Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: question


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: question Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: question - 12/3/2007 7:46:49 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Sorry OP, but he sounds like a selfish ass. As women, we all know the truth but are often afraid to face it; when a man is totally into you, he will crawl across broken glass to be with you. I have had partners fly across the country from business trips in storms just to be with me and then, like you, I had partners who lived 24 miles away give me bullshit excuses.

Take all these red flags and your internal feelings of feeling devalued and see it for what it is; he is just not that into you. Sorry, we all have to face crap like this sometimes in our lives.

And I will tell you this from first hand experience; if he says he will call you back later to get out of a discussion, that is a bad sign and a sign that his communication style is incompatible with yours.

Take this however you like, I am being honest.

(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: question - 12/3/2007 7:49:45 PM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline 		Treasure, I was going to email you on the other side, but couldn't figure out how to do that with your profile hidden so I'll just respond here.

You and I corresponded last spring when I posted about some issues I had with my former master.  Looking at the threads you've started in that time, and from what I remember about our private correspondence, I'd say that you and I suffer from a similar delusion about our relationships..... only you actually got more time with yours than I ever did with mine.

I am now with a dominant who makes me realize how foolish I was in accepting the farce of a relationship I had with my former master. 

I think you are like I was...... holding onto the familiar and making excuses for his behavior, but deep down inside you know the answers to the questions you ask.  Coming here and hoping to find some magic answer that makes it all make sense, when it never will.  I did that over and over and over again.

My former master is not a bad man or even a bad dominant.  He just wasn't the right man or dominant for me.  I walked away, and I wish I could say I did it in some moment of personal strength, but I didn't.  I did it when a dominant I was friends with looked me in the eye and said, "Monica, you are an amazing and beautiful woman, but you are stupid!  You are pissing away what is right in front of you for a man who is too stupid to see or appreciate what he holds in his grasp." 

I now happily and lovingly kneel at His feet. 

I know the inner turmoil you likely experience every day.  I won't tell you to walk away because that is a decision only you can make, and you'll make it when you're ready. 

Good luck to you.




(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: question - 12/3/2007 7:52:11 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		I'll echo the other thoughts; it sounds like he's perfectly content with your relationship the way it is.  More importantly, it sounds like he's extremely reluctant to change how it's been.  It's never enjoyable to realize "He loves how convenient I am" vice "He loves me."

Some men are terrible communicators, and have zero desire to improve on that.  You're left with the choice to say "I love and take him exactly as he is" or say "I'm not satisfied with this relationship" and start figuring out what you'll need to do, to make yourself happy.  I do strongly suggest you tell him how you feel, and any decisions you've made, to give him the option to change if he wishes.  I warn you strongly against an ultimatum; it's a quick way of ending the relationship on a sour note, and could trigger false promises of hope that could lead to two great months followed by resumption of the 'same old thing.'

Good luck,

Stephan


_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: question - 12/3/2007 9:56:51 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		 i have two former doms that still fly in from a different  country just to see me, even if it's just for five or six hours together before they have to turn around and go back...

i find it hard pressed to believe that the guy you're seeing  can't find a way to get to you if he really wanted to spend time with you!

(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: question - 12/4/2007 1:42:30 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		For that which is truly important, time and money will be found.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: question - 12/4/2007 2:16:06 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		What happens with us sometimes is that we get into relationships based on playing first. We begin to play together, the relationship develops and we begin to look for traditional qualities in the partner. The qualities may not always be there and the relationship may start to suffer as any vanilla one would without the necessary ingredients.

If you play casually, realize that's all it is. If you seek a relationship take the time to learn if the other person is one you would like to be around and trust with your emotions. 

You have qualites you admire in a partner. From what you've said, I think you value being open, candid and easy to talk with. X those off the personality checklist with this guy.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to eyesopened)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: question - 12/4/2007 2:16:28 AM   
PlayfulGoddess


Posts: 66
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline 		 
 
Are you sure he's not seeing someone else when he is Near your place? It seems odd that he could NEVER have bothered to get together with you for even a small break between/after meetings...
 
It sort of sounds like you were more infatuated with him, and for him you are a pleasant diversion--as long as you don't require "TOO MUCH" exertion on his part.

(in reply to eyesopened)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: question - 12/4/2007 5:03:21 AM   
Treasure3


Posts: 94
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

What happens with us sometimes is that we get into relationships based on playing first. We begin to play together, the relationship develops and we begin to look for traditional qualities in the partner. The qualities may not always be there and the relationship may start to suffer as any vanilla one would without the necessary ingredients.

If you play casually, realize that's all it is. If you seek a relationship take the time to learn if the other person is one you would like to be around and trust with your emotions. 

You have qualites you admire in a partner. From what you've said, I think you value being open, candid and easy to talk with. X those off the personality checklist with this guy.


That is exactly what happened.  We met originally just for play.  The "relationship" developed from that, backwards from everything I am used to, and I didn't see, or didn't want to see, anything but the good.  It's sad, but everyone is right.  I'm not happy and not finding things as they are now fulfilling.

I see the value in telling him how I feel, and I probably will try once more, but, honestly, I am tired.  I'm tired of feeding quarters to a broken game. 

I'm sitting at home this morning when I was supposed to be on the rode an hour and a half ago.  He asked a week ago if I was going to have the gas money to get to his house.  I told him no, and he said he would get it to me.  Same conversation last night, with him saying he would Western Union it to me.  Nothing.  He'll say he forgot.  I'm sick of hearing that!  I need to wake up and realize if he REALLY wanted to see me as badly as he says, he wouldn't forget!

It just hurts.  I've tried to be patient and understanding, tried to accept things as they are, but it just isn't working for me.  I need more.  I need at least as much consideration as I give.  I think that may be the heart of my frustration right now.  I let myself start to give more than he did and the relationship got off balance and has been off balance long enough for resentment to set in.

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: question - 12/4/2007 6:10:34 AM   
BRNaughtyAngel


Posts: 1821
Status: offline 		Treasure, you could tell him how you feel... again.  And you could give it one more try..... again.  But do you really expect that anything will change? 

Love yourself enough to make the decision that will put you on the road to finding a fulfilling relationship with someone who really wants to be with you.


(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: question - 12/4/2007 6:21:43 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Treasure3

Yes, communication has been a problem for us for a while now.  He isn't good at giving straight answers to anything. 


Sounds like a "red flag" or "problem" to me.

(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: question - 12/4/2007 6:37:20 AM   
OldBastardly1


Posts: 651
Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline 		you know where this relationship is heading. you have 3 choices.

1. Continue being his convenient toy

2. Wait for him to end it because you can't muster the inner strength to do it. Then you can play the part of the dismissed victim.

3. End it yourself. Then you can hold your head high and feel good about your decision to not be taken advantage of and having enough sense to take action.

< Message edited by OldBastardly1 -- 12/4/2007 6:38:26 AM >

_____________________________

Old Bastard

"You cannot make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?" -- Bob Moawad



(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: question - 12/4/2007 8:48:53 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Next time he wants to see you, tell him it's his turn to travel. If he really wants to be with you, he'll make the effort. Otherwise, you know you aren't a priority to him. He's happy enough to be with you when you show up and he can play with no effort. But you aren't important enough to him to be worth the effort. You deserve to be a priority to someone you care about, not just a convenient option.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to batshalom)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: question - 12/4/2007 9:50:39 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Treasure3

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

What happens with us sometimes is that we get into relationships based on playing first. We begin to play together, the relationship develops and we begin to look for traditional qualities in the partner. The qualities may not always be there and the relationship may start to suffer as any vanilla one would without the necessary ingredients.

If you play casually, realize that's all it is. If you seek a relationship take the time to learn if the other person is one you would like to be around and trust with your emotions. 

You have qualites you admire in a partner. From what you've said, I think you value being open, candid and easy to talk with. X those off the personality checklist with this guy.


That is exactly what happened.  We met originally just for play.  The "relationship" developed from that, backwards from everything I am used to, and I didn't see, or didn't want to see, anything but the good.  It's sad, but everyone is right.  I'm not happy and not finding things as they are now fulfilling.

I see the value in telling him how I feel, and I probably will try once more, but, honestly, I am tired.  I'm tired of feeding quarters to a broken game. 

I'm sitting at home this morning when I was supposed to be on the rode an hour and a half ago.  He asked a week ago if I was going to have the gas money to get to his house.  I told him no, and he said he would get it to me.  Same conversation last night, with him saying he would Western Union it to me.  Nothing.  He'll say he forgot.  I'm sick of hearing that!  I need to wake up and realize if he REALLY wanted to see me as badly as he says, he wouldn't forget!

It just hurts.  I've tried to be patient and understanding, tried to accept things as they are, but it just isn't working for me.  I need more.  I need at least as much consideration as I give.  I think that may be the heart of my frustration right now.  I let myself start to give more than he did and the relationship got off balance and has been off balance long enough for resentment to set in.


While I agree starting off a relationship sexually can define the relationship.  Most people have the maturity to address and assess the concerns and emotions of their partners.  It would appear that seems to be lacking in this gentleman. 

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: question - 12/4/2007 12:25:27 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OldBastardly1

you know where this relationship is heading. you have 3 choices.

1. Continue being his convenient toy

2. Wait for him to end it because you can't muster the inner strength to do it. Then you can play the part of the dismissed victim.

3. End it yourself. Then you can hold your head high and feel good about your decision to not be taken advantage of and having enough sense to take action.


Sad as it is, I agree with this and much of what else has been noted on here...including your own feelings regarding this gentleman (?) and where he is headed with this.  I have had relationships develop from playing on the first meet but as I've noted, and others have also, there was also a great deal of communication before that first meet and it had to do with other things besides D/s and BDSM.  No relationship can sustain itself...and no relationship between two or more people can sustain itself when all are not putting forth their best efforts.  The only caution or caveat I would add is to always remind yourself that you cannot expect others to behave as you would...but I would also add this to that:  while you cannot expect others to behave as YOU would, you do have a right to sit down and decide what you would be happy with in terms of their behavior towards, and treatment of, you.

(in reply to OldBastardly1)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: question - 12/4/2007 2:59:45 PM   
subrdn8


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Treasure3

He often talks about coming to see me, and I am always happy and receptive, but it hasn't happened yet.  The trip is too long.  He doesn't like to be in a car for that long.  He is too busy.  He doesn't want to put that many miles on his car.  I've heard all kinds of "reasons". 

At the beginning of the relationship, we talked about sharing travel.  In the past six months, he has been helping by giving me gas money (before that I footed the entire cost), but, between sitter and tolls, plus wear and tear and repairs to my car, I still pay more towards the trips than he does.  I'm just feeling... I don't know how to describe it... taken advantage of?  Maybe that isn't the right way of putting it, but it just doesn't feel good.


If this weren't a D/s relationship would you consider these circumstances to be 'ok'? 

If not, then they aren't in a D/s context either.


_____________________________

'always pleased to serve'

(in reply to Treasure3)
Profile   Post #: 55
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: question Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078