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RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/29/2007 8:25:01 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		No one can change me, unless I give them persmission. I work to no longer give that permission because I feel that is unhealthy for me. I can, and will, only change myself. Only I am responsible for me.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to chellekitty)
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RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/29/2007 8:32:48 PM   
MissSCD


Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		My slave helps me in many ways.  We are a team.   If I get upset about an issue at home or work, he can calm me down.
He has really helped me with my medical issue (bipolar).  He watches for the signals of a mood swing.  Sometimes he can stop it, but unfortunately, he cannot stop the swing all the time.
We do not agree on polics. We don't discuss it.
The answer to the op's question for me is Yes.
 
Regards, MissSCD

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/29/2007 8:43:57 PM   
lighthearted


Posts: 1165
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline 		I think it's like any other close relationships I have...I want them to be the best person they can be, I can tell them what they may or may not see about themselves, but it's up to them to do something about it.  I don't want to get specific because both of them lurk here, but I do feel I've made a positive impact in both of the D/s relationships I've been in.

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RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/29/2007 8:58:45 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Submissives/slaves - do you want to be able to help your D-types in their process of bettering themselves? or have you in the past? how so, specifically?



I would like to think that he is a better person for having known me, because I am certainly a better person for having known him. I believe I have taught him things, he isn't the type of person that can be captivated by someone that has nothing to offer insofar as intellectually challenging him to think about the world he lives in. He didn't want a lightweight for a submissive.

I would have to ask him to know for sure if he minds me helping him better himself, but I am pretty sure he would answer that he thinks it is my job to help him to do that if I see some way open to do so. Of course it is his decision as to if he wants that help, because as he says... "It's my world, you just live in it"

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Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/29/2007 10:06:44 PM   
darcwolf


Posts: 4
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline 		I'm sure that everyone has an opinion based on what they believe.  I know that I not only expect to help my sub grow and become better in any aspects which I can help, but I also expect her to do the same for me.  Living life measn to continually change, adapt, grow.  A relationship has to do the same, each participant puts forth their all to make the other happy, content, and look forward to the next day.  Each puts their heart into the hands of another, so what's to say a Dom has to be so one sided.  Some may be, but each is different.

(in reply to slaveluci)
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RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/29/2007 10:58:34 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Having read other's responses, I see that the interpretation I had of what the OP was saying was different than everyone else, it seems. The OP talked about changing someone. I took that to mean a forced change. It seems that what was meant was to create an atmosphere that facilitates the positive changes we attempt for ourselves. THIS I agree with and I can whole-heartedly say that yes, ALL of the slave in my life have done this, in one way or another. I hope to do the same for them.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/30/2007 12:21:45 AM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		There was a really great thread on this a month or two ago, but I'm way to lazy to find it.  I just remember liking what ownedgirlie had to say on it.

I give him information and feedback, not necessarily push him down a path of self-enlightenment.  I don't expect a person to be that 'extra push' I need to accomplish 'x.' I know that strength comes from within.  Conversely, he'd never expect me to be that person either.  We are definitely positive forces in the others' life, however; I believe that the only sincere and permanent growth people make comes from a desire inside themselves not from an outside force.


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(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/30/2007 3:40:26 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		I certainly want to be with those who can help me learn by discussion and showing me things I don't know about. Improving myself  requires change and makes me happier. We all have the capacity for improvement.

Something I've noticed with the CM posters is that those who begin relationships here start to exhibit a change with their posts in a good way. It may only be a thing such as grammar getting better because the new submissive checks her Dom's post for mistakes, but I do see beneficial changes that I relate to their relationship.

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RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/30/2007 5:58:29 AM   
SlavesSoul


Posts: 22
Joined: 8/20/2006
Status: offline 		My Papa in the life told me a story yaers ago about an older male slave.

  He was retired, and had some health issues There were a lot of more physically demanding things that he could not do, so rather than decide he was worthless to an owner, he thought about what he could offer that would be different, but equally desired.

  Since he was retired, and not in need of an income, he had time...much more so than his owner. He offered to learn anything that his owner would like to learn if he had the time to do so, and then teach his owner those things.

  His owner became and expert on wines, he learned a couple of different languages and about other cultures ( for travel). He became knowledgable in serveral areas he might not have.

    The boy did this quietly and behind the scenes. The owner enjoyed the opportunity to broaden his horizons...the boy felt that he was providing a great service, and felt content that he was useful.

k


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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/30/2007 6:41:22 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
I would like to think that he is a better person for having known me, because I am certainly a better person for having known him. I believe I have taught him things, he isn't the type of person that can be captivated by someone that has nothing to offer insofar as intellectually challenging him to think about the world he lives in. He didn't want a lightweight for a submissive.

I just wanted to "ditto," this, julia.  I like how you summed up what I was thinking............luci

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(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/30/2007 8:40:01 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		nothing yanks my chain more than some chest banging, narcassist that feels that they can better me and my life because they are the 'dominant' part of the equation...

in my world and my relationships, we are equal but opposite halfs of the equation and will strive to assist each other to become better, stronger, etc.  if that means that i can help him better his financial end of things because i'm better with handling money, or he can better my skills as a cook because he's a world renouned chef, than so be it. 


(in reply to chellekitty)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/30/2007 2:28:46 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		The myth of dom as the active helper/teacher/guider/mentor/leader/therapist and the sub as the student/mentee/follower/patient is one I highly desire to kill

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1418248/mpage_1/key_subs%252Cteaching/tm.htm#1418747
Submissives Teaching/Guiding Dominants

http://www.collarchat.com/m_389702/mpage_3/key_helping/tm.htm#400216
When a Dominant has an achilles heel

http://www.collarchat.com/m_879718/mpage_1/key_guiding/tm.htm#879722
Guiding Master



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RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/30/2007 4:18:18 PM   
KnOcala


Posts: 260
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		As a newbie, I listed myself as a switch.  I have had some experiences playing the dominant role, but felt my lack of experience really was a problem with where I wanted to go with the scene, but in each case my partner was vanilla and had little to offer afterwards.  

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/30/2007 4:23:16 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
The myth of dom as the active helper/teacher/guider/mentor/leader/therapist and the sub as the student/mentee/follower/patient is one I highly desire to kill


this is exactly what i was trying to challenge...

thanks
chelle

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RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/30/2007 8:09:51 PM   
cankles


Posts: 59
Joined: 8/18/2006
Status: offline 		i think d/s is a bit of a red herring in this discussion; that kind of mutual ambition, guidance, whatever you want to call it - it's no less present in any healthy vanilla relationship. it's not an emotional dependency, but a practical one. if someone, sub or dom, has a problem with this, then i would suggest they might be too caught up in the mutually-acknowledged fiction of the d/s lifestyle, and i think some people outsmart themselves in this way - being overly literal about the aspects of the power exchange dynamic that reflect their submission/dominance, at the expense of things that could potentially enrich the relationship.

(in reply to chellekitty)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/30/2007 8:50:41 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
The myth of dom as the active helper/teacher/guider/mentor/leader/therapist and the sub as the student/mentee/follower/patient is one I highly desire to kill


this is exactly what i was trying to challenge...

thanks
chelle


For some people it isn't a myth that their partner is all of those things to them. Just because someone is a dominant does not mean they will automatically become all of those things for their submissive, but they can be many of those things... I see nothing wrong with a dominant performing many of those roles for a submissive as long as the people involved are happy with it.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/30/2007 9:00:03 PM   
cankles


Posts: 59
Joined: 8/18/2006
Status: offline 		i think her point of contention wasn't with the notion of the dom-as-teacher, and more with the idea that the sub cannot contribute in return or that a sub can't instruct and inform their dom (for fear of being insufficiently submissive, if nothing else)

i can't speak for her tho!

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/30/2007 9:23:38 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cankles

i think her point of contention wasn't with the notion of the dom-as-teacher, and more with the idea that the sub cannot contribute in return or that a sub can't instruct and inform their dom (for fear of being insufficiently submissive, if nothing else)

i can't speak for her tho!



Of course submissives can do these things, but I can see how and why some submissives wouldn't want to do these things. For some it would mean they had power in the relationship they did not want. For some it maybe seen as undermining the power exchange. Some people just want the roles to be clear cut..

The best thing people can do is spell out the roles they have in a way that makes sense to them.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to cankles)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/30/2007 9:24:21 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		It's very much 2-way between Master and myself ... being older, i have had some experiences and life skills that He hasn't had yet ... He learns from me and i encourage Him to experience those things for Himself. For example, i have bought and sold houses ... He hadn't ... so i gently persuaded (OK there was a bit of coercion!) Him to handle the purchase of this house. He admitted afterwards it was good for Him to be the One talking to lawyers, agents etc and handling these things. And i could see that He gained confidence in His ability to do so through the process. i have other skills such as organisational ones that, as He says, He'd be a fool if He didn't utilise fully! From Him, i have learned much more about my emotions, particularly how former partners would press the buttons and trigger off a cascade of emotions. Master is the only One i have met who can stop that cascade in its tracks! And He does so with His calm yet firm question "Just who do you think you're talking to?" How much i relish His control at those times when i lose my self-control! What's even better is that over the 3 years, the times when that has to be invoked are rapidly decreasing, i am so much more emotionally stable now. And that feels wonderful, especially as i head into menopause!

I think it's not about changing anyone ... I firmly believe the only one we can change is ourselves ... but it's about facilitating change, providing the opportunity to make changes, guiding and encouraging change. And I think that can happen D to s and s to D ... it's what should be happening in any close healthy relationship.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]
Edited to add: Unlike one poster, I don't believe anyone is a "final product" ... not Me, not Master, no one. W/we are all "works in progress" and sometimes W/we need a little kick here or there to make that progress!

< Message edited by MaamJay -- 12/30/2007 9:26:15 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: submssives helping Dominants better themselves? - 12/30/2007 9:30:33 PM   
christine1


Posts: 6155
Joined: 12/15/2007
From: i'm headed to HIM...
Status: offline 		i think it is natural for both parties in a relationship to better the other whether they do it consciously or not.  i don't think that means that one has to become a teacher or dominant over the other for this to happen, it can happen with a word of encouragement or a compliment...i dont' think it is that complicated.

(in reply to MaamJay)
Profile   Post #: 40
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