RE: Action vs. Reaction

RE: Action vs. Reaction (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

lanie38 -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/3/2008 8:03:28 PM)
Sure his moods affect me...I care about him and what he thinks. But that being said I'm in a relationship, and in our partnership we are each other's biggest supporters. I think we'd doing a great disservice to our partnership if we were that affected by each other's moods. After all, if he's sad I want to be able to stay positive and a light in his life to keep him hopeful. If I'm angry he'd want to be the voice of reason, perspective and understanding that keeps me grounded. And happiness..well that one's easy... For us it's about balance..with the scales that work for us.. ~lanie

Driver1961 -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/3/2008 8:25:07 PM)
He dips His lid; "When something is wrong with my baybee, something is wrong with me" I believe this to be true otherwise I would question the dynamic between myself and partner/sub. The 'power' to please another can involve self-sacrifice to self-detriment. Many Dominants fail to grasp this adequately. (I have been there) Yes emotions can go awry and the subsequent post mortems of WHO did the Action first before a NEGATIVE reaction can become arguments in themselves. Two people are individuals with differing perspectives. One or both can predicate (Come from) self-defensive (negative) perspectives. Where trust or respect of the other is not paramount during the post-mortems (or preferably prior or during the disagreement) then the relationship is heading in or is in the sewer. A Dominant giving instructions to a sub (be it guidelines/correction/punishment) has a right to expect they are understood and accepted; unless subsequently questioned by the sub. No different than a sub detailing her limits and no different than expectations in nilla relationships. The question arises; Who is responsible for another reacting negatively? Buttons are pushed many can argue. Finger pointing,dammnations etc. A submissive can equally affect a Dominant's state of mind as the reverse- it all comes down to the state of mind of the individual's concerned. Yes, ideally a Dominant SHOULD wield their 'power' judiciously for the sub's overall benefit but we are not Gods. (True Dominants are not Gods Ha Ha!) How submissives relate 'power' to their Dominant varies upon the individual and the parameters of the relationship. Daddy/girl. Master/Slave, D/s and even S/M. We are people with flaws just as all other 'labels' in society are not perfect. We are ansewerable (sic) to ourselves and solely responsible for own own actions and reactions. The willingness or ability to communicate within ourselves and to a significant other is fundamental to negating or overcoming the Original Post. Significant others must understand the expectations of the other and must demonstrate this with 'reinforcing actions' to optimise respect when the inevitable lapse into the sewer arises. Hey, "Shit Happens?!" and it happens in relationships- it is our learning of ourselves that we have as we arise to cleanse ourselves and present ourselves. My thoughts, Driver.

breatheasone -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/4/2008 12:00:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist quote: If he withdraws from her for punishment, In my eyes, that is not how a Dominant man/woman behaves; that is how a weak, spiteful, person acts. QFT

RCdc -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/4/2008 12:08:37 PM)
I do not think that some s types know how their emotions can touch their masters either. It's not merely one sided. Of course anyones emotions, when you have consistant contact effects others. Anything you wrote can be reversed. However, I do not believe that withdrawing is a healthy punishment for aprolong period of time. If it is effecting you that much, then communicate this to him. I don't believe withdraw is a good positive tool personally. With holding something is different, but withdrawing is a passive-aggressive manipulation and not in a good way. Unless mind fucks are your thang. the.dark.

slavemaia -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/4/2008 1:42:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP That sounds like codependency, in a bad way. You need healthy boundaries, so if his boss is snarling at him you shouldn't have a break down. Sympathize with his stress, certainly. Try to ameliorate other stresses, of course. But be wound up by his mood with no line drawn between him and you, no thanks. i would agree in terms of a submissve, but certainly not in terms of a slave. And for those who think there's no difference between a sub and a slave, think what you wish, but i know, from my own experience, there is definitely a huge difference.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/4/2008 4:15:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavemaia think what you wish, but i know, from my own experience, there is definitely a huge difference. So in your own experience you know what every other subs and slaves experience is and that is it always a huge difference between them?

FullCircle -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/4/2008 4:25:32 PM)
Newton’s laws do not apply to relationships, sorry. I find your hypothesis implausible. Unless you think all humans are so two dimensional and their behaviour can so easily be predicted?

laurell3 -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/4/2008 4:29:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark I do not think that some s types know how their emotions can touch their masters either. It's not merely one sided. Of course anyones emotions, when you have consistant contact effects others. Anything you wrote can be reversed. However, I do not believe that withdrawing is a healthy punishment for aprolong period of time. If it is effecting you that much, then communicate this to him. I don't believe withdraw is a good positive tool personally. With holding something is different, but withdrawing is a passive-aggressive manipulation and not in a good way. Unless mind fucks are your thang. the.dark. Agreed, although I wouldn't call that a "mindfuck" per se as much as a rather unhealthy communication style which would be unacceptable to me personally. To the OP his withdrawing doesn't make me depressed, it makes me question his ability to effectively lead and eventually lose interest. I think many threw out the term codependency as a knee-jerk reaction, however, the reality is that many times this type of relationship promotes some codependence which is one of the reasons from a vanilla perspective it is criticised and I don't use those standards in my bdsm d/s relationships. However, there's certainly a line somewhere where one must balance their own personal growth and emotional health with the dependence on their partner. Getting depressed when they fail to communicate would be way over that line for me personally.

sunshinemiss -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/4/2008 5:11:45 PM)
hmmmmmmmmmmm ... it is a conundrum, isn't it.... Being a strong passionate person who is deeply sensitive to another's wishes and who submits to that. Of course there are fuzzy boundaries for some of us... of course many of us have difficulties with this... Heck even the strongest of the strong has the occasional issue with this. Withdrawing from you for DAYS? That seems extreme to me. It is certainly perfectly acceptable to withdraw to some degree... maybe A DAY...I myself try to say (and ask others to do this as well) "I'm really angry and need a little time to think about what just happened. I'll get back to you later/tomorrow/after work." That allows for some cooling off time, some examination time (why exactly am I angry?) and then some preparation time to think through how to say to the other person what I need to say (how can I say this in a non defensive, non attacking way?). Through self-discipline (guilt, shame, embarassment) we can sometimes find ways to correct ourselves for the future. To use a real life example.... When I was a girl, I used to leave my shoes in the middle of the floor. I was always told to put them away but didn't. Then one day my grandmother (whom I adored) tripped and fell on them. Well, I can't tell you how horrible I felt that I had hurt her (she was only bruised, but still....). The feelings of causing her to be hurt were much greater punishment than being grounded or whatever - I don't even remember what my punishment was... I do remember vividly how horrible I felt about hurting her. To this day I can feel that. Have I ever left shoes in the middle of the floor again? NO. Is that because I was punished? No. Is it because I hurt someone I loved? Yes. If days of being ignored works for you (and your post suggests that it does not), I'd be sure to bring that up. Adult, mature conversation is the best way in my opinion. Perhpas your Dom likes to watch you squirm and wants days of begging from you. If that's the case and you guys work it out, great.... But, if he is just being a little boy who is holding his breath to get his way... until his face turns blue, well that tells you a lot about his character, doesn't it? peace.

PsyVamp -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/4/2008 6:26:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss Withdrawing from you for DAYS? That seems extreme to me. It is certainly perfectly acceptable to withdraw to some degree... maybe A DAY...I myself try to say (and ask others to do this as well) "I'm really angry and need a little time to think about what just happened. I'll get back to you later/tomorrow/after work." That allows for some cooling off time, some examination time (why exactly am I angry?) and then some preparation time to think through how to say to the other person what I need to say (how can I say this in a non defensive, non attacking way?). If days of being ignored works for you (and your post suggests that it does not), I'd be sure to bring that up. Adult, mature conversation is the best way in my opinion. Perhpas your Dom likes to watch you squirm and wants days of begging from you. If that's the case and you guys work it out, great.... But, if he is just being a little boy who is holding his breath to get his way... until his face turns blue, well that tells you a lot about his character, doesn't it? peace. I will have to agree on this one. Even when I do "ignore" wolf, it is never for more than a short time, usually a day and usually, as I said before, to figure out if its all in my head, and if not, then to figure out a course of action. If it were to be for days, it wouldn't do to be together at all, since to me, communication is so very important.

DesFIP -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/4/2008 6:56:03 PM)
Withdrawal being a topic of it's own. Again it depends. If that to you spells abandonment and causes gaping emotional difficulties then it's a stupid way of handling things. Because people when threatened enough finally cause the threat to come true in order to stop waiting for it. So if you want her to assume you are abandoning her, be prepared for her not to be there when you later on yell surprise, I haven't left after all. For people who don't have that abandonment trigger, then it can be used. However if it has to be frequently, and for more reason then the dom/me needing time off to get themselves under control, then it isn't the most compatible or workable of relationships.

geishagurl -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/4/2008 9:48:33 PM)
I want to thank each and every one of you for your opinions. Some of you put a lot of thought into your answers for me and I want to thank you for that. I think using withdrawl works better for some than for others. Some can handle it, some can for a short amount of time, some for longer, and some can't at all. We are all different. I think using psychological BDSM, concerning withdrawl, can be a dangerous thing, no matter how big or small the crime was, and the Dom needs to know his submissive well before administering it. In some cases, perhaps it's his way of ending the relationship to make his submissive feel as bad as he did when she first made the mistake. Thank you again, Geisha

robertolapiedra -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/4/2008 10:33:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: geishagurl I think Dominants sometimes do not realize how MUCH power they have over their submissive, emotional wise. If he is happy, she is happy. If he’s unhappy, she is unhappy. If he’s disappointed in her, she’s even more disappointed in herself. If he withdraws from her for punishment, she withdraws even further. If his withdrawal from her lasts too long, she can go into depression. I think sometimes Dominants forget or are unaware just how sensitive submissives are to their Dominant’s satisfaction and/or acceptance of them. What’s your take on it, anyone? Hello geishagurl. My take on it is, it is not because you are the submissive half of a PE consensual relationship that you cannot communicate exactly what are your psychological limits to your dominant. You have to be an adult about this and stop saying that dominants "sometimes do not realize how much power they have emotional wise". You do not know what we know or not. Just realize how little power "you" have and how convenient it is to blame your dom for your lack of communication and responsabilty to yourself and the relationship. Just my take, you can "take" it or leave it. RL.

ExSteelAgain -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/5/2008 3:11:40 AM)
It is extreme - and wrong, too, in the context of suggesting, in essence, that submissives are hurt because Doms don’t take steps to head off feelings of rejection for ordinary actions. Should a Dominant foresee everything that affects a submissive? Ain't gonna happ'n, cap'n. The fact is that as a matter of principle a Dom shouldn’t try to create the feelings of rejection in the submissive, nor should a submissive feel hurt beyond the norm for slight slights. The problem? We are all influenced by the action of our partners as we get to know them in subtle ways. I can detect insecurity and then have several options. I can even use her insecurity to make her more of a slave. But let's say I did. Then what? My control over her may be meaningless - because neither she nor I is going to have a solid relationship based on insecurity. I may temporarily use it, but I can’t build serious control of her with it. That requires my dedicated concern for her in a way that she understands to be there at all times. I have to be careful here, I don’t want to do something just to be able to claim I have Done Something on an issue about which she helplessly hopes for action. Full circle here. If I know she is distraught, possibly by my actions, I don’t have to wait impotently and hope things get better, I can work in subtle ways as any companion would, but there is not a responsibility for me to know deep insecurities not based in reality, especially not with a casual partner. Period.

Driver1961 -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/5/2008 5:58:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: geishagurl EDITED I think using psychological BDSM, concerning withdrawl, can be a dangerous thing, no matter how big or small the crime was, and the Dom needs to know his submissive well before administering it. In some cases, perhaps it's his way of ending the relationship to make his submissive feel as bad as he did when she first made the mistake. Extremely valid points here in your summation. Withdrawal can be a very dangerous thing even if the D thinks their submissive has told them all there is to know about them to evaluate a 'correction'. The withdrawal can trigger emotions/reactions well outside the concious thought of the submissive AND; let's not forget the Dominant can also react similarly; and not understand how their 'correction/s' are interpreted by the submissive. A submiissive may believe it is the D's way of ending the relationship when in fact it is not! The D may simply want to have the submissive feel as bad as they did (conciously or unconsciously) when the mistake was made. Warm regards Driver. Thank you again, Geisha

SirJohnMandevill -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/5/2008 6:49:24 AM)
Just my .02 zlotys: I doubt I'd be happy with a submissive who acts as the OP describes. I generally seek women who are strong and intelligent outside our D/s relationship, making the kind of codependency described unlikely. And I have to echo one of IrishMist's early comments: emotional withdrawal for punishment is petty and childish, and not something a responsible Dominant does. If you have a problem, TALK with your sub. Don't ignore her! Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)

KnightofMists -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/5/2008 9:06:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick I think sometimes people should take more responsibility for their own emotional health. Cali ditto

slavemaia -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/5/2008 12:50:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross So in your own experience you know what every other subs and slaves experience is and that is it always a huge difference between them? mmmmm - yup - although we all like to think we are all so terminally unique - we aren't. Whether someone wants to admit there is a difference between a sub and a slave or not is certainly their own individual peroggative. However, refusing to believe a chicken is a chicken and a duck is a duck don't make it so.

Raechard -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/5/2008 12:55:11 PM)
A chicken may be a chicken but a human is far more complicated than either a chicken or a duck. [:D]

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Action vs. Reaction (1/5/2008 12:56:49 PM)
You know after all this time I have to say for onces someone gets it just that simple yep but then again we have to many primates who think to much like monkees and not human beings they remind me of baboons snorting and grunting like a pack of animals that all they do is crap eat and pick their butt or each others lol

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

3.076172E-02