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RE: question - 12/3/2007 5:37:38 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Treasure3

IrishMist, please feel free.  My profile is hidden, but email will still come through I believe.

I did

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(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: question - 12/3/2007 5:39:54 AM   
GabrielleSlave


Posts: 616
Joined: 9/20/2007
From: in servitude
Status: offline 		Oh hun, i think just by asking this question on here, that you have already made your mind up.  As painful as this is, you have to now believe that you are worth more than this relationship is giving you and be strong enough to end it.  Whether or not you are strong enough is something only you are able to say, but if this is making you as unhappy as you sound, then you will be giving yourself the biggest present by doing so.  you need a relationship (vanilla or bdsm) to make you feel ten feet tall, beautiful, strong and powerful.  This is true whether you are slave or Master, my Master makes me feel this way even in the depths of utter pain and humiliation....

i wish you all the love and luck with this

Gabrielle xxxxx 

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Slave to Master Slayer

~ Host of the Rather Marvelous Greenwich Munch ~

"There is no such thing as liberty. You only change one sort of domination for another. All we can do is to choose our master."
D. H. Lawrence

(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: question - 12/3/2007 5:42:58 AM   
Treasure3


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Gabrielle, thank you for the kind words.

(in reply to GabrielleSlave)
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RE: question - 12/3/2007 5:48:15 AM   
Sabella


Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline 		He may not be aware that there is a problem at all, have you talked about this before? I'd lay it out in a calm but clearly worded conversation how you're feeling that all the traveling on your side is no longer fair. Maybe he could make the effort to come your way every other time in the future? also TELL HIM how you feel when you know he is close and doesn't come by. He may be thinking it's no big deal otherwise.

Because I don't think that him ponying up more cash to ease the burden on the travel is the problem. The problem is your expended time and energy is greater than his and you're starting to resent it and thereby feel devalued. That is the problem, or one of them.


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“The giant Grof was hit in one eye by a stone,
and that eye turned inward so that it looked into his mind and he died of what he saw there.”
From The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip

(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: question - 12/3/2007 5:53:42 AM   
Jayxkes


Posts: 138
Joined: 7/8/2004
Status: offline 		I've not really got much to add to what has already been said,  though I am sure that in his place I'd want to make the most of any opportunity.

I do understand that sometimes business trips can run on into the evenings etc. and getting away isn't always as easy as it might seem.  That said,  I'd be inclined to add an extra day to my trip or at least meet up for a coffee and lunch.

I guess you'll already have gone,  either way I have my fingers crossed it's a good visit and things get a whole lot better for you,  whatever way you need to go.

(in reply to Sabella)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: question - 12/3/2007 5:56:24 AM   
Treasure3


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Yes, it isn't the money.  It is that I feel I am putting out more effort than he is.  He is never ready when I get to his house, and there are no plans or anything when I get there.  Like Knite64 said, he had days organised when his sub visited.  I'm just feeling like he doesn't really value me right now, I guess.

(in reply to Sabella)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: question - 12/3/2007 6:03:56 AM   
Treasure3


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Jayxkes,  Thanks for the good thoughts.  I haven't gone yet and don't know if I will. 

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: question - 12/3/2007 6:40:15 AM   
TethersEnd


Posts: 102
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline 		I've found when conversation is strained there is usually something that is being danced around and not clearly said. 
Find simple words that leave no misunderstanding of what your saying, be prepaired to hear it doesnt sound very Sub like but say them anyway and stay on task until you have a clear answer.  You've not mentioned if you have forwarned him that you are not comming.   Action without words will only leave more questions in the air, I would suggest finding those simple words and soon. 

(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: question - 12/3/2007 8:48:26 AM   
lanie38


Posts: 120
Joined: 9/14/2007
Status: offline 		Sounds to me like you've answered all your questions...lots of pretty obvious red flags...just my 2 cents..

~lanie

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RE: question - 12/3/2007 6:50:40 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I can understand your feelings on the issue, but frankly it sounds like this really is the best way for things to go.  I'm not sure why you guys haven't worked to live closer if you want to make this a permanent deal, but if he'd have to spend a hotel to be with you, and you never ask "hey, can I come to town and we'll have lunch together?" then it's a situation of everyone's making.

How often do you actually just spend a few days together hanging out, doing chores, cleaning up, and fixing stuff around the house together?

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to lanie38)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: question - 12/3/2007 6:59:39 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Treasure3

I'm supposed to leave tomorrow morning to go see him for a few days, but I am not looking forward to it like I should.  I have been thinking of reasons to not go. 

The only thing about him coming to visit me is that he would have to get a hotel room.  That is why I haven't pushed that issue.  But, his trips near me without even making a few minutes to see me really hurt.  It wouldn't cost him a dime more.  Still, with as much as it costs me to go see him, it seems only fair that once in a while he could splurge and get a room and come see me.


He doesn't have to get a hotel room to have lunch, go window shopping, grab coffee or spend time with you that doesn't involve sex.  You of course are not wrong for how you feel, it's how you feel afterall.  Everyone gets busy with life.  However, making time for someone that is a priority is important and really necessary for the relationship.

If you haven't talked to him about it, try to.  However, it seems from your posts that you are really asking do I have to accept less and no, you do not.  I'm pretty certain if a sexual partner of mine told me that he couldn't see me when he was in the area because he didn't want to put miles on his car that would really be all the indication I would need to make a decision to terminate the relationship as that priority should never be greater than an intimate partner.


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I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: question - 12/3/2007 7:11:59 PM   
Treasure3


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I HAVE called him up to say I'd be coming near him and would love to see him for a little while.  I can't imagine NOT doing so if I was going to be anywhere close to where he lives.  And, I have made it clear the other times his travels brought him near to me that I would be more than willing and happy to come and meet him where ever just to see him.

As for spending time around the house, chores, grocery shopping, whatever, we do that every time I visit him.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: question - 12/3/2007 7:14:16 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		But you're being vague.  Try "Hey, do you feel like meeting at Matt's Pizza place at about 12 for lunch tomorrow?"  If he says that's a bad time, ask him what would be a good time.

What has he said when you've told him how frustrated you get when he comes close but you can't have lunch together?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: question - 12/3/2007 7:23:11 PM   
Treasure3


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		He said how sorry he is and then proceeds to tell me all the reasons it wasn't a good time... he had dinner with clients, was running late to a meeting, had to get back home.  It was a list of excuses, all things that sound nice, but don't ring true.  Fine, he had dinner with clients, couldn't he meet me for coffee for a few minutes either before or after?  And he is ALWAYS running late, so why would taking five minutes for a quick hug be a problem? 

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: question - 12/3/2007 7:24:28 PM   
Treasure3


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Good idea about being more direct with him, saying would you like to meet at a certain time at a certain place.  I will keep that in mind.  Thanks.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: question - 12/3/2007 7:24:46 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Ahhh always running late- if it's part of who he is, then adding things on simply makes it stressful.

So how does he respond when you tell him that you feel that those are merely excuses but don't feel true to you?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: question - 12/3/2007 7:36:48 PM   
Treasure3


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		He just said how sorry he was that I felt hurt.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: question - 12/3/2007 7:38:42 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		And then???

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: question - 12/3/2007 7:40:08 PM   
Treasure3


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		And then he had to go and said he would call me back later tonight.  His usual way of getting out of resolving a discussion.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: question - 12/3/2007 7:43:48 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		OK good. 

So you either accept that he will never actually deal with solving a relationship problem, is quite content to have things like they are forever and ever because he's getting exactly what he wants without any sort of real change or responsibility on his part (which is fine really), you could really try pushing the issue and say "I really need to work out some actions for us to work together better so we can be fulfilled" and see if he actually nudges a bit, you could pray that lightning strikes and he becomes a new person, or you realize this isn't working for you and end it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 40
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