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I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 3:50:43 AM

Moghedien

Posts: 8
Joined: 12/1/2007
Status: offline

This is my first post, and I thank you all for the education I've gotten from reading all of yours while lurking silently in your forum. ;) I am 27, I've been married for 7 years. I've always felt something was missing, while I love my husband, and consider him my best friend, the passion and satisfaction I needed hasn't been there.
I think on some level, I've always known about my submissive nature, mostly because of the things that have always turned me on, and the things I've thought about. I recently met someone on an online game, of all places, and something he said led me to question him about the BDSM lifestyle. We talked, about that, about other things, about life in general. I finally admitted that I had feelings for him, in every way possible. We made arrangments to meet, and did, the weekend after Thanksgiving, which gave me my first submissive experience. I don't think I really knew until then how much I needed it. It left me confused, and wanting more, and totally in love, in every way possible.
So my question is this....is there a chance that I should give that up, and stay, and try to make my life work with a husband who I love, but knowing he'll never be what I need? Because I think that if he can't be what I need, he deserves someone who gets that from him. And that would mean giving up this new man who does give me that. Either way is going to hurt like hell.

< Message edited by Moghedien -- 12/5/2007 3:51:19 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 4:01:51 AM

LittleWench

Posts: 265
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline

Greetings Mog :)

I don't like making choices like that, I am a firm believer of having my cake and eating it too! :)

I have a husband I have been partnered with for 10 years now. He is my best friend, the kindest man I have ever known, gentle and compassionate, sweet and understanding, and he would do anything to make me happy. Anything except dominate me, he is a submissive soul, and if I just had it in me to be his Domme I think we would live happily ever after ;)

Hubby and I are both regular online gamers, and as we both started meeting people online, interesting people, sexy people, enticing people we started talking about our relationship and we decided we were both comfortable with an open marriage.

When I first met my Owner he was dominant even though I hadn't given any sign that I would be his submissive, it was just his nature to take control. Our regular sex was rough, kinky, absolutely incredible, like nothing I had ever experienced... and it wasn't just a physical experience, it shook me to the core, and like you I was left very confused.

Luckily I don't have to choose... these two incredible men have completely different roles in my life and I am lucky enough to be able to have every aspect of who I am recognized and nurtured. If I had to choose... well I have a son with my husband and I would probably choose to shut down, turn off any feelings and needs I have in the BDSM regard, and go back to dying a little bit each day choking down my mediocrity.

My first question to you is, have you spoken to your husband about your BDSM desires. Do you know for a fact he cannot fill that role for you, or are you assuming?

(in reply to Moghedien)

Post #: 2

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 4:15:34 AM

Moghedien

Posts: 8
Joined: 12/1/2007
Status: offline

I haven't actually sat down and talked to him, no. I've brought it up in ways that let me know where he stands without coming right out and asking, and while he may be open to the idea, it isn't actually who he is, and I think he would always be trying. That isn't fair to him, nor is it what I need.
I would LOVE to have my cake and eat it too. lol But I don't think I can, in this situation. The idea of an open relationship is appealing, and I understand that it works for a lot of people. I don't think it does, for me. For one thing, we kind of tried that once. We had a couple who were our really good friends, and we set limits, and rules...he broke them, along with her. And in general, it isn't something I'm happy with, I want a monogamous relationship. I can see how that would be a great solution, and I'm sure it's amazing for some, but for me, I think it's one or the other.

(in reply to LittleWench)

Post #: 3

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 4:35:15 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

You met a guy on line and had sex with him the first meeting and now your in love. Give your hubby a break and divorce him.

(in reply to Moghedien)

Post #: 4

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 4:38:08 AM

Moghedien

Posts: 8
Joined: 12/1/2007
Status: offline

A bit degrading and blunt...but thank you for the reply.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 5

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 4:48:29 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

It was not ment to be degrading. Why beat around the bush.

(in reply to Moghedien)

Post #: 6

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 4:51:03 AM

Moghedien

Posts: 8
Joined: 12/1/2007
Status: offline

In that case...maybe you're right. I'm sorry, maybe it was my sensitivity that made it feel degrading.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 7

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 5:02:56 AM

caught4u

Posts: 132
Joined: 5/25/2007
Status: offline

i wouldn't apologize for your feelings. if it felt degrading then it was, whether it was meant to be or not.

_____________________________

"Be Yourself - Everyone Else is Taken"

~owned by Master of Wind~

(in reply to Moghedien)

Post #: 8

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 5:13:05 AM

LittleWench

Posts: 265
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline

So it seems then you have to decide between the vanilla cake, or the devil food cake!

Despite your hints I believe that you should still have the heart to heart with hubby. Even if he can't fulfill your desires he at least deserves to know that you have them and be given the opportunity to discuss it with you.

(in reply to Moghedien)

Post #: 9

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 5:15:44 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Well Moggs, you've pretty much blown this out the door already, so you are left with whether or not you do the right thing from where you find yourself.......

Talk ----really Talk.......I mean Talk.....to the hubby........everybody come to jesus, clear the plate of whatever and go thru the weekend, don't start the motherfucker 15 minutes before he goes to work.

Otherwise, Dynomar is on, kick the sissy bitch to the curb and go for the sex.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to caught4u)

Post #: 10

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 5:17:08 AM

MissSCD

Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

You screwed up if you want to keep your husband. Since you have already admitted to an affair on a internet site that hosts nearly 60,000 people, you need to really sit down and decide what you want to do next.
If you stay in that marriage, you need to come forward and be a woman instead of lying to him and admit what you did. Go to counseling if he agrees, and stay the heck out of the lifestyle.
Cheating in a marriage destorys people's identy, morale, heart, family, and everything else.
I agree. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. What you are doing is lying to youself.

Regards, MissSCD

(in reply to caught4u)

Post #: 11

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 5:25:35 AM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

Dear Moghedien. i was exactly in that position 10 years ago. me and my ex wife where together for a total of 14 years.. Our separation was very painful but after 3 months of mourning my ex wifes loss i woke up one day a new man.. Relieved of the guilt i was hiding from her for years... It wasn't fair to her what i was doing (neglecting her and not satisfying her the way she wanted) so she took the brave decision to break up. i am divorced now for that long still single as she is and we are still friends.. i helped her out a few times she needed and i come to realize why she left me.. (she just wasn't part of the furniture) it is not fair for both parties to hide there sexuality and deprive themselves from there real life and personality.. You may hide for some time but eventually if you folks don't talk about it and find a solution i hate to give you the sad news.. Take care, and good luck, and remember always "COMMUNICATE" and let each other know if you are really honest with each other..

< Message edited by petpete -- 12/5/2007 5:29:31 AM >

_____________________________

Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!

(in reply to LittleWench)

Post #: 12

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 5:32:20 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

Before you jump out of the frying pan, Mog, keep in mind that the fire (although pretty) comes with its own set of circumstances. It seems you've made up your mind and you want us to agree with you, but you owe your husband of seven years a sit-down to tell him what you need (and tell him clearly, not the "I've given him hints" thing, which isn't communication.) The man may have no idea what you want. You haven't been overly respectful to someone you call your best friend.

I'm not getting in on the whole "cheating" debate - I'm not particularly concerned with it one way or another - but I do think you need to clue your husband in to your needs and desires before you take off, and I think you need to do some introspection of your own before you leave your husband for some kinky sex.

What you are experiencing now is sub frenzy and it wears off (or at least wears thin). Basing your decision to leave your husband on something so new is foolhardy ... but ... you will do what you will do, so do it and be at peace with it. Whatever you do, good luck.

(in reply to caught4u)

Post #: 13

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 5:34:46 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

but you should have known by the way I tilted my head to the right that I wanted a dog licking peanut butter style blowjob, don't you remember when I said that I thought it was rather breezy?

Don't you pay attention?

Yeah.......hints don't count as effort.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 14

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 5:43:34 AM

OldBastardly1

Posts: 651
Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline

tsk, tsk, tsk.

As already said....you meet a guy online, you meet once and become his little slut, and now you have decided that you are in love? Give me a break. How old are you? That sounds so adolescent. Why did you marry your husband if you have no avenues of communication? I know several couples who found this lifestyle, and they realized that this was a perfect fit for them, without "trying" to be something that they aren't. I think that you owe hubby the benefit of the doubt, AND he deserves the truth from you. Don't you?

_____________________________

Old Bastard

"You cannot make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?" -- Bob Moawad

(in reply to petpete)

Post #: 15

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 5:48:24 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

To send in another reality grenade, how does the new guy feel about the whole thing? Does HE want you to leave your husband for him, or were you just a diversion for him? And I'm not talking about what he says to you in emails and chat, I mean what is he DOING? Because the overwhelming majority of guys here (meaning online, not necessarily CollarMe alone) fade away after the first real-life encounter. You don't say if he's married or not, but if he is, the odds that he's leaving her for you are slim to none.

Sorry to be so negative, but the boards here speak for themselves. Most guys do not fall in love with someone they met online and met for a one-time bondage boogaloo.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 16

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 6:16:26 AM

havnfun4now

Posts: 8
Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline

First, no one can tell you what you should do. The choice is yours to make and you must live with your choice.

Second, read all you can on sub frenzy. This is the overwhelming desire to experience all this can be...and you want to experience it NOW. The frenzy means that bad choices are sometimes made in order to get that "fix" of experience.

Third...you've chatted with this man online and met him once for sex. Of course the sex was good...was great in fact. It was new and forbidden which makes it exciting. Whether you have found love depends on how you and this man get along with the day to day living of life...not just the sexual part. Does he have habits that you will find annoying? You don't know as you really don't know him all that well.

Let me tell you a story. I met a Dom online. We chatted and got along very well. When he was on business to my area we met for dinner. The electricity between us was WOW!! I'd never experienced anything like it before!! As it was a first meeting we didn't do anything but made arrangements to meet a second time. The second meeting was okay. He was still a very sexy man, however, the electric spark that was there on the first meeting was missing at the second. We remain friends...but just friends. We've both moved on to other partners. I'm a collared sub now. When i met the Dom i'm collared to there were no sparks. We spent time developing a friendship. We developed a mutual respect, a mutual caring, a mutual sharing...and eventually love. I know his quirks, he knows mine and we can live with them.

I could tell you other stories. I know people who have left marriages and gotten divorces to be with someone they fell in love with and enjoyed great sex with. Some of these people made the right choice. Others became disowned by their adult UMs, their families, got dumped by the person they left the marriage for once the divorce was final, and are left empty....with no family and no love.

Whatever you do....make a wise choice based on more than exciting sex. Friendship is important and if your husband is also your best friend you need to share your feelings with him. If you can't share your feelings with your best friend, who else can you really share those feeling with?

(in reply to Moghedien)

Post #: 17

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 6:29:56 AM

MissSCD

Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

Oh my soul, Ron. You are a mess. You want to get married? You keep me laughing. We can share the whip. lol

Regards, MissSCD

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

but you should have known by the way I tilted my head to the right that I wanted a dog licking peanut butter style blowjob, don't you remember when I said that I thought it was rather breezy?

Don't you pay attention?

Yeah.......hints don't count as effort.

Ron

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 18

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 6:49:20 AM

Dari

Posts: 192
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline

This online relationship thing always makes me giggle. I have a lot of people that I met online who are near and dear friends in my life, loved and trusted and a part of my life. The actual percentage of people I meet online though, compared with the number of those who successfully transition to being a long-term real life friend is only a fraction of a percent.

You have two problems, two questions, and you need to resolve them in series, not in parallel.

1) "I love my husband, but the lines of communication between us are so choked right now, that I'm unable to effectively express my needs for our relationship. What do I do?"

Talk to him. No more hinting (as Ron so...graphically demonstrated). People are dense. If your husband means so much to you, then you need to sit him down and talk to him. It's the hardest thing to do, but it's the right one. If he can't deal with it, then divorce him. If he's willing to try to work things out so that you can have your needs met, and he can have his needs met, too, then you decide if you're willing to try to work things out as well.

2) "I met this guy online and it's so hot between us, and I think he might be a great partner and Master for me! Is this for real? Should I pursue this relationship?"

Follow the advice on sub frenzy, please. Don't make decisions in haste that you will swiftly come to regret.

That being said - you're 27. You've been married 7 years, which means you were married at 20. At that age, you were barely grown-up, and certainly your personality hadn't finished growing. Now you have this need - deal with it, but at least have the courtesy and respect for your husband to talk to him about it before dumping him and running off with someone you met online.

(in reply to MissSCD)

Post #: 19

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 7:00:57 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissSCD

Oh my soul, Ron. You are a mess. You want to get married? You keep me laughing. We can share the whip. lol

Regards, MissSCD

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

but you should have known by the way I tilted my head to the right that I wanted a dog licking peanut butter style blowjob, don't you remember when I said that I thought it was rather breezy?

Don't you pay attention?

Yeah.......hints don't count as effort.

Ron

Well the----

I guess I should have known,
by the way you parked your car outside,
and waved,
that it wouldn't last

thingie has already been done to death.

Prince Nelson

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to MissSCD)

Post #: 20

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