how do I get my power back? (Full Version)

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myanon -> how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 10:34:09 AM)

A little background on me... I am a confident person, I am successful, I do important work, I feel like I can do anything I put my mind to, I'm responsible, caring, assertive, loving and generally speaking I'm a good person. In all my previous relationships I have been the one primarily in control...  I didn't consider myself dominant at the time and I often deferred to my partner(s) at the time because I wanted to please them or it wasn't that important to me... but I always knew that if I wanted something done my way then it would be accepted instantly if I said it was to be that way. All my relationships have worked very naturally this way until now...

Now... I'm in a relationship with a girl whom I love very much and I don't want to end the relationship but I need to make some changes because it's not going well in some areas. The main problem is that she has managed to make me feel very insecure and doubt myself. I'm certain this wasn't done deliberately on her part, she just didn't know any better and she didn't know how her actions and words would affect me and our relationship. I also know that I've allowed this to happen too and it's not just her "fault". I know that I can change things but I need a little help and a few suggestions from you guys because this has been a long time developing and will take some hard work to undo.

Some background on the things that have happened to make me feel this way...

Early on in our relationship she was very vocal on her wealth of experience... the number of people she had slept with... what kinky things she had done etc. She never outwardly said that I didn't have the sort of experience to keep up with her but it was implied and the way she asked me questions like "oh you've been with so and so for that long and you never even did that???" made me feel pretty inexperienced and insecure about what I do know and can do. The ironic thing is she was really just talking herself up and I'm actually far more experienced than her... but those little seeds of doubt and insecurity were planted.

She also humiliated and mocked me quite alot in the early days when we were having sex or just generally... again I think it was to make herself feel big or she was just trying to be bratty without realising the impact. Like if I was topping her she'd say things like "oh are you on a power trip now?". Having previously had all other partners just accept and really enjoy me topping them it was such a shock to hear stuff like that and it confused me and stopped me wanting to top her. She also doesn't respond sexually to me the same way previous partners have... she just won't get into it, or if it's going ok then it's super easy for her to just get out of it again. Apparently it's well known what a big screamer she is and how hard she can come and stuff like that but she just won't get into to get to that stage now. I don't feel capable of pleasing her now. She tells me that she's enjoying herself but it's not what her body is telling me. Ironically she really wants to be dominated and topped but I have so much trouble doing it now coz she took my confidence away. She still doesn't seem to believe in my ability to dominate and/or top her either so nothing really works when we try.

The other thing she did was cheat on me... then lie about it... then treat me really badly in front of the person she cheated on me with and friends and so on. She's a very sexual flirt too so I get jealous and suspicious of what might be going on with other people even when it's totally innocent... especially when she can turn all that on for other people but when it's back to just the two of us it all disappears. So anyway I obviously find trusting her very difficult now... not really because of the cheating but because of the repeated lying and because of how badly she treated me then at that time. So ergo... I find it difficult to bottom and submit to her now.

Alot of this stuff was some time ago... in pretty much every other area of our relationship things are going extremely well... we're very loving and even disgustingly cute most of the time and she's stopped doing all the things that had such a negative impact in the first place. Unfortunately, it's gotten to the stage now where I don't have the confidence to perform in either role (and we both enjoy both) and I really do feel like I don't know what I'm doing now because I'm so insecure... which sucks for both of us!

We've tried talking about things and there have been some improvements (like her stopping the negative behaviour) but it's hard to keep talking about it all the time because it's kind of depressing to keep talking about it and I don't want to suck her confidence away and replace it with guilt. So it's really time for me to just act I think.

So... who has ideas for how to take some of my power back in this relationship? and how to regain my confidence in the bedroom - both bdsm and vanilla?




kitttty -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 10:41:06 AM)

Launch her.



topcat -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 10:41:18 AM)

Mock and belittle her- when she reacts, explain that she's being too sensitive. Master the left handed compliment- 'Gee, hon- your looking good lately- ya know I like em a little chunky!' learn to look at her with a bemused, not quite luaghing out loud look when she is talking to you. Interupt her conversation constantly. Destroy her self image, shred her self worth.
 
then leave her.
 
you'd actually be kinder to her than she is being to you.



LotusSong -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 10:44:02 AM)

Forget the "who's on top" worry. Sit her down and talk to her.  Tell her how she makes you feel.  That's not weakness, that's taking control of the situation. Maybe she just doesn't think before she speaks or maybe she is testing you.. more likely wants you to know her "history".  It'll go two ways..she can walk or it will fix the situation.
 
"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission"- Elenore Roosevelt (I think)



BlindDescent -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 10:47:07 AM)

Wasn't there some old saying about not being able to change the stripes on a cat? Her psyche is set. She is capricious. You can't make someone not sarcastic, jealous, vengful, scheming, catty, etc... if that's how their mind works. Words have little meaning if there is no consistent behavior illustrating them.
Deal with it, suffer, or end it. There is no short cut to change.



Decimus -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 10:48:56 AM)

Wow...I agree with the first two responses, get rid of her. She treated you like crap and you are willing to keep going at it? I would have dropped her like a sack of grain as soon as I found out she cheated on me...well good luck with whatever you do but as the others have stated, I'd say drop her and move on.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 10:55:44 AM)

You cannot rewind the clock and get back what was taken away back then.
What you need to do is tell her that whats past is past. You do not want to hear about past relationships at all. If all her former partners were so great, why are they former?
Sit her down and tell her that the current situation is both of your faults. She has to learn to keep her mouth shut about inapropriate comparisons, and you need to lear to tell her to shut her mouth about them.  You cant punish someone for something they did way back when, especially if you didnt mention having a problem with the behavior back then.
Suggest she make some positive comments when things go well. And just do what you enjoy. You and she are still together. Things must be going well, and confidence will come with repetition. Cut off the undesireable behaviour now and see if that helps.

DV



thetammyjo -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 10:59:35 AM)

If someone is having a negative impact on you, how is it healthy for you to stay with them?




kirby104 -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 11:06:43 AM)

You have explained verbal and psychological abuse. Run AWAY from this girl.



domahpet -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 11:10:02 AM)

i have to agree with topcat this time. dump her. go find a good girl!
not enough info- how long was 'some time ago'?
are you married to her?
how can someone love someone else who treats them this way,
and if she did manage to stop, what has she replaced the behaviour with?
she wont sub to you, you wont sub to her. someone needs to get on top and it seems like you
want to do it, but have lost your nerve. so whats the point?
get gone, take a break, and go find that good girl. good luck.



ThinkingKitten -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 11:17:35 AM)

I'm with most of the others here. Take off the rose-coloured glasses and look objectively - read what you told us, as a start. Unless you have a truckload of faults/culpability that you have not informed us of, then I'd say you'd be better off without her, especially as her actions/reactions seem to be in contradiction to her words.



myanon -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 11:23:45 AM)

ok ok... I expected some of the above... it's likely I would say the same thing if it wasn't me... but I am also looking for some more constructive advice based on the fact that I don't want to break up with her... thanks to those who gave me some ideas with that in mind... and I know those telling me to get the hell out of here are also offering good advice... I just don't want to do that.

I guess I wasn't clear enough about the time frame and where we are now comparatively... there frankly isn't enough room in this message space to give all the details! We've been together for close to 2 years and much of the past year or so has involved little or no bad behaviour on her part. We've talked about it and she understands how it made me feel and she's stopped all that. The problem is, it's still resonating around and causing an effect today.

Let me re-phrase my question slightly then.

If you don't feel confident in dominating or submitting (because we both switch) to your partner and if you find it hard to get into sex or get your partner to get into sex... and some of this is down to insecurity, confidence, ongoing trust issues etc. based on bad past experiences in the relationship (even though everything else between you is now great)... how would you go about improving things to improve your sex life, your scenes and your confidence?



celticlord2112 -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 11:23:56 AM)

quote:

I am a confident person, I am successful, I do important work, I feel like I can do anything I put my mind to, I'm responsible, caring, assertive, loving and generally speaking I'm a good person.


If you believe this, then what's the problem?

If the girlfriend wants to be a tee-total bitch, either discipline her or dump her.  What you should not do is dither about it.



celticlord2112 -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 11:27:32 AM)

quote:

If you don't feel confident in dominating or submitting (because we both switch) to your partner and if you find it hard to get into sex or get your partner to get into sex... and some of this is down to insecurity, confidence, ongoing trust issues etc. based on bad past experiences in the relationship (even though everything else between you is now great)... how would you go about improving things to improve your sex life, your scenes and your confidence?


You don't trust her.  You don't trust her to submit, and you don't trust her to submit to her. 

If you can't trust her, there is no relationship.

If you can trust her....what's the problem?



christine1 -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 11:28:17 AM)

well i don't know about shredding her self image to just get back at her, that is like stooping down to her level and i've found that to never be fulfilling.  if you respect yourself and want better for yourself, then move on....why bother investing yourself in someone who you cant' trust?  there are lots of people out there who are trustworthy and respectful, find one and be happy.



myanon -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 11:31:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

quote:

I am a confident person, I am successful, I do important work, I feel like I can do anything I put my mind to, I'm responsible, caring, assertive, loving and generally speaking I'm a good person.


If you believe this, then what's the problem?

If the girlfriend wants to be a tee-total bitch, either discipline her or dump her.  What you should not do is dither about it.



that's my question... how do I do it? (not the dumping bit obviously)



jakeskajira -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 11:32:05 AM)

Seek couples counselling, I know a couple kink friendly psychologists who do online counselling as well, I can send you to their homepages....

My advice (while I went to school for psychology, I didn't finish my degree) --- is plainly.. communication. That is the most BASIC starting foundation for ANY relationship. It builds trust, it builds respect... and with out communication, the relationship will fail.

If you cannot get the trust back, if you can't respect each other, if you cannot communicate with each other.. you  have to learn how... There are many people out there who LIKE the type of treatment she gave you, if you are not one of those, i'd walk away.... let her find someone who wants to be treated like that, it isn't an inhereant "problem" with her, but rather a mistmatch of basic personalities... it is doable and possible to work around these issues, and even over come them, but it is also possible this is who she is and she wants to be that type of person... which means she won't change...

If you can't live with this, then you have some decisions to make, but communicate with her on them.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you figure it out.

p.s. I would walk away if it was me personally if I was in your shoes... (because you aren't HAPPY with the situation.)


Regards and well wishes,
slave emma



oreogirl -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 11:32:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

quote:

If you don't feel confident in dominating or submitting (because we both switch) to your partner and if you find it hard to get into sex or get your partner to get into sex... and some of this is down to insecurity, confidence, ongoing trust issues etc. based on bad past experiences in the relationship (even though everything else between you is now great)... how would you go about improving things to improve your sex life, your scenes and your confidence?


You don't trust her.  You don't trust her to submit, and you don't trust her to submit to her. 

If you can't trust her, there is no relationship.

If you can trust her....what's the problem?



See above! 



Hotch -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 11:40:12 AM)

I know I’m gonna come off as an asshole here, but you're sounding like a whinny bitch.  The only reason I'm saying this is because if I see it in this post, then your girlfriend is seeing it in the relationship and she's acting on it.  She's calling you out when you try to top her because she senses you're "playing" and out of your normal pattern of behavior.  You don't address the bad behavior, you let it hurt you.  The cheating could mean the end of the relationship, or it could be a very loud message that she wants you to "take her back".  Either way, she's treating you like a piece of shit, you're letting it happen and she is loosing respect for you.  Because she doesn't respect you in a dominant roll, she goofs on you and hurts your fragile ego.  Because she says she DOES want to be dominated and the rest of your relationship is good, this puts you in a tight spot.  It's hard to change someone’s perception because they will vehemently resist change.  She's already thrown up some major challenges that aren't going to be solved diplomatically and you can be assured that when you address the bad behavior, she's gonna give it to you with both barrels.  You risk disrupting the rest of your "good" relationship as your girlfriend tries to sabotage your efforts to regain the Alpha male roll in her life.  Good luck, hope you can rise to the challenge.



myanon -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/29/2007 11:45:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jakeskajira
Seek couples counselling, I know a couple kink friendly psychologists who do online counselling as well, I can send you to their homepages....

unfortunately counselling isn't an option where we are but I'd appreciate the online stuff if you can send it to me :)
quote:


My advice (while I went to school for psychology, I didn't finish my degree) --- is plainly.. communication. That is the most BASIC starting foundation for ANY relationship. It builds trust, it builds respect... and with out communication, the relationship will fail.

I couldn't agree more... we HAVE communicated ALOT about these issues... my desire to do something else stems from the fact that the communication hasn't helped everything and I think it's time for us both to stop feeling bad about what happened but to start doing things which make us both feel good.
quote:


If you cannot get the trust back, if you can't respect each other, if you cannot communicate with each other.. you  have to learn how...

trying hard!!
quote:


There are many people out there who LIKE the type of treatment she gave you, if you are not one of those, i'd walk away.... let her find someone who wants to be treated like that, it isn't an inhereant "problem" with her, but rather a mistmatch of basic personalities... it is doable and possible to work around these issues, and even over come them, but it is also possible this is who she is and she wants to be that type of person... which means she won't change...

I'm not one of those but I don't think she is one who wants one of those either... she was just inexperienced and immature and she is also quite different to others I have been with so I wasn't equiped or prepared to deal with this stuff at the time. I don't think she wants to be that type of person either... she has changed her behaviour. That whole side of it is in the past... it's the other lingering effects which remain.
quote:


I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you figure it out.

thanks





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