RE: 90%??? (Full Version)

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lusciouslips19 -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 6:59:57 PM)

quote:

OK, you laugh...but just read the profiles..how many contain that same sort of breathless prose, that same sense of the instant  bliss, that "I met Him and instantly I just KNEW we would be together 4 ever!!! (smiley smiley)" or "you will meet Me at the Starbucks on Route 34, and fall to your knees when you serve Me the venti skinny decaf latte!!!" There doesn't seem to be any sort of protocol for how you date, and slowly build a relationship between Master and slave. And look at this very message board- so many of the questions are like "So My slave came home the other night and didn't want to suck Me off and in fact, was in a right pissy mood...what should I do?" It seems like the petty and mundane relationship problems that are handled as part of the normal give and take with vanilla couples become staggering, incredibly vexing, and puzzling problems with BDSM relationships. When people go from"hello, nice to meet you" to "I now collar you as My eternal slave" within hours or days, and when your ideal model of relationships is based on cartoon people in erotic stories, it is only surprising that the failure rate is as low as 90%.


I offfended a lovely slave because i said "no offense but you got engaged in 2 months, not just not how I operate". We were talking about accepting a collar if it is just meant for play or you are unclear of the meaning.

I just feel that my BDSM coffee should have a good dose of cream. A Latte relationship. I believe the hard core is great. But I still want the vanilla courtship too.



Level -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 7:00:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tricia

You also have to clarify fail.  My Master has taken me places physically, emotionally and intellectually that no one has ever approached.  He has forever changed me.  If my relationship ends -- i will still be a better person for having had it.  How is that failure?


Well said, tricia.



MissSCD -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 7:01:35 PM)

This is a hard life to follow.  My slave and I have been together for three years. 
What makes it last for us is that we are becoming very close friends, and he is a significant companion during times of trial for me. 
 
Regards, MissSCD


quote:

ORIGINAL: GhostWhoWalks

I've read that 90% of Master/ slave relationships fail.
Why do they fail?
For those of you in the 10% that succeed; to what do you attribute your success? [:)]



BitaTruble -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 7:02:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GhostWhoWalks

I've read that 90% of Master/ slave relationships fail.
Why do they fail?
For those of you in the 10% that succeed; to what do you attribute your success? [:)]


Maturity, compatibility and realistic expectations.

Celeste



AquaticSub -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 7:05:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl

Want proof?? Read profiles.  You'll see things like "we are a couple looking for a 3rd...absolutely no men no men no men...blah"




Damn. If that's what dooms a relationship, I'm fucked.


LOL very doomed!!! but my point was if your just in it for sex...your obviously not in it for bdsm...it will fail.



I'm gonna sing the doom song now!

Doom doom doom doom...



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 7:06:49 PM)

Smoke machines are the way to go...



AquaticSub -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 7:14:15 PM)

I'm telling you, the people want lasers! [:D]

Ok... I'll be good now. Really.



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 7:16:41 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: GhostWhoWalks

I've read that 90% of Master/ slave relationships fail.
Why do they fail?
For those of you in the 10% that succeed; to what do you attribute your success? [:)]

are you citing your stats on traditional monogamous relationships only?  or does that include poly D/s dymanics too?

why does mine with my 2 dominants succeed thus far?  we didn't jump right into the D/s dynamic after meeting.  it slowly grew out friendship, trust and lots of communication.  however like another poster mentioned, why are we so special?

a relationship no matter if it's kink or vanilla takes two (or more) to be committed to it



Lordandmaster -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 7:17:34 PM)

How could they possibly be correct?  Is there an exit survey you're supposed to mail back to White Bear Lake, MN, after your d/s relationship fails?  This is the kind of pseudo-statistic that people think up on the can in order to dress up someone preconceived viewpoint with verbiage likely to be mistaken for fact.  No one knows what percentage of d/s relationships succeed or fail.  No one knows how to count how many there are.  And no one knows how to determine whether they succeed or fail.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sammiebabygirl

I am not sure if those statistics are correct



verysweet -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 7:21:46 PM)

The relationship I am in just passed the 2 year mark.  We have had some tremendous obstacles to overcome, including but not limited to:  3 1/2 hours each way, poly woes, bad marriages, etc.  It's successful, I believe, because we both want it to be--and the trials and tribulations have brought us closer together.  Of course, having other things in common besides kink --I actually look forward to just hanging out with him--doesn't hurt.



tinoketsheli -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 7:22:08 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Actaully, I think the majority of D/s relationships fail because they don't take the time to figure out if they actually like each other. They base the relationship on the fact that they're both into D/s instead of basing the relationship on each other.



Thats a damn good point, mine failed for odd reasons - my Dom became too dominate and I had to take measures to protect myself.



BikerDomRealTime -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 7:32:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GhostWhoWalks

I've read that 90% of Master/ slave relationships fail.
Why do they fail?
For those of you in the 10% that succeed; to what do you attribute your success? [:)]


Perhaps it is because many people that get into an M/s relatioinship do so for the M/s part of it, and do not consider how compatible the individuals interests are.  Like some of the other have said it takes communication on both parts for any relationship to work.



Arrrchibald -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 7:32:55 PM)

Lack of honest communication was the first thing that came to mind. 

Also one parter putting more into the relationship than the other. 

They could just get bored of eachother.  If one partner is obsessed with a certain kink, and the other gets sick of it. 





Daddysredhead -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 7:57:54 PM)

I'm not going to speak to the statistics since I have no idea how that number was derived.  However, I feel that my relationship with Daddy is solid and we are enjoying it.  We have been together for 4 and 1/2 years.  We were nilla friends, nilla lovers, then M/s.  We've done all the normal buddy stuff, hung out, helped each other move, and we fell in love and made a commitment to one another.  We talk about everything, laugh A LOT, debate over topical issues, talk about work, and give each other a tremendous amount of respect.



PonyGroom -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 7:59:19 PM)

I too would love to know the source of that high number.

Also, you really have to define "fail".  No longer collared?  That does not mean failure to me. Transitioning to something else for any of a dozen benign reasons does not constitute failure.

Speaking of transitioning - people change, and sometimes the journey that is an M/s relationship takes one or both to a new place, where they no longer function as they did at one time.  They move on.  I can't see this as failure in and of itself.  Some carry wonderful memories from that time. 

I have been in strong relationships that were for a season, and that season ended, but in the end it was all good.  M/s is another kind of relationship, why should all M/s be considered permanent?





Argentopal -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 7:59:20 PM)

Like others, I wish the OP gave some idea of the source of the 90% statistic.  Also, it would help to know their definition of success.

We have been living together for 28 1/2 years now.  We have been married for 26 years.  We have been 24/7 D/s now for 10 years and 11 months.  Does one of us have to die while in the 24/7 for it to be a "success"?

We truely care for and about one another.  We communicate fairly well.  We understand that real life does indeed trump everything else (like a recent illness made us cancel an eagerly anticipated trip).  You learn to roll with the punches and get back up together.  There is no magic formula for D/s anymore than for marriage or any other long term relationship.
Opal



Noah -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 8:17:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

How could they possibly be correct?  Is there an exit survey you're supposed to mail back to White Bear Lake, MN, after your d/s relationship fails?  This is the kind of pseudo-statistic that people think up on the can in order to dress up someone preconceived viewpoint with verbiage likely to be mistaken for fact.  No one knows what percentage of d/s relationships succeed or fail.  No one knows how to count how many there are.  And no one knows how to determine whether they succeed or fail.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sammiebabygirl

I am not sure if those statistics are correct



quote:

ORIGINAL: tricia

You also have to clarify fail.  My Master has taken me places physically, emotionally and intellectually that no one has ever approached.  He has forever changed me.  If my relationship ends -- i will still be a better person for having had it.  How is that failure?


LAM and tricia have said as much as needs to be said about that 90% failure bullshit.

I think, though, that the OP was just using that silly number as a way to open a conversation about people's impressions of what is key to their good relationships.

Here is a factor which has contributed to several succesful relationships for me:

Recognizing that there is such a thing as TOO MUCH COMMUNICATION. A relationship can be talked to death.

Sometimes the thing to do is live through a problem or challenge. Do this together, with eyes and hearts open. Do this rather than blathering so incessantly about every small and large bump that you end up living one another's narrations and prophecies of your lives rather than being present in the moments together.

John Lennon supposedly said: "Life ie what happens while you're making other plans."

I'd suggest that too often, today is what slips by unappreciated-- almost unexperienced--if you're endlessly digging up and autopsying yesterday, last month and your unresolved issues with you last partner.The same can go for trying to insulate yourself from tomorrow wuth the perfect negotiation, set of rules, or "contract".

Analyse together when you need to. Don't thow that word "need" around casually. For Chrissakes find partner who inspires you with enough trust and faith to just ROLL sometimes, even over the bumpy parts.

All the while be prepared to offer and accept forgiveness when you each, inevitably, fuck up.


It doesn't hurt if there is mutual recognition of how stupid the notion is that the risks in WIITWD are primarily on the S side.








alphaspack -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 8:43:56 PM)

Lets forget the stats, in the end it doesn't matter. Each relationship is a statistically unique event that the probability of success (I'm not even going to touch the definition of success here...) which is infinitely variable and inherently unquantifiable. True statisticians try to quantify life and other events into somewhat discrete (I'm allowing for continuously variable events here by saying somewhat) occurrences, but in the end it only gives us a rough idea of what actually happens in life. All due respect to statisticians but statistics is BSing with numbers.

But the key reason relationships fail is:
quote:

ORIGINAL: sammiebabygirl
...
Lack of communication.
...


With good communication you can solve pretty much all problems. My wife and I have been together seriously for 7 years (married for 6 months) and have never had an argument. Sure we've had our disagreements, but it has never resulted in a 'fight' where we yell scream, hit each other, etc. My wife has always known I've been into BDSM but it was bad communication that has prevented us from moving into a Ds relationship. After I found a way to properly covey my ideas to her (thanks to another friend in the lifestyle) she has accepted my Domination and ownership (I can't say how proud I am of my subbie!). Now that we have an even better understanding of each other (one which I hadn't thought possible) she is progressing amazingly fast in her training and never ceases to amaze me (she amazed me before, but the magnitude of amazement has increased significantly).

Wow that last sentence was kind of dumb... [8D]

quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah
...
Recognizing that there is such a thing as TOO MUCH COMMUNICATION. A relationship can be talked to death.
...


I'm going to have to categorically disagree with the above statement. Saying that there was too much communication indicates that there simply wasn't enough EFFECTIVE communication. I'm saying that good = effective. If the parties involved can't communicate properly then they can't function properly. Without effective communication I wouldn't be where I am with my life today.

Anyway, in the end, we're all doomed!
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
I'm gonna sing the doom song now!

Doom doom doom doom...


HI FLOOR MAKE ME A SAMMICH!



DomMeinCT -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 8:47:26 PM)

<quick reply>

I'd like to know what part of the 90% is online "failure", and what part is real-time, in person.



slavegirljoy -> RE: 90%??? (1/7/2008 9:26:55 PM)

Just because a relationship ends, at some point, doesn't mean that it was a failure.  Every relationship i have had, except for my current relationship, has ended, and i don't see them as failures.  i got something positive from each of them.  Just because a relationship doesn't last 'forever' doesn't mean it wasn't a good relationship or wasn't successful. 
 
The relationship i currently have with my Master is strong and has grown stronger over the past 2 years, in part, because of some major hardships that had to be dealth with by both of Uus working together.  Those hardships could have torn Uus apart but, instead, they helped Uus grow closer.
 
These are the main reasons that i believe my relationship with my Master continues to be successful:
 
1. He and i have remained strongly committed to each other and to maintaining the healthy growth of Oour relationship, no matter what life throws at Uus. 
 
2. He and i have remained true to the principles that were the basis on which Wwe founded this relationship and agreed to, from the very start.
 
3.  He and i have been flexible enough to adapt to changes caused by unforeseen events and changes in Oour needs and desires, as Wwe grow, both individually and as a couple.
 
Edited to add:  Having a good sense of humor has also proved to be extremely helpful.

slave joy
Owned property of Master David



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