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RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/11/2008 10:12:10 AM

Leatherist

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A fake is anyone who refuses to awknowledge your wants as needs.

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RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/11/2008 10:31:47 AM

mylittlesub

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Joined: 6/3/2005
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OP: While several have posted very good suggestions or viewpoints in how to spot 'true' Doms (whatever that means), my suggestion is a different perspective: Since you note your lack of experience (or even bad experiences), I would suggest getting to know yourself and your own interests even as you explore and get to know others. Talk to other submissives, read everything you can, and spend some time exploring your dreams - what it is you enjoy, what it is you are afraid of, why you feel a compulsion to explore your BDSM interests, what drew you to this lifestyle, what you learned from your past experiences, etc etc ad naseum.

By getting to know just who YOU are - you can fully know how and where you might interact well with others. Don't just look at WHAT you enjoy - understand WHY you enjoy it. For instance, do you enjoy anal play because of the pain, the submissive feeling, the physical stimulation? Do you enjoy bondage because of the sense of freedom you feel from being restrained, the fact that choices are taken away from you, the internalizing it pushes you to do? Do you enjoy having your hair pulled simply because you like the pain, because you like the total control, you enjoy the feeling of submissiveness? These are just a few examples of things you can spend as much time as you need thinking about, or even discussing with others.

Also recognize that as you grow as a person and 'relax' into your submissive exploration, you may find that many things you weren't interested in before (or were too afraid to try) may become intriguing with time or a trusted Dominant. Don't be afraid to change what you're interested in, any more than you should not be afraid to know who you are.

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RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/11/2008 10:43:31 AM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: parttimehotty

Having had only 1 long term trainer/1 short term meeting in RL w/a 2nd dom, i've determined that the following info would enable me to determine if the man is a Dom or a dud. Please add to this list as you deem necessary for the newbies...
1) Doesn't demand that you refer to him as Sir, Master, Owner etc. Any form of a title right off the bat should send a cautious red flag.
2) Derogatory terms in the form of humiliation from said dom to said sub right away.
3) Someone who's not willing to answer your questions patiently.
4) Someone who immediately wants to know your hard limits, soft limits, kinky experience, ie anything sexual,
5) Any form of controlling manner initiated right away from said dom to said sub.
6) Someone who doesn't want to meet in RL in a public setting. Immediately wanting a RL session, talking about whip, chains, beatings, belts, bondage, gagging, air play (DANGER)

"Any form of a title right off the bat should send a cautious red flag." X— (I expected a polite Sir always, right from the start).
"Derogatory terms/humiliation from said dom to said sub right away." X — This is a matter of preference and interpretation.
"Someone who's not willing to answer your questions patiently." √ — Assuming the questions or the people asking aren't annoying.
"Someone who immediately wants to know your hard limits/kinky experience..." X — Suspect? Perhaps. Simple conversation? Perhaps.
"Any form of controlling manner initiated right away from said dom to said sub." X — I was Public Enemy #1, apparently.
"Someone who doesn't want to meet in RL in a public setting." √ — Ah yes, reality is preferred (for me, at least).
"Immediately wanting a RL session..." √ — Agreed. People who used the word "session" were usually off my list, anyway.

< Message edited by amayos -- 1/11/2008 11:10:06 AM >

(in reply to parttimehotty)

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RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/11/2008 11:48:06 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: parttimehotty

Having had only 1 long term trainer/1 short term meeting in RL w/a 2nd dom, i've determined that the following info would enable me to determine if the man is a Dom or a dud. Please add to this list as you deem necessary for the newbies...
1) Doesn't demand that you refer to him as Sir, Master, Owner etc. Any form of a title right off the bat should send a cautious red flag.
2) Derogatory terms in the form of humiliation from said dom to said sub right away.
3) Someone who's not willing to answer your questions patiently.
4) Someone who immediately wants to know your hard limits, soft limits, kinky experience, ie anything sexual,
5) Any form of controlling manner initiated right away from said dom to said sub.
6) Someone who doesn't want to meet in RL in a public setting. Immediately wanting a RL session, talking about whip, chains, beatings, belts, bondage, gagging, air play (DANGER)

Please add on................................

These lists can be helpful guidelines for those who choose to follow them, but it is incorrect to assume anyone who falls into any of the above categories constitutes a "fake." Had I relied on such a list, and had I heeded the advice given to me by others, I would not be living the amazing experience I now find myself in.

1. I called him Sir from the start.

2. He referred to me in a way that established my position of subordination to him.

3. Most questions he answered quite patiently. Repeated, nagging, and inappropriate questions, he did not.

4. How best to know where I was on my path...where I wanted to go...where I was afraid to go. It is interesting to me, that people will fill these things out on their profile, yet if someone brings them up to them for discussion, it is a red flag.

5. I loved his controlling manner. That's his personality and I was hooked from the start.

6. I met him naked, kneeling on the floor beside the bed.

Situations are circumstantial. Rules to live by are not so black and white. It is good to be smart about things, but it is unfair to place a "wannabe" label on someone who lives by a set of rules other than your own.

(in reply to parttimehotty)

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RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/11/2008 4:35:06 PM

IrishMist

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Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that makes too much sense

Jeffwey

Now Jeff...hush...there is no reason to become upset.

You are still holder of the master list

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RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/11/2008 4:53:58 PM

tigerstyle

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Joined: 5/25/2005
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As far as I'm concerned, wanting to be a dom makes you a dom. It doesn't make you a good dom, and it doesn't make you not a tool if you have tool tendencies.

I'm more interested in the roots of the obsessive concern with fakes. I can't quite put my finger on it, but part of it is some kind of "my dad can beat up your dad" thing.

(in reply to IrishMist)

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Post #: 46

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/11/2008 5:01:05 PM

Evility

Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
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Wannabe Schmannabe. Another meaningless term like "player" that is thrown around to rag someone who doesn't see things your way. If people would spend half the time they soend moaning about the ones that didn't suit them and devote that effort to meeting new people there would be far fewer unpartnered souls in our ranks.

Oy fucking vey already.

(in reply to parttimehotty)

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Post #: 47

RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/12/2008 9:09:28 PM

cloudboy

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How did you make those X's and checkmarks?

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RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/12/2008 9:20:50 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
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quote:

ORIGINAL: charlotte12

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Your common sense is one of the most important tools you were born with; use it!

You couldn't have said it better Master.

Personally i think that making a list of rules that must apply to everyone you meet can be more harmful than helpful. If you train yourself to judge a person based on a list of 20 guidelines you will not only potentially pass over someone who might have a perfectly valid reason for their behavior but you will also be forgetting to pay attention to your gut feeling. Different actions have different motives with different people. It's up to you to decide if this person makes you comfortable, not if he/she is a "twue" anything according to a list of rules.

charlotte

Charlotte, great new pic and I agree how we feel about the person is much more important than any list of red flags.

I think people that are pushy upfront can be a huge turn off, but I don't think they're necessarily "untrue", just not the right type of person for me.

Additionally, while I know many say don't talk about sex for x period of time. I do and I don't care if someone else does within limits. There are some fetishes and activities out there that I have no interest in doing ever, if it's at the top of their list, I want to know that sooner rather than later. Also as I'm a switch I want to address that sticky issue as soon as possible as well becuase there are many misconceptions out there about the role.

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RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/13/2008 3:17:13 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: parttimehotty

Having had only 1 long term trainer/1 short term meeting in RL w/a 2nd dom, i've determined that the following info would enable me to determine if the man is a Dom or a dud.

Apparently this works for Doms..

Amazing to think that with Dommes it doesn't work that way at all, grinz.

How can you judge all people? As if We're all the same?
As if it only could be that simple girly.

They don't wear an X on their forheads you know.

So I wouldn't state it at all like you do.
It doesn't say anything.

Use your common sense, and your instinct.
It's not about they say or not say...

Actions speak louder then words,
take your time in getting to know someone.
Don't say yes too quick..
and Don't let yaself being presured into anything..
If that's not being apriciated, you will know enough.

It takes all sorts to make the world go round.

Goodluck in staying safe.

GoddezzT`

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RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/13/2008 10:51:10 AM

Kitte9

Posts: 411
Joined: 11/26/2006
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quote:

Understood, however it was said to me that if someone wants to know right off the bat what you want to do/limits etc that they will conveniently say that what you like is what they like in order to get you into bed. Example: i tell a man i love x, y, z and he'll tell me what a coincidence, that's what he likes too just to get me into bed. Much like a vanilla guy of course. i posted this topic to help myself identify a vanilla w/a kink guy vs a real dom. Yes, sex is a big part for me but i do enjoy serving as well in addtion to the kinky activities, dangerous activities etc and i'd rather have an experienced dom further my training as opposed to a wanna be that heard about bdsm and wants to try it. Someone who's always wanted to try breath play vs one who has experience.

I think this can also be a way to determine if you have enough in commor for any type of relationship to begin. If your desires are drastically different, then you may be wasting a lot of time and energy better spent on finding someone more suitable.

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RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/13/2008 11:25:29 AM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

How did you make those X's and checkmarks?

If I told you I'd have to kill you.

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RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/16/2008 9:38:08 AM

Matadorr

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Joined: 8/29/2007
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Self power, self assurity, confidence, understanding and having skills with women, being a fun cool guy, not taking urself too seriously, being assertive, creative, demanding, deep, compatible, experienced. There are many attrivutes that make one dom better than another, and it even varies between indivduals and their wants/needs, but no dom is a 'fake' or wannabe, he just lacks the skills or self development to be good at what he is interested in. Giv him a break, im sure he doesnt get laid anyways.

< Message edited by Matadorr -- 1/16/2008 9:39:32 AM >

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RE: How to determine a REAL Dom vs a wanna be - 1/16/2008 11:27:31 AM

SimplyMichael

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I have had sex with submissives before they have even seen my face and in general have sex with them at first meeting.

I won't meet with anyone who has a trainer/mentor/guardian as they tend to be attention whores and drama queens.

I won't meet with anyone who mentions fakes/wannabees or who uses the word newbies.

Same goes for flowery language, fancy fonts and or too much pink.

Another hard limit is doesn't wax their cunt or wears underwear.

Lastly, who wants to "get to know me" slowly and talks too fucking much. If I don't' make your cunt wet, don't bother me, I already have good friends and don't need another pen pal.

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