julietsierra
Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
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Philosophically, I rather like the idea that the person in charge has an even bigger obligation to live by the rules that are in place than his or her "subjects." Lots of leaders attempt to live by this rule - or at least they say they do.
However, I'd say more people than not take a more machiavellian view to rules in that what's needed for the submissive isn't such a requirement for the dominant (and no, I'm not talking about permission to buy or to masturbate or other things that are more procedural). I'm talking about the rules that are in place to protect and promote what the dominant has considered the basic tenets of that relationship - specifically what the submissive should be doing to uphold the basic tenets.
So, to answer the philosophical ideas, instead of looking for "justice" in a "turn about is fair play" kind of way, I think what is more necessary - in fact, imperative - is a way of communicating so that each person feels they've been heard, that each can walk away from that moment without walking away from each other and so that each may learn in a way that is constructive, not destructive, how to better build the relationship.
Yes, things happen - both from the submissive side of the fence as well as the dominant side of the fence. What happens though (at least in my experience) is that the trouble starts when there's a general feeling of unfairness that goes farther than dominant/submissive relationships. When a dominant feels that he's forever forgiving and giving second and third and fourth chances, eventually, he's going to run out of opportunities to fix things. When a submissive feels like she's forever having to get over the same relationship errors of a dominant with seemingly no concern on the dominant's part as to how that's affecting her...she's going to simply decide, eventually, to leave.
So, to me, rather than focus on punishment and rather than simply giving lip service to communication (it's a nice word to say but if you don't know how to do it, it's kind of a useless waste of letters), each of the people within the relationship need to learn how to LISTEN and LEARN from each other and from their own mistakes. That way, when the mistakes happen as they inevietably will, there's a process in place to deal with those mistakes that each can rely on.
I know that no one's perfect in my relationship. Both of us have proven that to each other in some rather emphatic ways. What we have done though is to develop a way of talking to each other that ensures that each of us is at the very least hearing what's being said and acknowledging to the other that we've heard. Conversations move from those points and are done in small increments at a time so that each of us can process what the other has said. And we do this until we can come to some sort of resolution that keeps each of us respecting the position of the other as well as the role we each play. Sometimes it's tedius and sometimes it's more than frustrating, but without it in place, I can name a number of occassions where we might not have survived.
And along the way, the value added piece to this has been that we've learned a bit more about each other and about ourselves.
Philosophically, that's a pretty cool thing to have done.
juliet
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RE: I need Help with a philisophical D/s question... - 
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