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RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 12:59:49 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aeon

My goodness, my goodness. What a tangled web we weave! LOL Okay some background on me before I say my bit...
I was in an abusive relationship for THREE years (and even after three years of

Aeon, I really, truly want to read what you have to say, but it's too hard on these old eyes. Can you break it up into paragraphs with some space in between? Thanks.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Aeon)

Post #: 41

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 1:14:22 PM

ligar59

Posts: 55
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline

this relationship has more holes than swiss cheese. Quit trying to convince yourself that this relationship isn't over.Save yourself the pain and anguish and end it.

(in reply to myanon)

Post #: 42

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 1:16:40 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Dear myanon, Ladies and Gentlemen;

Sometimes a person has to go inside and define what power means to them. Your question was how do I get my power back? What makes a person think they have power? What creates your power? What powers do you have? What did you do to earn your power? What powers did you give to another to understand what you gave to another?, Entrusted to another?

For some, power equals money, wealth. Some see power as commanding a group of people, like a General over a few divisions of troops. Some see power through government. Some see it through inspiring others getting healing, medicial help, free of debt, teaching and such.
It all is earned in some way--much like respect. Unless you inherit something--power isn't an entitlement; its a lot of hard work.

Would you empower someone who has no common sense with a plunger hooked to 1,000 tons of TNT with people in danger and they could care less of collateral damage and or affects and or effects on others, buildings/property, etc? I hope not--I'd take the plunger away and hold it until someone is qualified to do so.

I realize there hasn't been the proper closure--this is something that will refuse past issues to die or be put to rest. Until the person who hurts you, from their heart apologizes and changes their attitude, behavior and works hard to make the apology 'honest;' its not going away. Anybody can lip service an apology but; its not going to do anything to change the relationship and or dynamic. Even so, its a long hill to climb back to equal powers.

I wouldn't mind seeing someone like you TOP somebody outside the immediate relationship so your mind/spirit/emotional/physical self has a fresh slate to heal with. Working on yourself is most important--the rest will follow--good or bad.

Being an old lady and at my age; I wouldn't have tolerated the first humiliation, back sas, hurtful words--especially the cheating--there are plenty of people who would love the chance to love and respect me. I know my personal wealth, that is my power--knowing myself and how much I am worth, how much I deserve as far as treatment--not much different from knowing the dollar worth of a gold bar. I don't give it away for a nickle and or a dime.
I want someone to invest their wealth in me as much as I invest in them.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

< Message edited by LadyHugs -- 12/29/2007 1:21:21 PM >

(in reply to myanon)

Post #: 43

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 1:35:30 PM

MistressNoName

Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
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myanon,

First off, you're welcome. I hope something I write here will be of some use to you in your present situation.

I wanted to address also this -

quote:

She's requested that I dominate her... but she won't exactly submit to me when I try.

quote:

You may want to be the dominant in the relationship, but you need her agree to be the submissive. Plus since you both switch, she may not feel that she can submit to you. Some people can't handle a dominant who switches.

good point and quite possible... although she has at times submitted to me (not just bottoming) it's just inconsistent and not that easy for either of us to do or to switch back that easily.

I think that part of success in power-exchange relationships, is in understanding the nature of one's natural style as well as that of their partner. A good kink-friendly counselor can help you in sorting this out. If your partner's submissive style is of an antagonistic type, ie: "make me submit to you, don't just expect it of me" then you need to know first of all if that is the style you want to dominate and are equipped to dominate. I know of a few subs who operate this way and I believe it is a valid style of submission, but have no doubt, these submissives need Dominants who can handle them and who want to handle them...that's the key. However, it may be that this simply is not the type of domination that you want to do. In which case, this not be the right type of submissive for you to dominate. And I do not see that as any failure either on your part or her part. It may just be your styles clash. And I don't even think that just b'c this may not be your style, that that need be the end of the story. If you are truly open to learning how to operate differently. But you have to search within yourself to find out what you truly desire and whether or not you have it in you to learn how to deal with an antagonistic submissive.

I'll wait for your response before writing anything more.

MNN

_____________________________

aka Ms Petal - Check Me out on the Web.

(in reply to myanon)

Post #: 44

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 1:40:48 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: myanon
Let me re-phrase my question slightly then.

If you don't feel confident in dominating or submitting (because we both switch) to your partner and if you find it hard to get into sex or get your partner to get into sex... and some of this is down to insecurity, confidence, ongoing trust issues etc. based on bad past experiences in the relationship (even though everything else between you is now great)... how would you go about improving things to improve your sex life, your scenes and your confidence?

Therapy.

For you as an individual -- your reactions, your feelings, it's got to start with you.

For her as an individual -- not necessary unless it becomes clear she wants help.

For you both as a couple -- different therapists please so there is no conflict of interest or loyalty.

If you aren't willing to put in the time, money, and damned hard work, it will get get fixed or better. It may hide for a while, but it will not go away until you confront it head on.

I'm not a therapist, I doubt few on here are and even if so, they don't know you and the relationship. You need objective help.

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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

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(in reply to myanon)

Post #: 45

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 1:43:36 PM

myanon

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Not happy

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 46

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 2:08:53 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

Yes it is an individual issue of confidence (within this relationship... normally I'm very confident within relationships and I remain very confident professionally) and the past still eating at me... which I'm trying to improve and I'm seeking ways to do this. I put all the background information in there as simply that... background... but unfortunately everyone got so hung up those issues.

If you have confidence, then act with confidence. Choose a path and walk its length....with confidence. The woman will follow, or she will not. Be at peace with either outcome.

_____________________________

(in reply to myanon)

Post #: 47

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 2:25:00 PM

BOUNTYHUNTER

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With our"power "we have two choices as I see it,one to hold it tight or give it up to another,Once you give up your power",your chi'then its a long hard road to retrieve it...I would start today buckle up,determine that you live for yourself and not another...
Walk the journey until you find one that will appreciate your choice to surrender...Be mental tough on your self and make hard choices...What you may want or think you need today may be entirely different tommorrow...This is the very reason to advise those that ask to take time before jumping from the fire into the frying pan.....

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US going to hell in a hand basket/

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 48

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 2:25:01 PM

MistressFaye1

Posts: 276
Joined: 10/7/2007
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myanon,

I'm going against the grain here... Dammit, W/we love who W/we love. Today's society is so quick to throw things away rather than trying to hang in there and try to make it work. I say only YOU know when you're had enough. You've said time and time again that she changed and that things have gotten better.

You're also willing to admit that at this time you're the one having a hard time. I wish more people valued their relationships enough to not be so quick to give up and for that I applaud you!

Now as for getting back your power--- go to one of the many erotic story sites...pick one out with sublime domination that turns you on... get what you need to enact it...take her away and do the damn thing! Fake it til you make it! In other words play the role with all your heart until it again becomes more natural and you feel more confident. This will also tell you if she really wants your dominance if she does...she will humbly submit, if not, at least you know.

Hell you may even decide this is a relationship better off vanilla...

JMHO...

Ms. Faye

_____________________________

You can put away your masquerade
You won't ever have to be afraid of Me
Open up your eyes and see what is in store
I must the One that you are searching for.

(in reply to myanon)

Post #: 49

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 2:31:24 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: myanon

ok ok... I expected some of the above... it's likely I would say the same thing if it wasn't me... but I am also looking for some more constructive advice based on the fact that I don't want to break up with her... thanks to those who gave me some ideas with that in mind... and I know those telling me to get the hell out of here are also offering good advice... I just don't want to do that.

I guess I wasn't clear enough about the time frame and where we are now comparatively... there frankly isn't enough room in this message space to give all the details! We've been together for close to 2 years and much of the past year or so has involved little or no bad behaviour on her part. We've talked about it and she understands how it made me feel and she's stopped all that. The problem is, it's still resonating around and causing an effect today.

Let me re-phrase my question slightly then.

If you don't feel confident in dominating or submitting (because we both switch) to your partner and if you find it hard to get into sex or get your partner to get into sex... and some of this is down to insecurity, confidence, ongoing trust issues etc. based on bad past experiences in the relationship (even though everything else between you is now great)... how would you go about improving things to improve your sex life, your scenes and your confidence?

You're getting alot of advice here about power exchange relationships, however, this clearly is not one, nor do I think she desires one at all. We don't know you or your situation truly so you have to take what you can from our advice that you think fits your situation.

If what you say is actually true and she has discontinued the negative, belittling, humilaiting, challenging behaviors, it is possible that she was doing it because she has a hard time getting close to others. That could be her issue with not truly enjoying sex also. I think it's possible that you could turn this around, I don't, however, think it's probable. Trust is a delicate thing and having "power" (as you call it) is based on confidence.

I have no idea how you will feel either going forward with this person without therapy of some type. I would suggest relationship therapy to look at what's going on, what both of your goals are and how each of you can be more positive. I would also suggest that you see an individual therapist apart from the one doing the relationship therapy to look at how you let yourself get to this point and how you can try to salvage the relationship but still have demands that keep you healthy and happy. Tammy Jo is correct, you need some objective help and online therapy is complete bunk, I would not go there. I have no idea where a place could exist that therapy isn't an option. You can even go to a church pastor, there are so many avenues for therapy IN PERSON with someone that knows you that you can avail yourself of. I can't imagine how it is not an option, can you explain that?

However, I have to tell you there's very little I'm hearing here that's positive FOR YOU in this relationship and the reason you don't have any "power" is because YOU aren't taking care of YOU and you're letting some other person walk over you. No one will respect another when they put themselves in such a situation and stay, including yourself. Take her out of the equation for a moment, how do you really feel about YOU in this relationship?

Good luck with this OP. It seems to be quite an uphill battle.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to myanon)

Post #: 50

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 3:24:26 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

Alot of this stuff was some time ago

Dear myanon
(Disclaimer precedes this and what follows is hence merely my personal opinion):
'Some time ago' is the crux of the relationship. Relationships are processes and they are time processes as well as place processes. They have to change over time. Try re-writing everything you said above and leave out all of the 'they did' 'they said' statements. For these you are not responsible. Over the they said they did they went they thought etcs you have NO CONTROL unless that is a dynamic you both pre-empt and agree upon.
However, thinking like a woman, as I do, I have done all of the above, unruly, unabashed rebel that I am. I was testing my boundaries, seeking someone who could contain me and master me. Ahhhh a collar is a well-earned commodity in these parts: not so much a symbol of being owned but a symbol of the Master's/Mistress's ability to embrace wildness untamed.
Do you see the difference?
Perhaps you are a submissive under the skin. Perhaps yu are a closet switch. Who knows; I certainly don't but it would help you to take this back to its source...........................

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 12/29/2007 3:31:44 PM >

(in reply to myanon)

Post #: 51

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 5:32:58 PM

Aeon

Posts: 199
Joined: 6/5/2006
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My goodness, my goodness. What a tangled web we weave! LOL Okay some background on me before I say my bit...

I was in an abusive relationship for THREE years (and even after three years of invested time it was still best to end it). I was a victim of the evil trifecta...psychological, emotional AND physical abuse. So the description of your past dealings with this woman truly resonate with me. I will assure you that an abusive relationship is exactly what you "had" in the beginning. Abusers ALWAYS follow the same patterns. They talk themselves up to seem the perfect partner and charm the pants right off of you. Then they isolate you and break you down...emotionally. That way once the victim realizes they are being victimized they are already so "in love" and insecure that they feel they cannot function without that person and choose instead to fight through it and refuse to give up. Much of this describes exactly how your girlfriend behaved.

Now I am going to take your word for the fact that her behavior has changed although it is my experience that abusive people never change, they merely find other ways to manifest their abuse. The problem seems to be that YOU have NOT changed. When she did these things to you in the past and you did nothing about it, you allowed her to become your Domme and you her sub. The roles have been set. She is obviously much more comfortable in the role of the top simply based on the fact that it was her natural inclination in the beginning when the relationship was new. If she cannot get into having sex with you anymore or gets out of the mood as easily as she gets into it then it sounds like she's just comfortable with you and not so much seeing you as an equal partner worthy of admiration or sexual desire. And in all honesty you are allowing her to continue feeling this way by not demanding the treatment you deserve. By showing a lack of enthusiasm in your sexual encounters she is still topping you in that she is controlling your ability to function furthering your lack of confidence and insecurity. I'm not saying she is doing this consciously, but nevertheless she is doing it. As I've stated, the roles have been set.

So what to do now? First of all, this is not about changing who she is. You need to reset the dynamic in your relationship which seems to be more about changing how YOU feel. To be perfectly blunt I think as the others do...that you should leave. I find it hard to believe that you will be able to reverse the damage that has obviously been done. But if there is any hope, you're gonna have to suck it up to start with. You're going to have to finally let go of all those things that you say are in the past (as its obvious that they are still very present in your mind). Give yourself a pep talk three times a day in the mirror if you have to! But put up a wall of self-confidence that no one can break through. So that no matter what she says or does it will bounce off of you with no effect. And definitely realize and accept that all those things she did to make you feel insecure were done because of her own insecurity. See it for the pathetic, weak behavior it was. Hold onto her weakness in your heart and mind. And as was said before no more wishy-washiness. You're going to have to overcompensate now coming back from a negative. Stick to topping for a while and make it clear that things are going to be the way you want them or not at all. That you've had enough. Its been two years. Its high time for this relationship to either work or not work....the moment of truth so to speak. You need to re-establish your Dominance in order to FEEL that you have regained her respect and undo the dynamic that has been established in both of your subconscious. Then and ONLY then will you be able to trust her again with your submission and really command hers.

These are very hard to rectify issues that you're dealing with because they are based on history and memories (which cannot be changed) and subconscious emotional reactions (which are incredibly hard to alter). Hence my lack of optimism (sorry for that). But I do wish you the best of luck.

LOL...is that better Califchick??

(in reply to myanon)

Post #: 52

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 5:59:29 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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I sincerely hope the OP reads and re-reads all this great advice; there has been particularly awesome advice here in this thread, more than usual. So much so, that I have nothing to add.

(in reply to Aeon)

Post #: 53

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 7:32:01 PM

JoydeVivre

Posts: 3
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

I'm not going to read through all the posts (sorry) but just felt from the first page there was one word missing:

Boundaries.

Set your boundaries as to what you will expect, and when those boundaries are crossed tell her exactly how she cross your boundary, and then discipline her.

You need to be consistent - if she can't respect you out of scene don't expect respect when you are topping her. So find your spine, grab your cane and gags and get ready to discipline her back into line :)

(in reply to myanon)

Post #: 54

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 7:44:51 PM

Sirsinini

Posts: 172
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

she has managed to make me feel very insecure and doubt myself.

I havent read any farther than the OP's post.... so if this has been said, I am sure it has, but once again ~~~
No one can MAKE YOU feel anyway. Basic psycho therapy 101.

Everything else you mentioned? My POV, you never had control, she dissed you and you took it. Now you want to take back what you never had with her.

Good luck !!

Sir's devoted property

(in reply to myanon)

Post #: 55

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 7:59:25 PM

WillowRain

Posts: 191
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: myanon

A little background on me... I am a confident person, I am successful, I do important work, I feel like I can do anything I put my mind to, I'm responsible, caring, assertive, loving and generally speaking I'm a good person. In all my previous relationships I have been the one primarily in control... I didn't consider myself dominant at the time and I often deferred to my partner(s) at the time because I wanted to please them or it wasn't that important to me... but I always knew that if I wanted something done my way then it would be accepted instantly if I said it was to be that way. All my relationships have worked very naturally this way until now...

Now... I'm in a relationship with a girl whom I love very much and I don't want to end the relationship but I need to make some changes because it's not going well in some areas. The main problem is that she has managed to make me feel very insecure and doubt myself. I'm certain this wasn't done deliberately on her part, she just didn't know any better and she didn't know how her actions and words would affect me and our relationship. I also know that I've allowed this to happen too and it's not just her "fault". I know that I can change things but I need a little help and a few suggestions from you guys because this has been a long time developing and will take some hard work to undo.

Some background on the things that have happened to make me feel this way...

Early on in our relationship she was very vocal on her wealth of experience... the number of people she had slept with... what kinky things she had done etc. She never outwardly said that I didn't have the sort of experience to keep up with her but it was implied and the way she asked me questions like "oh you've been with so and so for that long and you never even did that???" made me feel pretty inexperienced and insecure about what I do know and can do. The ironic thing is she was really just talking herself up and I'm actually far more experienced than her... but those little seeds of doubt and insecurity were planted.

She also humiliated and mocked me quite alot in the early days when we were having sex or just generally... again I think it was to make herself feel big or she was just trying to be bratty without realising the impact. Like if I was topping her she'd say things like "oh are you on a power trip now?". Having previously had all other partners just accept and really enjoy me topping them it was such a shock to hear stuff like that and it confused me and stopped me wanting to top her. She also doesn't respond sexually to me the same way previous partners have... she just won't get into it, or if it's going ok then it's super easy for her to just get out of it again. Apparently it's well known what a big screamer she is and how hard she can come and stuff like that but she just won't get into to get to that stage now. I don't feel capable of pleasing her now. She tells me that she's enjoying herself but it's not what her body is telling me. Ironically she really wants to be dominated and topped but I have so much trouble doing it now coz she took my confidence away. She still doesn't seem to believe in my ability to dominate and/or top her either so nothing really works when we try.

The other thing she did was cheat on me... then lie about it... then treat me really badly in front of the person she cheated on me with and friends and so on. She's a very sexual flirt too so I get jealous and suspicious of what might be going on with other people even when it's totally innocent... especially when she can turn all that on for other people but when it's back to just the two of us it all disappears. So anyway I obviously find trusting her very difficult now... not really because of the cheating but because of the repeated lying and because of how badly she treated me then at that time. So ergo... I find it difficult to bottom and submit to her now.

Alot of this stuff was some time ago... in pretty much every other area of our relationship things are going extremely well... we're very loving and even disgustingly cute most of the time and she's stopped doing all the things that had such a negative impact in the first place. Unfortunately, it's gotten to the stage now where I don't have the confidence to perform in either role (and we both enjoy both) and I really do feel like I don't know what I'm doing now because I'm so insecure... which sucks for both of us!

We've tried talking about things and there have been some improvements (like her stopping the negative behaviour) but it's hard to keep talking about it all the time because it's kind of depressing to keep talking about it and I don't want to suck her confidence away and replace it with guilt. So it's really time for me to just act I think.

So... who has ideas for how to take some of my power back in this relationship? and how to regain my confidence in the bedroom - both bdsm and vanilla?

Your confidence in your self isn't dictated by her. She doesn't control how you respond to things. Those same words or actions in a different moment, with a different person could have a completely separate outcome. Claim and embrase your own responses and deal with them. Your issues with your confidence will only resolve if you deal with how and why you are responding this way. She can't make you unconfident. She can't make you confident. That is internal and all up to you.

As to the cheating, that is a whole other ballpark and is about trust. That's a rough one.

(in reply to myanon)

Post #: 56

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 8:03:28 PM

BlindDescent

Posts: 113
Joined: 9/26/2006
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I think one other aspect that OP states early on is both are switches...So if both are switches that seems to make for a lot of built in role confusion at any time. It just seems like that is a big ingrediant that isn't clearly differentiated as to who is what and when. Regardless of the roles or positions; you are powerless to effect change if she isn't an active participant. In therapy there has to be a shared goal that the client embraces. In couples therapy; it is even more challenging. The OP may have to redefine the breadth of his roles and be less switch to recenter the relationship. Confusing and/or ill defined vibes create huge openings for the subs amok syndrome. Make your expectations concrete.
Once Pandora's Box is opened...oh shit.

_____________________________

Reality is what you create; not what others leave behind.

(in reply to Sirsinini)

Post #: 57

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 8:28:09 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

My mother's advice: Ask yourself two questions. 1) Would you miss her if she we gone? 2) Is being in the relationship healthy for you? If the answer is no to either question, you need to look at getting out of the relationship.

In my opinion, it is not a healthy relationship if your partner is continually tearing you down. A partner who supports is needed.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to myanon)

Post #: 58

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 9:20:37 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: myanon

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

OP, she has made you her 'lil bitch.

Good luck with that.

damn it I know this people!!! How do I change it???

You grow some balls and put her in her place the very second she starts acting up. Don't like her behavior? You correct it instantly.

Sitting down and discussing your fealings and talking about shit is for issues like working too much and no time for sex life or a slave is unable to accomplish an assignment because of X, Y, and Z circumstances, not for when someone is being a sarcastic little cunt who is showing a clear sign of disrespect.

You change it by not taking that shit for one millisecond. If I had a girl treat me in some ways you have listed here, I would be growling and right up in her face, asking her what the hell her problem was. THEN when she remembered who the dominant was in the relationship, I would sit down and talk with her on an even tone (and when I say talking, I mean me telling her how things are going to be).

This is why I firmly beleive "being a nice guy" doesn't have a whole lot of place in a D/S relationship, because you right now are portraying the picture perfect example of a "nice guy" and she is walking all over it.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to myanon)

Post #: 59

RE: how do I get my power back? - 12/29/2007 9:46:03 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

I really don't know what to say.

Women unwise enough to give me grief, or cheat on me always ended up on the curb pretty quickly-with a big boot mark on thier ass. I have a zero bullshit tolerance policy.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to myanon)

Post #: 60

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