RE: How to determine the wannabes (Full Version)

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fsub4use -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/15/2007 11:03:14 PM)

You know, people are people... like all relationships, they take work and getting to know each other.  Wannabes - well what is that?  Someone in a different place in the process of becoming something?  Someone who has ideas and desires but isn't ready for or doesn't want action? 

I have one rule I follow with men just generally - my grandma said that if a man tells you he's trustworthy, he probably isn't.  Truly trustworthy men will tell you that it is for YOU to decide.  Same with Doms.  It is for YOU to decide if he is the REAL Dom for you. 

Draw your line in the sand and respect it.

good luck.
peace



rmanrr -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/16/2007 1:00:01 AM)

Greetings
(tongue in cheek cause it is whatever oclock)....now what about those who say don't trust me dammit you will be disappointed if you do....heh heh...do you trust them? perhaps instead you might choose to not believe what they say and pshaw pshaw...no way he is saying the truth there and then trust only to realise the guy was telling the truth!....I know a few people around, at work and in the past....I know they are lieing....how?....because their gums are flapping, lips are tongue are moving and sound is issuing forth in intelligible form from their vocal cords....heh heh.



fsub4use -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/16/2007 4:48:51 AM)

You talking 'bout my grandma?  we gonna hafta get ghetto?
*winks



christine1 -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/16/2007 8:00:47 AM)

i have wondered the same thing.  i'm learning that online and here on collarme.com, the wannabe's seem to be the ones who get mad and lash out at you for not replying to them in the way they want you to.  this is my 2nd time being on collarme.com, this last time for less than 24 hours and i've already been called dumb by a "dominant", all becuase i didn't give him a response he was looking for.  i find that the true dominants are a little more patient, respectful, and understanding.



christine1 -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/16/2007 8:02:29 AM)

not sure where that vanilla came from lol



TMaster2 -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/16/2007 8:22:36 AM)

We're vanilla up until some point when we post enough posts... wish they'd call it something else... lol

for the OP, wannabees are sometimes tryintobees, and that is not bad, just have to be understood for who/what they are.  We all started somewhere, and you have to learn as you go.  So a new person in a Dom role might team up with a new person in the sub role and learn together or otherwise find someone they can "practice" on to get the experience.

On the other hand, there are an extremely large number of so-called doms and masters (not capitalized on purpose) who are just plain crass, brash, overbearing, too macho to really take serious in any role you might meet them under.  These people always think their way is the only way, and they are the most important people in their universe.  Fortunately, these are kinda easy to spot, and although it may be frustrating to find just how many there are, spotting them and ignoring them is a good thing.  Then you can carry on with the real people - be they inexperienced or fully experienced - as you desire.  Sometimes it can be more fun to learn together, if the other chemistry is right, so don't discount the "true" wannabees and tryintobees.  They'll learn, and be good at it, once they get experience.



ImpGrrl -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/16/2007 8:40:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chyanna

Please i need some help here, from All you Masters out there on how to see a fake from a true Master, i am sick of being used as a punch bag


Stop worrying about "real masters" and "fake masters", and learn how to become a good judge of character.



TMaster2 -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/16/2007 8:47:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ImpGrrl
Stop worrying about "real masters" and "fake masters", and learn how to become a good judge of character.


The best advice so far ;)



BOUNTYHUNTER -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/16/2007 8:55:18 AM)

To no one in particular...Its my believe that some girls would continue to question a master  even if he had the heart of a SAINT ,The search for perfection will keep some of theses subs on the sideline for the rest of their lifes..of course this is just the views of this ol' master...bounty



DesFIP -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/16/2007 9:54:06 AM)

You've got it backwards. It isn't that there are so many 'fakes' or 'wannabes' or abusers out there. The problem is why you gravitate towards people who aren't healthy for you. Go solve that and you will magically find you aren't getting into bad relationships again.

Because until you learn how to pick and stay in healthy relationships, the people who want healthy relationships won't want you. Hint; it always comes from family of origin problems, always.



Lureaetagg -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/16/2007 11:49:58 AM)

Heres my advice:
If they begin by demanding you to do things, they are fake
If they don't know safewords they are fake
If they think you shouldn't have a voice they are fake
If they start out by calling you a whore they are fake
And here's the best one
If on there first email they can't take the time to form complete sentences guess what! They are probably fake.



adoracat -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/16/2007 2:56:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BOUNTYHUNTER

To no one in particular...Its my believe that some girls would continue to question a master  even if he had the heart of a SAINT ,The search for perfection will keep some of theses subs on the sideline for the rest of their lifes..of course this is just the views of this ol' master...bounty


Daddy aint perfect, he's just perfect for *me*.  which is what i wanted when i started looking. 

its not about how well the dominant does this or that or the other...its how well the two personalities mesh, how well they fit each other's needs and wants, and how well they can cooperate to make things work together.

kitten, who agrees with Bounty



exquisitefeline1 -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/16/2007 3:33:51 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BOUNTYHUNTER

To no one in particular...Its my believe that some girls would continue to question a master even if he had the heart of a SAINT ,The search for perfection will keep some of theses subs on the sideline for the rest of their lifes..of course this is just the views of this ol' master...bounty






...and a woman or sub should exercise some subjective discernment, perfection is unobtainable, anyone with insight understands this. It is the right balance of certainty, uncertainty, risk, safety, security, insecurity...
a sub doesn't want a doormat that is why she yearns a Dom, she wants to yearn him, but she also wants to know when she needs it, he come through and be the backbone, that he is 100% there and strong.

Determining wannabe's, fakes?
Exercising usual discernment skills, find the PERSON you want, leave the kink out of it, if you are both here or in a fetish club it is reasonable to believe that you are both interested in similar things sexually. It depends what you want... the cheap thrill of a a D/s scene or a deeper connection... if it the thrill, go for the mail that says "Hi i am a Dom (meaning Gorilla) and i want to know if you want to meet up sometime (meaning i want know if you shave your pussy.) Alternatively , go to a safe club and get the experience in a professional environment. If you are looking for something deeper then you can reasonably believe that you can exchange a dozen emails without any kink or sexuality, if you find you still have a million things in common, then you may have made a friend.
The real ones should be just as discerning as you, that is a pretty good indication.



WickedPrince -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/17/2007 4:00:33 AM)

Hm, the last several days have suggested this is a possible sign of a "wannabe:" He insists you show him respect while affording you none.

(for some reason I feel like I'm contributing to a comedy sketch. IE; "He might be a red-neck" replaced with "He might be a wannabe.")

And yes, I tried to post the idea before, that if you assume everyone is a liar up front and that anything they say about themselves is a lie, then how do those who genuinely struggle to be honest prove themselves?

Would it not make sense to assume they are being truthful, and then let them prove through their actions whether they were or not?

If I tell you that I try to always be honest, then what would you assume that means?

To me it means that I believe what I am saying at the time is honest, but that sometimes time proves me wrong.
And in that event, I will usually try to own up to the mistake when I discover it. And note that I said: "When I discover it." Not, when YOU discover it.

Since I recognize that there is no perfection, when somebody says something that claims them to be in some way, I will usually give them the benefit of a doubt about the occaisional mistake. It's when they start to show some consistancy in things that I start to take notice.



DesFIP -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/17/2007 6:30:16 AM)

Actually Bounty, if I was still looking and I met a master who was a saint, I wouldn't be compatible with him and I would turn him down. Why? Because I'm fallible and I need someone who is also and who doesn't demand perfection out of me. By demanding perfection, you are setting people up to fail, because fallible humans aren't perfect. Since I don't go for a punishment dynamic and I have zero respect for those who set others up to fail, a saint is absolutely not what I would choose.

Part of what makes him perfect for me is that he is aware of having feet of clay himself.



LadyHugs -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/17/2007 12:01:24 PM)

Dear chyanna, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
First, I would like to say; that there is a huge difference between a Dominant and a domineering person.  Anybody can be a meanie, bully and a negative pain in the leather pants.
Anybody can be a micro-manager, a nit picker, a control freak and a warden/guard like individual--to me that is not a Dominant in regard to BDSM.
 
Second, you teach people how to treat you.  I personally write down the standards and traits I seek in my other half/partner and or friend.  No such thing as a perfect match but, I can handle a 80% match and there are certain things I will never, ever tolerate period.  This is a no compromise area.  Might be perfect in every which way but, if its a no-go in a no compromise area/no tolerance for area--then they are off my list of consideration.  I also strongly advise to listen to your gut instincts.  If you have a pet--I'd look and listen to their silent assessment of this new person in your life--humans can fool humans but, humans can't fool pets who live with you and know you best.
 
Thirdly, many people come into this lifestyle and or BDSM through porn.  They see a porn film, they read porn books that sex is the selling point and the writer's imagination of what the lifestyle may be--but, it is not so in real time.  Most would end up dead if they lead the life day to day via through porn.  In addition, with porn videos--in speaking to some of the 'actors/actresses'--there is so much editing going on--that is why there seems to be over an hour of steady sex going on.  This, I feel--adds to the problems, as what people see or read, think this is the 'bible' of how things are and or what to tolerate.  Dominance-submission does not have to be brutal, cruel and or put any slave/submissive into an 'it' and or a 'thing' role.  That is great for a pre-negotiated scene that may last no more than a day--not a lifetime.
 
Unfortunately, there are no white knights in this lifestyle and or BDSM.  This is why you, (in general terms) must be your best advocate and protector of your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical realms. 
 
I agree that, no person should feel like a punching bag--if they do not feel it is right for them.  In this adult world there must be choices you make and hopefully the choices you do make are from many hours in research, seeking answers and going to BDSM support and education groups as to arm you with knowledge and independent thinking. 
 
Every single person, to include myself -- at one point was a 'want-to-be.'  What distances me now from a 'want-to-be' is not fooling myself into thinking I know it all and or will ever know it all.  I know a lot and I know I had to personally invest in myself, to acquire all the knowledge and skills I have to date; and which I will add to in the future--  The difference in want-to-be and the negative form of 'wannabes' is that the arrogance, self-importance, self-entitlement have to be set aside as to open the mind, the eyes and not assume and or presume what one sees is safe or not.  Research, asking questions, experimenting and participating in real flesh to flesh moments, in which the enviorment is supportive, safe and positive is the only way I know how to separate who is being real to themselves or just fooling themselves. 
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 



lovingpet -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/17/2007 1:27:36 PM)

Dear one:

I, too, took the time to read your profile and journal in hopes of better understanding you and your situation prior to responding.  It strikes me how familiar those words were to me just a few years ago.  During that time in my life, I apologized for everything about myself, couldn't take a compliment, and really had no clue that I did not deserve mistreatment.  I couldn't even tell the difference between being abused or being in  a healthy relationship.  I could not distinguish boundaries in my own mind that were reasonable and not negotiable.  I was desperate to be in a relationship and did little to make sure it was a relationship worth my involvement.

It took someone willing to invest the time to get to know me and to correct my poor view of myself for me to become a whole person once again.  It is easy to say that you should set standards and know yourself, but when caught in the abuse cycle (which in my humble opinion you are, as one who has been there), violations of common decency become so commonplace that they are no longer recognized as inappropriate.  This is not to say that you have no responsibility for your decisions and the consequences of them.  You have admitted that something is going wrong in your attempts at relationships (vanilla or otherwise, I would imagine) and that you do not want to be treated this way anymore.  Now it is time to take a step back and pursue healing for yourself before involving another one of us fallible people in your confusion.

A relationship can only be as healthy as the people in them.  No one can be healthy enough for two, though as stronger partner may assist one who is weaker for a time.  Eventually, however, that weaker partner must heal.  Either the stronger one will wear down under the burden of the other, or the strong one will have struggles in which he/she needs support as well.

Yes, there are those taking advantage of you, but you are leaving footprints of your own vulnerability open to full view of predators.  This is part of the damage that has occurred in your life as well.  It often becomes difficult to determine what is open for disclosure and what information should stay private.  Reread your profile and journal and carefully consider each piece of information you have shared and each word you have used.  Determine if it is all appropriate for complete strangers to know about you.  Get rid of things that are leading the wolves to your door. 

Consider how you portray yourself as well.  Most predators avoid bigger predators.  Yes, you are a submissive by desire, but when you are in everyday life with people of ordinary intimacy, I should hope the same rules would not apply as they would to your Dominant.  No one has the right to expect your submissive qualities without earning them.  They can expect you to be the lioness to protect yourself and those you love until they have given you a long history of being worthy of the trust you want to give.  I don't get much foolishness because it is clear before the first email is ever sent that I will not tolerate it.

Now for the most important thing I can say, and the general idea of all I have already said, get healthy and build or rebuild yourself.  I don't know what the origin may be.  I do know that until you deal with yourself, whether it be heart to hearts with a deeply trusted friend or by means of a professional, and bring resolution and wholeness to yourself and your future relationships, the cycle will continue.  It may be best to wait until you are in a healthier mental state before continuing with your search.  It takes a high degree of mental and emotional health to handle the dynamics of this kind of a relationship.  I know it is hard advice and not necessarily the quick cure you desired, but it will be the best thing for you if you choose to take this journey.  I only want the best for anyone to whom I write, so please just take it for what it is worth and I wish you the best.  OP may feel free to message me through collarme anytime.

lovingpet     



Dnomyar -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/19/2007 11:47:59 AM)

Dios, Dios, Dios. What planet are you from. Every Dom without a sub is a wannabe??? 



Dnomyar -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/19/2007 11:55:25 AM)

Here's you sign:  He may be a wannabe if he can't fit your panties in his glovebox because it is already full. He may be a wannabe if his underpants are frilly. He may be a wannbe if he is on the phone getting directions form his mother.   



Jeffff -> RE: How to determine the wannabes (12/19/2007 11:59:32 AM)

He may be a wanna be if he says " I hope that didn't hurt"

Jeff



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