Need support

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Treasure3 -> Need support (12/4/2007 1:25:55 PM)
I was supposed to go see my Dom this morning. He knew a week ago I didn't have the money to make the trip and he said he would get it to me. (For six months now, our arrangement was that he would give me gas money and I would pay for my sitter and tolls.) Usually, I would just get the gas money from him when I got there but this time I didn't have it before hand. Last night, we talk and he again says he will Western Union me the money. I was supposed to leave at 6:30 this morning. No money. He called at 7:30, and I was, honestly, ticked off and didn't answer. He left a message saying it was just his usual morning call. He called again at 8, 9, and 10. I didn't answer any of them because, quite frankly, I was angry to be left hanging, waiting on him to do what he promised, and I was already embarrassed about not having enough money to make the trip to start with, so the thought of having to remind him AGAIN was just humiliating. It isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened. At 11, he texts me to say he has sent the money. Finally, after he sent a message saying he was worried that something might have happened, I called to let him know I was ok. I told him I was angry. He said he was sorry that I was angry, but that he didn't know what to say and that he had to go and would call me later. He added, right before he hung up, that when he screws up he really screws up. For those of you who have read my post on the General BDSM discussion board and have posted, I am trying to be strong. I love him, but I don't want to be taken for granted and treated like this any more. My time is valuable too and this was just a blatent disregard for that. Like I said in the other thread, it feels like he doesn't value me much at all. I don't know how to be as strong as many of you. I hate the thought of hurting anyone, and I know he will act hurt, and it is going to take all my resolve not to cave and soothe his feelings. If anyone has any words of wisdom on how to not give in, please share them. I know it sound silly to be asking for that, but I know myself well enough to know what my weaknesses are, and this is one of them. Also, what would you make of his comments this afternoon? I know the whole thing about expectations, but I was just stunned that he didn't even apologize, except to say he was sorry that I was angry. Thanks for listenening. I just need some support to follow through on my decision. If I can make it through today and tonight, I know I will be fine.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 1:58:21 PM)
Treasure, I did not read your other post in its entirety because it is not something I personally relate to in my mindset. I drive to see my Master, because I am the slave, and I do the work whenever possible. He sometimes assists me financially, he sometimes does not. I no longer ask him, I do what I must to see him and serve him. On rare occasion he comes to town here (we are 2 hours away), and when he does, it's usually for a conference or the like. I am, however, typically allowed to see him on those trips. Only once has he come here (in over 3 years) of his own accord, to see me. In the situation you described above, my Master would never tolerate such games as ignoring his calls. If I am upset, I am required to tell him so, and tell him why, in a calm, respectful, well thought out and rational manner. If I am unable to so do calmly, then I ask for time to process my thoughts and think on it. I never ignore him! He, on the other hand, has every right to disregard me if he so chooses. Especially if I am behaving in a way that is totally inappropriate. I think you should calm yourself, ask yourself if you truly wish to serve him, and if so, under what stipulations. Then you can have a conversation with him and lay out your rules. If he agrees to them, enjoy. If not, you will have to make some decisions about your relationship. If you choose to compromise yourself, then you can no longer complain about such things. If you choose not to, you will leave the relationship. This is not an easy situation, by any means, but you are at a cross roads and it is time to decide what to do.

bandit25 -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 2:02:09 PM)
That's prolly the absolute best advice I've ever read here.

MistressPav -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 2:09:22 PM)
When I schedule time with my sub, that sub is my priority. D/s situations still require common courtesy on both sides. If Dom said he is going to do something, he should do it and not act stupid like he doesnt' know what is wrong. If this is not the first time this has happened, it seems to me as though you have some decisions to make. Best of grace to you!

AquaticSub -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 2:18:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Treasure3 Also, what would you make of his comments this afternoon? I know the whole thing about expectations, but I was just stunned that he didn't even apologize, except to say he was sorry that I was angry. Thanks for listenening. I just need some support to follow through on my decision. If I can make it through today and tonight, I know I will be fine. Owners are not perfect. Neither are submissves/slaves. I don't know why on earth you ignored his calls. How is he supposed to know he fucked up if you can't be bothered to tell him? When Valyraen screws up and hurts me it tends to be something similar to this - he just forgot something that was important to me. When we first got together we had plans to go out. He called to cancel as he had forgotten to do something that he could have accomplished very easily earlier in the day - instead he had spent the day gaming. I told it made me feel pretty damn unimportant that he couldn't be bothered to check what he needed to do that day in order to go out before he started gaming. He considered it, admitted that he had fucked up, apologized and made room in his schedule to finish the task the next day and took me out. I was content to stay in and go out the next day so he could finish but that was his way of making it right. Your dominant screwed up, but you really didn't give him much of a chance to make it right. By the time you answered the phone he was probably annoyed that you were giving him the cold shoulder. My advice would to be to worry less about "giving in" and more about talking with him about how to avoid this in the future. We've come to the conclusion that I just have to beat Valyraen over the head until he understands how important something is to me. It used to bother me but... feh. I love him. I got over it.

sexyred1 -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 3:08:41 PM)
Treasure, I am going to say one thing to you..you are going to read all different types of advice coming from various people according to their individual perspectives. Just as you did on your other thread. I could say tell your Dom to fuck off since he is selfish and uncommunicative and passive/aggressive, which I think he is. Someone above me could say you should be doing all the work since you are a submissive. Both suggestions are valid, for each of US. Only YOU can decide what it is that will make YOU happy, not any of us. YOU already know the answer, you just do not want to face it. Nothing here is going to change and the definition of insanity is changing nothing and expecting a different outcome.

lockmeupplease -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 3:15:14 PM)
First of all, I think that the other posters have all given great advice. There is a recurring theme on these forums of people (usually subs/slaves) who feel thay have been badly treated by their dominant outside of the realm of a "scene". The bottom line is that the same courtesies and lines of communications that apply to "vanilla" relationships also need to apply to D/s relationships. "Dominant" is not a title to hide behind when you do something thoughtless, and being submissive is not an excuse not to speak your mind when there is a reasonable concern you have about the relationship. If you can't communicate, you're relationship is doomed to fail. OK, ok--I'm off my soapbox.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 3:41:33 PM)
I would kick your sorry ass to the curb as an ungrateful little princess. Are you a prostitute that you can get pissy if the money doesn't arrive? You can't pull your shit together enough to come up with it but someone he should never have the same issue? Then being all pissy and not taking his calls rather than working TOGETHER to fix the problem? My woman is my partner, my PARTNER against the world not against each other. Imagine if you had taken that first call, dealt with the money issue, ie, it will be in at 10 or lets split it, or lets do it next week, etc and then got back to LOVING/CARING for each other. Relationships are not zero sum games where you are pitted against each other, or at least they shouldn't be. Pull your head out of your ass, become a self sufficient adult and deal with YOUR side of this problem and WORK with him to deal with his. (Felt a bit like ol' CrappyDom today...)

sexyred1 -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 3:46:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael I would kick your sorry ass to the curb as an ungrateful little princess. Are you a prostitute that you can get pissy if the money doesn't arrive? You can't pull your shit together enough to come up with it but someone he should never have the same issue? Then being all pissy and not taking his calls rather than working TOGETHER to fix the problem? My woman is my partner, my PARTNER against the world not against each other. Imagine if you had taken that first call, dealt with the money issue, ie, it will be in at 10 or lets split it, or lets do it next week, etc and then got back to LOVING/CARING for each other. Relationships are not zero sum games where you are pitted against each other, or at least they shouldn't be. Pull your head out of your ass, become a self sufficient adult and deal with YOUR side of this problem and WORK with him to deal with his. (Felt a bit like ol' CrappyDom today...) SimplyMichael, I am not defending her because I gave her advice twice already, but if you read her other thread you would have read that she tried to talk to him and he always backs off from communication even after 18 months.

Najakcharmer -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 3:55:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Are you a prostitute that you can get pissy if the money doesn't arrive? You can't pull your shit together enough to come up with it but someone he should never have the same issue? It would work the same way regardless of who the dom was and who the sub was, or what gender they were. One person made the promise that he would pay gas expenses, and asked the other person to come, knowing she did not have the money and could not make the trip unless he kept his word. The person who made the promise failed to keep the promise. I don't know what the respective financial situations are here. If he was too broke to come up with gas money, he needed to be honest with her about it before she made her plans, took time off, hired a babysitter, etc. Oh, and the next time you tell a single mom that she doesn't have her shit together because she can't afford to bear all of the expenses for travel on top of paying a babysitter, I sincerely hope that the magic wish fairy turns you into one for a year so that you can get an idea what it's like trying to raise ums, hold a job and have any time, energy or money left over for yourself with no one else's help.

Stephann -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 3:59:34 PM)
Hiya red, that's why I advised her in the beginning that she needs to decide to accept him as he is, or let go. Treasure, You know what sort of man he is. You know how happy he does (and doesn't) make you. It sounds like you have more than enough issues to face in your life at the moment, and perhaps someone either more local, or just taking a few months to focus on you is in order. You have to weigh the frustrations of how he is now, with the frustrations you'll face without him (lonliness, having to meet new people, etc.) Change is hard; you have to decide if it's worth the potential reward. Stephan

sexyred1 -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 4:01:39 PM)
right on Stephan, you always tell it like it and I hope she listens.

MistressGayle -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 4:04:34 PM)
First and foremost, YOU are a MOTHER, you need to do right by your UMs and yourself -- this lazy asshole, with whom there was an arrangement for funds as he KNOWS you don't have extra funds to share due to having UMs to care for, is telling you that he is either tired of the arrangement, or is still just playing. Dump his sorry ass and move on to find a REAL man. You are not a sorry ungrateful princess! Atleast "I" can read your entire message dear! You deserve BETTER no matter if you are a slave or sub. ALL MY slaves know they are a priority for ME and that it is MY OBLIGATION, RESPONSIBILITY, and LOVING DUTY to care for THEM; to be sure they have all they need. Basic respect and consideration crosses ALL lines -- D/s, vanilla, whatever. If this moron can't give you that, then another reason to boot his sorry ass. Stay strong and healthy in body and mind for your UMs. No alleged "dom" is worth this kind of crap. You have done the right thing. Don't cave in!!!!! Your head is NOT up your ass, your head is right on your shoulders where it should be -- thinking straight and logical about all of this. Don't listen to those who would put you down for standing up for yourself. Some of us read the part where you said the "money deal" was taken care of months ago! This loser just doesn't want to do the deal any more.... You just take care of YOU. The right one will step up to the plate in due time. and... anyone who would so harshly criticize a single mother for not having the funds MUST be a dumbass himself!!!

SimplyMichael -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 4:10:37 PM)
Najak, Having an issue with a partners pattern is one thing, I was responding to her response to a specific incident. Did she work with him? Did you try and find a solution with him? Did her actions make the problem better? Nope So we can berate him for not having money but she gets not just a free ride but gets to stand on a high horse and bitch about it? Nope Do either of these people have a good partner and or is either partner being a good partner to the other? Nope

SimplyMichael -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 4:16:20 PM)
Oh I just LOVE hypocrites.... quote: You must be able to get here; I do not fund transportation of any kind. If you don't have the funds to get here just wait; get yourself together, and make the plan MistressGale, I recomend moving out of glass houses before I turn it into a urinal, or cast a stone or whatever you are supposed to do to hypocrites who live in glass houses.

MistressGayle -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 4:31:57 PM)
It's Mistress Gayle to you. Another case of not being able to read correctly. You are some piece of work. I set out My agreement on that right up front you doofus! I didn't CHANGE THE DEAL. You are one sorry dom.... Shoo!

windchymes -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 4:43:49 PM)
What I hear is that the Domly One promised to send her money a week ago.....the night before, he still hasn't sent it, even though she's supposed to leave at 6:30 a.m. She has to repeatedly remind him....yet, he calls her an hour AFTER she is supposed to have left.....then repeatedly every hour after that.....finally, wires the money AT 11:00. It's not about the money, it's about making a promise and living up to it, and being responsible. Why does being the Domly One excuse him from that, and she's the "bad guy" for being pissed about being let down yet again? His only reply is that he's sorry she's mad, and gee, when he screws up, he really screws up bad. Pul-leeze. Frankly, after 18 months of irresponsibility and letdowns, I'd dump his ass, too. And have.

MistressGayle -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 5:00:55 PM)
treasure: Did you actually get the money, or just a text saying he sent it? windchymes: Only the truly strong in heart and mind can be true slaves/subs -- you have My warmest wishes [:)]

Stephann -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 5:06:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressGayle Some of us read the part where you said the "money deal" was taken care of months ago! This loser just doesn't want to do the deal any more.... You just take care of YOU. The right one will step up to the plate in due time. Hi Gayle, The money deal was he gives her money, when she arrives. She's asking for the money up front. He agreed to send it, and didn't; that's his bad (though it was obviously sent before she had to actually leave.) The real issue here, is she has come to a crossroads, and instead of making a choice, she's decided to sit on the corner to think about it. That's hardly his fault she can't make a snap decision, especially if she refuses to communicate with him. You're right on one count though; she needs to be taking care of herself. Personally, I think the criticism is justified; if she can't afford gas to go see her boyfriend, her children should be coming first, anyway. Raising children should come before personal enjoyment (though obviously some balance needs to be struck here.) By all accounts, it seems she simply can't afford to remain in the relationship she's in, financially. Until she's stable and on her own two feet, she should probably be shelving the boyfriend. It's not a question of her head in her ass, it's a question of wrapping her head and heart around a situation of her own creation, and having to decide which direction to go. Stephan

MistressGayle -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 5:15:39 PM)
The criticizm is not justified: He knew a week ago she didn't have the funds and SAID he'd get it to her. He lied. The comment about her having her head up her ass was from someone else; I made a point of telling her it wasn't a true statement. She's doing what she should do -- stop and think about it. Not make a snap decision. She's smart. She does have the money to go see her bf if he continued to adhere to his new agreement. HE changed the agreement and lied about it. She seems to be in the process of "wrapping her head and her heart" around a situation that was mutually created! I would assume that's her reasoning for starting the thread??

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