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RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/20/2007 8:32:40 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

The question was also about balance; which is the deeper harder question to answer.  Many submissives seem to have a tough time acknowledging this issue, because they dont face it directly.  I have seen many abused subs that would do anything and everything well beyond what is reasonable limits.  I have also seen well cared for subs and subs that constantly Top their Doms over these issues.



I have pain with anal sex sometimes, I am so blessed to have my Daddy, who does all he can to make our anal explorations less painful and enjoyable. I am blessed he does not see any issue I have as "topping from the bottom" because he KNOWS all I want to do is please him.

I have never heard of any dominant on this board state that submissives that were loved and cared for were "topping from the bottom" just because we are loved and cared for... as if the only way to truly dominate is to abuse someone... dude, that is just odd!

It is almost as if you think that because you care for her and love her that she is using these feelings against you because she does not like what you are doing. I can tell you that if I was with a dominant that I felt put me in situations that led me to complain often  I would probably come to the conclusion we were not well suited, because I was obviously not up to the type of play he wanted.

I will tell you that I had my hands injured with bondage about a year ago, and damn near caused myself to have nerve damage because I "did not want to complain". That was when I found out he really wants me to complain if I get uncomfortable even in the slightest because subspace can mask how bad it really is... and for all your "experience", you seriously don't sound it to me. Bad stuff can happen to subs that feel they have to suck it up so their doms can get their rocks off.... like permanently being maimed.




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Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

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(in reply to Kostly)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/20/2007 8:37:28 PM   
daddyncherry


Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		Kostly,

i wanted to send you this in a private message, but i'll do it here.

i'm only speaking from my own experience here, but for what its worth, it might help.

Early on in getting to know my Daddy i almost totally threw in the towel because of a similar situation as you described. He loves anal sex and i was afraid that i'd never be able to do it with the consistency he desired or in any safe fashion.

Thankfully i was wrong.

What i have come to find out is that a butt plug can be one of the worst things to use, due to its shape and not so much with putting it in but during the removal (i guess since you end up pushing)...What i have found that works great as a substitute is a simple ballsy dildo...It's not a plug but can be used in much the same way and worn for an extended period (by that i mean an hour or so)....Because it isn't shaped and stuck in the same way as a plug then it doesn't aggrevate something that could easily be aggrevated.

Maybe this would be a good middle ground (?) granted, to keep a dildo in place a harness or panties might need to be worn but it is still better than the alternative of not being able to do it at all.

Now i can have anal sex pretty regularly, and i never have an issue at all


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cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

(in reply to Daddysredhead)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/21/2007 12:27:24 AM   
petpete


Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		Kostly You are way out of Your grounds when You try to enforce to someone that You say You love things that she finds undesirable.. One loves one another when they share feelings for each other!! And in Your case You are only looking for Your own fulfillment even if her health is at risk..!!

_____________________________

Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!


(in reply to daddyncherry)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/21/2007 5:48:13 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		I can't help but notice that you express concern over your relationship, and then go on to detail nothing but issues surrounding play.  Does sharing a butt plug constitute a "relationship" for you?  Where are your relationship priorities?
 
No offense intended... just an observation.
 
John

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(in reply to Kostly)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/21/2007 8:01:17 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kostly

do research online to ask for safety issues regarding them, disconfort, etc...  I have


Really? I've had hemorrhoids removed by a colonorectal surgeon. And your online info is totally opposite his advice.

She's in pain, bad pain, and you're insisting on making it worse. If you really loved her, you would be getting her to a doctor. But that takes being an adult who actually cares about other people and will do whatever is required to have them be healthy. 

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Kostly)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/21/2007 8:10:57 AM   
Peridot


Posts: 78
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kostly

  My submissive is a heavy Masochist who likes splankings. 


"splankings"   Is that a new twist?  Like, uh, a whack with a two by four?


(in reply to Kostly)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/21/2007 9:36:19 AM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		Kostly,   you may feel it is not enough of a medical condition  .....what/how by reading ???? have you experienced the pain or lived with hemmoriods that have become infected????  Definitely do trip to the park and infected is nasty pain.  When used it feels like someone is slicing you open with a knife,   I do have hemmoriods and after 25 years I have finally got the nerve up to go to a doctor and have them taken care of,  years ago I did enjoy anal sex  but when I tried recently,,,  guess what with hemmorroids despite my Dom's 30 years experience it still was not pleasant is left me very sore afterward and even at times  the toilet bowl water was turned bright red from the amount of bleeding that occured, he enjoyed the fact that I tried for him but never forced me to try and when he learned about the bleeding decided no more it was not worth developing an infection over and he talked me into seeing a doctor about, he once had them himself and eventually had to go for surgery himself  so he knew what it was like and viewed  my efforts at , as being amazing.  For your sub to tell you she does not feel submissive enough for you should be telling you  how much you  have hurt her by insisting that this must be part of the play if a relationship is to be between you.  Does love equal hurting and punishing her emotionally for not having regularily enough to suit you and that she should just put up with and bare the pain and the  bleeding that results and risk infection just to please you???, does her needs not matter???  , instead she should have had the experience I had, praise beyond belief for trying, and to protect the property when it is known there is a problem by stopping play all together   and gentle coaxing to go see a doctor,   if necessary going along and being there as support for  the doctor appt or hospital visit.   Mine will be done in  hospital under anesthesia  inorder to repair surgically, old dom I am not longer seeing but still friends with and has remained in contact checking to see how I am doing and if I need help or company at the hospital since I also went thru a hysterectomy as well.  My new dom came into my life while I was waiting for surgeries  and has agreed to wait until I am fully recovered  all totalled that is a 5 month wait for him to be able to get a chance to enjoy his property, as a submissive I consider myself very lucky and fortunate to have 2 extremely caring doms in my life who have my best interests in mind as I go thru 2 surgeries  and I am  glad they never made me feel bad because of my limitations due to medical problems, a sub can emotionally feel bad enough and feel she is letting her dom down when she is unable to serve as he would like due to a medical condition, but I could not imagine how she must feel when you are negating as a good enough reason not engage in play and therefore want to end the relationship because of.  I can't help but feel very sorry for her and view you as being selfish and self centered.     

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(in reply to Daddysredhead)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/21/2007 10:55:39 AM   
Peridot


Posts: 78
Status: offline 		Hi Kostly!
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kostly

wow,  first any medical condition that would prevent any type of play would be regarded as harmfull in my mind and thus would not be a issue. 
It sounds like you are sensible and accepting of any medical issues that would limit the play. I hope she does go to the doctor to have this resolved.

quote:

The question was also about balance; which is the deeper harder question to answer.  Many submissives seem to have a tough time acknowledging this issue, because they dont face it directly. 

Finding balance and facing issues are responsible actions.
Might try each working on themselves and also together.

quote:

In the end you get doms so tired of it, that they simply shut down their needs for romantic relationships and go into relationships that are purely selfish. 

  Maybe we all need to learn to be vulnerable.

quote:

Really, us Doms hurt when our submissives complain.  When we make a mistake and do something that we shouldnt of, its worse then any punishment you subs have to face.  We sit there and hurt for days because we screwed up and had made a mistake.  No ones there to rescue us, and there is no rescue. 

Do your subs know how you hurt? Men often act stoic.  Women may fear it's an offense to question a man's inner feelings.
They worry the offer of comfort and nurture could be seen as a threat to a man's sense of power.
 
- I think people are people are care should go both ways...

quote:

Then again do we give everything the sub wants and ignore our own needs, or do we do what we want and fuck the sub.
   pardon, dear sir - what's wrong with fucking?
Some slaves/subs LOVE it!!!

quote:

The answer is somewhere in the middle.  Understanding this is hard, and then our subs and we change and so does the balance.  So how do you find and maintain the balance?


Talk, talk, work, work, love, love..and fuck.

quote:


a. I love you so I must beat you, humiliate you, tie you down, and make you do somethings you dont want to do....   b. We want to say, "Yes Hunny, you can have whatever you want!",

Shrug.   Are a. and b. contrary?   

Just some thoughts

< Message edited by Peridot -- 12/21/2007 11:00:33 AM >

(in reply to Kostly)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/21/2007 1:21:04 PM   
MsSaskia


Posts: 415
Joined: 9/9/2004
From: Denver
Status: offline 		tIs a smaller butt plug an option for either of you?  Would that be a compromise that wouldn't further damage her rectum?

A femsub friend of mine approached me a few years ago, very upset that she might be a bad submissive.  She was about 5'3 tall and weighed around 110 lbs or so.  Very tiny woman.  Her master was about 6'-something.  He wanted to be able to fist her vaginally, but she wasn't able to take his fist.  He told her she was a bad submissive.  He kept trying and trying, she kept trying and trying, and she was not anatomically capable of doing it.  She wanted to know if I thought she was a bad submissive, because she was beginning to believe him.  She thought that his claim that if she really, truly submitted to him, she'd be able to take his hand inside her.

The master clearly knew very little about female anatomy, or the fact that he could tear her vaginal wall and allow fecal matter to flow directly into the vagina.  He wasn't concerned about her pelvic structure or mental health.  He wanted to fist her and she wanted to let him, but it was not physically possible, so he took it out on her by being mentally abusive.  I always think of that couple whenever there's something I really want to do that my submissive isn't in to. 

(in reply to Kostly)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/21/2007 1:37:52 PM   
petpete


Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		Guys!!! This is beyond the joke with some ignorant people of this group who do practice irresponsibly!!! i don't give a rats ass if my Mistress would be the most desirable person in the world, i would rather lose Her if it has to do with anything regarding my health and Her being irresponsible!!! Who the hell the Dickhead thinks he is???? A sub needs to have a life and he or she does not exist only for BDSM and to please the whims of any Dickhead that shows up and calls himself a dom!! The tithe of Domhood has to be earned by all means, and to prove himself capable of undertaking such a responsible role!!! If subs where to be left at the whims of any wacko that calls name themselves as such then God save us.....

_____________________________

Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!


(in reply to MsSaskia)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/21/2007 2:00:18 PM   
petpete


Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		You right sexy!! His only causing a comotion... By the way your lips are sooooo sexxyyy!!!

_____________________________

Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!


(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/21/2007 2:03:30 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		thanks pete; they are not my lips, but my own lips are cute too!

(in reply to petpete)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/21/2007 2:15:09 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kostly

But I guess you have already jumped over everything about me and my relationship

yes you are right...you are guessing

and have deviced your own set of pre-conceived notions of who and what I am.

no, that is pure projection in my personal opinion

I hope you enjoy thoose perceptions of me...no need here to think that anyone would enjoy the perceptions you have created about the perceptions others have passed on you.

Many submissives seem to have a tough time acknowledging this issue, because they dont face it directly. whoooo there cowboy who gave you the right to pass judgment on submissives

I have seen many abused subs that would do anything and everything well beyond what is reasonable limits.  I have also seen well cared for subs and subs that constantly Top their Doms over these issues....so with that vast experience of subs you STILL come on here asking advice basically about butt plugging a girl with piles??????

In the end you get doms so tired of it, that they simply shut down their needs for romantic relationships and go into relationships that are purely selfish.  Really, us Doms hurt when our submissives complain.....awwww didums really?????

When we make a mistake and do something that we shouldnt of, its worse then any punishment you subs have to face.  We sit there and hurt for days because we screwed up and had made a mistake. In my personal opinion if you can't stand the heat get outta the kitchen......if you cannot take the responsibility of being a Dom then quit.


The rest of your post I have deleted. if you were to email me I would block you.
How does that shift your perception of submissives????

(in reply to Kostly)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/21/2007 2:51:46 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Peridot

quote:


Then again do we give everything the sub wants and ignore our own needs, or do we do what we want and fuck the sub.
 

 pardon, dear sir - what's wrong with fucking?
Some slaves/subs LOVE it!!!



Since I have already posted a serious response to the OP about a page back, I thought I would just post a response to Peridot's claim re: fucking.

I also like fucking.  Lotsa fucking.  So, I believe that the tally stands at 2 who absolutely adore fucking. 

Any others?  Show of hands? 

~ Naughty Red

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Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut


(in reply to Peridot)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/21/2007 2:56:20 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		*raises hand*

i absolutely love it when He fucks me. there's a few gorgeous lovelies on this thread i wouldn't mind fucking, either. ;) i vote for an orgy!

nymphomaniacally,
annabelle.


_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to Daddysredhead)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/22/2007 5:21:38 AM   
masterdstar


Posts: 160
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		This is why I only am interested in slaves...NO Topping from the bottom.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

(in reply to Kostly)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/22/2007 5:31:38 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MystressDream

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Have you been to a colonorectal specialist to ask if butt plugs with hemorrhoids is a good idea? Because I don't think it is. Instead of ignoring the fact that she's in pain, why not help her seek/pay for medical help?

Quite honestly, you're not a doctor and the fact that you're insisting on something she doesn't feel capable of, to a point where she's saying you're incompatible, doesn't seem a good way to prove yourself trustworthy or having her best interests in mind.


I completely agree with this post. If your "pleasure" is having her use butt plugs, and she is not physically capable of it, then is that a deal breaker for your relationship??

You need to sit down and talk to her. Not about the plugs... without medical attention, you are way out of line requiring that of her.... but, about the relationship dynamics in general. If she has had a prior Dom, they may have had the understanding that she would voice objections, etc. If that is not what you want to have happen, then you need to make that clear to her. Considering your trying to force her to use toys that are extremely painful due to a medical condition that you know about, I don't doubt that she feels the need to be vocal about what she does or doesn't like.

This all comes down to some level of compassion, intelligence, and communication.


Yeah the above question about whether or not a physical limit is a deal breaker is very important to ask and answer.

Fox and I tried anal play for about four years and it never got better for him. So off to a specialist he goes and finds out that the rape he survived at age 15 left him with damage down there (bastards used a knife; they better hope they never run into me).

He didn't share this information with me in a very good way -- he just suddenly announced that there would be no more anal penetration. My reaction as his owner was to tell him to get the fuck out but we were lucky in that my husband was around and he helped calm us both down.

I think now that Fox reacted the way he did cause the knowledge was triggering memories he didn't want to deal with and because he knew it would be a big let down for me.

Yes, it was and it is because taking my partner anally is very much a turn on for me.

But it is not the foundation of our dynamic and we can do a lot of other things including knife play even though that terrified him for about a year. A boy who can learn to overcome his very important limits in an area like that given how the limit was created is not one to toss to the side.

However, anal play is the only hard limit Fox has that conflicts with my own desires. Thus given everything else it means little.

If multiple hard limits conflict with multiple desires/interests/needs, I wouldn't be with that person because I'd consider it a ver poor match up and thus a low success probability.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MystressDream)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/22/2007 6:04:08 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: masterdstar

This is why I only am interested in slaves...NO Topping from the bottom.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!


Oh look ladies.

A TWUE master.

Do not all shove while standing in line!

(in reply to masterdstar)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/22/2007 6:31:36 PM   
Kostly


Posts: 60
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		First, the only one I am not listening to is Sexyred.  I check out your forum posts, and your a troll; go back to your cave.  Shit, I just got done with a thread filled with your flames about castlerealm, so I know exactly where your at..

Anyways, if I didnt care, and if I THOUGHT I knew everything, I wouldnt of posted a thread about the topic.  Guess what, but I have talked one on one with a lot of Doms and Dommies, and they all have concerns over the balance of play and life in fullfilling the wants and needs of both partners.  This balance is important, and is a major problem with most Doms.  Lets face it, we all have things we are use to, but we will never find a partner that is 100% compatable sexually and 100% compatable emotionally/romantically.  So we both make compromises.

However as I have stated, I do not compromise on safety.  Just the mention of a safety issue is enough for me to stop all of that type of play.  I have a Hard Limit on breath play because of the chance something can go wrong (and does).  I dont risk anyones health, and I only promote a good healthy practical life for my sub.

As stated, you guys know nothing of the relationship I have with my submissive, my background, or who I am.  So assume what you want about me.  The fact is that I didnt have the answers and I came looking for some.  I got some GREAT answers, and allot of flame... Shows me that this place is NOT a good place for advice... 

Cya, and enjoy.



(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/22/2007 8:20:33 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		greetings kostly,

if you know everything about safety...and you don't want to hear what we have to say because we don't know anything about you...why ask?

on top of that, if you got great answers, why isn't this a good place for advice?

confused because of all the contradictions,
annabelle.


_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to Kostly)
Profile   Post #: 40
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