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RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/24/2007 7:06:48 AM

RRafe

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The very idea that a girl is willing to shrug off a commitment of the moment would put me off.

I'm afraid I would not be able to see enough in her to have any respect-but I would feel some sympathy for the guy that she was using.

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Post #: 21

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/24/2007 7:17:52 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
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From: Tampa, FL
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i would be totally up front with my Dominant and have actually had this conversation in the past. "Sir, i really love serving You and want to continue to serve You but i know in my heart that ours is not a life-long thing. i want You to know i will be speaking with others and that i may find another. Is it okay with You if we remain devoted play partners?"

This allows the other person to have all the information necessary to make a good decision. If then i were non-exclusive i don't think i would change my profile to indicate i am taken but still looking.... doesn't feel right to me.

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Post #: 22

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/24/2007 8:18:47 AM

Vanatru

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I certainly wouldn't want to be someone's sloppy second. Considering how intense D/s and especially M/s relationships can be, what guy would have the time or interest to fool around with someone else's sub? And why would you want to be friends with that kinda guy?

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 23

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/24/2007 8:57:30 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
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before finding my SO/Dom, i was turned down by many other dominants because Daddy owned me. i've met a few who were jealous (despite stating they're not) of my relationship with Him even after explaining we're solely Daddydaughter nonsexually and nothing else. a couple of "doms" demanded that i choose either Daddy or them if i wanted to be with them. i'm NOT giving up my Daddy under no circumstances and/or threats. it took me awhile but i have made friends with a few dominants here that completely understand my relationship with Him.

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(in reply to grlneedstolearn)

Post #: 24

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/24/2007 10:46:58 AM

SimplyMichael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Vanatru

I certainly wouldn't want to be someone's sloppy second. Considering how intense D/s and especially M/s relationships can be, what guy would have the time or interest to fool around with someone else's sub? And why would you want to be friends with that kinda guy?

If YOU don't want "sloppy seconds" that is certainly up to you but don't condemn those who do, that reeks of "one true wayism"

A dear friend of mine has a semi-open relationship with a wife he loves and both are very happy in the relationship. She is into bdsm and he isn't, he allows her to take on partners on the side. Those partners understand the dynamic and find it works for them. Who are you to judge them?

Another example is someone who wants a very strict controlling dominant and who wants a daddy, hard to find someone who can do both and in some ways doing both negates the other. So someone might find a partner who is strict and controlling who for whatever reason is happy only doing it part time, or perhaps is doing it till he/she can find a full time partner.

The point being that what works for you might suck for someone else and vise versa. Don't be so quick to judge others. Besides there are plenty of fucked up monogoumous relationships where one or both parties are idiots, where the relationship is shallow, and or people are M/s in name only.

(in reply to Vanatru)

Post #: 25

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/24/2007 9:23:00 PM

Sirsinini

Posts: 172
Joined: 11/13/2007
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A few years back there were several subs active on the boards that were owned by 2 doms at the same time. I found it an interesting twist.

No one raises an eye brow when a dominant owns several subs, but what about a sub who might want to be owned by another dom at the same time?

Maybe this is what the OP might want, desire.
It would be much like having a husband and a dom at the same time.

But who can really know what the OP is trying to communicate, except herself.

Sir's devoted property

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 26

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/25/2007 2:25:00 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Vanatru

I certainly wouldn't want to be someone's sloppy second. Considering how intense D/s and especially M/s relationships can be, what guy would have the time or interest to fool around with someone else's sub? And why would you want to be friends with that kinda guy?

possibly for the same reason a woman finds the time and interest to fool around with another sub's Master and why so many Dominants wanted me to be friends, 'sister-slave', playmate or pet. When a submissive doesn't care to be someone's sloppy second she is accused of being insecure and not a "real" submissive. i honestly believe that one slave for two or more Masters can work out just as well as one Master with many slaves. It just depends upon the level of trust, honesty, and to which each feels fulfilled. Poly works or doesn't depending only upon whether relationship goals are shared by all involved.

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No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to Vanatru)

Post #: 27

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/25/2007 6:22:50 AM

Vanatru

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well, SimplyMichael, I guess I don't see D/s and M/s as an extension of the Free Sex era from the 60s. Now, if you're talking BDSM play, I guess the definitions get a bit looser there, but if you're a dom and not simply a top, would you really be okay with the other guy saying, "sorry, I know you were supposed to have her for the weekend, but I'm taking her with me on a trip. She'll see you in 3 weeks." Cause to me, then it's clear you AREN'T her dom. *evil grin*

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 28

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/25/2007 6:28:06 AM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Vanatru

well, SimplyMichael, I guess I don't see D/s and M/s as an extension of the Free Sex era from the 60s. Now, if you're talking BDSM play, I guess the definitions get a bit looser there, but if you're a dom and not simply a top, would you really be okay with the other guy saying, "sorry, I know you were supposed to have her for the weekend, but I'm taking her with me on a trip. She'll see you in 3 weeks." Cause to me, then it's clear you AREN'T her dom. *evil grin*

Nodding........I'd see it differently if the girl just used "top" instead of "dominant".

One implies play to me-the other implies that the guy actually has some sort of control over the woman.

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(in reply to Vanatru)

Post #: 29

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/25/2007 6:48:29 AM

HisSongstress

Posts: 103
Joined: 3/2/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Vanatru

well, SimplyMichael, I guess I don't see D/s and M/s as an extension of the Free Sex era from the 60s. Now, if you're talking BDSM play, I guess the definitions get a bit looser there, but if you're a dom and not simply a top, would you really be okay with the other guy saying, "sorry, I know you were supposed to have her for the weekend, but I'm taking her with me on a trip. She'll see you in 3 weeks." Cause to me, then it's clear you AREN'T her dom. *evil grin*

This a rather closed minded view of the possibilites offered by poly D/s relationships. Yes, the challenges can be great for a submissive owned by multiple Dominants.... Dominant-centered poly relationships (and non-bdsm poly relationships) require communuication; submissive-centered poly relationships are no different, except that there is much more responsbility on the submissive to keep track of things and facilitate (either direct or indirect) communication among the Dominants so that things run smoothly. Pissing matches are not conducive to healthy relationships.

I am very much like a time-share; specifically owned for certain times and certain intereactions. I have recently entered the third relationship, which I suspect will be my primary relationship.

Honesty goes a along way.... Being honest with one's self about real needs and motivations. .... Being honest with others about one's feelings.

In my interactions, I was very clear that I was involved in two secondary poly D/s loving, intimate relationships..... and that those Dominants were fully aware and encouraging in my openness for a primary relationship. Any suitor that was not comfortable in this kind of relationship, bowed out.

I find that being honest and forthcoming provides others with enough information for them to make their own decision.

best!

song

_____________________________

"More, please." ....Oliver Twist

Before discovering bdsm, my motto was "Like me or bite me." But here, everyone seems to think that is an invitation.

(in reply to Vanatru)

Post #: 30

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/25/2007 7:04:22 AM

MidMichCowboy

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Joined: 3/23/2007
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Its not about just the semantics, its about the honesty. If he is just a temporary master or someone you are learning from, that should be made clear to both him and those who read your profile.

I don't mind that someone is in an open relationship, but it should be an honest one.

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(in reply to HisSongstress)

Post #: 31

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/25/2007 8:33:38 AM

Vanatru

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HisSongtress,

Since you are so open-minded, what do you think of this scenario:
You belong to the household and not a sub to a particular dom. Whoever happens to be at home at the time, and have some interest, might (or might not) use you for whatever mundane or other purpose they are interested in. Since you don't belong to them specifically, they probably all have their own sub(s) that they focus most of their attention on, or are more likely to use you while they are between subs.

< Message edited by Vanatru -- 11/25/2007 9:18:15 AM >

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)

Post #: 32

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/25/2007 9:04:40 AM

Guilty1974

Posts: 467
Joined: 11/2/2005
From: Den Haag
Status: offline

No, I don't ignore "taken" profiles. I'm not on collarme to seek play partners, I mainly enjoy the forums. Most of the profiles I see are people from here who have written something that I find interesting. Or who have a catchy avatar

(in reply to grlneedstolearn)

Post #: 33

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/25/2007 9:37:31 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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I think that a many would not consider developing a friendly relationship with someone who is already taken. Considering how many subs are out there in the world still seeking what would be the point?
From my POV though, I would see something else. I would RUN far away from someone who was in my opinion waiting for the next in line. I have met way too many women who have to have that second guy in tow before they leave the first guy.
It isn't a matter of sloppy seconds as someone else has suggested. It is recognizing that some people have that trait of constant looking to see what might be better around the corner.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: grlneedstolearn

i am with a Dom and only looking for friends, it seems to be a huge stop sign for a lot of people. i do get people looking at my profile frequently, and after i've looked at theirs, etc. it just seems that some, not all, Doms are afraid of getting involved even as friends with someone who is already taken. And i would like to settle down with someone my own age, of which my Dom is not and right now i have no problem with him being my Dom, actually i really love it. So my question is this: When looking at profiles, do you immediantly ignore the ones where the first line is that she is taken? Just a little confused, and i know that patience is a virtue on here and many other sites, but i would just like some insight on what you look for in a profile and whether or not there are key words that will turn you away from reading the rest of the profile?
Thank you

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(in reply to grlneedstolearn)

Post #: 34

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/25/2007 9:50:39 AM

Vanatru

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Joined: 4/16/2004
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Missokyst, exactly why I wouldn't be a sloppy second, cause as soon as I'm not looking, she's looking for the next patch of greener grass.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 35

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/25/2007 10:00:55 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vanatru

HisSongtress,

Since you are so open-minded, what do you think of this scenario:
You belong to the household and not a sub to a particular dom. Whoever happens to be at home at the time, and have some interest, might (or might not) use you for whatever mundane or other purpose they are interested in. Since you don't belong to them specifically, they probably all have their own sub(s) that they focus most of their attention on, or are more likely to use you while they are between subs.

While this isn't addressed to me..

What is wrong with that situation? I would assume that house rules are in place for what the people in the house can and can not do in regards to their using of the sub. It wouldn't be for me, but I can definately see that situation having a great deal of appeal for others. Seems pretty similar to the situations where a slave or submissive is ordered to obey all men/women or anyone who is free.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 11/25/2007 10:01:31 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

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Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Vanatru)

Post #: 36

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/25/2007 2:13:24 PM

HisSongstress

Posts: 103
Joined: 3/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vanatru

HisSongtress,

Since you are so open-minded, what do you think of this scenario:
You belong to the household and not a sub to a particular dom. Whoever happens to be at home at the time, and have some interest, might (or might not) use you for whatever mundane or other purpose they are interested in. Since you don't belong to them specifically, they probably all have their own sub(s) that they focus most of their attention on, or are more likely to use you while they are between subs.

Vanatru,

That is a possible scenerio.... I am not sure that I would consider being "dommed" by a " household" (okay, that was just a little joke). Kidding aside, if that was my negotiated relationship within the house and I not responsible to one person directly--but to all, then yes, that would be my role. If there was a need, then I would serve as needed. If that meant that I was not a primary sub to anyone....then, that was what I signed on for. (I really am not interested in the "family" setting at this point in my development. Many people fail to acknowledge that the "family" or "household" setting is only ONE form of poly arrangement.)

Additionally, you make it sound as if that role (the "in-between sub") is something "less than." Just because an EMT is only "used" during emergencies when the "real doctor" isn't available....doesn't make the role of the EMT any less valuable.

I have learned that I do come into people's lives for short periods (and I am not talking about sex here) to serve them as they transition from one place to another. I am honored to have that role in their lives. I have learned a great deal as both the "in-between sub" and as a secondary in poly relationships. I learned what my needs are, what my skills are, how I can be instrumental in the lives of others. This does not demean in me anyway..... it only prepares me and makes me more valuable for the next situation. Those that I am secondary in poly relationships are proud of my service to others and of my growth; it makes me more valuable to them. To the Dominant that has taken me in what I suspect is to be my primary relationship, I am a precious property with many skills and talents to be discovered, used, and appreciated. (And, again..... this is NOT about sex...but that is whole other thread.)

Thank you AquaticSub for showing another reason that this scenerio is not a "bad thing" but just a different thing. (By the way.... I miss seeing you.... :-) )

best!

song

_____________________________

"More, please." ....Oliver Twist

Before discovering bdsm, my motto was "Like me or bite me." But here, everyone seems to think that is an invitation.

(in reply to Vanatru)

Post #: 37

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/25/2007 3:15:39 PM

wisteriaV

Posts: 438
Joined: 3/17/2005
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Vanatru never said it was bad, he said it wasn't for him as he doesn't like sloppy seconds..thats HIS preferance.

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(in reply to HisSongstress)

Post #: 38

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/25/2007 3:20:36 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: grlneedstolearn
So my question is this: When looking at profiles, do you immediantly ignore the ones where the first line is that she is taken?

Yes, I do. My reasoning, if this sub is still looking although they are commited elsewhere now what is to stop them from doing the same to me later on? Its the same as my view on dating someone who is cheating on their S.O. to be with me if they did it to someone else to be with me, theres nothing saying they wont do it to me to be with someone else again. You are either looking, with your Masters permission, in which case saying you are taken isnt exactly true... or you are looking without your masters permission which is essentialy cheating.
And the vast majority of Doms on here arent interested in making friends, especially with taken girls.

Just my 2 cents
DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

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If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

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VampiresLair

(in reply to grlneedstolearn)

Post #: 39

RE: Turned off by having another Dom? - 11/25/2007 5:02:31 PM

grlneedstolearn

Posts: 728
Joined: 1/29/2007
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i have talked with my Dom and we both know and agree that we are not going to be life long partners. That he is teaching me and showing me the ropes, since using the word training seems to cause conflicts, until i can find another Dom that will be suitable and compactable with me, though not on all levels. The Dom friends that i have met on here have no interest in getting to me as soon as something goes wrong with my Dom. i have no clue how many Doms i continue talking with and going out on a vanilla date with still respect for my Dom. i am not insecure like a lot of you have mentioned, i can take care of myself, have a really nice living arrangement, and can basically support myself. So to me, from reading these responses, is that almost all, not everyone, is against finding friends of the opposite sex in the opposite role and basically hanging out with them in a vanilla setting, and quite comfortable in my current situation with my Dom. Hmmm, why do i keep writing posts that more or less elicit negative responses??? i do though thank all of you for your negative and positive responses. Not sarcastically though in anyway.

< Message edited by grlneedstolearn -- 11/25/2007 5:12:03 PM >

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 40

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