AnnabelHell
Posts: 36
Joined: 10/14/2007
From: Columbus, Ohio
Status: offline
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I'd like to bring the discussion back to the proper focus, which is dealing with insecurity and jealousy in a relationship - especially when one has been hurt before and had previous bad experiences that serve to make those feelings worse. Something I think everyone who has ever had a relationship (Top or bottom) can relate to. I don't think this is a discussion about someone asking for help being whiny, or whiny being a reason a submissive might be dumped - which I find entirely inaccurate. So inaccurate that I don't feel like the comment bears responding to at all, other than to be dismissed outright. Which, I am going to do, and you should too.
What I do want to address are the perfectly legitimate and normal feelings kali is having, and how to deal with them in a healthy way.
First of all I want to thank you, kali, for having the guts to ask for help and advice on this topic. It's not easy, and as you see it can open you up to other people being critical of your feelings. I apologize for that and applaud your willingness to share your personal experiences with others. There are countless submissives out there who will identify with how you are feeling, and who have had a hard time dealing with the exact same things. It's very good to share and to help others, and to go to others to find out what the heck to do if you feel like you are floundering on your own. There's no reason you have to deal with this alone, that's why we have community.
I only just recently found the boards here, at a suggestion from someone who read my blog, and I'm so excited to join you. Forgive my late entrance into your discussion, but it's something I have a lot of experience with and I hope I can help, at least a little bit.
Not knowing the context of your relationship I cannot give exact advice but I can give you some opinions about this kind of thing in general.
In life the only thing we can truly control is ourselves and our own behavior. (And, sometimes that isn't so easy even) Trying to control, or predict someone else is futile, and very frustrating. Now, I am not saying you are trying to control your Dominant. I don't believe you are. What I am telling you is that regardless of if he is trustworthy or not, you can't control what will happen and making yourself sick with worry about an event you cannot control the outcome of isn't healthy for you. Learning to let the things go that we cannot control, particularly as a submissive, is very difficult. It's scary, and not very easy to let go of. But, you must realize there are things in this situation you can control to balance the fact that what he does, or might do, or could do, is yet to be determined.
The first thing you can do is try and control your own behavior. Letting it turn into panic and worry. Something that keeps you up all night or makes you continually check a profile, or log-in times - you know this is not healthy for you. As a submissive, particularly if you actually belong to this person, you have a responsibility to care for yourself. No Dominant would want their bottom tearing themselves up so, or losing sleep over what might happen. Not sleeping, the constant worry and checking of profiles is an effort to maintain some control over a situation that can seem a little overwhelming. The first thing you need to worry about is taking care of yourself. Being able to say 'OK Self, this isn't good for us' and stop it. No matter what happens you will be better equipped to deal with it if you've slept and take care of yourself. If you are having a hard time with those things, I suggest you go to your Dominant and ask to talk about the hard time you might be having with things like self discipline.
Which brings me to - talking to your Dominant. You may already have done this but I think, in this case, it is the best thing that you could do. I think it's excellent you sought help and support from others online - but the key thing you need to do here is talk to the HIM in your life. Relationships cannot thrive without communication and he should be open to this from you. If you haven't yet, go to him.
Tell him how you feel. Be honest about how it is affecting you. Tell him of your fear and insecurity. If he is angry or simply brushes you off with an easy answer, there's a warning sign. If he listens to you, and discusses it with you, and is willing to work on your fear with you, then you have your answer. You have to take this to him and give him the chance to work through it with you. A Dominant is a lot of things but we're not always mind-readers. If you don't speak up he may not know anything is wrong.
If you've spoken up and nothing has changed then you have to ask yourself why. Some of it may be you, but he may also not be hearing you, or open to hearing your needs. You have to be able to decide if you are being listened to and cared for in a responsible manner. All you can do is take how you feel, and what you've been doing to him, and give him the opportunity to be the Dom he signed up to be to you. It's his job, and if he cares for you he probably relishes the moment to work something out with you, to make you more his, and deepen the trust between you.
Please stop blaming yourself. This is me, all me. It really isn't you, and all you. Yes, some of it is you, and worry and letting it trouble you too much. Not all of it is though. If your relationship was completely secure you wouldn't be having these issues. Futher even the most secure relationship suffers some insecurity and fear when one, or both the partners are social online with other people. Especially in our lifestyle where everything isn't traditional and monogomous - where many of our relationships are self-defined. It's easy to worry about what could happen to a relationship we care about, and no one wants to lose someone they love.
You obviously love this person and there is no girl in the world in your situation who wouldn't worry, at least a little bit, about 'what if' in this situation. Let's be clear about something though. As women, top or bottom - and even men too - we have a highly developed sense of things. If your gut is telling you something, nagging at you, maybe there's a reason why. I'm not saying something bad is happening, but generally our guts bug us for a reason. Maybe in your case it's simply that you need to talk to your Dominant and get things out in the open. All I am saying is don't disregard what your body and soul tell you. I think we can be insecure and worry. I also think sometimes out gut tells us things that we dismiss because we think we are simply being silly and insecure.
It's hard to tell which. Don't discount that something could be wrong simply because you believe it's just you. I think you may have been there before and ignored what you knew out of love. All you can do, no matter what's going on, is be honest about how you feel and give him a chance to listen and respond to you.
Give them a chance to BE your Dominant. Give up the control and see what they do with it. They will either prove themselves worth your obvious devotion, or not.
If not, you will be hurt, but you will also have a chance to heal and care for what will one day belong to the Dom of your dreams.
If so and he proves himself worthy you've already found your dream and should rejoice.
Either way you won't know unless you go to him and put this ball in his court and trust that no matter what happens you've done the best you can with it.
I think you're obviously a deep, loving girl. No matter how badly things have gone in the past you deserve a good relationship. Don't knock yourself, or put yourself down when you have these feelings. Your vulnerability is real, and natural, and makes you beautiful and any Dominant failing to care for that isn't worth his salt. It is normal for a submissive to have these worries. You are, after all, human. My wish is that he is all you hope and listens to you and creates a situation in which you thrive and are able to learn to trust. Don't torture yourself with it, or let it keep you up at night. Take a deep breath and congratulate yourself on taking the first step to dealing with it.
Merry Christmas, girl.
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RE: How do You get it to stop? - 
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