc; just as much as i believe that a Lady should be able to express those same virtues towards potentials before a submissive/slave belongs to Her.
When all things are equal (and they never are), and when a sincere and mostly selfless male submissive approaches my Miss and i, he gets a very thorough chance to know U/us and to make a case for why he should belong to U/us. i spend an extraordinary amount of time (hours per day, on most days) talking to possible slaves, looking through profiles, supporting others who live D/s lives through communication and chatting, etc. When a male slave approaches me and i can see the distinct aura of someone who is selfish, insincere, lost in fantasy, married (and not openly honest about it), disrespectful, illiterate or unable to express thoughts in any great detail, etc., then i simply don't have the time to waste. They are lucky that i always reply to my e-mail, and they get a pretty standard "thanks for asking, but this and this and this really make U/us feel that you would not be right for U/us."

Now, when i'm looking through profiles for someone of substance to approach (and i spend more then enough time doing it, believe me), it really takes a lot of effort and sincerity to justify my contact. i waste enough of my time with absolutely worthless people (who clog up and frustrate the site and are dishonest and all of those other bad things); and those are just the ones who contact me. i don't have enough hours in the day to go looking for trouble...i get so many (mostly insincere) messages as it is...if you hardly get any messages yourself (as a male submissive), then you should have an abundance of time to search for Someone who is right for you; i would encourage you to do some serious soul-seeking first, though, and to know exactly who you are before you bug an over-bugged Lady. Take the time to make the journey to that place where you are ready to commit to something serious, express yourself with a deep sincerity and honesty, and i promise that you will go much, much farther with much less effort.

If you are an absolutely amazing (in terms of the virtues i've mentioned before) submissive boy/girl (of any age, sexual preference, race, height, weight, etc.) and you feel that you are not getting the consideration that someone of your worth deserves, then please feel free to contact me. my Miss and i are very much looking for longtime, live-in slaves that can fit snuggly within O/our household (but only one new person at time). W/we are open to submissives/slaves of all genders, including honestly transgendered individuals, of all ages (youthful, yet mature and sincere, to much older individuals who can stay with U/us forever), of all races, sexual persuasions (W/we can force what W/we wish on you in the end, after all), etc. All it takes is for someone who is really a submissive/slave to approach U/us and to meet O/our basic requirements (excessively detailed in O/our profiles), and things would probably move on from there to something quite serious. There should be no reason for a fully developed and self-aware and honest individual to not find a place where they belong.
Just an opinion (and a slight advertisement) :P Good luck, and thank Y/you all for Y/your wonderful thoughts...they cause thoughts to happen in me ^^
-lily
Lily,
What an awesome first post.
I agree completely with your statements.
Welcome to the boards. I look forward to reading more of your thoughts. M



AAkasha -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/14/2005 1:49:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilyophelia


Now, when i'm looking through profiles for someone of substance to approach (and i spend more then enough time doing it, believe me), it really takes a lot of effort and sincerity to justify my contact. i waste enough of my time with absolutely worthless people (who clog up and frustrate the site and are dishonest and all of those other bad things); and those are just the ones who contact me. i don't have enough hours in the day to go looking for trouble...i get so many (mostly insincere) messages as it is...if you hardly get any messages yourself (as a male submissive), then you should have an abundance of time to search for Someone who is right for you; i would encourage you to do some serious soul-seeking first, though, and to know exactly who you are before you bug an over-bugged Lady. Take the time to make the journey to that place where you are ready to commit to something serious, express yourself with a deep sincerity and honesty, and i promise that you will go much, much farther with much less effort.


-lily


Great post, and I snipped one part in particular. People often compare submissive's sending intro emails to applying for a job -- that they should take the same care and consideration in how they prepare it and how much information (and how much RELEVANT information vs. fluff) to send -- how to be brief and compelling.

But, I think it's even more extreme than that. It's like media pitching -- in public relations, the process of calling a magazine or newspaper editor (or tv, or whatever) and sharing your "story" idea (for a client). Editors receive hundreds of these inquiries in a day sometimes, and 75% or more of them are not even a fit. Meaning the person pitching on the call (usually a low totem pole newbie at PR) has a completely inappropriate story they are trying to get in the publication. This infuriates editors. In addition, they get countless press releases that are not appropriate, they get poorly written press releases they can't use, etc.

So when you approach an editor, you're approaching someone who has been bombardeded with irrelevant crap all from people vying for the same "shot" -- to get in their magazine or newspaper. And the editor is so annoyed already (from what OTHER people did) that on a phone call you have less than 10 seconds to make your pitch. You are automatically -- AUTOMATICALLY -- assumed to be an idiot when you are calling from a PR firm on behalf of a client -- you immediately lose several notches of credibility right out of the gate and with the remaining 7 seconds you have to redeem yourself.

I had to do this in my early marketing career, and it's a really shitty task. Calling someone you know is overwhelmed and dosen't want to hear from you -- even if you KNOW your story is good. That's the key. I wouldn't pitch an editor unless I was 100% sure my pitch was right for the publication, and my story was compelling, and that when we hung up we'd be moving to the next level. I never wanted to get caught with my pants down, with an editor snarling "Have you even read the magazine?" (this could be "Have you even read my profile??").

If you know your target, know you have a fit, have done your research, and go into it knowing you have one shot at making the right impression, you don't just pick up the phone and dial without thinking it through and knowing what you are doing. Not only will you get the story, you make the editor's day.

How does this translate to people sending emails here? Just like pitching an editor by email or fax, you have 1 paragraph to get their attention, and a few follow ups to close the deal. Just make sure you are the right FIT, and understand this person has been bothered so much in the past that they sadly automatically assume you're contacting them without doing your homework.

Oh, and the other sure fire way to not only NOT get the story printed but have the editor write you off for future opportunities is if your pitch is obviously canned and you are going down a list with the names of 50 other editors and just hoping one says yes. You pick ONE, and you do it right. If that one doesn't work out, you move on, but change your pitch each time to clearly appeal to your audience. There is no such thing as a form letter -- unless you want to line their garbage can.

Akasha



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/14/2005 1:49:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn
No, it was mainly because I kept putting other things in front of me. At first, it was school, then writing and then whatever else I could come up with. I tend to feel that women get too many cold calls from guys on the boards, so I avoided contacting anyone, just using the message boards instead. I figured it someone was interested in me, something would probably develop through that process. Sure, it meant losing tons of chances, but I sort of understood that, even if I probably REALLY didn't understand that.
I always wonder how one goes that long without noticing you haven't had a great date, and all the fun things that come with it. While I feel perfectly happy with life and being single, I think at some point (before 4years passed) I would miss a good roll in the hay in a bad way (and the spiritual connection which usually comes with it)...

They always say it's about priorities, and if all of those things were/are more compelling to you and your life than cultivating a loving relationship with a lady, I suppose it's reaping what you sow, and I hope you're happy with those choices.
Have you read the courtship thread? It might be a good resource should you decide it might be more fun to hug/sleep with a babe than books some days. M



TiNeedsHouseboy -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/14/2005 2:06:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn
Reading through the rest of the profile, I got the impression that you were seeking something far beyond me, so I didn't want to waste your time any further.

PLEASE!!!!! Wake up and smell the coffee! I did NOT contact you because I had even a remote interest in having you as my houseboy. I contacted you regarding:
  • A question on your decision to place a submissive website, including your legal name, smack in the middle of cyberspace, to be found by anyone who knows the meaning of Google, when you're living in a conservative community. I wanted to point out that its text remains accessible due to Google's cache.
  • A question about your book agent only leading you to what you deemed "crappy publishers," and wondering why you haven't attempted self-publishing.

Your reaction answers the question you've dodged: Dominant women are useless to you unless they're interested in your submission.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn
There's way too much hostility here as it is.

That's true. There is a great deal of hostility.

You have no greater example than two buffoons on a parallel thread, whose idea of entertainment would be to gang rape me because they feel intimidated by vocabulary in an exchange with an astrophysicist. That doesn't even begin to address the clueless desperados -- who I never heard of/from previously; upon reading my profile, they fire off e-mails to curse me out for posting it. It breeds wrath, apparently, that I'm seeking a houseboy whose education mirrors mine.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn
From Akasha I expect it because in a decade, she has yet to say a friendly thing to me anyway.

A decade, eh? That's a really long time to interact without noticing a single piece of positive feedback. Under the circumstances, here's what I'm left wondering: If Akasha is so consistently abrasive, wouldn't you have hit that little red hand icon -- with the "block" command -- years ago?

Is it that Akasha has yet to say anything friendly?... or is she pointing out dynamics that are too painful for you to own up to when dragged into the light of day?

Generally, her posts lean toward "spot on" from what I've read. Accordingly, I can't imagine that she has a perceptual/behavioral blind spot that's limited to you alone.

~ Ti ~



AAkasha -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/14/2005 2:27:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn

quote:

ORIGINAL: TiNeedsHouseboy

Let's talk turkey, shall we?

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn
I've never really been good with small talk, and that's what the back and forth of email tends to be like for me. I really suck at small talk situations. I understand this is probably automatically unattractive to a number of women, but I have to be honest because just talking around it doesn't seem to make it any better.

After reading some of your Message Board posts, plus looking through your blog (plus some of your now defunct web text, cached by Google), I sent you an e-mail. Though written with a light tone, and never expressing an interest in having you as my long-term or temp houseboy, it was far from chit-chat. You opted to respond with deadly silence. That places a whole new light on your above statement -- at least from where I'm sitting.


The email you sent came to me while I was in the process of transitioning from one part of my life to another (from student to an occupation, from moving from one place to another across the state). I read through your profile and realized I met a whole bunch of flags in your required provisos, such as I'm not old enough (you advertise for only 42-52), I don't live in Chicago and am most likely not going to be relocating there any time soon, and then the "you may only enter Ti-land if you can take my breath away." Reading through the rest of the profile, I got the impression that you were seeking something far beyond me, so I didn't want to waste your time any further.

As for the rest of your post, I'm not going to bother with it because honestly if someone wants to criticize you, then it's not worth trying to continue a conversation. There's way too much hostility here as it is. From Akasha I expect it because in a decade, she has yet to say a friendly thing to me anyway. It seems to be something about these boards. Miss saying something that everyone wants to hear and then a collection of people feel the need to make sure you come off as negative as physically possible. There seems to be a lot of talking to the choir activity here that can be quite deadly if you don't toe the perceived company line or you come at odds with one of the more popular names here.


The things I have said to you have not been unfriendly. You have complained for nearly a decade about your inability to connect with anyone, and whenever I point out a few things that might be causing these roadblocks, you get defensive and make excuses. Yet, you are still single, and still complaining.

If those posts I just grabbed by searching "given up" and your nick are poor examples, I think any search of your name here, or any of the other places you post, will show a track record of the same type of posts just worded differently. The common theme -- the same Eeyore type, "oh well, I guess I am single, oh well." attitude. As for self deprecating humor, no, it does not come across as "funny" on the net usually, and maybe if it was just now and then it would be, but it's consistent enough that if it doesn't show up, I assume something must be wrong. In your other post you justified this by saying I must be surrounded by negative people and how you are wildly funny and the life of the party in real life, and some reference to someone not "getting" you because they weren't smart enough. That's just the kind of ego thing I'm talking about.

Your posts are either depressing and self deprecating, or really egotistical. That pendulum sway is a big one so it stands out. Either your talking about how you were a sub to a famous femdom, or how you meet women "turn them into femdoms" then they go pro and make money, or how you have finished whatever degree you are on or publishing a book (self congratulatory posts in an open forum -- regularly -- it's just kinda cheesy, isn't it? Does everyone post when they accomplish something?), or how you are smarter than other people. You are either so successful and that makes you unobtainable in your own eyes, or you are totally down on yourself and resigned to a life of single boredom with your books. Get off your butt and do something about it, and stop complaining about it.

I suggested you move, I suggested you be more proactive, I suggested now that you maybe stop being so much of a downer in so many of your posts and perhaps take a look at why you feel you have to do it. Now suddenly I'm a bad guy.

I haven't been thinking up ways to post in response to you just to bother you. Really, it's because I am tired of hearing about it for 10 years and see such glaring things that make me think other women have to be tiring of it also. Maybe, just maybe, women aren't lining up for dates. If you don't want my advice, don't take it. But by posting "woe is me" here, be expected that you'll get some "tips" on perhaps ways to change your approach.

Saying you are out of luck because you got a lucrative job offer and choose to stay in a virtual no-man-s-land of BDSM is another example of your own poor choices putting you in your situation. Life is full of risks. If you want to take a lucrative job and be lonely, that is your choice. If you spent all this time getting degrees and writing books, surely you can find a similar job somewhere better, and maybe take a pay cut. What's more important, having lots of money or finding a soul mate? Even if you have to live below the poverty line to give it a try, wouldn't it be better to know you gave it all you had?

Akasha



TiNeedsHouseboy -> RE: Finding A Mistress (8/14/2005 2:27:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: neosub11
While I had heard about the existence of such an organization at Columbia, this merely confirms it. I don't happen to be a Columbia University student but I think I will get in touch with them anyway. Thanks for the heads up!

You're welcome. Their membership info page says that anyone can attend their meetings. You can't be a card-carrying member, however, unless you're one of their students. Since your interest is in the meetings/networking, and you can get in, the membership issue seems moot to me.

Crossing my fingers for you!

~ Ti ~



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