RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (Full Version)

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juliaoceania -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/30/2007 9:40:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shawn1066

I don't think it's a bad idea at all for the inexperienced to have protectors.  It's easy to say a lot of people can take care of themselves, but that doesn't always work out in practice.  The inexperienced are likely to jump at things without thinking and sometimes it's best to have somebody to help keep you from losing your common sense as soon as something looks promising.


I think it maybe a good idea for someone to have a "protector" as a noob too, in the real world, during public play, or even private play in which a new submissive is unsure how to negotiate a scene. It maybe a very good idea to have an experienced top or bottom help a newbie navigate how to successfully negotiate a scene... or deflect unwanted attention. I also see some profit in having "protection" collars for submissives that may attend a party without their dom.... I have heard of these sorts of collars being used this way.

I have never heard of a convincing argument for an online collar of protection, and someone reading my emails that I was not intimate with would bother me.



dcnovice -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/30/2007 9:46:45 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: shellzbythesea

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveleogirl

Hello Kinky,

        I just have a question ....may I ask if this was real time or just internet? I dont understand why you would need protection on line ?


i'm not sure who you are referring to?  Is the "hello Kinky" meant towards me?  If so, i go by "shellz", btw.
 
In case you actually are referring to me...my first Dom was REAL TIME, not internet.  i am also not seeking cyber play or an "online relationship".  No offense to those who prefer that, but to me personally, that is not a "real" relationship. 
 
So, yes, my first Dom was a "real life" relationship, and the couple of Doms i've met here...i may have "met" online, but then we met in "real time". 


Shellz ---

It says "Kinky" under your nick, so slaveleogirl (who was making her very first post) may have mistaken that for your name. Just a theory.

Cheers,

DC



shellzbythesea -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/30/2007 9:52:58 PM)


[/quote]

Shellz ---

It says "Kinky" under your nick, so slaveleogirl (who was making her very first post) may have mistaken that for your name. Just a theory.

Cheers,

DC
[/quote]

Woohoo!  i've moved up to "kinky" now?  i'll take kinky over that damned vanilla cone any day of the week. 
 
Thanks for the clarification.  :)



ksub4u -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/30/2007 10:20:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shellzbythesea

quote:

ORIGINAL: domahpet

well that was easy wasnt it?



Do you ever need to just "validate" how you feel?  Although that may make me sound weak, i feel it makes me stronger.  i was seeking the opinions of others, such as yourself (and i liked what you had to say), and i just wanted those who bothered to reply to know i was actually listening.
 
i read the BBS often.  It annoys me to know end to be left with a "cliff hanger." 
 
Perhaps that's just me.


Definitely!  I'm glad you didn't leave us with a "cliff-hanger".  That's a pet peeve of mine also!  Good luck to you on your search.  I think you're one step closer to understanding yourself and what you are seeking - by listening to your gut instinct and having it affirmed, you just may listen to the gut next time and trust in it.  (though I think asking questions is almost always a good thing, when in doubt!)   Good for you!  [:)]



girlygurl -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/30/2007 10:29:46 PM)

Not to be disrespectful to those that believe in the "under protection" thing.... but I don't get it.  We don't have someone to protect us as adults when we're out living in the real world.  We learn by living, and yes, we make mistakes along the way.  There are precautions one can take when getting to know someone new, but I see that as real life stuff, not on the internet.  (well, I suppose precautions on the net would be, don't give out personal info, such as address, phone numbers and the like)
I commend You OP for recognizing that you need to take a break from whatever it is you're taking a break from, so take your break.[;)]  If need be, hide your profile for a while. 

Someone mentioned the "under consideration" thing... (was that you sexyred?) Us redheads think a like [:D] .  The first time I heard the term "under consideration" was on a collarme thread or profile, and I'm betting it was an online D/s thing not in person. 

girly




Leatherist -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/30/2007 11:23:46 PM)

I'd see it as somene needing protection from herself.

Not interested.



TheScrivener -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/30/2007 11:54:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

If I see "under the protection of whoever", especially those who are protecting subs in other states, and sometimes in other countries, I immediately stop bothering to read.


I think this sums it up for me.

If you have a real-life friend in the lifestyle who is guiding your decision making as a "Protector" of sorts, that makes sense to me.  If you are under the "Protection" of a person 500 miles away, I'm going to click the next profile and move on with my browsing.

My two cents.



sunshinemiss -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/31/2007 12:35:52 AM)

Protection... well if you can't wade through the emails alone, then maybe you aren't ready to face all the real life situations.  We all need a break.  So, why not hide your profile when you don't want to be bothered? 

And yes, advice is good.  And yes validating what we are already thinking is good.  And not telling people what you are already thinking means you get viewpoints that aren't skewed. 

Good luck.
peace



HaveRopeWillBind -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/31/2007 1:18:18 AM)

If you were 19 and just coming into BDSM I could see why a protector might be desirable, though for myself it would still be a stopper as I don't feel I need to ask permission to speak with a prospect. However at 38 you should be mature enough to find your own way through life and if you still thought you needed a protector at that age then it would immediately make me question your ability to commit to anyone. That would be an automatic pass.



Focus50 -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/31/2007 2:44:06 AM)

I'm wayyyy too old to date anyone who needs a chaperone.  And the fella in the mirror would never allow me to be "skipped through hoops" by some protector dom - purrrleeeeaze....
 
Now a sub who has a dominant someone with no personal/intimate investment to give her feedback (or "guidance", if you will) is a possibility.  That's assuming that I'm not expected to communicate through him/her (see 1st paragraph) and that the sub in question is at least able to respect my privacy and confidences by not sharing my words or emails etc wholesale. 
 
Hmmm, suddenly the whole prospect is one VERY SLIM possibility....
 
Focus.



TethersEnd -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/31/2007 6:36:08 AM)

this may have already been said ( i have not read the entire thread ) but i think a lot of this is in the verbiage.  rather then saying you are under someones protection think of him more so as a mentor, you know .. someone you can kick things off of so you can choose on your own. 

just a thought 



OldBastardly1 -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/31/2007 6:59:42 AM)

My perspective may or may not apply here.

I have an alpha sub. We live 24/7. I am also open to having a beta sub and am confining my very laid-back search to real life. There is a sub that attends the club I do that is "under protection and guidance" of a Master & His slave, whom I greatly respect both. Her and I have done the usual getting to know each other as people, followed by the mutual expression of interest to get to know each other better. We agreed that we would like to "play" with each other. We then got the "approval" of the said Master, which He was very agreeable, to the point that He couldn't attend the night we had decided to play, so he sent His slave to look after her. The 3 of us sat down and negotiated the scene, partly because they are teaching her how to negotiate on her own. We had a *wonderful* scene. I am even entertaining the thought of adding her to our family, at some point. I hinted that she should establish a friendship and compatibilty level with my aplha, and she jumped all over it, doing a great job.

So, to summize, her being "under protection" in a real life scenario, did not turn me away, BUT....I knew the "protector" personally and consider him a friend. AND it was R/T for them and me. She did not have to forward our communications either.

If it were any different, I would have never even contacted her. So.....yes & no, LMAO.



domahpet -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/31/2007 8:03:50 AM)

i thought this was handled yesterday-
shells, did you change your mind?



kinkypuppy2 -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/31/2007 8:24:25 AM)

I feel if someone is "under protection" that its a good thing, that they have a friend who is watching their back.



Padriag -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/31/2007 12:08:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shellzbythesea

Heart of the thread:
Without going too far into my personal situation, i'd like to know how many Doms and/or Masters would be "put off" or "deterred" by viewing a sub's ad, only to find out she has someone who is offering to "protect" or "guide" her in her choices.  Would You choose not to make contact with her knowing that someone else may eventually view Your email or at least be made aware of Your intent?

Generally if I see the phrase "under protection" I move on.  Not because I care who reads what I write, but because my personal opinion of the whole "protector" thing is pretty low.

That said, I've had two experiences with something akin to what you describe that I'll relate.

The first was with a young lady who was part of a group in Texas.  She'd been introduced to the lifestyle by a friend who also served as her first dominant and still looked out for her.  The Mistress established a few ground rules about my interactions with the young lady in question, but beyond that generally left us to ourselves.  I spoke with the Mistress on a regular basis and we became friends as well.  At one point she asked me how I felt about her involvement and I rather bluntly replied that it didn't bother me at all, that I knew that if things worked out, she'd probably bring her "charge" to me herself... gift wrapped!  She laughed and said she probably would.  I'd earned both of their respect and friendship.  Sadly things didn't work out for personal reasons, but I still view the experience as a positive one.  The Mistress was no "protector", she didn't try to do the girl's thinking for her, she did however keep a watchful eye on things, set some healthy boundaries, etc.  She even gave the young lady a lecture at one point over a misunderstanding.

The second encounter I had was with another woman who was part of another group.  There was a dominant man involved who supposedly had "trained" her and was her "mentor".  She had been intimate with this man in the past and I later suspected she still was.  Never once was I able to speak with this or coorespond with him.  To this day I wonder if he existed.  She turned out to be a flake.  I still view the whole experience as having been a waste of my time.

My point is, I have no problem with a friend acting as a "chaperone", offering advice, or even taking an active role in how things develop.  Sometimes that can be helpful, especially when misunderstandings occur.   But that assumes such a person genuinely wants to see the submissive find a new and happy relationship, which means said "mentor", "chaperone", etc. should have no personal interest in the submissive beyond friendship.  If I hear a submissive has any sort of intimate relationship with a "mentor" or "protector", I'm gone... not interested, not playing that game.  If said person isn't willing to talk directly with me as an equal... again, I'm gone.



CreativeDominant -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/31/2007 12:31:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shellzbythesea

Disclaimer:
i know there will be many who reply to this thread only to say that any offer of "protection" is a crock of crap.  i get that.  ALL replies are welcomed, regardless.
 
Heart of the thread:
Without going too far into my personal situation, i'd like to know how many Doms and/or Masters would be "put off" or "deterred" by viewing a sub's ad, only to find out she has someone who is offering to "protect" or "guide" her in her choices.  Would You choose not to make contact with her knowing that someone else may eventually view Your email or at least be made aware of Your intent?
 
i'm not talking about a "collar of protection" per se...
 
i'm asking because although i'm currently taking a break from my "search" due to the experiences i've had since coming to Collar Me, i know that eventually (or i'm guessing as much) i'll be back here for the "search" rather than just reading the BBS.  my first Dom, who i still and will always respect, has been observing my struggles here.  He has suggested that he could offer me his "protection" or "guidance" when i am ready to resume my search.  However, as i've mentioned to him, i believe this could deter a potential Dom.  i'm not sure *i* would be so comfy knowing someone might read my personal note to another so why should i expect someone else to be comfy with that?  On the other hand, as he has countered, it may help to weed out those who are not truly serious and/or those who just want some "play time."
 
As a side note...i am *not* some dimwit that cannot make her own decisions.  i just find the ones i've made since coming here, haven't been the best, for whatever reason.  Perhaps i started off with that "sub frenzy" i've read so much about...


I've real all through the thread and have seen that you have decided not to list your friend as your protector.  Good for you...I applaud your decision.  Why?  Because I know that, as others have stated on here, that when I've seen that statement "Under the protection of...", I have learned to move on.  Several reasons why but one of the biggest is that I have not had a good experience with this situation yet, either in real life or in meeting someone through a site.  Either the submissive was "trained" by the protector...sexually and BDSM play as well as D/s (and I am not even going to re-open that can of worms about why a grown woman would figure that being trained to satisfy one domimant sexually would automatically transfer to another dominant or that a sadistic dominant can instruct a masochistic submissive in how to take pain and what she should feel...again how?)...OR the the type of dominant whose protection they were under was of a completely different nature than the submissive you were dealing with (mannerly, courteous dominant with a BRAT Sammie submissive as an example given).  Not worth the hassle to me anymore. 

And what does that cost a submissive looking for a potential dominant?  Well, in my case...and in the case of several dominants that I know of, both here and in real life...it costs her a potential dominant that could be a helluva good thing for her.  I think I am a pretty good dominant...the submissives I have had long term have not had a lot of complaints and the ones I have known casually also seem to think so.  Not all that have known me think so but I am pleased and proud/humbled by the fact that the majority do.  But the submissive who has "Under the protection of..." will never know that.



Padriag -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/31/2007 12:53:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

And what does that cost a submissive looking for a potential dominant?  Well, in my case...and in the case of several dominants that I know of, both here and in real life...it costs her a potential dominant that could be a helluva good thing for her.

I'd personally love to see the above plastered all over every BDSM chatroom and discussion forum... just a lil dream of mine. [8D]



meticulousgirl -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/31/2007 2:03:14 PM)

the choice is yours, i think if you use your mind, and brain that are there for a reason, you shouldn't need a guide so to speak. 

It doesn't matter what site you go on half of the people there are fake and are just there for the kinky sex once or twice and they never want to see you again.  another 1/4 is serious but, they just dont suit you for whatever reason, ie: to extreme, to laid back whatever and then there are the rest that are far and few between that we all have to sit around and wait for, while they decide which one or two girls is right for them.....oh yeah and on that subject.....you could find what seems to be the right one but, he wont commit, get serious, or keep things between you and Him, he's got to have more than one to satisfy His own needs and make someone feel like the third when we all know three is a crowd and jelousy is going to kick in and destroy everything somewhere down the road.

Ok i'm going to shut up now, Happy New Years everyone!

~meticulous~



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/31/2007 4:35:36 PM)

My answer is pretty much identical to LAMs.  I'm willing to put a lot of work into a relationship, but someone who can't even trust their judgement in getting to know someone is just too raw and too much heavy lifting right out of the gate for me to mess with.

I also worry that your question wasn't "Do I really need a protector and what does that say about me?" but "What will other dams think?"  As long as you keep caring about all the doms in the world rejecting you, then you'll never start focusing on creating the relationship that works best for YOU.



AtlantisKing111 -> RE: sub under "protection"...would it deter You? (12/31/2007 4:53:42 PM)

Whether a sub/slave is under someone's protection or not has no bearing on my desire to connect or not connect with her.  Of much more import is what her attributes are and whether I think she and I would be a good match.

AK



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