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Mercnbeth -> RE: learning to live as D/s couple (12/17/2007 12:18:02 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pottscpl
I am a DOM ..only 2 yrs. now. My sub and I have recentlly moved in together. She ia collared! She gives me a hard thing bout alot of things. Her reply is our agreement not to let her loose her identitty.So i am stuck betwwen ..am i a her DOM or just the b/f?? I could use some counselling here!! She has me very confused in lifestyle!!
potts,
Perhaps you can draw some relevance from my initial entry into the wild and wacky world of BDSM interaction with a partner. Back in the dark ages when I was in college and the 'internet' was a glimmer in Al Gore's eye, finding a person who had the similar interests was difficult. Fortunately, I attended a Catholic University, so there were plenty of repressed and guilt racked young woman on campus in need of 'penance' for their 'sinful thought' that I could exploit - whoops! - I meant enjoy.
I found out early that the easiest method was to be 'reciprocal'. I refer to it as my 'switch' era. We'd come back to either her room or mine and I'd let her "do me" then I'd "do her". They would always want to go first. It was GREAT! The "do me" would mean I would lay spread eagle on the bed as she tied me to the steel bed posts. Then she would tease and 'torture' me, usually ending up with her straddling me while I 'submissively' laid back and let her "do me".
BTW - Old college dorm bed frames were very "lifestyle" friendly.
When it was my turn, I may have, in 'Emeril Lugosi' fashion, "BAM! - took it up a notch!", and used some clips, or had a different position in mind to use the ropes, oh, and I just happened to have some 'toys' on hand. But ultimately it was the same process and led to the same "do me" directed to her 'submission'. I lacked the skill and, more on point, the confidence, to try anything that I didn't first disclose and get "permission" to try. I learned a lot during this time. I developed some practical skills and gained an elementary understanding of the the emotional and mental aspects of what now is referred to as the 'lifestyle'. Eventually it led to me building up the confidence and courage to walk up the dark, foreboding stairs of the Hellfire club in NYC; where I undertook my 'graduate' studies.
It seems that's where you are in your relationship. It doesn't matter what she or you are wearing around your neck or any other part of you. The "identity" she seems to hold dear is as the person in control. Your lifestyle related encounters are her saying "do me". The things she gives you are "hard time" about seem to be pointing to those things that fall outside of her relationship parameter under the heading of "do me".
This is another reason why titles are so irrelevant from third party perspective. You may enjoy the title of Dominant or Master, but it doesn't seem to reflect your dynamic. You wouldn't be asking your question if you were confident in your dominance or her submission. That said, if you enjoy being the facilitator of 'doing' her within her limits and parameters there isn't anything wrong with continuing the practice.
It is your choice whether to live under her rules. Consider that she too must also get some satisfaction referring to you as her Dom under the conditions you outline. No one here should try and tell you that you aren't "lifestyle" because you serve and honor her boundaries concerning what constitutes a Dominant/submissive relationship outside of consideration to which end of the flogger brings you pleasure.
She's decided what does and doesn't fall into the construct you've formed. If it suits you - enjoy! It is your choice to live with it or dictate a change, enforcing your requirements, under your terms. Of course, she gets the final decision there too. Therein lies the obvious solution. You see, ultimately both parties "serve". The "do me" is replaced by living pointed to "do us". You and you partner seem not to have agreed upon the responsibilities under your personal definition of "us".
Start there instead of asking outsiders what to do. Independently go through the exercise of defining "us". If the result is you have sufficient goals in common - live together with focus on those goals. On the other hand, if the majority of what you have in common is focused on end of the flogger preferred - you can enjoy that too and no longer be concerned with trying to do more.
Good luck!
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