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How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 8:52:06 AM

parttimehotty

Posts: 4002
Joined: 11/19/2007
From: Virginville
Status: offline

Having had only 1 long term trainer/1 short term meeting in RL w/a 2nd dom, i've determined that the following info would enable me to determine if the man is a Dom or a dud. Please add to this list as you deem necessary for the newbies...
1) Doesn't demand that you refer to him as Sir, Master, Owner etc. Any form of a title right off the bat should send a cautious red flag.
2) Derogatory terms in the form of humiliation from said dom to said sub right away.
3) Someone who's not willing to answer your questions patiently.
4) Someone who immediately wants to know your hard limits, soft limits, kinky experience, ie anything sexual,
5) Any form of controlling manner initiated right away from said dom to said sub.
6) Someone who doesn't want to meet in RL in a public setting. Immediately wanting a RL session, talking about whip, chains, beatings, belts, bondage, gagging, air play (DANGER)

Please add on................................

< Message edited by parttimehotty -- 1/10/2008 8:53:32 AM >

_____________________________

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Official Mommy of Jolly & Jilly

Nobody is 'dead' until nobody remembers them
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Post #: 1

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 9:04:33 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

The first couple sounded alright...

...then you lost me. Have you been meeting people online too often?

My girl and I enjoy playing at a local dungeon. She's under instructions to refer to dominants as Sir or Maam unless told otherwise by that dominant. If I meet a submissive there who wants to engage in casual play, I'm not going to spend weeks and months 'getting to know her' before I offer to redden her ass. In that situation, I do want to know her limits and experience level. And in all facets of my life, I'm dominant. That means I enjoy having control in relationships. I'm not overt or pushy about it, but neither do I ask permission to be dominant. If they don't enjoy my company, they don't need to hang around.

Seriously, hon, 'True' dominants don't come in any sort of prepackaged form. Guidelines are helpful, but there are few absolutes. Your common sense is one of the most important tools you were born with; use it! For my part, the last two women I've met online, I met one at the airport, but within an hour we were alone on a semi-private beach during the day. The other, I met at night on a nearby beach, that was deserted. Both seemed to survive the event with all of their fingers and toes.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 2

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 9:04:38 AM

RoughFN

Posts: 197
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline

quote:

4) Someone who immediately wants to know your hard limits, soft limits, kinky experience, ie anything sexual,

While I agree with the other items on your list, this one I don't. I mean, be serious. We're all people posting sexual ads on a sexual type site for sexual type activity. Don't feed me the nonsense about how it's really all about the lifestyle and finding the one true one to guide you. At it's core (at least for most people), this is a very very sexual thing.

So I'm not going to fault somebody at all for having the nerve to ask and talk about sex if they're answering an ad on a sex site for sex activities.

If that's all they want to talk about, then sure that'll get boring and clearly demonstrate that they only have a singular agenda. But there's gotta be at least some sex talk and fairly upfront. There's no point in just having vanilla discussions about sports or the weather for 3 months and only when sex is brought up after that point discover that you're incompatible.

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 3

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 9:11:28 AM

parttimehotty

Posts: 4002
Joined: 11/19/2007
From: Virginville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RoughFN

quote:

4) Someone who immediately wants to know your hard limits, soft limits, kinky experience, ie anything sexual,

While I agree with the other items on your list, this one I don't. I mean, be serious. We're all people posting sexual ads on a sexual type site for sexual type activity. Don't feed me the nonsense about how it's really all about the lifestyle and finding the one true one to guide you. At it's core (at least for most people), this is a very very sexual thing.

So I'm not going to fault somebody at all for having the nerve to ask and talk about sex if they're answering an ad on a sex site for sex activities.

If that's all they want to talk about, then sure that'll get boring and clearly demonstrate that they only have a singular agenda. But there's gotta be at least some sex talk and fairly upfront. There's no point in just having vanilla discussions about sports or the weather for 3 months and only when sex is brought up after that point discover that you're incompatible.

Understood, however it was said to me that if someone wants to know right off the bat what you want to do/limits etc that they will conveniently say that what you like is what they like in order to get you into bed. Example: i tell a man i love x, y, z and he'll tell me what a coincidence, that's what he likes too just to get me into bed. Much like a vanilla guy of course. i posted this topic to help myself identify a vanilla w/a kink guy vs a real dom. Yes, sex is a big part for me but i do enjoy serving as well in addtion to the kinky activities, dangerous activities etc and i'd rather have an experienced dom further my training as opposed to a wanna be that heard about bdsm and wants to try it. Someone who's always wanted to try breath play vs one who has experience.

_____________________________

Resident Virgin
Official Mommy of Jolly & Jilly

Nobody is 'dead' until nobody remembers them
http://www.chkittyclub.com/pages/home.html
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=3&ThirdPartyClicks=ThankYouCar

(in reply to RoughFN)

Post #: 4

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 9:15:15 AM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline

I don't think you can include asking about kinky experience, in there I want to know your experience level fairly soon. I don't want to details but in general what level you are at. Knowing what level you are at tells me right off the bat at what level I need to communicate with you, or where I may need to educate, work with you etc. If that makes me not real in someones eye then so be it.

Mike

Now on the lighter side since sometimes I can not resist being a smart ass, how about someone that is unwilling to show you his/her certificate from the International Dom/me Association showing that they have paid the $19.99 to join said association.

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 5

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 9:20:22 AM

charlotte12

Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Your common sense is one of the most important tools you were born with; use it!

You couldn't have said it better Master.

Personally i think that making a list of rules that must apply to everyone you meet can be more harmful than helpful. If you train yourself to judge a person based on a list of 20 guidelines you will not only potentially pass over someone who might have a perfectly valid reason for their behavior but you will also be forgetting to pay attention to your gut feeling. Different actions have different motives with different people. It's up to you to decide if this person makes you comfortable, not if he/she is a "twue" anything according to a list of rules.

charlotte

_____________________________

Stephan's slaveling

"I'm not superior, I'm just more important." Master (Stephann)

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 6

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 9:34:31 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

your list, while fantastic for you, will be utterly useless to someone else. mayhap not everyone else, but some will find it rubbish.

some folks WANT all of the things you listed, it is what they are in this for and to them, it IS real.

this slave posted a personal ad on a BDSM personals site(not this one) seeking a confident, experienced Dom to help her with learning about this lifestyle, not "the One", or an instant relationship.
she didn't seek for her submission to be inspired, she had no idea what a collar of protection or consideration or ownership even meant, much less sub/Dom-space/drop/frenzy and the myriad of other discussion topic labels exclusive to BDSM---but the sexually charged nature of it all was and is a big draw.
this slave fully expected to discuss her proclivities from the start---intermixed with favorite places to get the best SM-style BBQ, etc.
this slave is a very sexual being and did not want to waste the time of a Dom who wasn't.

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 7

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 10:55:33 AM

katie978

Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline

I agree with most of the items in your list, although not so much as ways to distinguish "true" doms, just ways to sort out people who might be better suited to me.

I might clarify #4: "Someone who immediately wants to know your hard limits, soft limits, kinky experience, ie anything sexual" -and wants to know about it in an extremely graphic and personal manner (ie. wanking material) instead of just for information's sake.

And I'd also add a #6: Has forgotten everything about you by the second time you talk.

Now I don't just mean little details like what city you live in or what your favorite flogger is named. I've had many people, who I had talked to just the night before, send me a message, "Who tf are you?". That's real inspiring that they're taking things seriously.

Katie~

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 8

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 11:18:34 AM

backseatbebe

Posts: 195
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RoughFN

quote:

4) Someone who immediately wants to know your hard limits, soft limits, kinky experience, ie anything sexual,

While I agree with the other items on your list, this one I don't. I mean, be serious. We're all people posting sexual ads on a sexual type site for sexual type activity. Don't feed me the nonsense about how it's really all about the lifestyle and finding the one true one to guide you. At it's core (at least for most people), this is a very very sexual thing.

So I'm not going to fault somebody at all for having the nerve to ask and talk about sex if they're answering an ad on a sex site for sex activities.

If that's all they want to talk about, then sure that'll get boring and clearly demonstrate that they only have a singular agenda. But there's gotta be at least some sex talk and fairly upfront. There's no point in just having vanilla discussions about sports or the weather for 3 months and only when sex is brought up after that point discover that you're incompatible.

actually this isnt a sex site
and none of the letters in BDSM stand for sex,
so please dont say "were ALL people posting sexual ads on a sexual type site for a sexual type activity" because i dont need you speaking on my behalf

but to the OP i have to say i agree with most of what you had to say
to me a real Dom has nothing to prove and doesnt need us, we need them
they are happy with who they are enough to know the responsiblity of helping us find who we are will take up a lot of time
so its not about them forcing me to meet, have sex, or trust them just because they are a dominant
a real dom knows there is no need to rush something when we will shortly be begging for it if we learn to trust them

(in reply to RoughFN)

Post #: 9

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 11:21:39 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

real ......fake.....wannabe............when will it ever end?

Jeff

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 10

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 11:22:08 AM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: parttimehotty

Having had only 1 long term trainer/1 short term meeting in RL w/a 2nd dom, i've determined that the following info would enable me to determine if the man is a Dom or a dud. Please add to this list as you deem necessary for the newbies...
1) Doesn't demand that you refer to him as Sir, Master, Owner etc. Any form of a title right off the bat should send a cautious red flag.
2) Derogatory terms in the form of humiliation from said dom to said sub right away.
3) Someone who's not willing to answer your questions patiently.
4) Someone who immediately wants to know your hard limits, soft limits, kinky experience, ie anything sexual,
5) Any form of controlling manner initiated right away from said dom to said sub.
6) Someone who doesn't want to meet in RL in a public setting. Immediately wanting a RL session, talking about whip, chains, beatings, belts, bondage, gagging, air play (DANGER)

Please add on................................

Wow...a lot of those things don't even come into consideration in my filtering process. In fact, a few of them are even welcomed and make little butterflies in my stomach when they've happened.
Different strokes...

< Message edited by Aileen1968 -- 1/10/2008 11:25:41 AM >

_____________________________

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 11

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 11:36:10 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: parttimehotty

Having had only 1 long term trainer/1 short term meeting in RL w/a 2nd dom, i've determined that the following info would enable me to determine if the man is a Dom or a dud. Please add to this list as you deem necessary for the newbies...
1) Doesn't demand that you refer to him as Sir, Master, Owner etc. Any form of a title right off the bat should send a cautious red flag.

I have no problems with Sir - would not send red flags to my head or anywhere else. Master and Owner, though, are relationship specific and while it would not send red flags to me, it would show me that someone was assuming a relationship which wasn't present .. unless they were Gorean, in which case, Master in that world is acceptable. I don't, however, live in that world, so again, just not compatible. Doesn't make someone a wannabe or fake though.

quote:

2) Derogatory terms in the form of humiliation from said dom to said sub right away.

A stranger calling me a slut or something is not going to be welcomed, but it doesn't automatically mean someone is wannabe or fake. It's just what they're into even though it's not what I'm into. No red flag here for me .. just a block button. ;)

quote:

3) Someone who's not willing to answer your questions patiently.

I hate having to pull someone's teeth to get information. Depending on the 'type' of questions which aren't being answered this may or may not be a red flag to me. If I ask for a social security number, I don't blame someone for not giving it out. If I ask if they have a current submissive, are married, have health issues of which I should be aware and they won't answer, that's a good-bye.

quote:

4) Someone who immediately wants to know your hard limits, soft limits, kinky experience, ie anything sexual,

I have no problems with this at all. I'd much rather know up front if we're going to be compatible than waste my time and theirs only to find out 3 months later they have way too many limits (or whatever).

quote:

5) Any form of controlling manner initiated right away from said dom to said sub.

Again, it depends. I rather like a bit of that in a dominant. To each their own, but not a red flag for me at all. Moderation is key for me, but heavy handed might be key for someone else.

quote:

6) Someone who doesn't want to meet in RL in a public setting. Immediately wanting a RL session, talking about whip, chains, beatings, belts, bondage, gagging, air play (DANGER)

Please add on................................

I only meet in RL in public, so yeah, big problem.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 12

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 11:47:44 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

Calls himself a master when no one else will.

_____________________________

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I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 13

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 11:51:46 AM

Yourlil1

Posts: 1
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline

Although this is a very serious topic for all of us female submissives....i would like to add a touch of humor.....by asking you to read my profile which is entitled....
*YOU MIGHT BE A WANNABE IF....................*

Hope you enjoy it....*grins*

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 14

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 3:34:41 PM

sixin

Posts: 9
Joined: 11/9/2006
Status: offline

well....let put My input, also.....whatever everybody said here is true......partti is correct to ask....she just want to know something.......steph answer very well....and all the others also right.....so ,I conclude one thing for you ,partti.... it is a melting pot very large and deep.......but you will find what you are looking for.......the rest is bs.......good luck ....

(in reply to Yourlil1)

Post #: 15

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 4:05:48 PM

johntom571

Posts: 63
Joined: 7/17/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Yourlil1

Although this is a very serious topic for all of us female submissives....i would like to add a touch of humor.....by asking you to read my profile which is entitled....
*YOU MIGHT BE A WANNABE IF....................*

Hope you enjoy it....*grins*

cute profile. here's my take on it:
"you might be a wannabe sub, if you have arrived at a particular definition of a 'real' Dom, and you think anyone who won't live up to it is a wannabe Dom".

To the OP: the problem with self-styled "rules" is that they only reflect your own limited experience and expectations. great to live by, lousy to preach.

JT

(in reply to Yourlil1)

Post #: 16

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 4:47:11 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

My Daddy has taught me that I should never deem someone a "wannabe dom", ever. I am not allowed to ever post to anyone that they are not a dominant person, or question their "realness".. it is just not my place to do that, and my Daddy thinks it is unbecoming of any submissive to do that, especially his own submissive.

So, I would say that no dom is a "wannabe", they are just incompatible for most submissives. I tend to have the same attitude about people who identify as submissive, there are no "wannabe" submissives, just submissives that have not met someone appropriate for them... just my view

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 17

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 5:56:24 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: backseatbebe

quote:

ORIGINAL: RoughFN

quote:

4) Someone who immediately wants to know your hard limits, soft limits, kinky experience, ie anything sexual,

While I agree with the other items on your list, this one I don't. I mean, be serious. We're all people posting sexual ads on a sexual type site for sexual type activity. Don't feed me the nonsense about how it's really all about the lifestyle and finding the one true one to guide you. At it's core (at least for most people), this is a very very sexual thing.

So I'm not going to fault somebody at all for having the nerve to ask and talk about sex if they're answering an ad on a sex site for sex activities.

If that's all they want to talk about, then sure that'll get boring and clearly demonstrate that they only have a singular agenda. But there's gotta be at least some sex talk and fairly upfront. There's no point in just having vanilla discussions about sports or the weather for 3 months and only when sex is brought up after that point discover that you're incompatible.

actually this isnt a sex site
and none of the letters in BDSM stand for sex,
so please dont say "were ALL people posting sexual ads on a sexual type site for a sexual type activity" because i dont need you speaking on my behalf

I will say that for many this site is a sex site, it does deal with human sexuality... and although people define BDSM as different things, some of those components are indeed sexual... part of the definition of sadomasochism is indeed giving or receiving pain for some sort of sexual fulfillment. Now this may not be a sex site for you, and I am not using it as a place to meet sex partners either... but it is not that unusual for someone logging on to a site like this to be viewing it as a sex site, and they would not be completely wrong about that either.

I think that it does get tiring for those of us not looking for sex to put up with those who are looking for it, but at the same time I usually remind myself that many people who use this site are using it for sexual purposes, so it is not that unusual for the clueless to assume I am too.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to backseatbebe)

Post #: 18

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 6:17:03 PM

AnimusRex

Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline

I think the biggest wannabe issue is thinking in terms of Real versus Fake, True versus wannabe...
Dominants and submissives are not true or fake, they are just good or bad people, honorable or crappy.
Why is this more than a petty semantic game?
The biggest "wannabe" flag is always a Dominant who swears He is a "True Dominant"- since no one knows really what that term means, new and gullible women are easily confused and lose their intuitive good sense. According to some, a "True Dominant" is one who can command her to her knees in the parking lot of Starbucks; or one who can master the arcane terminology of BDSM (you can trust Me, little one, I am a hetero Sadist Top, into Shibari, TENS play, high protocol/ low impact service submission, and a past ranking High Master of the Secret Bumfuck Society....}
As Stephann said, your intuitive sense of who is trustworthy and good natured will serve you better than any list.
OP, while you may not have the most experience of anyone in BDSM, you HAVE spent some 30 years dealing with boys and men, and seen all the crappy and honorable behavior that we exhibit- use that experience as your guide.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 19

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/10/2008 6:27:59 PM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

Dear gods below, not another variation on twuism!

He's Fake! I'm Real! She's Playing Games! I don't play games!

Great jumping Hare Krisna and his Tympany Five! Enough already!

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 20

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