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RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/27/2007 10:18:10 PM

Kellendra

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlehumbledone

I have a horror of appearing clingy, so unfortunately I tend to always leave a little bit of reserve in reserve so to speak, and i've been told that its obvious that i'm holding back a little bit, and i can't quite seem to find that balance, i'm positve it puts people off...

It's a fine line thats for sure....but you are aware of it...so it's half the battle.
Gawd one day I swear I will find I have become a Kiwi female Dr Phil....

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Post #: 41

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/27/2007 10:25:01 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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My answer about "clingy". It is only considered "clingy" if you are just not that into the person any longer, or you have gone past the line of personal space they have erected for themselves.

Initially. both parties are "clingy" because of the initial rush of feelings and the mutuality is so fresh and exciting. It is also gratifying to show interest on both parts. Only when things die down then usually one or the other decides it is no longer so much fun to have that person "all over them". And, some people go too far, calling, texting too much, etc.

Sometimes, the rules change overnight though; you have to hope you are dealing with an honest person who will let you know what is going on.

This has nothing to do with being independent, it has everything to do with communication and how much communication is acceptable to each party's comfort level.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 12/27/2007 10:27:29 PM >

(in reply to Hergirl0824)

Post #: 42

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/27/2007 10:46:18 PM

littlehumbledone

Posts: 72
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kellendra

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlehumbledone

I have a horror of appearing clingy, so unfortunately I tend to always leave a little bit of reserve in reserve so to speak, and i've been told that its obvious that i'm holding back a little bit, and i can't quite seem to find that balance, i'm positve it puts people off...

It's a fine line thats for sure....but you are aware of it...so it's half the battle.
Gawd one day I swear I will find I have become a Kiwi female Dr Phil....

*grin* Yes it's a very fine line.. and one day i'll get the balance right.. and suprise the hell out of myself.

_____________________________

...
I don't need anyone to blow out another woman's candle to make mine burn brighter.

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Post #: 43

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/27/2007 10:50:53 PM

calicowgirl

Posts: 98
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlehumbledone

I have a horror of appearing clingy, so unfortunately I tend to always leave a little bit of reserve in reserve so to speak, and i've been told that its obvious that i'm holding back a little bit, and i can't quite seem to find that balance, i'm positve it puts people off...

I am the same. I don't want to be clingy or a pest so tend to under do instead of over do. I'm learning to communicate better and in ways so that this area of my life is greatly improving.

cali

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(in reply to littlehumbledone)

Post #: 44

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/28/2007 12:00:06 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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Intersting topic with lots of interesting comments. I have been taught to be independent while relying on him. Make sense? :) I rely on the comfort of belonging to him, on his knowledge, on his energy within me, and on all he has taught me. He is my base, whom I can channel to so that I function well in all (most) areas of my life, relying on him whether he is with me or not. It was difficult to get to this point. I started out really clingy and then learned how to strengthen myself so that I do not need to physically be near him in order to feel his presence in me.

While I sometimes ache tremendously in his absence, I embrace it, because it comes with my slavery, and it is a small price to pay for all I experience as his slave. Sometimes I have a more difficult time than others, but I don't cry to him of it as that would annoy him. Instead I tell him I am suffering quietly for him, missing him, and dealing with it. He loves knowing I will ache for him and feel clingy to him and not complain about it. He loves knowing I need him yet function in his absence because of what he has taught me to do.

So yes, I am clingy in my own weird way. And yes, I need him, and yes, I can think of no place I would rather be than under his ownership.

(in reply to KindLadyGrey)

Post #: 45

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/28/2007 1:36:17 AM

wolfsprincess

Posts: 57
Joined: 9/25/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KindLadyGrey

Is it such a terrible thing to be a clingy submissive when the very nature of submission encourages emotional dependence?

i don't agree at all that "the very nature of submission encourages emotional dependence".
To me, being "clingy" is unfair to the Master. i see it as becoming TOO emotionally dependant on the presence and/or emotional support of the Master. When i surrendered my life to Master, i didn't surrender my emotional health. If anything, i strengthened it and learned MANY new ways of dealing with feelings and issues.
my Master promotes independence to a certain degree. i still need His permission to do things; He makes all decisions, etc., but He wants me at a point where i CAN and WILL be fine if i ever find myself without Him, unable to reach Him, etc.

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(in reply to KindLadyGrey)

Post #: 46

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/28/2007 1:58:53 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

Very interesting topic and wonderful answeres and comments!

To me, once again, motives come into play. What is the underlying emotion behind the "clinginess"? Is it fear? Is it jealousy? Is it omg how will i get through the day is he planning on leaving me is he seeing someone else that ratbastard how could he do this to me? Then it's probably a bad kind of clingy-dependance. i personally don't think relationships based on fear are healthy relationships, just my opinion.

Like many others, i tend to be reserved, not willing to wear my heart on my sleeve not willing to risk my heart, keep it friendly, keep it professional.... so it has amazed me what has happened once i did open my heart. For now, we spend more days apart than together and each day apart feels wrong, tilted, not quite plumb, but there is no fear.

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(in reply to KindLadyGrey)

Post #: 47

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/28/2007 2:53:28 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KindLadyGrey

And almost ALL the replies so far have either implicitly or tacitly cautioned the poster not to be CLINGY.

Am I the only one who thinks this is terribly unfair? As a Domme, I often explicitly foster some kind of emotional dependence in my submissives. This doesn't mean I want to strip them of their individualism or ability to cope with life on their own, but part of the submissive experience in a serious relationship is surrendering completely to another person and trusting that they will take care of you to the best of their ability. I think it's terrible when I hear stories about a Dominant who suddenly starts ignoring a sub without giving a reason*, and I likewise feel that it is a very natural reaction for a sub to feel a lot of anxiety when this happens.

So I throw this question out to the forums: Is it such a terrible thing to be a clingy submissive when the very nature of submission encourages emotional dependence?

I think there is a huge difference in general between male Dominants and Dommes. I think that it is a genealisation (and having just posted on the t-girlsd thread I hope this doesn't sound like I am backtracking about gender issues.
But however I do feel from my experience that male Dominants 'drop' their sub more so than a female Domme. In discussions with a current male Dom he has explained this as part of his sexuality. When he's done, he's done and enters what he calls a different universe. He wants isolation and quiet and to be left alone and thinking about, caring about or supporting his sub never occurs to him. It's kind of tough being a sub to a Dominant like this. His words were: I don't care how you empower yourself but just go away and do it.
I have been kicked out, I have been made to wait (for hours), I have not heard from him for days either by text or phone or any means of communication, between scenes.
Indeed, were I not as mature as I am as a submissive, then it would be impossible. But dominant women are different and the intervening period more supportive. That's just me and I don't want to make a generalised gender statement about it it's just from my own experience.
Surprisingly I prefer the 'drop' as it does empower me.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 12/28/2007 2:55:35 AM >

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Post #: 48

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/28/2007 3:04:28 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

Males tend to run in cycles. We store up enery for a scene, go through with it and expend it all at once. Then we need time to recover. The energy to pay close attention to the woman just isn't there afterwards-leaving some feeling alone and rather neglected. It's really not a personal thing-it's more biologically hard wired.

The sexes DO vary in how thier minds and bodies work-don't expect a man to operate the same as a woman does.

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Post #: 49

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/28/2007 3:04:56 AM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

I'm in agreement KindLadyGrey. I do enourage my slaves to be somewhat dependant.

To the other posters, as always, what is my kink, might not be yours, but it doesn't make it less valid.

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(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 50

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/28/2007 4:32:25 AM

littlehumbledone

Posts: 72
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: calicowgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlehumbledone

I have a horror of appearing clingy, so unfortunately I tend to always leave a little bit of reserve in reserve so to speak, and i've been told that its obvious that i'm holding back a little bit, and i can't quite seem to find that balance, i'm positve it puts people off...

I am the same. I don't want to be clingy or a pest so tend to under do instead of over do. I'm learning to communicate better and in ways so that this area of my life is greatly improving.

cali

yes, thats it, I under do rather than over do, horror of appearing like a clingy pest... even when i'm told that it's ok to be totally honest. ... bah

_____________________________

...
I don't need anyone to blow out another woman's candle to make mine burn brighter.

(in reply to calicowgirl)

Post #: 51

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/28/2007 4:42:41 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

Intersting topic with lots of interesting comments. I have been taught to be independent while relying on him. Make sense? :) I rely on the comfort of belonging to him, on his knowledge, on his energy within me, and on all he has taught me. He is my base, whom I can channel to so that I function well in all (most) areas of my life, relying on him whether he is with me or not. It was difficult to get to this point. I started out really clingy and then learned how to strengthen myself so that I do not need to physically be near him in order to feel his presence in me.

While I sometimes ache tremendously in his absence, I embrace it, because it comes with my slavery, and it is a small price to pay for all I experience as his slave. Sometimes I have a more difficult time than others, but I don't cry to him of it as that would annoy him. Instead I tell him I am suffering quietly for him, missing him, and dealing with it. He loves knowing I will ache for him and feel clingy to him and not complain about it. He loves knowing I need him yet function in his absence because of what he has taught me to do.

So yes, I am clingy in my own weird way. And yes, I need him, and yes, I can think of no place I would rather be than under his ownership.

every word of this moved me and is wonderful to read

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 52

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/28/2007 4:45:08 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Males tend to run in cycles. We store up enery for a scene, go through with it and expend it all at once. Then we need time to recover. The energy to pay close attention to the woman just isn't there afterwards-leaving some feeling alone and rather neglected. It's really not a personal thing-it's more biologically hard wired.

The sexes DO vary in how thier minds and bodies work-don't expect a man to operate the same as a woman does.

being bi helps....as I get both the hard wire and the soft feathers mmmm

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 53

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/28/2007 5:26:01 AM

wisteriaV

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Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

BiteGirl as to not hijack the thread I have sent you a private response.

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Post #: 54

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/28/2007 6:02:07 AM

kitttty

Posts: 494
Joined: 10/10/2007
Status: offline

I rarely call when not given permission. I think Ive done it twice in total. But I am clingy and emotionally dependent.

All this about not being an emotionally dependent sub is moontalk to me. I dont understand D/s without emotional dependence. Someone else can give you 'subspace' without you becoming emotionally dependent on them?

I do not absolutely need Master to comfort me through any external situation, but the one thing I am totally dependent on him is for his dominant presence. So, when he withdraws that presence, I go nuts.

(in reply to wisteriaV)

Post #: 55

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/28/2007 6:20:21 AM

SeeksOnlyOne

Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

i was married for almost 20 years to a man who would get mad and ignore me-literally not speak for sometimes a week or 2. he would never let me know why, and it damaged me horribly. when he was over being pissed, it was c'mere baby lets fuck, and for a long time i did it his way.

then i realized i didnt like it and didnt have to agree to it. i learned to clam up for days at a time....i would cook supper and do all my duties around the house, but not speak to him. well, he hated it, and said he would not tolerate being treated in such a way. i told him you taught me to handle anger and frustration this way, so look within your self.

needless to say, the marriage ended. i have had 5 years to find my self and learn to love me again.

i could not deal with a dynamic that included being ignored as punishment. i could not deal with a dynamic where i was not allowed to call if i needed his shoulder to cry on. very seldom would i choose to do that, mind you, but if i reached the point of wanting that comfort, needing it in fact, and was rejected, it would end the relationship immediately.

no ones fault, just differences of ideas and roles.

if that makes me clingy, so be it.....it just makes me....well.........me, and the one thing i have learned in the past 5 years is i am most content being me.

there may or may not be someone out there who can accept me as i am, but i have to accept me as i am...i have to live with me every minute of every day.

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in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

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Post #: 56

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/28/2007 6:31:24 AM

Rushemery

Posts: 310
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Males tend to run in cycles. We store up enery for a scene, go through with it and expend it all at once. Then we need time to recover. The energy to pay close attention to the woman just isn't there afterwards-leaving some feeling alone and rather neglected. It's really not a personal thing-it's more biologically hard wired.

I do not agree with this at all, everyone is different and I bet there are a few who may say so as well,

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 57

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/28/2007 6:34:21 AM

OldBastardly1

Posts: 651
Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Atlanta, GA
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There is a difference between being clingy and being attentive.

Sometimes ignoring a sub is an attention-getter for her. Sometimes it is better to be silent than to speak before you have thought through the issue at hand.

I prefer to be with somebody that *wants* to be with me instead of somebody that *needs* to be with me.

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Post #: 58

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/28/2007 6:44:13 AM

SeeksOnlyOne

Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OldBastardly1

There is a difference between being clingy and being attentive.

Sometimes ignoring a sub is an attention-getter for her. Sometimes it is better to be silent than to speak before you have thought through the issue at hand.

I prefer to be with somebody that *wants* to be with me instead of somebody that *needs* to be with me.

i absolutely agree with you there......i like to think of it as compliments me, not completes me.

but i think it is not asking too much to expect a man who calls him self a dom to be able to say i need some time to think so i dont say something we both regret....please leave me alone until i call you to me. not just shut down.

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to OldBastardly1)

Post #: 59

RE: On Clingy Submissives - 12/28/2007 6:53:09 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SeeksOnlyOne

quote:

ORIGINAL: OldBastardly1

There is a difference between being clingy and being attentive.

Sometimes ignoring a sub is an attention-getter for her. Sometimes it is better to be silent than to speak before you have thought through the issue at hand.

I prefer to be with somebody that *wants* to be with me instead of somebody that *needs* to be with me.

i absolutely agree with you there......i like to think of it as compliments me, not completes me.

but i think it is not asking too much to expect a man who calls him self a dom to be able to say i need some time to think so i dont say something we both regret....please leave me alone until i call you to me. not just shut down.

I started a thread long ago on "needing" people... I suppose I can understand people that do not want to be "needed", but I have changed some. I can understand people that do not want a life sucking vortex that they spend all their time feeding, but being needed, I would asl why people think they do not need that.

I have gotten to a point in my life, if I was ever dating and someone told me the line, " I do not want you to need me, only want me"... I would run. I spent my entire adult life getting to the place where I admitted I had needs, needed to need, and embraced that as a good and healthy thing. Going back to not needing someone, it would be regressing to me

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 12/28/2007 6:56:39 AM >

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Post #: 60

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