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assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 9:36:42 AM   
ghitaPVH


Posts: 1363
Joined: 11/14/2007
Status: offline 		Is it possible to be assertive while still being submissive. What are your thoughts?

ghita~

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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 9:39:22 AM   
mistoferin


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Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Absolutely! I am a very assertive person.

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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 9:40:13 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Of course. I am assertive in all areas of my life, business, friendship, family, just trying to make things happen. In a submissive sense, I am assertive in getting my needs and my partner's needs met. Does that any sense?

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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 9:48:02 AM   
susie


Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Absolutely! I am a very assertive person.


Yep me too. I would not survive in the business world if I were not. The only person I am submissive to is himself.

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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 9:48:03 AM   
gorgeous1


Posts: 367
Joined: 11/14/2007
Status: offline 		Hell yeah I am assertive! I am nobody's doormat. I won't let anyone bully me or force me to do anything. I've had to learn how to step back sometimes and let others lead or have an opinion different from mine. I've had to learn the difference between pride and self-respect. I've had to learn how to admit when I am wrong.

I am only submissive in two aspects: 1. sexually, and 2. in my marriage. The latter has been a difficult journey.

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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 9:49:10 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ghitaPVH

Is it possible to be assertive while still being submissive. What are your thoughts?

ghita~


Yes.
 
the.dark.

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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 9:54:24 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ghitaPVH

Is it possible to be assertive while still being submissive. What are your thoughts?

ghita~

Yes...absolutely


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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 9:55:13 AM   
ghitaPVH


Posts: 1363
Joined: 11/14/2007
Status: offline 		hmmmm....while I definantly thank you all for your answers...I think maybe I should expand my question.

I am specifically asking about being assertive towards your Top (Dom, Sir, Domme, Mistress, Master, Daddy, whatever)..while still being submissive. This is an ongoing conversation I have been having offline with some friends and I would like some extra input. I purposefully tried to stay vauge in my first post because I didnt want to direct answers too much, but I guess I didnt direct them enough...lol. Assertiveness within your relationship...thats the topic Id like your thoughts on. Are you? How are you? If you are a top is your submissive? How? Do you find assertiveness a good quality or one you want to repress in some way? Thanks.

ghita~

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Don't expect anything of me and I promise I'll never disappoint you.

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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 9:56:05 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ghitaPVH

Is it possible to be assertive while still being submissive. What are your thoughts?

ghita~


Completely.

In fact, I demand that my slave learn to be more assertive in his life with his job, his parents, and his friends. To a degree he can also be assertive with me if I've asked him to help me with something. However with us, what I decide is the decision and he needs to respect my authority and let it go once I've made that decision something he may push with others.

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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 9:58:17 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I could not separate being assertive from any part of my personality, even while being sexually submissive. I am assertive in my submissivenesss. How does that manifest itself? I participate in my own submissiveness. I say what I want, when I want, to whom I want, and ask for what I want.

I don't always get it, but that is life.

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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 9:59:09 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		ghita
 
I would need to know how you define the word 'assertive' first - also the whole context.  I wouldn't be assetive in an unknown situation, but if I had more knowledge on a subject than Darcy, I know for a fact he would want my input.  There is a line between assertive and bossy.
 
the.dark.

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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 10:02:44 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Don't you have to be assertive to get things done?  It doesn't matter if my partner is dominant or not, for things to happen as they need to be, someone has to make it happen.  If the dominant is calling the shots, he is directing you to make it happen.  But you are the one that gets it done.  Very little in life is done without effort.  I enjoy making things work.  I don't find it "unsubmissive" to be successful at what I do since the end result is that people are happier for my being assertive.
Kyst

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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 10:05:54 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ghitaPVH
Assertiveness within your relationship...thats the topic Id like your thoughts on. Are you? How are you? If you are a top is your submissive? How? Do you find assertiveness a good quality or one you want to repress in some way?


I think being assertive is a good quality.  Assertive tends to have a certain connotation to the word that leads to the conclusion that a person submitting cannot be assertive.  However, I think that being assertive is not to be dominant or to attempt to impose your will on someone else.  To be assertive is to be bold and confident in manner. 

I can boldly and confidently submit to him.  I can boldly and confidently state what my desires, thoughts, opinions and feelings are to him.  This does not mean that I am trying to impose my will on him or dominate him.  He hates it when people beat around the bush about things; he loves directness.  He admires strength and confidence and he also expects obedience.  I am successful at managing both.

Knight's Kyra

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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 10:08:07 AM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		Fast reply:
 
Standard disclaimers of the IMO/YMMV variety apply.
 
As a dominant, I absolutely require assertiveness in my s-type.  I don't want a doormat.  I want a sub who is able to hold an intelligent conversation with me and who is able to articulate her desires and needs.  She must be able to think ahead and take whatever steps are necessary to complete a task I've set for her or to anticipate my desires.  I also want her to have her own interests and goals and be assertive enough to pursue them.
 
However, there's a difference between assertiveness and brattiness.  I won't tolerate brats.  Of course, what is assertiveness to me, might look bratty to someone else.  It's such an individual thing that it's difficult to generalize.  I suppose it boils down to respect.  If the s-type is respectful, she can say almost anything. 

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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 10:08:58 AM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		In the case of being assertive to your dominant, or which ever situation yours is, I don't really have an answer.

Course I do not worry about sounding submissive or not, I charge about willy nilly, say what Iwill be what I will. Now I try not to step on his toes about things I know are quarenteed no no's, but I am allowed to be that way by Daddy.

There's one instance where his car died 2 days before our trip to SM oddesey, and I arranged a rental car booked the reservation and had it all set up, I told him Daddy it's ok we can get a rental car he said look into it.

In that case I felt I Was assertive but still submissive if you will. I was helping him find a solution to a problem, he welcomes my input if I can help with the prob

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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 10:09:54 AM   
ghitaPVH


Posts: 1363
Joined: 11/14/2007
Status: offline 		I am not sure how much information I can give you, mainly because this is part of a question that was asked to me in another venue and I was having trouble answering it myself! lol...so I cant really press anyone here to do any better than I did!

To me, assertive is not only speaking up and expressing ones own thoughts, desires, opinions, but actively pursuing those desires.

I know that in my relationship I am expected to say what is in my head at all times, tell my Sir what I want, what I would like to do, and what I would like him to do, the challange for me sometimes is to always do that in a respectful manner, since whats in my head isnt always nice and polite! lol....he expects me to come to him and vent my anger and frustration at bad things that happen during the day, as well as speak my mind when all I really want him to do is forget about going to work and stay in bed and fuck me for another hour. I just have to understnad that once its out of my head and my mouth, its no longer mine to decide upon. He thinks on my words, then makes the decision. Sometimes he makes the decision I wanted him to make...sometimes he doesnt. But its still his decision to make. But I dont see that as being compleatly assertive....to me being completly assertive would be for me to be walking through a mall and see a pair of shoes I want and go buy them with no thought of asking him first. Or to grab him the instant he walks in the door and through myself into his arms and start ripping his clothes off...thats assertive to me...activley expressing and persuing ones own desires...maybe the reason Im having trouble finishing the conversation with the person who asked me the question is we have different definitions of assertive...I never thought to ask them to define the word...so thank you the.dark.

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Don't expect anything of me and I promise I'll never disappoint you.

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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 10:19:42 AM   
gorgeous1


Posts: 367
Joined: 11/14/2007
Status: offline 		Oh, OK, I can expand on this...sexually? Absolutely NOT. I am not assertive, unless I have to let him know something hurts in a bad way, or something is perhaps turning into a hard limit. I am totally compliant and ready to go with whatever takes his fancy.

Since he also happens to be my husband and we have UMs, I am assertive in the sense that I have a job to do. I have to keep my family and household and all our events/activities running like clockwork. I am a control freak and a germophobe, and I like to have certain chores done at a specific time. Since I do about 90% of the yard work and handyman repairs around the house, he has agreed to do some of the house work. I am assertive in the sense that I remind him to do the chores (he's a guy, he'll let it slide if I don't remind him) and I get on him if he leaves crap lying around the house. I'm a housewife/mom, not a maid! I am assertive for sure if I disagree on something regarding the rearing of our children. They're MY kids too, and I owe it to them to stand up for what I believe is right...

NOW, this is how it works for us though, because I said I am submissive in my marriage...I NEVER contradict him in front of the children, and he doesn't do it to me either- united we stand, divided we fall, we have to look as if we are unshakable in front of the kids. If he doles out a punishment and I disagree, we discuss it behind closed doors, and if he agrees to change the punishment, he goes and discusses it with our kids. I tell my kids that Daddy is the Captain of the ship, and I'm his first mate, so they understand that we all have a rank in the family. My husband ALWAYS has the final say in major decisions for our family. This has been the most difficult part for me to grapple as a naturally assertive person, but what has allowed me to endure it is that since he makes the final decision, he has to take OWNERSHIP of the decision, and if it's wrong, he is the one who is held accountable. A perfect example of this is a few years back, he wanted to take more deductions out of our taxes. I told him it was a bad, bad idea, we'd end up owing too much money. We went back and forth on it, and finally, he put his foot down and said he was the husband and it was his call. I said fine, and submitted to his will. sure enough, come tax time, I was right. He's such a great guy that he admitted he was wrong, and we should have done it my way. I accepted his admission with grace, and didn't nag or lecture him. He goes out and earns the money for us, so he had to hustle to make it work.

He is WORTHY of my submission; therefore I submit.

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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 10:19:54 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ghitaPVH

hmmmm....while I definantly thank you all for your answers...I think maybe I should expand my question.

I am specifically asking about being assertive towards your Top (Dom, Sir, Domme, Mistress, Master, Daddy, whatever)..while still being submissive. This is an ongoing conversation I have been having offline with some friends and I would like some extra input. I purposefully tried to stay vauge in my first post because I didnt want to direct answers too much, but I guess I didnt direct them enough...lol. Assertiveness within your relationship...thats the topic Id like your thoughts on. Are you? How are you? If you are a top is your submissive? How? Do you find assertiveness a good quality or one you want to repress in some way? Thanks.

ghita~


No, I'm not. I don't really need to be assertive within my relationship. It's a bit redundant simply because I'm heard and understood. Nothing in the relationship demands it of me.

agirl

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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 10:21:50 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Absolutely being assertive does not mean being dominant or topping from the bottom.  Buying shoes?  If he doesn't limit what you can buy or have a rule about that I'm not sure how that would be assertive or not.  Initiating sex is not something that many Dom/mes would see as a bad thing, others want to control all aspects of play/sex.  How does he feel about it?

I guess the question I had that might be somewhere along the lines of what you are saying is if in play or a scene he is doing something that you believe might be a bit off of the result he is intending.  Do you tell him if he did it a bit differently it would have a different result for you or do you assume he knows what he's doing and say nothing?  I don't know the answer to that.  I would guess people would be different in that area.  Is it assertive to beg for mercy or for a paticular act during scening/sex?  Because I do that, lol, not as much wanting to top from the bottom, but more out of my freaking mind type of thing.  He oftens laughs and says no and understands I have no intent to be controlling and enjoys hearing me scream/whine/beg.

I hope that helps.  I think assertive within our relationships is most likely open to interpretation and up to the two people in the relationship.

On an off-topic do you have a new profile ghita? 

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 11/21/2007 10:30:46 AM >

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RE: assertive vs submissive - 11/21/2007 10:27:48 AM   
youngsubgeoff


Posts: 900
Joined: 9/25/2007
From: The Asylum
Status: offline 		I am only submissive to my domme(who, unfortunately right now, is non-existant). In the world at large, I am very much assertive, and sometimes, when neccesary, I can be downright agressive, though its rarely, if ever, neccesary.

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