RoughFN
Posts: 197
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline
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First of all, I'll personally say that I don't get into dominating somebody online at all until I've actually met her. But I'm not interested in doing things online, only in the real world. I know that you're just starting out so you wanted to start out there, but I figured I'd share my background as well.
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So after all that my question is two fold. 1) In the unlikely event that she does return and accepts her punishment, what would an appropriate first corrective action be realizing that I am not officially her Dom?
In my opinion, there isn't one. You're not her dom. I'd say that you screwed up by asking for something initially, but you compounded it by threatening punishment afterwards.
First off, realize that you made a fairly elaborate and involved request. A daily email detailing what she's done and will do is a fair bit of additional work for her, and a lot for you to request if she's not yours. When you're starting out in this manner, I'd recommend trying something very mild and one time to exert yourself. Tell her to unhook her bra or order her to share her most erotic fantasy. If she does something that you don't like and apologizes for it ("I'm sorry"), reply with a simple command of (" "I'm sorry, Sir." "), and see if she gets the hint and re-sends the message properly addressed. If she does, cool, she's playing along. If not, oh well. But fancy names get dropped after that, anyway.
What would be an appropriate first punishment? Just tell her you're disappointed and that you're going to drop the requirement until she's ready to do it since she's clearly not ready to handle it right now, but you'll revisit it in the future when it's appropriate. She'll probably be relieved. She may be embarrassed that she didn't take the time to write the note and volunteer to do it, she may not. No harm either way. If and when she actually is submitting to you, don't try to go back and re-punish her for this. But, going forward after that if she's not writing her letter, you can punish her then for that.
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2) In the more likely event that it is better luck next time for the both of us, is there any fundamental flaw in the way I approach d the situation? Like being more aggressive sooner or being more patient? Any typical signs that the sub is ready to be dominated?
The clearest sign is when the girl says "I'm ready to be dominated."
Here's what I do for those first meetings - I say pretty early on that we're not going to be doing any play. I'm not going to go pull out the whips, I'm not going to order her around, anything like that until she's ready. When she wants to do something, I tell her to simply get up and then kneel in front of me. She doesn't have the embarrassment of saying, "Top me now" (and yes, that can be embarrassing for some people, regardless of whether they want to do it), and she also doesn't have to worry about me trying to control her before she's ready.
Also, we're normally meeting by going out to eat somewhere. So I'll tell her that up front, and then afterwards if things went well, I'll invite her back to my place (or see if she invites me to hers, depending upon where we are) to chat a bit more. If so, I'll re-emphasize the kneeling rule and we go from there. It really seems to put people at ease.
Online? Tougher call. But that's why I really hold out for real life. Your substantial flaw was trying to push things and exert yourself since you're not actually in charge of her, at least not yet. Remember, the one piece of power that a sub has is that she chooses who she submits to. The only say you have in the matter is that you need to demonstrate that you're the right one for her to do it with. Jumping the gun and showing that you're overeager and can't keep it in your pants doesn't help things.
Case in point, my current girl started off rocky and slow before I even got to do anything with her (yes, yes, just like my other thread. Don't read too much into it), but I basically hung around as was patient and respected her wishes until she was ready to go. It really impressed her. Other guys she'd messed around with in situations like that had jumped into things too quickly and didn't pay attention to what she wanted up front. By not doing anything, I showed that I have an extreme level of control that really blew her away. Don't get me wrong - I let her be aware of the fact that I was frustrated and wanted to do things, but we didn't actually act on them until she was ready to start. It solidified things nicely.
Next time start more slowly. Hell, ask her when she wants to slide more into a D/s aspect. If you're talking for a few weeks and it never comes up, raise it and tell her you think it's about time you segued into it. If she balks or isn't sure yet, drop her - she probably won't ever want to. If she has reasons to wait, listen. If they're valid, then wait. If she wants to do it, she'll tell you. Then you can start off with simple commands and protocol (maybe have her always greet you online with "Hello, Sir". Simple stuff) and escalate as the relationship progresses.
Going from casual friends to FULL ON TOTAL DOMINATION just doesn't work. Slow it down a lot.
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