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RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 7:41:06 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		OK I am going to take another tack, bear with Me! When we are little, we learn to associate particular wavelengths of light reflected into our eyes from certain objects (ie different colours) with particular labels. We learn what "red and yellow and green and blue" etc ARE ... yet undoubtedly some people will describe THIS as green, some will call it blue, and others will attach labels such as aqua, turquoise, teal, sea-green etc! Parents and others try to unify the expression of colours by associating them with objects ... "grass is green" ... well, not always if you live in Australia LOL! And who hasn't seen a little kid's painting with yellow sky and wild red grass! And they can't work out why you have to ask what it is!

So what is an orgasm anyway? It is a label that we learn to attach to or associate with a suite of variable sensations and feelings. I think it's possible to have had the sensations and feelings that OTHER people would attach the orgasm label to ... and not realise that "that was it"! That's what we "should" have thought of as an "orgasm!" Maybe we've really been secretly expecting that the earth WILL move, the heavens WILL open etc ... and the reality isn't quite as WOW as we thought it was going to be. It is a possibility ... but not one that's often considered. I'm not convinced that the ability to recognise an orgasm as one is quite as innate (inborn/instinctive) as some of the posters here seem to think it is.

So to the OP ... maybe you have had one, maybe you haven't. I haven't been with you, watched you closely, felt whether your muscles were contracting, looked for the breathing changes, the colour changes ... all those physical signs that Rumpus described so well. Maybe the Dom who believed you did orgasm WAS just stroking His ego ... or maybe He was right in that you WERE exhibiting all the signs that you were orgasming ... and you just didn't recognise it as that to attach that label to it. Worth thinking about hon!

An aside ... I sometimes wondered how My ex ever learned his colours ... because in later life, he could never accept anyone's word that "x" was the appropriate label to attach to an experience! When we were heavily involved in a charismatic church, he could never accept that he was "in the spirit" despite exhibiting the characteristic signs. Similarly, he could never accept that he had been in subspace ... how do i know if i'm there if i've never been there before? was his circular reasoning ... he couldn't accept that the experience I watched him go through had all the hallmarks of what most subs agree is "subspace"! To Me it's a matter of saying "OK, that felt like this ... other people call that x ... so in future I will refer to times when I feel like this as x!" It can come down to a matter of TRUST ... if someone whose opinion you respect, who has had appropriate experiences, observes you and says "From what I saw, I believe that what you just experienced is what most people would term x" ... then are you able to trust that assessment and accept that you can call that "x" in future?

Maam Jay aka violet[A] Edited cos I stuffed up ... it's late!

< Message edited by MaamJay -- 11/29/2007 7:44:08 AM >

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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 7:56:41 AM   
MasterofScyn


Posts: 141
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline 		It also takes the partner to get to know your body. THEY have to know how your body works. It took Master quite while to figure out how to get me to orgasm... It is a wonderful feeling. Relaxing is partly true, you got to basically not think about it. Clear all thoughts out from your mind, don't try and force the orgasm... Just feel what he doing to you. My Master actually did alot of study on how a womans body works.. He's actually the only one I know that would take the time out to figure out how my body ticks.
 
Everyone is different, even in  how they orgasm.. For some it takes to time to learn what your body will respond to, others it's easy. This is just from my own experience... It'll happen and you'll definatly know when it does.

_____________________________

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May the wind always be at your back
May the sun always shine against your face
May the rain fall softly upon your fields
Until we meet again
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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 8:58:14 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		have you tried discussing it with your gynecologist?

quote:

Effectively treating sexual dysfunction often requires addressing an underlying medical condition or hormonal change that's affecting your sexuality. Medical conditions that can contribute to sexual dysfunction include depression or anxiety, diabetes, cardiovascular and neurological diseases, pelvic or abdominal surgery, and cancers. Vulnerable hormonal times in a woman's life occur during pregnancy and the postpartum period, while using hormonal birth control methods, and during perimenopause and menopause... http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/female-sexual-dysfunction/DS00701/DSECTION=6

(in reply to Kalista07)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 9:16:39 AM   
octavia


Posts: 377
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline 		Just wanted to pipe up and share my experience with you. 

I remember when I learned what an orgasm was, i was just a lil kid, and I had developed a habit of using running water in the tub to masterbate, I had NO IDEA that I was masterbating to orgasm and i would lay there and think, how much better it would feel when I was a grown up having sex with a man.... Boy was i disapointed when I finally figured out that,  I was orgasming and it doesn't really get any better than that~! LOL  It took me a while to reintegrate the new information about what orgasm is but overall I'd say im fine now.  The point I want to make is that you may or may not be recognizing your orgasms, and you are doing the right thing to explore and investigate for yourself.  Orgasms are wonderful, they were wonderful when i was in the tub too, but i had just clouded my experience with expectation. 

best wishes,
oct

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 9:26:43 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		There have been many great and not so great replies here. The best replies have been to say in order to know what it feels like for YOU, every woman needs to know how to orgasm by herself, first. I firmly believe that.

I am multi orgasmic and learned when I was a teenager with a vibrator what an orgasm was. When I knew that feeling, I was far better able to recognize the physical sensations and the mental ones that I needed to use with a partner.

Sometimes, when you are with a partner, when you have not had an orgasm yet, you try too hard, or they try too hard to make you orgasm and there is too much pressure going on.

Relaxing is a double edged suggestion. Yes, you need to be relaxed about yourself and your confidence about your sexuality, but to ME, orgasms are the result of mental stimulation and physical stimulation, one of which is muscle contraction. So, you cannot really "relax" when you are having an orgasm, per se.

I know I need to "bear down" and use my muscles and when the contractions start, POW!!!

So, hopefully all this advice will help you, but I would most definitely start with a vibrator and your most delicious fantasy, alone.

(in reply to octavia)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 9:27:49 AM   
secretagentgirl


Posts: 70
Joined: 9/16/2007
Status: offline 		I think you need to make a plan to try to give yourself one.  You say you tried, correct?  Can we inquire as to what methods you used?
I'm assuming you've tried your hand.  A vibrator?  Different types of vibrators?
Perhaps you need to experiment a little more?

I really think that getting it right yourself is a much more effective first step than hoping that a partner will figure it out.  Once you know how your body works, you can help them understand it too.

(in reply to octavia)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 10:10:56 AM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Ironically I have t he best mind blowing easiest to achieve* most times* orgasms when I am alone, It sucks, because I want very much to have those with my partner, but orgasm is just one of those things easier for me to do alone. One time I was attempting to cum and I couldn't and he got up to go get food cause I indicated it wasn't going to happen lets just quit, and then a second later after he'd left bamn here it came.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Masterslena

sometimes it is like a rose opening and blooming, and other times it is like fireworks going off that leave me with drool on my pillow!!!  and thats when Im alone!!!


(in reply to Masterslena)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 10:23:24 AM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I'm not her so I can't answer for her, but I do have experince in this. I did go to my gyno about my libido issues, and drying out in seconds and arousal disapering and the other issues, and she listend and said well sorry i can't fix it. She said maybe going on the pill not the shot would help, but i was on the pill before and the issues were there before birthcontrol while on pill  birthcontroll. She did recomend a sex therapist however, they're expensive, most don't take insurance, and most don't have sliding scales, and are clear across town.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

have you tried discussing it with your gynecologist?

quote:


(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 10:27:32 AM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		You know, squirting is often mistaken for peeing, and they're two very diffrent actions. I've emptied my bladder entirely before play and with good repeated intense stimulation gushed about a cup full of liquid, and I researched and asked about it online and found out, women can squirt fluids and no it's not peeing when you do it.*usualy*
quote:

ORIGINAL: fsub4use

. sometimes women laugh or cry or even pee when they have an orgasm.  (not me of course, ahem). lol


(in reply to fsub4use)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 10:36:20 AM   
sammiebabygirl


Posts: 465
Joined: 10/23/2004
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable

Oh, also watch your breathing patterns during arousal.  If you start holding your breath when reaching the highest intensity, this can keep you from orgasming.  Some can do so despite it, but it can hamper or completely halt the ability to orgasm in many females.


This is very true and why I especially enjoy sex with a certain Dom I play with. He does mild choking during intercourse, which makes me have to work harder to achieve orgasm. It makes it so much better for me if I have to work for it.
 
jen

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(in reply to RumpusParable)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 10:39:41 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		OK, but that doesn't mean every other woman in the world knows when they're having an orgasm.

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Ummm...I'm not so sure of that.  Everyone experiences orgasm differently (and not all orgasms feel the same, of course).  I'm sure that some women have orgasms without being completely aware of it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

Hon, you will know when it happens.



I'm pretty sure of it when I hear myself screaming...


< Message edited by Lordandmaster -- 11/29/2007 10:40:16 AM >

(in reply to subtee)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 10:58:06 AM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		I seldom orgasm with intercourse, it takes a good toy to take me there.  To the OP--get yourself a good vibrator that can be used on your clit as well as internally and experiment with it while you fantacize. If you are into pain it helps to use some clothes pins on youir nips and maybe a butt plug too.  Others mentioned water pressure, that also works well, maybe a shower attachment or a hose with a sprayer on it in the hot tub.  Those are things that work well for me.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to Kalista07)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 12:46:17 PM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

OK, but that doesn't mean every other woman in the world knows when they're having an orgasm.

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Ummm...I'm not so sure of that.  Everyone experiences orgasm differently (and not all orgasms feel the same, of course).  I'm sure that some women have orgasms without being completely aware of it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

Hon, you will know when it happens.



quote:

I'm pretty sure of it when I hear myself screaming...


But...if she doesn't know she's orgasming...how...does she know she's orgasming?

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 1:53:36 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		i want to thank You all for Your kind and well thought out responses........i suppose i should shed a little light here.....Yes i've talked to my doctor about it, she says it's not a medical issue and encouraged me to do therapy....i had talked to my old therapist about it and she assured me when it was right it would happen......................
...........When i say that i can't let it occur, i seriously mean i am not capable of allowing it................................if i'm alone (which is something i don't frankly get much enjoyment out of in the first place) what happens is when i get to that spot and i try to push through it i end up sobbing in a ball.................If i try it with a partner, same thing occurs....So, generally what happens is i shut myself off when it gets to the point, fake it and get them the hell off (or out) of me................................
 
Feeling really stupid now,
Kali

< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 11/29/2007 1:54:37 PM >

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~~Sweedish Proverb


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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 1:57:51 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

i want to thank You all for Your kind and well thought out responses........i suppose i should shed a little light here.....Yes i've talked to my doctor about it, she says it's not a medical issue and encouraged me to do therapy....i had talked to my old therapist about it and she assured me when it was right it would happen......................
...........When i say that i can't let it occur, i seriously mean i am not capable of allowing it................................if i'm alone (which is something i don't frankly get much enjoyment out of in the first place) what happens is when i get to that spot and i try to push through it i end up sobbing in a ball.................If i try it with a partner, same thing occurs....So, generally what happens is i shut myself off when it gets to the point, fake it and get them the hell off (or out) of me................................
 
Feeling really stupid now,
Kali


Kali,
You're not stupid.  If you enjoy sex without orgasming just don't worry about it for now.  Time will help heal your mental wounds and your body will respond accordingly when that happens.  I've been there, trust me, I know it's frustrating.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 2:31:33 PM   
MystressDream


Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

OK, but that doesn't mean every other woman in the world knows when they're having an orgasm.

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Ummm...I'm not so sure of that.  Everyone experiences orgasm differently (and not all orgasms feel the same, of course).  I'm sure that some women have orgasms without being completely aware of it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

Hon, you will know when it happens.



I'm pretty sure of it when I hear myself screaming...



Tell me, Lam.... Do you know when YOU have orgasmed?  I find it quite amusing that you would believe that women don't know when it happens.  LOLOL

_____________________________

Knowledge and experience are wonderful things to share. When we stop asking questions, we might as well "hang it up".

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 3:00:24 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

if i'm alone (which is something i don't frankly get much enjoyment out of in the first place) what happens is when i get to that spot and i try to push through it i end up sobbing in a ball.................If i try it with a partner, same thing occurs....So, generally what happens is i shut myself off when it gets to the point, fake it and get them the hell off (or out) of me................................
 
Feeling really stupid now,
Kali


First of all, nobody named Kali is stupid ! 

The next order of business is, you need to immediately stop trying to have an orgasm.  That's right, you are NOT ALLOWED to.  And you need to work on this alone.

So do this... when you're 30 seconds from getting to that spot... stop.  Just stop.  Don't push thru.  Let the tension come down, let your breathing slow down.  But not all the way, you still want to be aroused.  Then start up again.  Get 30 seconds from that spot again, and stop.  Keep doing this.  Refuse to ALLOW yourself to push thru, or to get there.  What we hope will happen is that you will get to a point where you can NOT stop one more time, and your body will carry you thru.

Not to say you won't sob AFTERWARDS, the huge rush of endorphins can make you cry and you don't know why.  Don't stress it.

Now, if that doesn't work, how about all of us amazing chicks take a field trip and come and help you?

Cali

(in reply to Kalista07)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Orgasm question - 11/29/2007 3:03:56 PM   
sammiebabygirl


Posts: 465
Joined: 10/23/2004
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline 		Kalista,
The very first time I orgasmed was while I was being gang raped at the age of 12. I had no idea what was happening to me, but my body just responded to the stimuli. I was punished for it and made fun of by my rapists.
 
Today, I love sex and am multi-orgasmic. Don't worry. It will happen for you.
 
jen

_____________________________

"Men are like pianos. When they get upright, i feel GRAND!!!"

http://charldine.com/jen2820

(in reply to MystressDream)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 3:13:35 PM   
curiousfox


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/7/2006
Status: offline 		Alrighty, pardon me for posting without A. ever introducing myself anywhere in another post or B. reading through the rest of the answers and seeing what's been said, but I feel compelled to post on this one.

Kalista,  I don't know how old you are, but I'm 32.  It wasn't until I was 29, that I ever experienced an orgasm.  I tried, but traditional sex never did it for me. Yes, I enjoyed it, I enjoyed the intimacy with my partner, but did I cum? No. Aftter awhile, I started wondering if I could.  And I started thinking that I couldn't.  That I never would.  But I faked them with the best of them. Every single one, fake! (which actually later caused me to laugh, realizing my ex-husband doesn't know that absolutely every one was fake)  But at some point, I actually started playing by myself, trying different things as far as masturbation until I had one.

I was shocked! I was stunned!  And at first....no, it wasn't the stunning, end all things, pass out experience ya read in the romance novels, honey.  It was nice, but not earth shattering.   I've since then learned to me what it feels like, and what I can do to intensify them.  I was able to isolate some of the physical signs for me (muscle spasms) when I was using a combination of both vaginal and clit stimulation, because I could feel myself spasm around the dildo.  

What does it feel like? It's hard to say, and I dont want to just give you an answer like "you''ll know when you have one', because when I wasn't able to have them, that kind of answer would have made me cry! I already felt like a failure as a woman, I didn't need help with that!  But for me, I always found the arousal pattern went in waves.  I would masturbate, it felt great...had to stop because the sensation was too much. Repeat, with each wave of sensation, I'd be hitting a little higher, until I was on an edge that every touch felt amazing, and the next touch would be it.  The actual moment of orgasm is...hmm. I guess a combination of all  the arousal, and suddenly I'm feeling it all at once, with varying degrees of intensity.  At the moment, it feels like I can't get enough. Generally, there's the classic moment where I can't breath, and then as its passing, I'm hypersensitive to the point where I can't stand any stimulation at all. That;'s another good clue to know if you came.

And no, at first, it took me a couple orgasms to realize "hey! So that's what that was!!"

And another thing. Maybe for you, for your arousal patterns, its difficult to orgasm alone thru vaginal stimulation alone.  I know for me, the only way I've had them at all was thru my own hand, a vibrator, or on two occasions with a guy I was seeing, oral sex. And that was after we had already had sex a few times, and I was more relaxed.  At some point, I imagine you will work it out. If I did, someone else can.  And I feel a bit sorry for the guy I was with, because after I did have one with him, I bawled and bawled, because it was so emotional fo r me.  And then the next night? I came even easier. Once you can learn to have them, it becomes easier and easier to have them.

So dont feel bad about crying yourself to sleep over the situation. It's not time to check yourself in the nuthouse just yet.  Hang in there.  Play with yourself when NOBODY else is around, so you feel as relaxed as you can, and just...see what happens.  No expectations, just to see what happens. And you might be surprised by what DOES happen.

Rebecca

(in reply to Kalista07)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Orgams question - 11/29/2007 3:23:46 PM   
TwiztdErotic


Posts: 155
Joined: 10/13/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Oh, also watch your breathing patterns during arousal. If you start holding your breath when reaching the highest intensity, this can keep you from orgasming. Some can do so despite it, but it can hamper or completely halt the ability to orgasm in many females.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

This is very true and why I especially enjoy sex with a certain Dom I play with. He does mild choking during intercourse, which makes me have to work harder to achieve orgasm. It makes it so much better for me if I have to work for it.

jen

I have to disagree with this. While this may be the case for you, it is not the case for everyone. For me, personally, I cannot cum while breathing. I literally have to hold my breath (at the very least) and stop the flow of oxygen altogether before I can reach that place. Once orgasm begins, I can begin breathing again and the added sensations actually enhance the experience. This could be due to the fact that I became heavily involved in asphyxiation at an early age (13 or so) But, it might work for you.

I would suggest that you stop worrying so much about orgasm and just relax. Get comfortable with yourself and don't make it all about reaching orgasm, the pressure you place on yourself may be too much to allow you to actually experience it. So, relax, get comfy, and simply enjoy the sensations of making yourself feel good. As you become more and more comfortable, you can begin to experiment with other ways, either mental or physical, to bring yourself even more pleasure. As the pleasure increases it will have no choice but to result in orgasm, at least in theory.

good luck.

(in reply to MystressDream)
Profile   Post #: 40
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