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RE: A lil introduction and some questions. - 11/27/2007 6:26:20 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteKnuckleRide

Thanks again for your replies. Through reading them, I am slowly beginning to understand what a sub/dom relationship is about and I now realise it's not an unhealthy partnership between egotists and people with social problems!!! :) ...

In fact, I was partway through reading one of the posts when I had an "Oh, my god," moment. I possibly have a sub/dom relationship with one of my friends and it's through talking with you lot that it dawned on me. She's always fussing, worrying that I'm comfortable enough or that my drink is cold enough. One day, we were slowly getting drunk and I jokingly said to her "I never want that glass empty." The first time I got up to refill, she said to me "No, no, that's my job." and did it for me. The next time, I did it myself and she flapped for a few minutes afterwards and then was constantly watching me to check the level of my glass. :) We take turns cooking and last time she cooked, it was a bit dry for my tastes so I added some water to the noodles we were having. She fretted for an hour afterwards, doubting her cooking abilities and generally flapping. Thinking about it, I can't do anything without her getting 'upset' that she hadn't done it, despite the fact that I don't mind doing it myself and, as I'm in her house, I want to do my bit. Sometimes, I have to wrap my arms around her just to stop her fretting too much. :)

So, am I right in thinking that's a sub/dom relationship or could be?


I'm going to take this post of yours and run with some examples, based on what you just wrote.

Now, you know how she fretted at seeing you pour your own drink?  She wanted to pour that drink for you in the worse way, did'nt she?  However, you wanted to pour yourself that drink.   Now, part of training is for a submissive to learn how to deal with said type of fretting behaviors.   Basically, how the hell do you control somebody who is trying to serve and please you all the time.   When in fact you may enjoy doing things for yourself?   Some Dom/Masters are comfortable with having a sub/slave serve them.   Some wish to still do things for themselves at times.   Now, the problem is dealing with a fretting submissive.  She has to learn that her Dom/Master will do things for himself at times to time, and this by no means diminishes her value.  That she is has not failed to please her Dom/Master.   She has to realize, her steping back and letting her Master serve himself is actually pleasing to her Master.   In order to do this, she has to think, feel and react differently about the situation.  Hence, she needs to be reconditioned (brainwashed) into thinking and feeling differently about the situation.   Keep in mind the sub/slave deep desire to serve and serve somebody well.   If they are not being used to serve somebody, it flusters and frustrates them and they question their own worth in being able to please another human being. 

No, basically you did something that totally drove your friend nutz!!   You said.. "I never want that glass empty"... and you ended up refilling it yourself.    You'll drive anybody with a subby service personality insane!  Basically you are communicating Mixed messages and become the source of confusion.   As a Dom you need to be clear and consistent.   Else you only end up confusing her to death and she will be doubting everything about her abilities to please.    Give her tasks that she can accomplish things that allow her to build her sense of worth and esteem.   Now, let's say she fails to Keep your glass full... if she discovers she has fallen down on the job, she will probally want to mentally beat herself up for failing to do her job!   Ok, you know how you said you had to wrap you arms around her just to stop her fretting too much...   How to best say this?  What if you took charge of her self punishment?   You know she's beating herself up over failing or not doing something right.  So, instead of seeing her stew and fuss for hours on end.   What to do!  Oh yeah, what if you are the one responsible to for dishing out punishment.   OK.. Bad Girl... you forgot to refill my drink.   Now turn around.. place your hand flat on the table.. stick your ass out a little.   Wack! right on the ass!  followed by a "Thank you master" or something similar that she says.   Your not out to cause great harm, just a couple of Smacks on the ass as her punishment.   Basically, she's not the one in charge of beating herself up and punishing herself over failures or short comings.   Her Dom/Master is!   How to say this... a couple of
wacks to the ass, will keep her from beating herself up endlessly for hours on end.   Punishment is said and done and over with.   Again, you are the one in charge of punishment... she is not.   Do you get the picture?   Hell, you could make her repeat 20 times out loud what she was supposed to do as her punishment instead of spanking her.   Punishment and the kind of punish differs from relationship to relationship.   Some BDSM relationship don't incorperate punishment and Discipline... others do and to different degrees. 

I hope this might make some more light bulbs go off...

OK, I need make a comment here for a moment.  There are those in the lifestyle that Nuture.. and those that do the complete opposite.   There are those that wish to be nurtured and those that want the exact opposite.   What I have been sharing with you is from the Nurturing School of thought.   

(in reply to WhiteKnuckleRide)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: A lil introduction and some questions. - 11/27/2007 7:05:37 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteKnuckleRide

Why do some people insist on dragging me over the coals on every wrong thing I utter? I came here to learn. I came here saying that I know sweet FA about your lifestyle, help me understand. I am ignorant about your lifestyle. I've never made any statement to the contrary. If I make a mistake, a simple correction is sufficient.



Don't take what some people reply to heart - try and remember that all you are getting is words on a screen and no inflection of voice or mannerisms will be seen or heard.  Ach - I lost count of the times when people think what I am saying is condecending, when all I am doing is being honest for me.  Many people see words as a personal attack - including yours - and visaversa - so it might assist you if you understand that.

quote:

I still feel that the sub/dom lifestyle and the BDSM lifestyle are 2 distinct entities,


Thats all cool.  There are people who practise BDSM who feel the same.  Some people seperate the two, some make them the same.  It's not written on some stone tablet (you'll be happy to hear).  Some people see BDSM as what you do - and that D/s and M/s as something you are.  Make any sense?  It really does depend how you view the acronym really.
 
the.dark.


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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Profile   Post #: 42
RE: A lil introduction and some questions. - 11/27/2007 7:23:14 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteKnuckleRide

Here's my revised comment:

I still feel that the sub/dom lifestyle and the BDSM lifestyle are 2 distinct entities,

In the same way that that I see the crotch rocket brigade (sports bikes) and the Harley boys as different entities.

Is that better? Does it really matter?


D/s relationships don't have to have any BDSM involved, you are correct.   When it comes to BDSM lifestyle relationships, the most common and talked about kinds are D/s relationships.   However, as you are aware there are switches, Dom couples, Hell even Switch Couples.   Now inregards to D/s relationships these can be taken to extremes.  Where Total Power is Exchanged.   Known a TPE (total power exchange) relationships.    Some people can have BDSM relationships without SadoMaso elements.   Actually take all the letters of what BDSM stands for, as long as you have at least one element of those letters you are into BDSM.    Can be as simple as being into Bondage and that alone.   Some people are into light bondage, and other people are into Extreme Bondage.    Some people might look at people who are only into Handcuffs as Kinky Vanilla's... however Bondage is Bondage.     The thing is this, some people are very involved in many aspects of the BDSM, that it becomes part of thier day to day lifestyle.   So you can be into BDSM without living the BDSM lifestyle itself.   Hope that makes sense to you?     Since D/s is a natural type of relationship that many people gravitate towards, this is focus upon the most.   Now there is some debate regarding what is the difference between a slave and a submissive that goes one.   I personally, focus upon and look at the Level of Power exchange to be the defining factor for this in my book.   However many (not all) D/s relationships as they evol and progress in time lead down the path towards a TPE relationship.    


(in reply to WhiteKnuckleRide)
Profile   Post #: 43
A lil introduction and some questions. - 11/27/2007 7:25:26 AM   
WhiteKnuckleRide


Posts: 35
Joined: 11/23/2007
Status: offline 		This is messed up!!!

I signed up hoping for some kinky sex and end up analysing my relationships with my friends!!!   :P

Running with the same theme:

In essence, Owner, you're saying that the best way to make "Chloe" happy (names have been changed, etc) is to set her a few rules on how to act/what to do when I'm around? That's scary. I don't particularly want to do that. I wouldn't feel happy knowing someone was running round after me. As with everything, I want to do my fair share.

On reflection, I probably *could* ask her to stand in the corner and she'd do it. Hmmm.

This is a bit of a headf*ck for me. Not necessarily a bad thing but certainly eye-opening.  :D

(Incidentally, your profile makes good reading and has put a few things into perspective for me.)




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sarchasm (sär'kz'm) 1. (n.) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: A lil introduction and some questions. - 11/27/2007 7:38:22 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteKnuckleRide

Running with the same theme:

In essence, Owner, you're saying that the best way to make "Chloe" happy (names have been changed, etc) is to set her a few rules on how to act/what to do when I'm around? That's scary. I don't particularly want to do that. I wouldn't feel happy knowing someone was running round after me. As with everything, I want to do my fair share.

On reflection, I probably *could* ask her to stand in the corner and she'd do it. Hmmm.

This is a bit of a headf*ck for me. Not necessarily a bad thing but certainly eye-opening.  :D

(Incidentally, your profile makes good reading and has put a few things into perspective for me.)



Maybe, try and view it like setting limits and boundaries in a clear way without contradictions - it's called good communication!
You do it with most of your relationships I bet - just that you don't see it.  I have friends who know not to call me when I watching 'Heroes'.  That's a limit - I won't answer the phone or the door.  It's heroes tonight and that's that.  They aren't pandering to me, but they are respecting me.  If they do call when it's on, they aren't going to get an answer and I know that they don't understand and aren't the kind of friend I would want.
A Ds relationship is similar - you can't force it - you can;t make someone do what you want - but you set your boundary and then you will get those that adhere and those that don't.  The fine line is the difference between respecting each other and taking advantage of someone.
 
the.dark.
 
(just an edit to add - if Darcy calls during heroes - I answer... no brainer...)

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 11/27/2007 7:40:14 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 45
RE: A lil introduction and some questions. - 11/27/2007 8:46:25 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteKnuckleRide

This is messed up!!!

I signed up hoping for some kinky sex and end up analysing my relationships with my friends!!!   :P

Running with the same theme:

In essence, Owner, you're saying that the best way to make "Chloe" happy (names have been changed, etc) is to set her a few rules on how to act/what to do when I'm around? That's scary. I don't particularly want to do that. I wouldn't feel happy knowing someone was running round after me. As with everything, I want to do my fair share.

On reflection, I probably *could* ask her to stand in the corner and she'd do it. Hmmm.

This is a bit of a headf*ck for me. Not necessarily a bad thing but certainly eye-opening.  :D

(Incidentally, your profile makes good reading and has put a few things into perspective for me.)



Well, you really don't have to set rules per se.   However, if she starts driving you nuts and she is fretting way too much.. you could jokingly say "go stand in a corner for a time out" or tell her she needs a time-out sitting in a chair.  Basically this forces her into a state of being still, quiet and calm.   After a few minutes, ask her is she's calmed down.. if she has, you can be a smart ass and make praising comment.. "Good Girl, now let's resume or get back to doing...blah blah blah) "  and Give her a great big Hug.     Sure you might make a joke about having her stand in a corner or sit in a chair.   She might seem like she's on the edge of doing it and uncertain... you can simply joking assert yourself a little more serious sounding.  LOL...   While she's sitting sit in the chair or standing in the corner.. if she starts to speak... you can joking remind her that she's not supposed to speak while in the middle of a Time-out.     Just as time-outs are useful tools with Kids, Adults can use them as well.  There are in fact a number of self help books that recommend people Take Timeouts when they realize they are getting out of control.   The only difference is that you are the one making the call for the Timeout.   You might try a timeout with her sitting in the chair, and if she is still not unwinding or the time out is not working you can jokingly threaten to Make it the Corner instead of the chair!  The Only condition you attach to her time-out is that she has to sit there until she's calmed down.   It will force her to think about things, because that's about all she can do.. next to breath.   Well, I think you get the idea.  

Now, if she's really Bad Girl and you have a clear BDSM relationship, you can always pull out the restraints and Ball Gag.. and force her to sit/stand still without saying anything because she's still being a Bad Girl...

There are BDSM things you can whip out on Vanilla's...without making it awhole BDSM production.  Timeouts is one of 'em.. but all in all... it's the same as Corner time or whatever else.

Anyways, if you don't feel happy with somebody running around hand and foot after you... then she is not making you happy with her actions.   Basically, it's like having somebody running on Auto Pilot trying to do things to please you.   Basically, you can take control of when the auto pilot is on/off.    For instance, I don't want my glass to be empty while I'm here tonight.  This is clear message that she has full liberty to full your drink without asking you.    Now, you can put your foot down, and tell her to ask if you want something before she does or does not do it.    This way she will double check if you would like her to do it or not.   However, you'll probally find this grating on your nerves like a Cheese Grater after awhile.   It's a sort of balancing and fine tuning thing between two people.  Training just makes this process so much easier.   You make it clear that you want to do things for yourself or be part of doing this and this.   Here's the Real Kicker.. many Dom/Masters have a problem at letting a sub/slave things for them at times.. because many Dom/Master enjoy the power they feel in doing things for themselves.  If this makes sense to you!   As Dom/Masters we have to learn to give up this control and place it in the sub/slaves hand.    We maintain control by controling the sub/slave.   Think of the sub/slave as an extension of yourself.  Then perhaps you will feel less awkward about it.   Also realize that you are bringing or giving the sub/slave the pleasure and opportunity to do... what they are burning for the most and that is to serve and please you at the moment.     So in some regards, you'd probally be making your friend feel better... if you let her do what she is going crazy trying to do for you....  You might have to learn to let go of doing for yourself and entrust her with it.   

Basically, when you got up and poured yourself your own drink..  It probally was the same as telling her you don't trust her enough to do it properly for you!  Another Glimpse into the submissive mindset for you there.

(in reply to WhiteKnuckleRide)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: A lil introduction and some questions. - 11/27/2007 9:49:45 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Hi Neil,

Briefly, seems you're getting tripped up on a couple of terms.

BDSM, literally (typically) means Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism.

As a general heading, it describes 'The Lifestyle' or sometimes 'WIITWD' 

It does branch off into two distinct concepts though; 'what we do' and 'who we are.'  The what we do part addresses fetish interests, bondage, shibari, dungeon activities, play parties, spanking, leather, latex, rubber, crops, whips, floggers, etc.  All of this stuff collectively is sometimes just called 'play.'  The who we are part refers to Dominance and submission, or authority transfer (also known as power exchange.)  Not everyone who enjoys dominance and submission enjoys play, and not all people who enjoy play incorporate D/s.  Many people enjoy both though, to some degree; personally I'm much heavier into D/s than I am into play. 

As for your friend, it sounds like she's a submissive.  It doesn't necessarily mean you're dominant; many submissive people actively seek to please others around them, whether they are actually being dominated or not.  The act of receiving submission is not the same as domination.  Many people take great pleasure in simply receiving the submission that their partner gives them.  Such a person is often called 'a' dominant, while not actually being a very dominant person themselves.  How happy do you suppose your friend would be, if you never let her do things for you?  Does she really need to be saved from the enjoyment she receives from making you happy?

Regards,

Stephan




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Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: A lil introduction and some questions. - 11/27/2007 2:45:00 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteKnuckleRide

I mentioned earlier that I see your lifestyle and the BDSM lifestyle as 2 distinct entities.

I don't see my lifestyle as being the same as the lifestyle that you choose and, therefore, don't identify with it, although I do understand it a bit more now. I'd consider myself/my relationships as vanilla, although you may or may not say different. That said, I can look at things that happen within the BDSM world and see things (acts) that I regularly engage in. Things that I wouldn't particularly mention to the lads down the pub, or whatever. I play bass; I don't knit. I ride a bike; I don't play golf.

I still do see your lifestyle and the BDSM lifestyle as 2 disinct entities. Why should you have all the fun?!!!   :P


I think you're getting hung up on semantics.  One is either "in the lifestyle" or vanilla.  There are millions of variations of being in the lifestyle.  Some people are more into relationship structure, some are more into s/m type play activities, some don't even equate it with being sexual and the list goes on and on.  You can find your place without adhering to other's labels.  It truly is about what you want and need, not what others think or feel, except of course your partner. 

Stop focusing on distinguishing yourself from others and decide what it is you want, because like it or not, you have a profile on an alternative forum and your posts indicate you have the desire for some participation of some level for lifestyle activities/relationships and enjoy doing some of those activities which kind of puts you "in the lifestyle".  It's ok, we won't tell anyone. You can be what you are and not be like everyone here or engage in the things that you find "sickening".  We all do that too.

Instead of distinguishing yourself, you might consider giving us some idea of what it is you are looking for and what your questions are about you and your desire for "kinky sex".  You will find many people here that are open to talk and have quite a bit of knowlege you might find helpful.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 11/27/2007 2:47:35 PM >

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I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to WhiteKnuckleRide)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: A lil introduction and some questions. - 11/27/2007 3:35:35 PM   
Dari


Posts: 192
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

As with everything, I want to do my fair share.


For the record - I'm not trying to pick you apart, merely address those things I see (from my perspective) as fallacies and illogical leaps.  But as .the.dark mentioned - it's difficult to hear people's voices over a typed medium, so inflections are lost.

Your quote above is really the key.  You think that if you aren't doing at least half the chores, that you're not doing your fair share.  Extrapolating (perhaps erroneously) from what you've said in other posts, the next logical assumption is that you see (or perhaps saw, prior to this thread) a D/s relationship as one where one person tells someone what to do, and the other person does it - and so the power is all in the hands of the Dominant, but all the work is done by the submissive.

In my experience, there is a shared responsibility for the relationship and the activities.  There are things that only I do - set up scenes, for instance, and plan the days.  I put a lot of effort into making sure that the needs of my submissives are addressed, and that everyone involved is happy and finds satisfaction and fulfillment.  I work hard to understand what makes them tick, and who they are as a person.  I love to cook - so that's something that also remains mine, more often than not.  There are a great many things I do, as a person and as a Domme, that are considered "my fair share." 

Now, keeping that in mind - I don't do dishes, unless my sub is sick or there are extenuating circumstances.  I clean for myself when I don't have a sub around, but when I do?  You better believe I don't do that either.  But just because I'm not doing household chores, doesn't mean I'm idle.  I'm betting most dominants aren't lounging around all day, while their subs/slaves work their hearts out.  Sure, once in a while maybe - or perhaps if you're a very wealthy dominant?  But I'm not wealthy (though I support myself happily), so I work, and I contribute to the relationship in other ways.

Division of household duties does not an even relationship make.  And being Dominant doesn't mean I don't do anything around the house, or make any material contribution to what's going on.  (I'd add smilies so you know I'm being all friendly-like, but I find it as annoying as Tigrita, so I'll just hope you'll take my word for it!)



(in reply to WhiteKnuckleRide)
Profile   Post #: 49
A lil introduction and some questions. - 11/27/2007 5:02:16 PM   
WhiteKnuckleRide


Posts: 35
Joined: 11/23/2007
Status: offline 		I've learnt quite a bit in the last 48 hours. I now realise that my preconceptions and predudice were very much misplaced; for your help in this, and for your patience, I thank you all.

quote:

One is either "in the lifestyle" or vanilla.
 

Why not simply say,  "One lives."; for that is what we all do?

quote:

Instead of distinguishing yourself, you might consider giving us some idea of what it is you are looking for and what your questions are about you and your desire for "kinky sex".  You will find many people here that are open to talk and have quite a bit of knowlege you might find helpful.


What do I want? I really don't have clue. Just a girl to chill out with; someone who's adventurous both in and out of bed; someone who can talk about things other than Big Brother. A girl who's not afraid to do things at short notice, not afraid to get dirty, doesn't worry too much about things like make-up and looking her best all the time. Someone who doesn't rely on me to make all the decisions (coz I'm crap at them!). Someone who'll tell me to shut up and argue with me; I like feisty girls.  If you want specifics, I like girls that're younger than me, tall; long, dark hair; not too slim. I love a girl to be shaved/waxed down below; a non-smoker. If she's in any way creative (plays an instrument, draws, writes, photographs) that's a huge bonus. If she has her own scourge that's...erm, well..that's none of your business, frankly!!! :P
In the bedroom (or out), I'm pretty liberal but...I don't like being tied up. I've done...things...that I don't particularly wanna share with a forum full of strangers, most of which I've liked. As for fetishes (fetii?), I love collars/chokers, corsets and jodphurs on a girl (not necessarily at the same time). Perhaps there's some sort of subconscious reason as to why collar/chokers do what they do to me but, if so, I've not worked it out yet. The usual stockings and suspenders, peephole bras, etc, don't really do much for me.
As for what I'm like and what I can offer...you can read in my profile when I fill it in properly. :)

(I couldn't help it...I like smileys!!!!) :P



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sarchasm (sär'kz'm) 1. (n.) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: A lil introduction and some questions. - 11/28/2007 4:57:52 AM   
WhiteKnuckleRide


Posts: 35
Joined: 11/23/2007
Status: offline 		I just read a thread on poly-pansexuals...that's some confyoosin' stuff there. I didn't understand a word of it and now my head hurts!!!


(As I can't use smileys...this is said with tongue firmly in cheek)


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sarchasm (sär'kz'm) 1. (n.) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

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Profile   Post #: 51
RE: A lil introduction and some questions. - 11/28/2007 5:07:29 AM   
Dari


Posts: 192
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline 		No-no.  I think you've proved quite thoroughly that you absolutely can use smilies, with great frequency and aplomb!

And while I'm not a poly-person, wouldn't a poly-pansexual relationship be one in which everyone in a household had a sexual relationship with everyone else, regardless of gender, and that there were all the combinations possible represented in said relationship?

quote:

Why not simply say,  "One lives."; for that is what we all do?


And this quote, well - very nicely put, and you're starting to get it.  We all live, and we're all individuals.  Seeing past the labels to the commonalities gives a starting point to understanding, even when the choices we make take us down vastly different paths.  Sometimes when starting to really understand something previously outside our ken, we need to start at an incredibly broad generalization to find the commonality.  From there though - you have such knowledge available!


< Message edited by Dari -- 11/28/2007 5:08:50 AM >

(in reply to WhiteKnuckleRide)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: A lil introduction and some questions. - 11/28/2007 5:14:16 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Hi Neil
 
quote:

Why not simply say,  "One lives."; for that is what we all do?


If you want - go for it.  Darcy and I don't split our lives in half, we just are what we are.  We don't have BDSM lives and then a seperate one - we simply combine the two with our music lives, our photography lives our gaming lives etc... its all life after all.
 
You just mentioned BigBrother - that was a give away - so I checked your profile and saw you are in the UK.
Have you thought about attending any groups or events to actually talk face to face to people - or is it too soon for you yet?  Reading is good too - there are lots of books you can grab on amazon if thats of interest - people can offer advice on good ones to read if you ask here... I wont go listing unless it's something you want.  And there is always IC - which has all the clubs and groups and a posting forum like this but it is UK based.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to WhiteKnuckleRide)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: A lil introduction and some questions. - 11/28/2007 5:17:12 AM   
Tigrita


Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Hehe, thanks for sparing us some smileys.  It was only the condescending ones that were annoying me though, personally, when they followed potentially sensitive points, they came across about like Dolores Umbridge and her cheerfully antagonistic condescension.  In general they aren't that bad a thing.

I wish you the best of luck in finding what you're looking for. 


< Message edited by Tigrita -- 11/28/2007 5:18:55 AM >

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~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to Dari)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: A lil introduction and some questions. - 11/28/2007 7:36:41 AM   
TotalState


Posts: 278
Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline 		I'd like to pipe in that a lot of the power exchange is really just pretend, all in the mind.  Not that it makes it any less real, but I find it is very, incredibly easy to read too much into people's relationships.  Sure, some people have a constant (and even total) power exchange dynamic, but most don't.  There are various degrees of D/s relationships as well.

For me, it was all about kink to begin with.  A bit of roleplay in the bedroom, that simply started to become a bigger part of who I was once I discovered that my submissive and I enjoyed having certain aspects of the previously bedroom-only roles in our general lives. 

Simply put, if it feels good, do it.  It's all consenting adults, so don't overanalyze.


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Spanking with a smile, living with feeling.

(in reply to WhiteKnuckleRide)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: A lil introduction and some questions. - 11/28/2007 2:45:29 PM   
Driver1961


Posts: 459
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteKnuckleRide

This is messed up!!!

I signed up hoping for some kinky sex and end up analysing my relationships with my friends!!!   :P
 
Ha!, I'm still smiling!  An apt comment along with your 'Mindfxxk'.
 
  Obtaining a perspective of what constitutes 'consentual' power dynamics is mindfxcking; because the 'reality' of when Two (or more in some cases)acknowledge their desirability to enter same, their expectations are generally individualistic.(hence contracts, very open communication) and the (dare I say;egotistical) 'reward' that many refer to.

Your:  If I know one of them's a veggie, I don't give them steak; that's just common-curtesy, I don't have to be trained. :) Likewise, you say you're 'trained' to get over your fears or to do housework better-why do you need to be 'trained'. Surely, these are life-skills that everyone learns? Perhaps I'm getting hung up on this word trained.   Yes as part of your personal mindfxck- you are getting hung up on TRAINED.  But it's all good learning.... for you... and for others posting their justifications.

I have read the whole thread and although Surely these are life skills that everyone learns? is touched upon, I missed seeing it adressed specifically?

Some people don't know how to make a cup of leaf tea. - warm the cup, pot etc OR believe that milk is put in with a teabag before the boiling water!!!! Argh!!!!! Get me another one thanks!!!   Suprisingly Life Skills are little different.  Some people never 'got it' and avoid.or  skirt around issues, attempting not to expose their lack of knowledge and reinforce their worth of 'stupid' without acknowledging their issue is simply their lack of knowledge.  The generally accepted 'Lifestyle' view is the submissive acknowledges lacks of learnings and gives permission to their Dominant to clarify and act- thus creating  rewarding personal growth. Albeit professional counselling is sometimes worthy.
 
(It is worthy to point out that a balanced dominant personality will readily accept critcism and thus give critcism.  Something that is based constuctively NOT destructively.  A person lacking in self esteem- generally sees all criticism as destructive. A submissive in 'Lifestyle' (L/S) finds a niche where this 'self doubt' is received positively and so further embraces the Dynamic. ) 
 
Thankyou for a very worthy thread.
 
Warm regards Driver.

PS. (Edited to add) Some have responded here negatively to your reasonable queries and that happens in all aspects of life, Lifestyle is perfect in theory.
 
 






< Message edited by Driver1961 -- 11/28/2007 2:50:35 PM >

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Dance as though nobody is watching!

(in reply to WhiteKnuckleRide)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: A lil introduction and some questions. - 11/29/2007 12:49:38 PM   
WhiteKnuckleRide


Posts: 35
Joined: 11/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

(just an edit to add - if Darcy calls during heroes - I answer... no brainer...)

Just outta curiosity, the.dark., ...does he call during Heroes? For what reason/s?


< Message edited by WhiteKnuckleRide -- 11/29/2007 12:50:12 PM >

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sarchasm (sär'kz'm) 1. (n.) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 57
My first non-munch. - 12/18/2007 9:30:27 AM   
WhiteKnuckleRide


Posts: 35
Joined: 11/23/2007
Status: offline 		I'm disappointed. It's Saturday and I've plucked up the courage to go to a munch. I arrive at the pub in good time and go from table to table looking for the ubiquitous A-Z; none to be seen. I ask the lad behind the bar if there's a meeting arranged; he says that he isn't aware of anything going on. I take my drink to a table, wait half an hour then do another tour, at this point feeling quite conscious as I'm spending longer than I should looking at the contents of peoples tables. Again, nothing, so I leave. Back home, I email the organiser to see if had been cancelled. Apparently, it went ahead but I didn't see the A-Z because no-one had bothered to take one. :(
The annoying thing is that, from where I was sat, the only people in my view were the very people I was supposed to be meeting. Bugger!!
Aw, well. I'll get there next month.

An aside: the usual 'front' for munches is that it's a meeting of ramblers. For some strange reason, I'd be more embarrassed asking after the meeting of the outdoor folk than asking after the munch. 


_____________________________

sarchasm (sär'kz'm) 1. (n.) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

(in reply to WhiteKnuckleRide)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: My first non-munch. - 12/18/2007 9:35:17 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I don;t know whether to say 'opps' or go for a Homer Simpson 'doh'.
 
Well, there ya go - first rule of thumb - contact the organiser before you go so they know to expect you and they should look out for you!  Blessings for the next visit hey...
 
And as for the heros question - nope - never calls during heroes - because hes watching it too!
 
the.dark.

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to WhiteKnuckleRide)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: My first non-munch. - 12/21/2007 4:19:56 PM   
WhiteKnuckleRide


Posts: 35
Joined: 11/23/2007
Status: offline 		A lil bit of both, methinks, the.dark!!! I'll get it right next month...maybe. :)

Right, something's been puzzling me for a while: what does experienced mean? If sub or dom is what a person is, how then can you say you're an experienced sub or dom? Surely, that's like saying you're an experienced white person (or whatever). Does experienced relate more to the physical side of things? I can understand, for example, someone being experienced in using a flogger and being able to control where and how it lands, rather than have someone like me try it and hit everywhere but the intended target!!!

Am I missing something here?

_____________________________

sarchasm (sär'kz'm) 1. (n.) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 60
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