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Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 8:53:30 AM

parttimehotty

Posts: 4002
Joined: 11/19/2007
From: Virginville
Status: offline

Good morning, All:

This question is addressed specifically to the Dom's who engage in edge play....but of course, anyone is welcome to answer ;)
If your sub, whom you claim to love more than anyone before her is stricken w/a terminal illness, unable to participate in the edge play, the kinky sessions that you desire 90% of the time, would you find another sub to satisfy you in this manner w/o telling your ill sub? You ill sub has said that she knows she can't satisfy you in this way and to look elsewhere, however she has no desire to be privy to your actions. The substitute sub is into everything you are, you enjoy her company yet you live about a 45minute drive from her. Telling her to come to you is not an option unless you rent a room therefore you must visit her. Your schedule is extremely tight w/kids, taking care of ill sub during her down times, running her home based business and your regular day job for the income to take care of her medical expenses that insurance doesn't cover. You are extremely tired most of the time trying to juggle all of these duties.
Despite the fact your sub has asked NOT to be privy to your extracurricular actions, would you tell her about the substitute sub in order to make YOUR life easier, thus creating a poly situation? i know that your sub is ill, but you are the Dom, in charge, what would you do?

Respectfully,

_____________________________

Resident Virgin
Official Mommy of Jolly & Jilly

Nobody is 'dead' until nobody remembers them
http://www.chkittyclub.com/pages/home.html
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=3&ThirdPartyClicks=ThankYouCar

Post #: 1

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 8:58:57 AM

RoughFN

Posts: 197
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline

I would either tell her about it, or I wouldn't do it.

I guess it depends upon the degree of "privy" that you're talking about. If I were to do it, I'd certainly let her know that I was doing it, but any additional information beyond that would be up to what she wants to know. It's basically the same situation I'm in with my wife right now - she knows that I'm doing things, has a vague notion of some of the things that I am doing, but doesn't want all the gory details and specifics.

The relationship is too built upon trust for me to be willing to do something like that behind her back. Yes, yes, if she told me she was fine with it then it may not technically be behind her back, but I'd still have to let her know it was going on. Regardless, I'd be clear up front that if I were to go find someone else to tide me over that I'd tell her that it was happening, if not the details. If she wasn't comfortable knowing for a fact that it was happening, then I wouldn't be comfortable doing it.

Whether or not I'd actually do it is a different question that I don't know the answer to.

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 2

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 8:59:54 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

IF what he has told you is all true (I'm assuming you are the sub sub...), then before I would play with any Dom, I would have to know that he had his other sub's blessing. That would probably mean a fact to face meeting, and if there was any tension in the air, I'd have to gracefully bow out.
It sounds to me as if he should be concentrating on other parts of his life right now if what he says is true.

Find someone whose home you can visit, whose home phone (not cell) you can call any time day or night, and someone without all of those complications. You'll be MUCH happier.

~Christina

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 3

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 9:04:02 AM

parttimehotty

Posts: 4002
Joined: 11/19/2007
From: Virginville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

IF what he has told you is all true (I'm assuming you are the sub sub...), then before I would play with any Dom, I would have to know that he had his other sub's blessing. That would probably mean a fact to face meeting, and if there was any tension in the air, I'd have to gracefully bow out.
It sounds to me as if he should be concentrating on other parts of his life right now if what he says is true.

Find someone whose home you can visit, whose home phone (not cell) you can call any time day or night, and someone without all of those complications. You'll be MUCH happier.

~Christina

Indeed i am the sub sub and it would be nice to have a Dom i can acutually CALL as opposed to TM'ing all the freakin time. i have to tm permission to call :( He said in the beginning that she said to find His "release" elsewhere since she can't partake in the edge play. i've suggested a meeting but He became quite angry about it, saying that i was already told she didn't want to know. How can you know, yet not know? Denile (denial) is not just a river in Egypt, right?

_____________________________

Resident Virgin
Official Mommy of Jolly & Jilly

Nobody is 'dead' until nobody remembers them
http://www.chkittyclub.com/pages/home.html
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=3&ThirdPartyClicks=ThankYouCar

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 4

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 9:06:42 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

If I asked someone, specifically NOT to tell me something, and they did, there would be a long discussion on why they felt it was necessary to tell me, what their needs are in that, what my needs are in that, and whether I could continue in that relationship based on that discussion.

Seems like it boils down to respect.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 5

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 9:08:15 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Wait a sec... she does not want to know about the specifics of you, and you're upset about that? You went into it knowing she didn't want to know, right? And then you ask to meet her anyway??

Color me confused.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 6

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 9:08:28 AM

catalyst247uk

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: parttimehotty

Good morning, All:

This question is addressed specifically to the Dom's who engage in edge play....but of course, anyone is welcome to answer ;)
If your sub, whom you claim to love more than anyone before her is stricken w/a terminal illness, unable to participate in the edge play, the kinky sessions that you desire 90% of the time, would you find another sub to satisfy you in this manner w/o telling your ill sub? Respectfully,

Personally if I did love the sub then I would not seek another.

And unless we were poly before I would not take her assertion that I should find another as a serious reflection of what would make HER happy - but as an attempt to make me happy ...especially if she didnt want to know about it.

It might sound lame - but under those circumstances making the one I loved as happy / comfortable as she could be under those circumstances, and treasuring whatever time we had left WOULD make me happy ...or as happy as one can be faced with the prospect of losing the one you love! And thats what I would focus on.

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 7

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 9:11:03 AM

MasterSohun

Posts: 56
Joined: 3/11/2007
Status: offline

I think i would tell the sub about the substitute to keep honest with all parties but in terms of what i do with the substitute i think i would have to honor her wish i not discuss things with her i do withthe substitute

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 8

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 9:11:23 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

I understand that Cali; but this sounds to me like a convenient lie to get a part-time subbie.
Another big red flag is the fact that she has to tm him for permission to call.
(that can be hot in certain circumstances but not just when someone is using it to avoid being caught.)

Op; there are lots around who are just looking for play, but it sounds as if you want your 'very own' dom. I just think this guy sounds like a schemer...

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 9

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 9:13:52 AM

parttimehotty

Posts: 4002
Joined: 11/19/2007
From: Virginville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

Wait a sec... she does not want to know about the specifics of you, and you're upset about that? You went into it knowing she didn't want to know, right? And then you ask to meet her anyway??

Color me confused.

Cali

No, i left out the events that led up to my asking to meet. He was telling me how tired He was, all the details and i merely asked permission to make a suggestion to make His life a bit easier and that was for us to meet, get to know each other as friends. Not for Him to introduce me as His paramour right off the bat. But you're correct, i did go into this w/all 4 eyes open, so it's not a surprise.

_____________________________

Resident Virgin
Official Mommy of Jolly & Jilly

Nobody is 'dead' until nobody remembers them
http://www.chkittyclub.com/pages/home.html
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=3&ThirdPartyClicks=ThankYouCar

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 10

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 9:14:08 AM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: parttimehotty

If your sub, whom you claim to love more than anyone before her is stricken w/a terminal illness, unable to participate in the edge play, the kinky sessions that you desire 90% of the time, would you find another sub to satisfy you in this manner w/o telling your ill sub?

It sounds to me as though you're talking about a bottom, not a submissive. It's quite common for folks to engage in sensation play with friends and acquaintances who may have a particular interest or skill, outside of their committed power exchange relationship. That's true of both Tops/Dominants and bottoms/submissives/slaves.

There is a meaningful difference between engaging in non-sexual sensation play with a friend or acquaintance outside of a committed relationship, and the kind of sexual play that often occurs between committed partners or those who are not presently in a committed relationship. In the first instance, it's for the enjoyment of the sensation itself (ie: the specific activity), whereas in the second instance the activity is a means to an end.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 11

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 9:17:41 AM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

ptth it sounds to me, as if the sub-sub wants the original sub to know just so that the sub-sub has an easier time of it. If someone promises to either tell or withold something from me and they change that to make someone else more comfortable I would be very unhappy.Original sub has a standing relationship and her health is bad enough to be called terminal, I see no need to make her unhappy. Case in point, my SIL was diagnosed with a terminal illness and the doctors refused to actually say that. I researched and found out the truth, I then asked her if she wanted to know what I had learned. She did, desperately. She needed to know.Her mother my MIL did not want to know, she wanted to be blind to the emotional pain of losing her daughter until it actually happened. I did not tell my MIL because she did not want to know and no purpose would have been served. To muck about with a dying persons emotions is something I personally could not live with.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 12

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 9:21:59 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

That's IF this guy is telling the truth.
She may be healthy as a horse, and just not into kink.
Either way, this is not a guy I would want anyone I cared about to mess with.

(in reply to camille65)

Post #: 13

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 9:28:49 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

That's IF this guy is telling the truth.
She may be healthy as a horse, and just not into kink.
Either way, this is not a guy I would want anyone I cared about to mess with.

Acknowledged and agreed. However, she did go into this with her eyes wide open, and I find it, well, unethical (because I just can't put my finger on another word right now), that she wants to change it now. Even meeting at all, not part of the original deal.

So take the deal or leave. But don't try to change it.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 14

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 9:29:38 AM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: parttimehotty

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

IF what he has told you is all true (I'm assuming you are the sub sub...), then before I would play with any Dom, I would have to know that he had his other sub's blessing. That would probably mean a fact to face meeting, and if there was any tension in the air, I'd have to gracefully bow out.
It sounds to me as if he should be concentrating on other parts of his life right now if what he says is true.

Find someone whose home you can visit, whose home phone (not cell) you can call any time day or night, and someone without all of those complications. You'll be MUCH happier.

~Christina

Indeed i am the sub sub and it would be nice to have a Dom i can acutually CALL as opposed to TM'ing all the freakin time. i have to tm permission to call :( He said in the beginning that she said to find His "release" elsewhere since she can't partake in the edge play. i've suggested a meeting but He became quite angry about it, saying that i was already told she didn't want to know. How can you know, yet not know? Denile (denial) is not just a river in Egypt, right?

I have been close to too many terminally ill people. Some want to go without a battle over extraneous crap. Apparently she just does not want to know the details of a new relationship that is formed because she is too ill. I guess that is 'how you can know, yet not know'. It sucks sucks sucks being too ill to do things, I can only imagine how it feels to know you are dying and unable to satisfy the man you love. It may be a form of denial but so what? It seems he is fine with her not knowing the details, it seems that she doesn't want to know the details. He loves her or so you say but he needs the edge play outlet and you are the outlet. You knew that going in and I'm sorry but I don't think you have the right to upend her world because you don't get enough time with him. I don't see this as a poly relationship but instead I see a man who wants to continue to play 'with someone else' because his girl can no longer do so. To be quite honest I don't understand why you want her to know.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 15

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 9:32:37 AM

parttimehotty

Posts: 4002
Joined: 11/19/2007
From: Virginville
Status: offline

Thank you all. Camille65, you've struck a chord w/me, i am being selfish in this whole scenario. i do want more time w/Him. i thought i could handle being the fb when He needed one, but unfortunately for me, i've fallen hard for Him. i must step back and reevaluate my thoughts on this "relationship" because if it continues, i can only see further distress for Him.& heartache for me.

< Message edited by parttimehotty -- 1/3/2008 9:41:43 AM >

_____________________________

Resident Virgin
Official Mommy of Jolly & Jilly

Nobody is 'dead' until nobody remembers them
http://www.chkittyclub.com/pages/home.html
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=3&ThirdPartyClicks=ThankYouCar

(in reply to camille65)

Post #: 16

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 9:38:12 AM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

With the new information of him not contacting you during the past 4 days I can't help but think this is an answer from him. It is quite possible that the complications of balancing you and his sub are too much.I think that you ought not email or text him, if he finally does contact you and hasn't a good reason then as above.. I would take that as his reason, that he no longer wants to deal with both of you and he has made the choice of the original sub. Edited to add, wow I really really hope she does not read the CM forums. That would be awful, to not want to know then read it all on a public forum

.

< Message edited by camille65 -- 1/3/2008 9:39:28 AM >

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 17

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 9:42:40 AM

rapunzel2

Posts: 13
Joined: 11/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

That's IF this guy is telling the truth.
She may be healthy as a horse, and just not into kink.
Either way, this is not a guy I would want anyone I cared about to mess with.

Indeed. I find this highly suspicious...having to TM him only is a significant red flag.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 18

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 9:47:03 AM

ItalianSMistress

Posts: 427
Joined: 1/19/2007
From: Niagara Region Ontario Canada
Status: offline

I have a bit of a similar situation, not exactly, but the same idea with the slaves not being outright known. I have a boy that lives with Me, and he is not a slave. He is not into BDSM at all, and does not understand it. He knows I am gay, but he has been around from when I was not sure and thought I was bi, and is My sons father. So, he basicly asked Me to just not be in his face and protect him from that. But, he also knows not to ask questions that he may not like the answers to. So, if the phone rings, and he does not know who is on the other end, he would know better than to ask, cuz he has done that a few times, and never likes the answer. He has been with Me over 14 years, and is a VERY good domestic, he loves Me like crazy and is better trained than any slave I have ever seen, so why would I not keep him? At the same time, I wont make him upset by bringing people in here when he is home. I wont push it in his face, and I try and make sure that he is protected from anything that might hurt him, but he can not expect Me not to be Me.

_____________________________

Governess

"Dominance is the ability to create a hunger in someone that's so strong they will do anything, anytime, anywhere just to please you."

http://italianmistress.livejournal.com/

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 19

RE: Substitute sub question - 1/3/2008 10:04:33 AM

southeasternsub

Posts: 15
Joined: 3/11/2007
Status: offline

I have been in the position of being the sub that was ill and not able to play for awhile. My Dom came to me and told me that a couple had contacted him and they were looking for specific things, more extreme than I was able to do at that time. I encouraged him to go and do the scene. I knew it would make him happy and he would be able to have experiences that were beyond my level at that time. We discussed everything before hand so that nothing happened during the scene that I was not aware of. It was hard to hear some of it however not knowing would have bothered me just as much. When it was all over he came back to me and we talked again. If the couple had wished to talk with me before the scene happened I would have been fine with that as well. Honestly is the key to everything.

(in reply to ItalianSMistress)

Post #: 20

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