Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold

Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (Full Version)

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Teles -> Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 9:44:43 AM)
I've been through this before, but just thought if there was anyone else in the same boat some advice might be helpful. When I say long term, I don't mean a few weeks, I mean a year or so. My boyfriend in the army and we've already weathered one deployment but he's been gone for months now on his second one and I won't see him for another six. I've had a lot of pent up BDSM energy for an awfully long time and we were just starting to get into it when he left. We don't have a chance to talk much, certainly not enough for me to be jabbering about BDSM stuff. I'm good at being able to deal with his absence... Reading, exercising, writing him letters, trying to find ways to improve myself or do things that'll surprise him in a good way when he gets home as well as continuing to do things I usually do. What I don't know how to do is satisfy the BDSM aspect of it. It's like now that it's out in the open I can't reign it all back inside. I do a lot of writing about it but I don't really know what else I could do. How can you put something like that on hold? Any suggestions? I feel like more and more it, excuse the term, dominates all of my waking thoughts. Has anyone else had to deal with this?

RCdc -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 11:32:02 AM)
Hi (Leonine?) When you state 'BDSM aspect' - what do you mean - mental or physical? Do you have specific thoughts in your head as to which parts of BDSM you feel you are struggling with? the.dark.

MystressDream -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 11:47:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Teles I've been through this before, but just thought if there was anyone else in the same boat some advice might be helpful. When I say long term, I don't mean a few weeks, I mean a year or so. My boyfriend in the army and we've already weathered one deployment but he's been gone for months now on his second one and I won't see him for another six. I've had a lot of pent up BDSM energy for an awfully long time and we were just starting to get into it when he left. We don't have a chance to talk much, certainly not enough for me to be jabbering about BDSM stuff. I'm good at being able to deal with his absence... Reading, exercising, writing him letters, trying to find ways to improve myself or do things that'll surprise him in a good way when he gets home as well as continuing to do things I usually do. What I don't know how to do is satisfy the BDSM aspect of it. It's like now that it's out in the open I can't reign it all back inside. I do a lot of writing about it but I don't really know what else I could do. How can you put something like that on hold? Any suggestions? I feel like more and more it, excuse the term, dominates all of my waking thoughts. Has anyone else had to deal with this? *Might be just me, but, I can't read what you post. The light pink and small font just damn near disappear on my monitor.*

RCdc -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 11:52:46 AM)
It is difficult to read because of the paleness and size combined, but if it makes it easier for you, you can click and highlight the words and they turn dark blue making it clearer. Hope that assists.[:)] the.dark.

MystressDream -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 12:11:02 PM)
*Thank you.*

MystressDream -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 12:21:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Teles I've been through this before, but just thought if there was anyone else in the same boat some advice might be helpful. When I say long term, I don't mean a few weeks, I mean a year or so. My boyfriend in the army and we've already weathered one deployment but he's been gone for months now on his second one and I won't see him for another six. I've had a lot of pent up BDSM energy for an awfully long time and we were just starting to get into it when he left. We don't have a chance to talk much, certainly not enough for me to be jabbering about BDSM stuff. I'm good at being able to deal with his absence... Reading, exercising, writing him letters, trying to find ways to improve myself or do things that'll surprise him in a good way when he gets home as well as continuing to do things I usually do. What I don't know how to do is satisfy the BDSM aspect of it. It's like now that it's out in the open I can't reign it all back inside. I do a lot of writing about it but I don't really know what else I could do. How can you put something like that on hold? Any suggestions? I feel like more and more it, excuse the term, dominates all of my waking thoughts. *Ok... at least I was able to read this. Now, for my comments. Brace yourself, because you won't like them.* *You boyfriend has been deployed in a war, and you are all concerned about how you can contain your BDSM desires while he is away???* I'm sorry, but this really rubs me the wrong way. You state that the two of you had started this exploration before he left. It's not like he left you and put you on hold by making a personal decision to do so. He was deployed. He is over there dodging bullets and homemade bombs, and waiting each day to see if he has mail from you.... And, what are you doing?? You are "ok" with being able to deal with his absence.... but, you have this wild BDSM urge that you can't contain?? Grow up! If you don't get your sexual buttons pushed in the way you want them pushed while he is overseas, I doubt you will find many who feel sorry for you. Instead, I hope and pray that he will be OK. *If you love him, then wait for him. If you don't, then go out and find someone else. If that is the case, he is better off without you.*

decstorm37 -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 12:36:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MystressDream quote: ORIGINAL: Teles I've been through this before, but just thought if there was anyone else in the same boat some advice might be helpful. When I say long term, I don't mean a few weeks, I mean a year or so. My boyfriend in the army and we've already weathered one deployment but he's been gone for months now on his second one and I won't see him for another six. I've had a lot of pent up BDSM energy for an awfully long time and we were just starting to get into it when he left. We don't have a chance to talk much, certainly not enough for me to be jabbering about BDSM stuff. I'm good at being able to deal with his absence... Reading, exercising, writing him letters, trying to find ways to improve myself or do things that'll surprise him in a good way when he gets home as well as continuing to do things I usually do. What I don't know how to do is satisfy the BDSM aspect of it. It's like now that it's out in the open I can't reign it all back inside. I do a lot of writing about it but I don't really know what else I could do. How can you put something like that on hold? Any suggestions? I feel like more and more it, excuse the term, dominates all of my waking thoughts. *Ok... at least I was able to read this. Now, for my comments. Brace yourself, because you won't like them.* *You boyfriend has been deployed in a war, and you are all concerned about how you can contain your BDSM desires while he is away???* I'm sorry, but this really rubs me the wrong way. You state that the two of you had started this exploration before he left. It's not like he left you and put you on hold by making a personal decision to do so. He was deployed. He is over there dodging bullets and homemade bombs, and waiting each day to see if he has mail from you.... And, what are you doing?? You are "ok" with being able to deal with his absence.... but, you have this wild BDSM urge that you can't contain?? Grow up! If you don't get your sexual buttons pushed in the way you want them pushed while he is overseas, I doubt you will find many who feel sorry for you. Instead, I hope and pray that he will be OK. *If you love him, then wait for him. If you don't, then go out and find someone else. If that is the case, he is better off without you.* Could not put it better myself [sm=applause.gif]

kittyinpink -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 1:01:25 PM)
I'm going to look at this in a different light than the two above me and assume Teles is refering to her growth as a sub/slave. I'm sure it's not fun to have been exploring and growing with your boyfriend and then suddenly having to stop everything. Unfortunately, unless he's arranged for you to have sessions with other Doms, you're pretty much stuck biding your time when it comes to the BDSM aspect of your life... Well... unless you want to paddle yourself when you're naughty. My suggestion is keep up on your BDSM reading and accept the fact that a soldier's gf , when he chooses to sacrifice for his country, you have to also.

RCdc -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 1:18:10 PM)
Kitty I have not answered the OP because I have asked for clarification on what she feels she will have to put 'on hold' - so I don't know to what you infered I was answering on. If as submissive to a soldier however, I do agree with your thought that she has to a degree 'accepted' that she must make sacrifices. the.dark.

laurell3 -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 1:28:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kittyinpink I'm going to look at this in a different light than the two above me and assume Teles is refering to her growth as a sub/slave. I'm sure it's not fun to have been exploring and growing with your boyfriend and then suddenly having to stop everything. Unfortunately, unless he's arranged for you to have sessions with other Doms, you're pretty much stuck biding your time when it comes to the BDSM aspect of your life... Well... unless you want to paddle yourself when you're naughty. My suggestion is keep up on your BDSM reading and accept the fact that a soldier's gf , when he chooses to sacrifice for his country, you have to also. Ugh the mere suggestion of someone else being there while he's risking his life makes my stomach turn. I'm not sure how people are assuming she's being selfish by thinking of bdsm. She didn't say that's all she worries about. She may miss the guy like hell and be consumed with worry over him, why would she add that to this posting about bdsm? She's been with him for awhile, it's probably safer to assume the opposite if you're going to jump to conclusions. BDSM ain't all that special, and sometimes, like anyone else we go without. What he is doing is very special and there's no value or words that can measure how important it is. However, the families and so's of soldiers give up alot too. Why don't you guys try supporting her and giving her some sites she can at least puruse in his absence instead of assuming she's being selfish, which is not apparent at all from the OP. OP if you're referring to knowlege about BDSM you can ask here, visit sites, etc. If you're referring to sex, I don't know, a vibrator and nipple clamps and patience may be the only answer. I wish you and he well and hope for the best for you.

kittyinpink -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 1:37:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark Kitty I have not answered the OP because I have asked for clarification on what she feels she will have to put 'on hold' - so I don't know to what you infered I was answering on. If as submissive to a soldier however, I do agree with your thought that she has to a degree 'accepted' that she must make sacrifices. the.dark. Oh, I'm sorry, I should have clarified who I was refering to. I was refering to MystressDream and decstorm37 and their belief that she's being irrational. Actually, I agree with them, but I'm giving the OP the benefit of the doubt that she isn't just "complaining".

RCdc -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 1:48:49 PM)
No worries kitty, I probably should have clarified too.[:)] I don't agree that she is coming across as selfish so agree with laurell there. Sometimes it does take time apart to realise what you might not be able to cope with and it's a brave step to admit that - regardless of what part of BDSM Teles is refering to. Hopefully she isn't put off coming back and will expand on what she is struggling with. Besides, I believe you have to have 'been there' to know how she feels - she showed support elsewhere - and I think it's unfair to assume selfishness on her part when shes simply asked for thoughts on how to cope BDSM wise. the.dark.

MystressDream -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 1:49:01 PM)
laurell3.... What triggered my response was the OP stated she has no trouble dealing with his absence. She keeps herself occupied and that part seems to be OK with her. But, she stated she can't seem to control her BDSM desires. To me, that is a very selfish attitude considering why he is not there. *I stand by my initial reaction and response. Doesn't mean anyone has to agree with me.*

CdnExplorer -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 2:24:24 PM)
Of course sometimes people aren't into bdsm purely for the sex. I find it's usally best to look at someone's statement and assume the most charitable interpretation. She's found ways to deal with his absence, but seems to be experiencing a bit of a sub frenzy. That's a need that sometimes can't be rationalized away. If it is purely sexual then yeah, that's not cool. My bet though is that she's feeling rather unhinged because her psychological needs haven't been met in a long time. As always communication is everything, he needs to know what you're feeling. You don't want to take up the little phone time you get with bdsm, but from what I understand US troops have more regular access to email. I'd suggest sometime when you talk to tell him you want to send him an email about how you're feeling right now as a submissive. Don't bring up potential solutions, leave that to him. You don't want it to sound like a Dear John. Just describe what you're feeling. Heck, the communication on that level alone might help a lot. He may even be feeling the same way right now but hasn't wanted to tell you because you seemed to be doing ok.

gentlestarZR -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 4:16:34 PM)
well my fiance isnt in the army but he is over seas and away from me for along time .. i will see him once next year and yes i have a build up of frustration and granted i can talk to him but when i cant , i just put on a porn and let my imagination run away .. just buy a few toys and relax with them :} .. you can even write down all your fantasys in emails for him to pick up when he can and give him soemthing to think about while he's there .. that will help you both .. just learning what you both want .. but dont let it get to you just find an outlet that works for you ..

Dari -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 4:23:40 PM)
quote: I'd suggest sometime when you talk to tell him you want to send him an email about how you're feeling right now as a submissive. Don't bring up potential solutions, leave that to him. You don't want it to sound like a Dear John. Just describe what you're feeling. Heck, the communication on that level alone might help a lot. He may even be feeling the same way right now but hasn't wanted to tell you because you seemed to be doing ok. I'm going to disagree vehemently with these sentiments. Unless he's a REMF, the man is getting shot at to make the world a better place. Whether you agree that that is being accomplished or not, that's actually what a lot of Soldiers (and Marines, Seamen, and Airmen) are trying to do over there. The absolute last thing he needs to know right now is that his girl back home is miserable, unhappy, and unable to manage well. While he's dodging bullets and IEDs, trying to figure out if this meal will be his last or not, and learning to distinguish the guys who are going to kill him from the guys who aren't (oh, and by the way they look the same) - he doesn't need to be coming up with creative ways to keep his submissive entertained long-distance. Give him some peace of mind, for the love of all that's holy, and tell him you're doing fine, and missing him but you'll be A-OK. Hold the line, don't weaken him because you're not getting your BDSM needs met. US Troops have access to e-mail - to a point. However, he's in the Army (whose shitty deployment situations are rivalled only by the Marines), and she doesn't state what kind of MOS he has. For all we know, he could be one of those who gets sent out to do, um..."things" for weeks at a time, or whose only access to a laptop or e-mail is 1) through government channels, where you really don't want to be talking about BDSM, or 2) in the middle of a common area, where nothing is private. I'm with MystressDream on this one - I think she's being a whiny git. That being said, I'll be a little more supportive than my natural inclination (which is to say: suck it up!) and suggest these things: 1) Take a class that will teach you something useful for serving him when he gets home. Go to your local community college or something, and see if they have continuing ed massage classes. Go to the one-day type cooking classes, where you learn to make different and interesting cuisine from around the world, and then practice it until it's something that you would feed him on the day back from Iraq (or Afghanistan, or wherever he is). 2) Spend some time every day doing something that trains you to be a better sub. Maybe it's working on your flexibility, so he can tie you tighter when he gets back. Maybe it's finding a kinky position you can't manage right now, and exercise and practice until you can. Find something to do that directly relates to being a better submissive to him. 3) Start baking - regularly - and take it to your local Army recruiter. Better yet, find the nearest Veteran's hospital, and go and visit the troops there who have been injured. Take them cookies, take them cards, go and talk to them. Serve them like you cannot do him (not in a BDSM way, but a service way) - sometimes just sitting and talking to them can go a long way. Where he is not available, serve his brothers and sisters who have been injured. Keep a journal of each and every thing you do that is to replace service to him. Journal each time you go to the veteran's hospital. Detail some of the special conversations. Record each meal you learn to make, or each new position you have figured out. Each thing you learn or do to improve your submission. Keep is as a living testament to your service to him while he is far away, and give it to him as a coming-home present. Tell him simply - "While I could not serve you personally, I did these things in place of service to you. Each action in here was in humble submission to you." Maybe that'll help your urges. Maybe it won't. Either way, at least you'll be doing something productive.

decstorm37 -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 5:04:24 PM)
I'm hoping that she reads this post again and see's the idea's from Dari. They are great ways to serve her Master and not stress Him while He is deployed. Like Dari said she did not say what his MOS is. So He may not be able to email anyone for weeks at a time. I hope she takes time to find things to do to keep her mind busy and maybe find things that they can enjoy when He gets home.

smilezz -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 6:18:39 PM)
You know what you do Teles? You carry on as you are. Yes, you may miss the activities that you both do, none of that is of importance at the moment. You concentrate on getting through one day at a time. If it helps to write, then do that. You know what he did for a living, you opted to be involved with his life. This is what we do. SUCK IT UP. Take care of his property. Coming from an Army wife who's Master/Husband has been Deployed since March '06 and has been blessed enough to have seen Him twice. Take care of yourself....take care of what is his. ~smilezz~

CdnExplorer -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 6:22:20 PM)
Dari, I think you've very badly misunderstood what I was saying. Note in the beginning I talk about the psychological aspects of bdsm. Just because he's in the army doesn't mean he doesn't have a relationship anymore! All I suggested was a sharing of feelings, not a round of "Give me something kinky to do!". If email isn't an option a standard letter can work just as well. Geeze! The whole point is maintaining communication, without which a relationship would cease to exist. There are both good and bad ways to communicate in an LDR where one partner is in such a stressful situation. That doesn't mean communication is wrong, you just have to put a lot of thought into it. I know that if I was overseas risking my life and away from my partner that I would want to know I was missed, and in every way that I'm being missed. People that go to war usually come back very changed, and not having that connection to home makes it that much harder. ie: "I miss the way you X, did Y and by the way do you remember Z?"

Dari -> RE: Long Term Separations - Putting BDSM on hold (11/30/2007 6:30:22 PM)
quote: I'd suggest sometime when you talk to tell him you want to send him an email about how you're feeling right now as a submissive. Don't bring up potential solutions, leave that to him. This is the part that hit me hard. Telling him how she's feeling as a submissive could in fact burden him further, since at the top of this thread she's pretty much miserable from a BDSM perspective. He doesn't need to hear that. Also, you said to leave solutions to him. So - dodging bullets and trying to make the world safe, and also trying to reach around the world and solve her problems, too. Give the guy a break. Seriously. I've never heard one of my friends over there with a SO here that has said: "Gee, I know things are hard there, and it's really great that she's open and honest in her communications with me, so I know exactly what's going on." To a man, without exception, either I hear that they're happy their SOs are doing well and managing okay - they know they're missed and loved, but that the ones they love so much are okay. OR I hear how miserably unhappy and powerless they feel, because the ones they love are suffering without them, having a hard time, and they can't do anything to make it better. smilezz has it right. (Also, I'm not trying to be hateful - but I have a lot of friends over there, I've talked to them while their girls are making their lives hell, and I'd hate to see yet another hardworking Soldier go through the same shit as too many others.)

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