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RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 8/21/2005 4:18:31 AM

pinkpleasures

Posts: 1114
Status: offline

quote:

I agree with almost all of thep oints and think it is a marvelous list filled with good ole good sense.

But I balk on the mentor part. The whole mentor concept is such a flawed one in the scene these days that I can't recommend it. It's only through pure luck that I ever see a mentor situation actually work out with a newbie.

The CONCEPT of mentors are great, but I never see it work out realistically through any part of knowledge and good decision making on the part of the sub.

Emeraldslave2

My mentor and i no longer are in close contact due to PC issues, but i owe Him more than i could ever repay. He was one of the Men who emailed me after i first came on-site, and i asked Him a question which must have displayed my ignorance, because He asked me if anyone was helping me. When i said "no" He offered; and devoted so much time to me it can never be repaid. Without His firm guidance, i'd be in a cage in someone's basement today.

pinkpleasures

< Message edited by pinkpleasures -- 8/21/2005 4:19:31 AM >

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Post #: 21

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 8/21/2005 5:25:50 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrivateLabel

quote:

ORIGINAL: dark~angel
to call every person who is a dominant 'Sir' - do so only after you have asked the dominant if its ok to do so. ...
... If a person is submissive enough to want to call a dominant Sir or Ma'am, then they are submissive enough to ask if its ok to call them that.

Peace and Love

My mother and grandmother raised me to be polite. I say "sir" and "ma'am" to most people, out of common politeness. I refuse to stop doing so just because someone is/is not a dominant.

Why have we forgoitten common politieness and courtesy? It doesn't matter what sex you are, holding the door open for another person is polite, and I for one feel good when someone does so for me, and I feel good in receiving a smile from someone else when I do so for them.

It would be good to keep my words in context, thank you.

When I work, at times its the right situation to call someone Sir or Madam - but it isn't just about politeness, its about manners and respect. In a BDSM context, its isnt' a necessity to call someone Sir or Ma'am and if someone says to you directly - 'Please do not call me Sir, it makes me uncomfortable' - what are you going to do - refuse? - Now THAT is bad manners.

Peace and Love

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to PrivateLabel)

Post #: 22

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 8/21/2005 5:49:12 AM

Oumae

Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dark~angel

In a BDSM context, its isnt' a necessity to call someone Sir or Ma'am and if someone says to you directly - 'Please do not call me Sir, it makes me uncomfortable' - what are you going to do - refuse? - Now THAT is bad manners.

Peace and Love

I agree with you on this Angel.

We don't tend to use the terms generally here so maybe some are more used to it. I do think a person's wishes should be respected tho'.

Oumae

_____________________________

Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 23

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 8/21/2005 6:37:50 AM

NakedOnMyChain

Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline

Well said, OsideGirl. I'd like to add one thing, though. (You touched upon it, so I'm just reiterating.) You do not need to do ANYTHING for a dom until you have reached an agreement with him about your play. If someone is rude to you and is trying to force you to submit and you're not comfortable with it, tell him. And certainly don't submit.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 24

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 8/21/2005 7:21:55 AM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

Thank you for starting this thread and for all of the great advice. As a newb, I am greedily devouring ALL information I can find.

One thing I haven't seen discussed, and that seems to come up a lot, is this; How can I know what my limits are, and communicate them, if I have no experience? It's kind of like asking a blind person what their favorite color is. They might believe, based on descriptions of color that it would be wonderful to see colors, but how can they know which colors they like/don't like if they have never actually seen them.

How can you set limits in a negotiation if you don't know?

Help? Advise? Suggestions?

TN

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)

Post #: 25

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 8/21/2005 8:33:39 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkpleasures
Without His firm guidance, i'd be in a cage in someone's basement today.

As opposed to still being chained solely to your computer with no real life experience whatsoever?

Being in a cage in a basement is a VERY good time for some people, BTW.

(in reply to pinkpleasures)

Post #: 26

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 8/21/2005 8:35:30 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout
How can you set limits in a negotiation if you don't know?

Help? Advise? Suggestions?

TN

At that point your limits are generally "Anything extreme" and you should negotiate that whatever you do in a scene should be taken pretty slowly and with good feedback.

Negotiations aren't just "yes and nos" it's a process of HOW to go about things, slow or fast, communication styles, etc.

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 27

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 8/21/2005 9:20:33 AM

ChainedAngel

Posts: 72
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline

I would suggest asking for the license plate to the person's car. This not only gives your safecall something concrete to give the police in case you should mysteriously disappear, but there is also a website you can go to where you can type in the number and get everything you could possibly want to know about that person, including any roommates at their address, other cars owned at that address, whether or not they are married, have children, etc. Kinda scary that this is even out there, but it can still be a good resource.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 28

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 8/21/2005 9:36:24 AM

Veav

Posts: 150
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout
How can you set limits in a negotiation if you don't know?

I'd suggest a limit of "take it easy, and take it slow, listen to me and if you start to get worried - my safety is more important than my desires". Presumably your partner is already going to know you're inexperienced and have yet to find out just where your limits... if they don't know, tell 'em now. That communication stuff that gets bandied about is good.

For right now, you can still set hard limits on the rough outlines. For instance, "no blood", "no breathplay", "make sure you leave a hand free", "no gags", "no blindfolds", "no (insert sex act here)", "no marks"... any and all of these are possible and are good to mention. Remember, it's not about whether or not something is going to happen, it's about communicating ahead of time how you feel about if it did. What actually happens is, unless you make timely suggestions, up to the dom. }:D

_____________________________

Yes, I am Gordon Freeman. Accept this, and move on with your life.

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 29

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 8/21/2005 12:56:27 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

A number of responses here:

Iron Bear, you may absolutely use this list. Does not bother me in the least.

pink pleasures, I apologize. I did not have your screen name in front of me when I typed this out, so did not realise that it was not capatilised. It is my habit to capatilise proper names, but I try to respect individual wishes. You mentioned in a post that you felt that your questions weren't being answered. As for my name showing up.....as you can see below my avatar, I've made a number of posts. I have no issues with you. Although, you might consider switching to decaf since you viewed my effort to be helpful as a personal attack on you.

As far as limits: I use the two set of limits system. My hard limits are things I feel strongly about and will never change. This list is no poop, blood, no kids, no animals, no vomit, no dead people. (The last one came about as a response to a very bizarre request from from idiot online). Soft limits are things that can change over times.

When I started this life, the list of things I liked was spanking, bondage and sex. I listed things that scared me but intrigued me. I listed things that scared me in not a good way. It's all about trying things and finding what works for you.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/21/2005 1:31:03 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Veav)

Post #: 30

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 8/21/2005 1:58:50 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

Iron Bear, you may absolutely use this list. Does not bother me in the least.

Bless you lass and thankyou.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 31

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 8/21/2005 6:03:43 PM

pinkpleasures

Posts: 1114
Status: offline

quote:

As opposed to still being chained solely to your computer with no real life experience whatsoever?

Being in a cage in a basement is a VERY good time for some people, BTW.

Emeraldslave2

Emerald, i thought we had agreed on a mutual noncombatant relationship. i see that without notice, you have elected to return to ad hominimun attacks on the boards.

This time i'm not f**king around....pinkpleasures

This is a gentle reminder to all to lower your flames. Failure to do so will result in moderation.

Mod7

< Message edited by ModeratorSeven -- 8/26/2005 1:01:58 PM >

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Post #: 32

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 8/21/2005 7:00:22 PM

littlelostone

Posts: 1
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline

Thank you for these pointers. I also read your post for new male dominants, and many things on both lists are things that my Mentor has been teaching me, as well all of the other things that I need to know in order to navigate this new path in my life. I feel that this advice was very straightforward, simple, non-judgemental, and as said earlier, plain old common sense. But sometimes in dealing with such personal matters, we lose common sense first. And that is the one thing that we need to keep about us.

Again THANK YOU!!

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 33

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 9/21/2006 6:58:53 AM

hypnoticblue

Posts: 130
Joined: 9/20/2006
Status: offline

Fantastic post... thank you. It answered a lot of my questions....

(in reply to pinkpleasures)

Post #: 34

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 9/21/2006 7:24:16 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: CitizenCane

Good points, overall. I'd quibble with a couple of issues, however:
First, while it's natural to want the protection that comes with anonymity, that cuts both ways. It's not really reasonable to want to get a lot of personal information or positive ID, confirmation of marital status, etc, from someone unless you're giving out the same. While it may be that men present, statistically, more risk of rape and murder, it's not the case that being a woman or a submissive or both makes a person sane, safe or trustworthy. Anyone meeting a stranger, in or out of the lifestyle, is taking some risk. Don't expect someone to trust you significantly more than you're willing to trust them.
Second, 'mentoring' is an undefined term. There are no more official rules for this than for the rest of BDSM. Some people have mentoring relationships that involve play- and if that's what has been agreed upon up front, there's nothing wrong with it. Some people want to learn with a minimum of emotional involvement.

Cane

Agreed Cane. I never asked for license or social security number. Just the home phone number. This came about as a way to cut out the married men. Mentoring is an undefined term, what is presented is my personal view on the subject. Everyone needs to take the responsibility to determine what works for them.

I also thought that you had made several good points. A lot of them seem, in my eyes at least, to be common sense. I understand though that I am viewing this from an "older person with more experience" perspective.

However, as someone else noted, trust goes both ways. If you want...expect...me to trust you with my home phone number, then pray tell why you should not trust me with yours?
If you feel that you have given me alllll the information I need to build enough trust you to give you my home phone, and if the information exchanged has been equal, then by all measures, you should by this point trust me to the same extent I trust you.

I will also state that I agree with you re: what mentors do and that I disagree somewhat in that all mentors should be local. I feel that it doesn't hurt to have more than one and that if you find a friend who is not local that geography doesn't make what they say any less sensible. I would say that before you consider them a mentor to look at what they're saying and whether or not that makes any sense. Check out what they say with what others say.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 35

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 9/21/2006 7:59:06 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

For the person who says you can tell a lot from a persons phone number. Thats not true. I had to get a phone in My mother in laws name years ago. She is now passed on but her name is still on the phone bill. So what are you going to find out about me? As far as a car goes. What if the persons car is broke down and he has to use a friends car to meet you. There are a lot of variables in life. Take what you read on here as basic knowlege not as gospel.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 36

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 9/21/2006 8:42:41 AM

amuzingtoyou

Posts: 144
Joined: 6/27/2006
Status: offline

is it me or do people get entirely too sensitive to what is written on these boards? Sorry just and observation.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 37

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 9/21/2006 8:53:14 AM

LL1aintbehavin

Posts: 104
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

OsideGirl.
I was so very happy to see this list up that you had compiled together.
My Dom and i have been approached by a couple that are running headlong into disaster and have asked for our help and bit of advice.
Your list puts it all in one place so nicely that i just copied and pasted to them in an email.
Far too many get so excited by a few kinky ideas and rush without using common sense or doing any research or having a real clue as to what this l/s is about.
There is no real true way as everyone is different, but to give some basic ideas and most of all get people to put safety first cannot be stressed enough.
Everyone will see something to nit pick in anyone's post just cause.
I think it was compiled very nicely, thank you for the trouble that you went to.
aintbehavin

(in reply to amuzingtoyou)

Post #: 38

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 9/21/2006 12:18:01 PM

FirmhandKY

Posts: 8948
Joined: 9/21/2004
Status: offline

Osidegirl,

Excellent post and thread. I think I'll steal parts of it myself, if you don't mind? I've posted some things about the "search" for "femsubs by male doms before (months ago), and this is a very good counter-point and addition to my some of thoughts.

Someone mentioned that you had posted something similar for male doms? Would anyone have a link?

As for mentors and mentoring, I think the issue gets caught up in a lot of confusion because there are some (a lot?) of men who use that term for less than honorable reasons.

I tend to think that an "acquaintance resource" is a more accurate, less formal, but also less friendly term for such.

I've struck up acquaintanceships with a few women (subs, and dommes) over the years who have used me to ask questions, or just as a sounding board. In truth, I was the dictionary definition of a "mentor", but I did not seek nor would I have accepted that term because of it's baggage.

Some of the relationships lasted just a few weeks, or months. Some lasted for years. The thing that makes them effective at all is the true safety of the individual in knowing that I had no "designs" on them, other than friendship or camaraderie (sometimes "friendship" is also too much of a barrier to good advice). That's usually the biggest hurdle to get over, and the level of tust you extend, and the level of confidence you earn is directly proportional to your own actions and words.

Being local sometimes adds to the ability to give advice, and sometimes it distracts, depending on the question, problem and people.

FHky

_____________________________

Some people are just idiots.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 39

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 9/21/2006 2:14:27 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

Being in a cage in a basement is a VERY good time for some people, BTW.

I was just thinking the same thing. But i do think there is some very good advice on the OP's list.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 40

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