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RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 9/21/2006 2:56:45 PM

Adelphus

Posts: 87
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline

Great list!
I actually take a friend with me when meeting a prospective dom, (my 'wife') because a second opinion is always good to have. I have a tendancy to miss warning signs in my eagerness to please, so her objectivness has served me very very well overt he years. If someone gives me a hard time about having her there, then they aren't the one for me.

As for a mentor, I had one and she saved me ass quite a few times. She was a board member of TES of NYC and had a very good rep, also knew who was good and who to keep me away from. There were times when she would actually intervene if she saw I had gotten in over my head. I owe her a lot....man I'm going to go look her up now.;-)

Ha! Emperor Norton! I haven't seen that name in a while. Hooray for eccentrics!

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 41

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 9/21/2006 6:25:10 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkinshadows

I disagree.
If you desire to call every person who is a dominant 'Sir' - do so only after you have asked the dominant if its ok to do so.

Hello A/all,

I tend to really dislike people I dont know referring to me as Sir or Master or Lord or whatever. I have a name. I will ask people I meet to call me that, regardless of the color of my name tag.

Just me, etc.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 42

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 9/21/2006 6:26:45 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Adelphus

Great list!
I actually take a friend with me when meeting a prospective dom, (my 'wife') because a second opinion is always good to have. I have a tendancy to miss warning signs in my eagerness to please, so her objectivness has served me very very well overt he years. If someone gives me a hard time about having her there, then they aren't the one for me.

As for a mentor, I had one and she saved me ass quite a few times. She was a board member of TES of NYC and had a very good rep, also knew who was good and who to keep me away from. There were times when she would actually intervene if she saw I had gotten in over my head. I owe her a lot....man I'm going to go look her up now.;-)

Ha! Emperor Norton! I haven't seen that name in a while. Hooray for eccentrics!

I have nothing to hide. And I am somewhat of a party animal who cleans up well and can be extremely social in a group setting.

I dont have an issue with the person I am meeting bringing friends, having safe calls, whatever.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 43

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 9/22/2006 4:24:26 AM

spankmepink11

Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline

To the OP, i agree with most of your post, (except the Mentor thing,and a few other points). I feel most of the points you raise are attributed to common sense in general, and a strong sense of self worth. Hopefully it will help those who need it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkpleasures

When i practiced law for the state of Florida, i was almost always there after the other lawyers had left and in time to meet the cleaning crew. i knew all their names and they knew mine. We would chat a bit before they left to go on to another floor. They were good people and some were very bright. In some instances, discussing my current case they would occassionally give me an idea for a new "dirty lawyer trick", ROFL. i enjoyed those relationships.

Ms pinkpleasure,
i agreed with your post regarding manners and respect, having lived primarily in southern states for the last 20 yrs. But i kind of choked on this portion of your post.
As i was unable to locate your profile to bring this to your attention more privately, i'm trying to respond here in a completely non offensive, non combative way.

That being said, i'm sure that your intent was good, but i wonder if you realize how slightly condescending the above paragraph was. Especially the "some were very bright" portion. ( as if it were a big surprise) I wonder what lead you to operate under the assumption that people in the service industry lack intelligence?

I could just be a little hyper sensitive (it's been known to happen), but you probably could have made your point just as clearly without the store clerk and cleaning crew examples. (brings to mind those who say things like , "i'm not prejudiced i know a black person")

Just a thought...
Just me...
Pardon the hijack

< Message edited by spankmepink11 -- 9/22/2006 4:42:11 AM >

(in reply to pinkpleasures)

Post #: 44

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 2/5/2007 7:31:13 PM

venusdiva429

Posts: 44
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline

This list is excellent. Thank you.

_____________________________

Relationships, fiction, and personal development fabulousness at Luscious Life!

Never be an option when he's your priority. Just...don't. You are a true gem to a true man!

(in reply to spankmepink11)

Post #: 45

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 2/22/2007 9:02:05 PM

byrdygirl

Posts: 9
Joined: 2/17/2007
Status: offline

I am wondering if anyone has advice or pointers on asking a Dom to accept me as his sub, and to train me...

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 46

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 2/22/2007 9:04:29 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: byrdygirl
I am wondering if anyone has advice or pointers on asking a Dom to accept me as his sub, and to train me...

Ask him, while he's awake and functioning "What do you think of getting involved with me as my dominant and training me?"

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to byrdygirl)

Post #: 47

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 2/22/2007 9:20:52 PM

DomMeinCT

Posts: 2355
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

Thank you for taking the time to share this. It's full of common sense and good advice.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 48

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 2/22/2007 11:33:34 PM

novicecourtesan

Posts: 116
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline

This is a really good post. I am glad that you went into so much detail. I'm familiar with a lot of the safety issues; I try to keep that in mind when dating in general, but it was good to know what the first steps of an encounter are like and what to do and not do.

If you're still around, I would love to know more in terms of other common mistakes newbie subs make, and how to avoid them--not just safety, but maybe things like traps that newbies fall in to when first getting into bdsm or when trying to find or finding a dom--or even leaving a dom. I think we will take all the advice we can get....

thanks again!

(in reply to DomMeinCT)

Post #: 49

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 2/23/2007 2:47:09 AM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

pink pleasures, I apologize. I did not have your screen name in front of me when I typed this out, so did not realise that it was not capatilised. It is my habit to capatilise proper names, but I try to respect individual wishes. You mentioned in a post that you felt that your questions weren't being answered. As for my name showing up.....as you can see below my avatar, I've made a number of posts. I have no issues with you. Although, you might consider switching to decaf since you viewed my effort to be helpful as a personal attack on you.

i thought your post was great and i'm still not sure how it was construed as having 'an issue'....but anyhoo, it appears many found it helpful.

Good job!

Daddysgirl

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 50

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 2/23/2007 7:21:46 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

I guess I'm not true.

He's the person I went to with all my questions.
I did get into his car on the first meet.
We parked at a beach and groped in the car, if the cops hadn't driven by looking for drug dealers we would have had sex there. We wouldn't have done it outside because the mosquitoes were ferocious.
I had no safe call.
I had no interest in public stuff.
I had no caller ID/blocking. Still don't.
He had some input into what I wore but didn't order it all.

We've been together well over three years.

The one thing that pisses me off the most is the assumption that just because people are new to BDSM that it means they've suddenly turned stupid. The same people who do dumb things like move across country for someone they haven't met would have been stupid enough to do the same if they met on eharmony or match.com. None of these relationship skills or life skills are specific to WIITWD.

(in reply to pinkpleasures)

Post #: 51

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 2/23/2007 9:05:24 AM

jadein

Posts: 37
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

I'm so on page with this post. To be honest though Celeste ... people STILL freak out about meeting people from online in general. I've met TONS .... I'm talking 50 or more of people from online ... offline. Online is an amazing venue to meet and make friends with people you would not otherwise have ever had the chance or pleasure. Sure there are some real crazies out there ... but guess what .... there are some real crazies in real life. I am not a stupid person and I do trust my gut instincts ... If I have even the slightest bit of "something doesn't seem right here" I respectfully decline to meet said person.

I met my husband online in a chat room. We've been together for 6 1/2 years and married for 5. We have two beautiful children and other than the fact that I'm a submissive and He is not Dominant ... We are happy. *shrugs*

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 52

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 2/23/2007 9:46:10 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

From the movie Pirates of the Caribbean:
First, your return to shore was not part of our negotiations nor our agreement, so I must do nothin'. And secondly, you must be a pirate for the Pirate's Code to apply, and you're not. And thirdly, the Code is more what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules. Welcome aboard the Black Pearl, Miss Turner.

No one suggested that all newbies follow every rule. These appear to be suggestions based on experience.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

I guess I'm not true.

The one thing that pisses me off the most is the assumption that just because people are new to BDSM that it means they've suddenly turned stupid.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 53

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 2/23/2007 9:50:00 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Ok.. maybe I have only had one cup of coffee this morning, but, HOW the heck do you see the OP post as an attack on you?
Freaky. Most people who responded appeared to take it favorably.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkpleasures

Second, it seems you may have an "issue"" with me. This amazes me, since i have never seen your nick before. However, i strongly prefer such matters be handled in private, not on the boards. Please feel free to email and let me know what your issue is.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to pinkpleasures)

Post #: 54

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 2/23/2007 10:05:55 AM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

I guess I'm not true.

He's the person I went to with all my questions.
I did get into his car on the first meet.
We parked at a beach and groped in the car, if the cops hadn't driven by looking for drug dealers we would have had sex there. We wouldn't have done it outside because the mosquitoes were ferocious.
I had no safe call.
I had no interest in public stuff.
I had no caller ID/blocking. Still don't.
He had some input into what I wore but didn't order it all.

We've been together well over three years.

The one thing that pisses me off the most is the assumption that just because people are new to BDSM that it means they've suddenly turned stupid. The same people who do dumb things like move across country for someone they haven't met would have been stupid enough to do the same if they met on eharmony or match.com. None of these relationship skills or life skills are specific to WIITWD.

Who said anything about being true, Celeste?

i personally did not go to any forum for advice when meeting my first dom but i was 43 at the time and felt i had a good instinct about guys anyway. But all the OP did was give some suggestions based on what she has experienced with meeting doms. It did not appear to be an end all, be all to me....and i don't see where anyone indicated someone wasn't 'true' if they did/or have done things differently.

What worked for you probably also worked for others....but look how many newbies come on here asking the same exact questions the OP gave guidelines for.

i wonder why all the defense on this thread for what appears to be helpful pointers for some. Always ceases to amaze me

DG

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 55

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 2/24/2007 10:08:51 PM

HatesParisHilton

Posts: 3513
Joined: 12/27/2006
Status: offline

From a self-protective and very female-centric standpoint, the OP's advice is stellar.

My own suggestion, very badsic, very broad, would be to NEVER apply nilla expectations (such as "how often will he call, how often will hen e-mail", etc) to a kink-based potential partner, and NEVER expect any lovey dovey bullcrap until you actually decide to MEET a potential partner. No, you don't get Valentine's Day bullshit if you can't even go for a meet; that's what people whom HAVE MET get to expect. No, you DON;T get to be upset if you have not yet met and he does not reply when you e-mail him or leave a message about non kink related fracas/snaffu's in your life, that's what people whom have MET and PLAYED sand FUCKED get.

Don't expect anything until you are willing to lay cards on the table.

_____________________________

I am (now) "Hiltie", hear me ROARRRRR! And have a cuffy cake, they're nice.

(in reply to adaddysgirl)

Post #: 56

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 4/15/2008 9:30:38 PM

shiazn03

Posts: 90
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

thank you very much for the advices, OsideGirl!

(in reply to pinkpleasures)

Post #: 57

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 4/15/2008 9:51:23 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

I agree with about 85% of this.

Something that I commonly rail against with lists (even as I make them) is that they are one size fits all; meaning they don't really fit anyone except possibly the person who makes them.

There's another thread that addresses mentorship in detail, so I'll make my case for mentors enjoying sex with their slaves if all involved want it there. Also, female submissives are grown adults, and are capable of deciding who and when they will have sex; having said that, it's usually a good idea to take your time and get to know the guy (be it in a few hours or a few months depending on your speed) before sleeping with him.

Finally, it's more important that you be wary, but open minded. I don't even have a home telephone; my cell is with me 24/7. Yet it takes nearly no effort for me to put someone I'm talking to at ease, and know that I really am who I am, I look like what I do, and I'm probably not going to haul anyone off to a secluded field to murder them. I met my slave when I was living in Texas (she was here in California) and I collared her, literally, the night we met. It's been a great seven months since.

Point is, thbat you need to decide, for yourself, what works. Follow the rules that matter to you, and be prepared to accept the consequences of your actions, regardless of the outcome.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 58

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 4/15/2008 10:30:48 PM

emmanim

Posts: 5
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkpleasures

My mentor and i no longer are in close contact due to PC issues, but i owe Him more than i could ever repay. He was one of the Men who emailed me after i first came on-site, and i asked Him a question which must have displayed my ignorance, because He asked me if anyone was helping me. When i said "no" He offered; and devoted so much time to me it can never be repaid. Without His firm guidance, i'd be in a cage in someone's basement today.

pinkpleasures

I have no problem with anyone speaking to people about bdsm and if you didn't want to be caged in someone's basement, I would say that you probably would not have been. Not that bad things don't happen, but chances are you would have been freaked out by such an individual previous to getting to his basement. Trust your instincts and rely on your intelligence that has seen you safely through your years of life.

Mentors are a great idea though notice it is plural. I have learned many things from many different people; female slaves, submissives and dominants as well as male slaves, submissives and dominants. Another great idea is to become educated before you decide to jump into any relationship. There is a plethera of information to be had through books, websites, and your local community. I don't think it wise to ever rely on one person for all of your information.

(in reply to pinkpleasures)

Post #: 59

RE: My advice for novice female submissives - 4/16/2008 4:21:59 AM

MRandme

Posts: 661
Joined: 9/24/2007
Status: offline

Hi all,

my two cents on mentoring? Nothing says a sub has to ask a Dom to be her mentor.

Find a fellow sub with some experience under her(his) belt and ask them to help. There are email lists for subby/slave support, offline munches just for subby/slaves and plenty of places like this where you can ask questions and air concerns.

i have a good subby friend that i can talk to about anything. she used me as her safe call last weekend when meeting a new Dom, and we had fun giggling and sharing ideas as she got ready.

The advice to get several different opinions is a good one and most people are more than happy to answer a question if you ask nicely. :D

take care,
g

_____________________________

And thus i conclude with a wish you go well,
Sweet be your dreams, may your happiness swell,
I'll leave you here, for my journey begins
i've gone to be with Him again...

(in reply to emmanim)

Post #: 60

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