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RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/22/2007 8:42:20 PM   
shellzbythesea


Posts: 120
Joined: 5/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kostly

Anyways, if I didnt care, and if I THOUGHT I knew everything, I wouldnt of posted a thread about the topic.  

Lets face it, we all have things we are use to, but we will never find a partner that is 100% compatable sexually and 100% compatable emotionally/romantically.  So we both make compromises.

As stated, you guys know nothing of the relationship I have with my submissive, my background, or who I am.  So assume what you want about me.  The fact is that I didnt have the answers and I came looking for some.  I got some GREAT answers, and allot of flame... Shows me that this place is NOT a good place for advice... 

Cya, and enjoy.



Kostly:
 
i don't take You as a Dom that doesn't care for his submissive.  i take You as someone who came here for some answers, and got *mostly* what You have mentioned above.  Sadly, even though i too have tried to "learn" from the forums here, mostly they are good for amusement purposes only. 
 
Please don't take this personally.  Some of us would liked to have learned from something "insightful" on this thread...but there was little to pick from (i said "little", i didn't say that there was nothing to be gleaned from).
 
i do agree that her health concerns should be YOUR'S as well, but i've the feeling You already know that and are trying to deal with that as best You can.
 
Best of luck to the two of Y/you!

(in reply to Kostly)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/22/2007 9:14:17 PM   
secretagentgirl


Posts: 70
Joined: 9/16/2007
Status: offline 		As for your anal issue, I'm not informed about that, but if I had hemmorhoids, I can imagine I'd have EXTREME reluctance about pushing any limits in that regard.

As for the relationship issue, there isn't going to be a right answer except for you examining how important it is to be with a submissive who gives in to everything you want.  There is a range of submissiveness, obviously.  And it sounds like this woman doesn't fall a close to the "Totally Submissive" side of the range as you'd like.
I am the same way.  I like to play around but there's some things I'm just not interested and most likely, nothing in the world is going to change that.  To me, the person I'm with either accepts that or not.  If they don't - it's not a good match.

I think you're facing a decision that many people in this lifestyle face who have been enamored of a vanilla person in their lifetime: How important is sexual compatibility in your relationship?
For some, highly important.
For others, it's nice to have, but not totally vital.

You need to determine that if her limits are really going to hold true, whether that's going to work for you in the long run.  And only you can answer that.


(in reply to shellzbythesea)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/22/2007 10:11:14 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

As stated, you guys know nothing of the relationship I have with my submissive, my background, or who I am.  So assume what you want about me. 


We only went by the words that you posted. If you did not like most of the replies, perhaps there was a problem in how you phrased your post and not with the majority that posted here. I think that the title of the thread was a little misleading... it is not balancing a doms pleasure with a submissive's pleasure that we are talking about here, it is balancing your pleasure with your submissive's very real and unenjoyed pain... there is no pleasure in this for her....Perhaps that will put your OP in perspective for you and how it was responded to. It has taken my Daddy 2 years to be able to enjoy me this way and it still hurts sometimes. I had major problems after the birth of my UM, such as an anal fissure, and unless you have had something like that you really do not know what pain is. I spent weeks after the birth of my UM in agony. I fear it happening again so I tense up sometimes... I can imagine the anxiety that your sub has must be overwhelming at times if she is like me and fears not satisfying you.

quote:

The fact is that I didnt have the answers and I came looking for some.  I got some GREAT answers, and allot of flame... Shows me that this place is NOT a good place for advice... 



Then it seems that you got more than what you paid for, so why are you bitching?

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Kostly)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/22/2007 10:39:01 PM   
petpete


Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		Guys, lets face it.. W/we are old enough to make our own decisions. And if someone likes to stay in a relationship that is getting pushed around like something stupid, then let it be it.. i personally don't think that any and every relationship has to be based around feelings (whatever they may be...) trust, carrying and all parties involved to be able to find some satisfaction that W/we absorb depending on our personality. Beyond all our features our body carries our heads. Behind our pretty or ugly faces W/we there is a brain behind it of which helps us think. The way W/we have to think should never be taken over by any of our passions whether they are submissive or Dominant. A balance is needed so W/we can continue our merry way.. On that merry note let me wish all on this group a merry Xmas.

_____________________________

Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!


(in reply to Kostly)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/22/2007 11:02:34 PM   
TisAGoodLife


Posts: 5
Joined: 12/17/2007
Status: offline 		I think that the issue here is that you are falling in love with your Sub and you fear losing control. Control of yourself first, and then of her. You have chosen the wrong place to take that problem, ie. the battlefield that is your desire for anal sex when she is clearly medically unfit.

Decide whether you are big enough not to paint yourself into this particular corner and then act on your own judgment. I think you might find it easier to work with a submissive who you are not in love with - but being in love should make you closer if you can forget your pride and act in a mature and caring manner towards your girl. I think her pain threshold seems pretty high, so she is not bluffing here.

If you feel the need to test her (and perhaps you are not sure if she is in love with you, which is why we test our beloved) then perhaps you need to discuss how you are feeling and find out where you really stand. After all, her saying "Perhaps Im not the sub for you" must have been devastating, given that you have fallen for her.

Good luck to you both m'dears. A doctor could sort out the problem, but there would be a prolonged recovery time for her; a good chance to show your own devotion and promote her trust?

(in reply to Daddysredhead)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/22/2007 11:22:30 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		If it was up YOUR ass, you'd know!!!!!!!!!!!

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to Kostly)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/23/2007 1:59:36 AM   
Surrenderwithin


Posts: 368
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline 		Submission is taking a dip in the pool of a whole array of emotions. Dealing with the emotions will get easier in time. Right now the highs seem very high and the lows are of great depths. In time the ride will not be so bumpy. This is ( for me anyhow) a lifestyle filled with and driven by emotion and emotional desire.

I wish you luck on this journey, upon any path you choose to follow,
Maggi

(in reply to Daddysredhead)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/23/2007 11:58:14 AM   
Kostly


Posts: 60
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hisannabelle

greetings kostly,

if you know everything about safety...and you don't want to hear what we have to say because we don't know anything about you...why ask?


if I knew everything about safety why would I research it?  Also people here who have this condition has been a part of my research, and ofcourse has turned me to encourage a doctor visit, and to be cautous and carefull in this play. 

The fact is that my subs condition is a health issue is of course a major issue.  But what hasnt been mentioned is that my submissive loves anal sex, does not experiance bleading in these conditions, no does she feel any pain.  It just seems to be the buttplugs that bother her...  I didnt come here for medical advice, but for personal experiances and advice on a medical level.
Also any statement that I made that could be interpreted as a statement of complete knowledge is one of miscommunication, and like always you will see a contradiction to these statements in later posts.  Nothing I or anyone says is written in stone.  People learn, and People grow.  People like me, enjoy learning, and have NO problem with being wrong.  I actually rather enjoy being wrong, and am not fearful of the fact that I don't know everything.  I also believe that being wrong and admitting that you are wrong is not a weakness in character but a strength. If someone is wrong with me, and they apologize, I not only forgive, but I hold that person in a high regard.

I also just got done stating that I was listening to what was being said by those who don't resort to personal attacks.  I can admit when I am wrong, and when I hurt someone I apologize.  However I do not listen to people who are so out of control of their personal feelings and actions that they feel its their job to attack another person.  This approach is wrong... 

I have been judged by outsiders as being perverted, mentally ill, hedonistic, etc...  I think we all are... Unfortunately the natural human response to being judged is a return in hatred. Only with compassion, understanding (or a desire to understand), and acceptance can we find peace from this anger. Gandhi once stated “An eye for an eye will make the whole world go blind”.
SOME people in BDSM can and are judgmental people. It is unfortunate and good websites moderate out these personal attacks, and promote good positive conversations and discussions. Arguments and personal attacks hurts people looking for answers, and does not help anyone.

quote:


on top of that, if you got great answers, why isn't this a good place for advice?

confused because of all the contradictions,
annabelle.


This is NOT a good place for advice because it does NOT foster and encurage a open and friendly environment.  The bullies stay, while the kind hearted go onto other places.

I have also seen many threads get high jacked without any stop/warning of the behavior.  Beign someone that is building a web community, I have been studying what promotes a strong healthy environment with great topics, great discussions, no flame, and very few arguements.  It has been something that I recognize and have been watching and experiancing on many sites.  Unfortunately few sites get this mix right, and they turn into chaotic messes of flame attacks and high jacking threads.

(in reply to hisannabelle)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/23/2007 12:33:48 PM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Being a masochist doesn't mean that all forms of pain are enjoyed by everyone. If she can't tolerate something then she can't tolerate something. Doing something that may potentially harm her has nothing to do with balancing of pleasure. There might be some physiological reason she can't tolerate it. Until a qualified medical person has told her she's ok there I wouldn't push it.

Your sub is telling you that she can't tolerate it. You say you care then care about the words she is verbalizing to you. The most important thing a caring dominant can do is listen. By telling her she is just complaining makes her feel that her feelings are of no importance to you.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to Kostly)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/23/2007 12:55:06 PM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		Only thing I can suggest than is to really look at the design of the butt plugs you are currently using, most are well designed for insertion but the back end of the plug designs on many make for rough removal as the step from narrow the wide can be immense on some butt toys, if the butt toy has been inside a while some of the lubricant will be absorbed which also makes the removal harder to beat , look for  some that are  well taper  at the back end  to make for easy removal  if you look at the giant red plug on this page it should make it easy to understand why removal would be very rough compared that to the big fish metal  or the pfun   plug that is much more tapered and would make removal easier  and would be easier on exiting hemmorroids http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/toys/other_butt_toys.html

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/23/2007 1:00:00 PM   
Kostly


Posts: 60
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetnurseBBW

Being a masochist doesn't mean that all forms of pain are enjoyed by everyone. If she can't tolerate something then she can't tolerate something. Doing something that may potentially harm her has nothing to do with balancing of pleasure. There might be some physiological reason she can't tolerate it. Until a qualified medical person has told her she's ok there I wouldn't push it.

Your sub is telling you that she can't tolerate it. You say you care then care about the words she is verbalizing to you. The most important thing a caring dominant can do is listen. By telling her she is just complaining makes her feel that her feelings are of no importance to you.


Anal sex takes time... It takes patience... and it takes a lot of slow progression towards a goal.  If these are not done, and you just "Shove it in" without regard to lube, prep, etc.  Then you will do damage, and could possibly do perminate damage.  I have found that in the past with other subs, that a slow progression in the use of buttplugs or anal dialators has allowed the submissive to transition or train the rectum (and maybe mind) into accepting anal sex without any pain, on even the first time.  I have a 6" circumfrence, so for me, prep and training is of absolute necessity.  In Tristians book "Anal sex for women" she states that if it hurts then slow down.  I take that advice when engaging in this play. 

In addition, I personally enjoy the use of buttplugs on mysellf.  Especially if I want to cum more then 2 times in one day.  The increase in pleasure and intensity of orgasim is amazing.  I had to progress when I started using these.  It wasnt like I went out and got Dr. Johnstons MONSTER buttplug and shoved it in.  I started with a small one and used it till it poped out due to the force you apply when thrusting.  I then moved up in size, until this stopped happening.  So I have personal experiance with this. 

What confuses me about this situation is that my submissive has NO problem with wearing a buttplug, or insertion of the buttplug.  What hurts her is the point that the largest part has been reached, and the drop in diameter occures.  Basically the Final stage of the insertion.  I have NEVER heard, experianced, or heard about this before.  Every experiance that I have with buttplugs is that getting to the largest part is the hardest part.  I have never heard of the spincter muscle constricting causing pain.

My submissive also does NOT blead.  Which seems to be a symptom people with hemroids have when they engage in anal sex.  I have had no such bleading, and if any bleeding did occur during anal sex everything would stop.  Bleeding during anal sex is very serous, and if that had happened as a result of my actions, I would feel VERY bad.

The problem is, that any bleeding means there has been a rupture, and that rupture will have a difficult time healing.  Infection is a real possibility, and all such situations can be serous.

Kostly

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/23/2007 1:03:50 PM   
Kostly


Posts: 60
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Maya2001

Only thing I can suggest than is to really look at the design of the butt plugs you are currently using, most are well designed for insertion but the back end of the plug designs on many make for rough removal as the step from narrow the wide can be immense on some butt toys, if the butt toy has been inside a while some of the lubricant will be absorbed which also makes the removal harder to beat , look for  some that are  well taper  at the back end  to make for easy removal  if you look at the giant red plug on this page it should make it easy to understand why removal would be very rough compared that to the big fish metal  or the pfun   plug that is much more tapered and would make removal easier  and would be easier on exiting hemmorroids http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/toys/other_butt_toys.html


Not only do I agree with everything you say, but I got that website, and the BlowFish recommendation from a full Sub with her partner, and a Dom to her woman "friend" about 3 days ago... she is very smart about these things, and I goto her for advice often...

(in reply to Maya2001)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/23/2007 1:06:40 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline
quote:

This is NOT a good place for advice because it does NOT foster and encurage a open and friendly environment.  The bullies stay, while the kind hearted go onto other places.


hmm. i've been here for a couple of years now almost (i used to have another nick, actually). i know several other very kind people who have been here for a long time. so i do think that is an unfair statement. those who don't know how to separate the jewels from the chaff, however, and are easily offended, do often find that they are more comfortable elsewhere.

annabelle.


_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to Kostly)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/23/2007 1:11:01 PM   
daddyncherry


Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Maya2001

Only thing I can suggest than is to really look at the design of the butt plugs you are currently using, most are well designed for insertion but the back end of the plug designs on many make for rough removal as the step from narrow the wide can be immense on some butt toys, if the butt toy has been inside a while some of the lubricant will be absorbed which also makes the removal harder to beat , look for  some that are  well taper  at the back end  to make for easy removal  if you look at the giant red plug on this page it should make it easy to understand why removal would be very rough compared that to the big fish metal  or the pfun   plug that is much more tapered and would make removal easier  and would be easier on exiting hemmorroids http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/toys/other_butt_toys.html


This was exactly the point i tried to make...removing it, due to its shape is where the problem arises.

i think of it like one of those things where there is a hole and spots cut out around the whole circle....when you push something in..everything goes in...when you pull it out everything comes out with it ( i wish i could think of the actual thing im trying to describe)

i can have anal sex (which delights and shocks the hell outta me)...i can do time with a dildo in me i just have issues with plugs.

i tried to explain this to the OP and even messaged him....i think he is now more concerned with defending himself and stuff that looking at possible solutions.....those seem to be the only things he responds to anyway.




_____________________________

Hugs,
cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

(in reply to Maya2001)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/23/2007 1:52:54 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		The bigger thing he has not responded to is whether she has seen a physician and whether anal play AT ALL is medically safe for her.  We can't assume that you can progress her to the point where it is enjoyable or she is the same as others when it comes to anal play when she has a very real and painful medical condition that my indicate anal play is not safe for her ever.  Unless I've missed something the OP continually avoids answering that question. 

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to daddyncherry)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/23/2007 2:10:34 PM   
daddyncherry


Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

The bigger thing he has not responded to is whether she has seen a physician and whether anal play AT ALL is medically safe for her.  We can't assume that you can progress her to the point where it is enjoyable or she is the same as others when it comes to anal play when she has a very real and painful medical condition that my indicate anal play is not safe for her ever.  Unless I've missed something the OP continually avoids answering that question. 


There is definitely nothing wrong with going to a doctor, i would suggest it to work through the issues in some medical way for sure.

That being said, i have even had to go to the emergency room in years past (before engaging in any type of real anal) for bleeding and for this type of issue....the doctors have told me not to do anal sex, colonics or anything of that sort .....i know that i should have some kind of surgery and thought that i wouldn't be able to ever engage in anal sex until i do. (for me, i was soooo wrong and though it is prefered for me to not do it, i have not had one single solitary issue with anal...no bleeding in any way and have actually noticed that things seem to be BETTER for me)

The thing is, these issues are not always aggrevated (for the most part-and since she can enjoy anal at times, i would assume from that that hers are not) and it is a matter of common sense to not play like that when things are aggrevated...If things aren't aggreavated then it isn't an issue in the same way.


_____________________________

Hugs,
cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/23/2007 2:11:39 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		I'm sure it's possible that may be the case for her, but the only person that can answer that is a physician and I would note, his OP talks about her reluctance, you don't seem to have that issue.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 12/23/2007 2:12:20 PM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to daddyncherry)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/23/2007 2:13:31 PM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daddyncherry

quote:

ORIGINAL: Maya2001

Only thing I can suggest than is to really look at the design of the butt plugs you are currently using, most are well designed for insertion but the back end of the plug designs on many make for rough removal as the step from narrow the wide can be immense on some butt toys, if the butt toy has been inside a while some of the lubricant will be absorbed which also makes the removal harder to beat , look for  some that are  well taper  at the back end  to make for easy removal  if you look at the giant red plug on this page it should make it easy to understand why removal would be very rough compared that to the big fish metal  or the pfun   plug that is much more tapered and would make removal easier  and would be easier on exiting hemmorroids http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/toys/other_butt_toys.html


This was exactly the point i tried to make...removing it, due to its shape is where the problem arises.

i think of it like one of those things where there is a hole and spots cut out around the whole circle....when you push something in..everything goes in...when you pull it out everything comes out with it ( i wish i could think of the actual thing im trying to describe)

i can have anal sex (which delights and shocks the hell outta me)...i can do time with a dildo in me i just have issues with plugs.

i tried to explain this to the OP and even messaged him....i think he is now more concerned with defending himself and stuff that looking at possible solutions.....those seem to be the only things he responds to anyway.





His responses show that he is more concerned with past experiences and not that everyone seems to be different and not everyone can take the same things. Every anatomy is different. He seems more set on defending himself and proving himself right than actually listening. Learning only happens when one listens. I hope he is listening to what his sub is telling him and not only concerned with only proving himself right. That is how people get hurt.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to daddyncherry)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/23/2007 2:24:57 PM   
daddyncherry


Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

I'm sure it's possible that may be the case for her, but the only person that can answer that is a physician and I would note, his OP talks about her reluctance, you don't seem to have that issue.


Yes, and it will be up to her what she does with the information....

i am not reluctant NOW....in the beginning with my Daddy i almost walked away because i wouldnt be able to give him that part of me....ultimately he took it...and was patient and gentle (to start)...i just didnt want to not be able to give him that part of me too...i was proven wrong when i thought i couldn't do it.


_____________________________

Hugs,
cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Balance Doms Pleasure with submissive's pleasure - 12/23/2007 2:48:30 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Kostly,

if she enjoys anal sex is it possible that she is sensitive to the material the anal plug is made from...that could cause pain. swelling...

just a thought...

is the issue she doesn't want to go to the Dr because she is embarrassed?

aJ

(in reply to daddyncherry)
Profile   Post #: 60
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