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RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/2/2008 4:00:59 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
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When I was in 'Nam I encountered a similar situation....I was supporting this sub back stateside....She said she wanted to be my slave...But I found it was hard to dominate her over the phone and through my letters....When I threatened to end our relationship she said it was all a mistake and that she still valued my dominant force and cash.

Things finally got on track and she became the perfect lil' slave when she wasn't fucking my friends.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 1/2/2008 4:01:38 PM >

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Post #: 21

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/2/2008 4:06:41 PM

Sexynmentalinkc

Posts: 132
Joined: 4/14/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Gotta go with the bastard here, again. If you really like the girl, go for it again, tell her the curb is swept and if she hedges it won't skin her up too bad when you kick her ass to it, and will never look back that way again. Committments are not one sided things.......ever............

Ron

/seconds

Giving out second-chances is fine - assuming that you lay the disclaimers on expectations and such.

- Mr. S

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"I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. ...I'm certainly not. And I'm sick and tired of being told that I am..."

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Post #: 22

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/2/2008 7:13:21 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkpassenger434

Does anyone have any advice or thoughts on this situation?
-R

YEAH.....RUN in the opposite direction that she is going in.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to darkpassenger434)

Post #: 23

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/2/2008 10:11:20 PM

darkpassenger434

Posts: 138
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline

I'm going to clear up a few things here, as it seems quite a few people don't read posts before launching an attack. I did not enter into the relationship as a LDR. It was a live in situation where the D/s aspects came into play after a short vanilla relationship. I chose to come to Afghanistan in the sense that I chose to bind myself to my country's will for a period of time, but the relationship was never a LDR thing. This was just a period of hard times that would have to be endured until we could be back together. And to answer a specific attack on my person (lateralist), we have had daily contact throughout the entire ordeal. I didn't just leave this person hanging in the breeze without guidance. I have been active in her life as much as the situation has allowed with the anticipation that we would continue the live in arrangement we had prior to my deployment.
-R

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 24

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/2/2008 10:30:07 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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Without commenting on the unmentionables, that was a poor decision on your part and now you must suffer the consequences.

I'm a bit curious as to how long you knew this woman before she lived with you and was collared by you.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to darkpassenger434)

Post #: 25

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/2/2008 10:42:54 PM

darkpassenger434

Posts: 138
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline

You are absolutely correct, mistakes were certainly made. I can't remember exactly but I want to say living together was around 3-4 months, with collar at 6-7. That right there was a clear mistake. I have a nasty habit of taking peoples words at face value. Meaning if they say they are or desire something I tend to take that at face value. I certainly don't think this woman misled me intentionally, just that she doesn't have the best bead on who she really is or wants. I really should have given it a lot more time to see how things would be in practice. I think I probably got caught up in the potential death thing and I let it mess with my head and rushed things. I probably shouldn't have named this thread "advice" as I already know I made some mistakes here ( that appears to be the extent of others advice).
-R

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 26

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/3/2008 10:53:49 AM

JoinUsforaeve

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkpassenger434

"I chose to come to Afghanistan" exactly, your choice, not hers, personally, i find choices i make for myself, easier to live with, than those chosen for me.

"but the relationship was never a LDR thing."
Pardon me, but if your not in the same country, isnt that long distance, temporarily?

"we have had daily contact"
Many more moments of D/s can be shared easier, if your in the same room. It gets a lot more tricky to continue a dynamic if your not. Though not impossible at all.

To me, your ripe for picking by her. That whole, 'im available should you wish to impress me' is aka "i'll take you back if you try harder". A mixed message!

I dont know if you should stay or go. But as a submissive, i can say, that at the beginning, it was really fucking hard! Im not sure id of made it, had my dominant had to go away. And submissive or not, as that decision, would affect both of our lives, id want some consulting. Id say no, as LDR are not for me. I need constant 24/7 D/s or i go to shit as a sub. Im not perfect, im really rather a fab submissive. I just happen to know, that i would not be able to sustain a dynamic without him around. Does that mean i should be kicked to the curb? Well, if it did, then he's not the Dominant for me definately.

Please ignore all this 'kick her to the curb' crap you read on here, its mostly spouted by people who do not live this lifestyle. More your play partner type of dominant. That's fab. Coz there are play partner subs too. Enough for everyone.

When you decide to make this your life, not just your past time for a weekend or evening, then you grow together. You learn together. Some things, though desirable, are not necessary. And you learn to right your own D/s manual, one that suits you, and your partner.

Ive taken my collar off without his permission. Ive done many non subbie things. Because im a person, with faults and wonderful qualities. He's a man, with faults and wonderful qualities. We are human first, a loving couple second, and D/s 3rdly.

Your statement to her, that suggests you'll take her back if she tries harder. Speaks volumes perhaps. Sub's arent instant just add water folk. We need infinate patience, time, and your energy. How much quality time have you really been giving to your role? From a personal perspective, if you've sodded off to a war, then you have left me. Being 'left', its probably true to say, not a fave situation for a struggling submissive to find herself in.

I wish you well.
however, in the next D/s relationship, when its really fragile in its first year, are you gonna kick that one to the curb too? How will you learn by using this tactic?
I think in this case, kicking to the curb says more about your stage of development as a dominant, than it does about hers as a sub.

(in reply to darkpassenger434)

Post #: 27

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/3/2008 11:11:33 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Also, those who are 'natural' slaves are often the ones who fight it the most.

T'right.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 28

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/3/2008 11:13:28 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

Things finally got on track and she became the perfect lil' slave when she wasn't fucking my friends.

Oh....I have things to learn.........:)

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 29

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/3/2008 10:27:35 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkpassenger434

You are absolutely correct, mistakes were certainly made. I can't remember exactly but I want to say living together was around 3-4 months, with collar at 6-7. That right there was a clear mistake. I have a nasty habit of taking peoples words at face value. Meaning if they say they are or desire something I tend to take that at face value. I certainly don't think this woman misled me intentionally, just that she doesn't have the best bead on who she really is or wants. I really should have given it a lot more time to see how things would be in practice. I think I probably got caught up in the potential death thing and I let it mess with my head and rushed things. I probably shouldn't have named this thread "advice" as I already know I made some mistakes here ( that appears to be the extent of others advice).
-R

Everyone makes mistakes and in your situation it's understandable you wanted to hold on to home. What you are doing is important to many of us, thank you for that. I just hate to see ums suffer personally. Good luck with this situation, I can see it's quite difficult to sort it out from where you are and you probably have your plate rather full already.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to darkpassenger434)

Post #: 30

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/3/2008 11:55:38 PM

darkpassenger434

Posts: 138
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline

A last note on what I have meant by try harder. I understood there would be hard times from the beginning, rebellion and all that. Many of the problems stem from assertions by her that she isn't happy and NEVER will be in the situation. Her happiness DOES matter to me, and being told on nearly a daily basis that she's miserable is not something I'm willing to bear for the sake of owning someone. You are correct that I made the afghanistan decision, however, she knew about the afghanistan thing from jump, when she made all of her decisions. The "I'm here, impress me" thing has to do with the situations mentioned earlier that require me to have contact. She frequently applies pressure for us to just "go back" to the way it was, which I see as a failing strategy. I am trying to impress upon her to simply BE the person that she says she is, just because she is that person, and that I am here and paying attention. I am not trying to get her to "try harder" to keep me, I am trying to make her understand she has to be herself and if that is what she says, it would be attractive to me.
-R

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 31

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/4/2008 12:25:59 AM

sakidorei

Posts: 65
Status: offline

While i don't have any stellar advice for You as You seem to have worked out some of the missteps on Your own ... i would take a moment to first, thank You for the sacrifices You have made in Your service to our country. As someone with very close military ties ... i know that deployments ... especially into combat zones are some of the most difficult stresses on any relationship ... d/s or 'nilla.

Personally ... i take a harder stance on any woman or man doing the Dear John types of things when a person is serving our country in a combat zone than any misstep in a Dom trying to provide leadership for His sub while He is in that life threatening day to day existence. If she is willing to take Your money ... then she can dang sure wait until You get home to iron out all her unhappiness issues and let You have some peace of mind to complete the mission You are there to do ... mentally unhindered. Blah Blah Blah ... yeah yeah yeah she needs someone ... but she hasn't moved out and foresaken Your financial support so how about giving YOU some much needed emotional and mental support by putting the demands on hold until You get home?

At any rate ... i admire Your ethics and willingness to see through Your financial committments to this woman and her child. Few Men maintain such integrity in the face of a collapsing situation in which one party even -appears- to be failing to hold up her end of the agreed upon committment. You have taken Your own responsibilities seriously in the face of a very difficult situation and i applaud You for that ... many would have taken a much more hard hearted approach whether it be justified or not. And frankly ... few would fault You ... Your own committment to Your morals stands You above the crowd in my eyes ... regardless of Your mistakes in perhaps moving too fast. At least You haven't put her out on the street or shut off the bank account ... even though You seem pretty sure things are over.

i wish You safety and the best Sir ... keep Your head down and watch Your six ... and Come the F*#k on Home as quickly as possible! Give 'em hell Sir!

~saki
Property of Master D.

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Followers, do not backlead. Not only does it make leading more difficult, but it also makes it more difficult for the leader to avoid collisions.

(in reply to darkpassenger434)

Post #: 32

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/4/2008 12:51:36 AM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

Dear dark... You are very kind so to say and have shown a great heart for this person.. i hope she does acknowledge Your being so grateful to You and becomes honest with You. Take care.. (It is always the men who pay the price whether they are D or s... i have my fair share as a sub..)

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Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!

(in reply to darkpassenger434)

Post #: 33

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/4/2008 1:49:11 AM

CuriousLord

Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
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Take this with a pinch of salt, as it is coming from a man who's hardly conscious..

Be ready to ditch her. Be fine with it. Get over it and deal with your emotional shit like you've already broken up, so that you're not attached or needing her at the end. Then, when you talk to her, you're free to walk away without any games. Tell her it's submit well, without the need to be watched, disciplined, or distrusted.. or to just go waste someone else's time. If she sticks with you, you can decide if you still want her. If she doesn't, you'll fine and not even think of her the next day.

I think keeping your head straight is the biggest thing that helps make one's love life easier. The same way many would recommend you masturbate before a date so you can have something on your mind besides sex, I'm suggesting you get the emotional shit out of your head so you can deal with her in the way that you need to.

The rest should be natural from there. Just keep some dignity about you.

(in reply to darkpassenger434)

Post #: 34

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/4/2008 1:49:59 AM

MidMichCowboy

Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline

OK, I'm going to throw out my opinion. I'm sure it will bother some, but here goes.
You never really mastered her. You gave in, you played games, you let her top you from the bottom and control things.
If you want her, take her. We often make things too complex.
Now that is just my observation and the feelings I get from what you have written. You seem like you "accomodate" her, not master her.
I do hope it works out for you.

_____________________________

I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 35

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/4/2008 1:57:37 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petpete

Dear dark... You are very kind so to say and have shown a great heart for this person.. i hope she does acknowledge Your being so grateful to You and becomes honest with You. Take care.. (It is always the men who pay the price whether they are D or s... i have my fair share as a sub..)

And Wwe woman stand still

and never pay for anything...?

What a noncence..

People live and learn pete..

That means both sexes.

*spanx*

GoddezzT`

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Post #: 36

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/4/2008 2:08:23 AM

darkpassenger434

Posts: 138
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline

I have likely done more accomodating than was necessary. Partly because I have a very old world vampiric tendency where I want to insure consent before I take. Which is quite difficult when someone doesn't know what the hell they really want. I also probably gave her too much slack due to the difficult situation the whole overseas thing put her in. I also don't necessarily think being a Master means total disregard of the slaves needs or wants. You are right regarding the topping from the bottom shit, although I certainly didn't notice at the time. You just get tired of constant bitching and fighting. Mistakes were made. The letting go thing is where I'm at. I've always been able to flip the switch to cold, demon mode and my experiences over here have only made that sort of thing easier.
-R

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)

Post #: 37

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/4/2008 2:35:25 AM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
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I can see a lot of of problems here, one you only knew her for a few months before leaving, trust takes a long time to build it does not happen immmediately, faced with an absent master so soon after starting a relationship especially if brand new to the lifestyle, a child to raise and a home to care for is a lot of responsibility and worry, worry and fear can cause some people to rebel, being a master is not just about ordering someone around but also about learning what makes them tick so that so can learn how to get positive responses out of them and now your relationship is not even over with you, she and her child is still living with you and you are on here on the search for another. Are you not putting the cart before the horse? It seems to me you need to learn to master yourself before trying to master others first, Why would you want to bring another into the situation you're in now, all you would achieve is another failed relationship to add to the string you already are claiming to have, that alone should be a clue that you need to be looking within yourself for the answers rather than laying blame on others for the failures, maybe it is time to take time out and learn why things went wrong make sure the relationship is ended in a manner that is respectful before entering another so as to avoided repeating or causing another pain. Understand we are only hearing your side to the story, I am sure if she told her side the story may sound very different. For this reason my answer is quite different from everyone elses as I am not focusing as much on your telling of your relationship but looking at it from a different perspective including using info you gave in your profile

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Post #: 38

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/4/2008 6:24:35 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

if you are truely serious about being with someone or being with someone. Do not stay one here and talk about it go fix it or work with them. every time someone involves the world in their problems when it comes to a personal relationship it never works out cause to me people have their hands in the cookie jar. I am a selfish person when it comes to my relationships with someone. they have my attention. I expect it back equal balance give and take growing together not just a one sided rock on water . I like support structure to run both ways. THis is the key for a good healthy relationship. Keeping things hidden is always bad sounds like this person is just exploring or a tourest dose not have any idea what she wants or to do. confuzzled people make for a confuzzled time in your growth path

(in reply to Maya2001)

Post #: 39

RE: advice for failed relationship - 1/4/2008 7:01:38 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petpete
It is always the men who pay the price whether they are D or s...

pfffffft

The first year you are with someone is always the hardest. (actually, the second year can be QUITE difficult as well...)

but, anyway, I just want to say that I am so glad that my Master didn't give up on me, even though I have not been perfect.
If she's saying she is unhappy because of the D/s well, than I guess there is nothing else to talk about. If she is unhappy for other, more vanilla reasons, (such as sudden outbursts from you, or you don't want her talking to her friends/family) then these are things which could possibly be worked out.
Otoh, since it's so easy for you to turn off your feelings for this woman, she'd probably be better off with someone who can't just 'turn cold' at will.
Anyway, thank you for serving our country. I wish you a speedy and safe return.

~Christina who always loves happy endings

(in reply to petpete)

Post #: 40

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