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RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 4:51:23 PM

christine1

Posts: 6155
Joined: 12/15/2007
From: i'm headed to HIM...
Status: offline

well, on one hand, at least the cheaters are being honest about being married, although i know many of them aren't and i've been on the receiving end of that kind of lie. and no..i would never serve a dominant that was married. there are those out there where this isn't an issue and actually seek out married partners and that is fine for them, but it doesn't and won't ever work for me. i don't understand the "hidden life" that some people lead and that's okay with me, i don't want to understand it.

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(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 61

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 4:53:38 PM

Evility

Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx
But now, to get back to my original question, which I may not have worded very well; Is anyone else insulted when others come here and assume that we will condone any type of behavior even when it is destructive, and goes against the usual dynamic of trust and communication, just because we're 'kinky'?

I'm no more insulted by that than I am by folks who toss the word we around like we all signed some contract and agree on everything.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 62

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 5:07:18 PM

RoughFN

Posts: 197
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline

See, since I'm married I actually prefer to hook up with people that are otherwise attached, assuming they're in an open relationship, too. The reason is that I can't dedicate 100% of my time to a slave, due to my marriage. So even if I dedicate 50% of my time to her, she'd lose out. I get 50/50 wife/slave, and she'd get 50/50 me/nothing. Not fair and jealousy would probably result.

Now, I won't do it with anybody not in an open marriage. I won't support or encourage anybody sneaking around or cheating on their spouses. I mean, go ahead and do it if you have to, but I'm not going to be involved with it. I've met my SO's SO's at least a few times just so we can sound each other out. I want to make sure that they're on the level and demonstrate that I am as well.

These people posting about "openly cheating" are just being silly. An open relationship isn't cheating at all (at least mine isn't), and I'd be insulted if you accused me of cheating. The difference is that my wife and I just set different rules for what works for us. So as long as we play by those rules, we're not cheating. Sure, sure, according to a traditional marriage we are, but so what? We play by my own set of rules and it works for us. You can't cheat if you're not breaking your rules. It'd be very difficult for me to cheat on my wife, basically I'd have to go off and bone somebody and never say anything to her about it, and what's the point in my doing that?

So why get married at all? Well, I do love her. I'm not intending to leave her any time soon. I am happy with her. Yeah, yeah, sexually we're not compatible, but that's not going to be enough for the marriage to fall apart. If people can argue that relationships based solely on bdsm won't work because they're just sexual with nothing else in common and that's not enough to found a relationship, then I'll counter that problems on that front are not enough for a relationship to fall apart.

I'm quite happy. AFAIK, everyone I'm involved with is happy too.

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 63

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 5:15:58 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Hmmm....I think 'cheating' is giving attention, affection and energy to someone other than to the one who believes you only give that to them.
Cheating can also be having sex with someone outside of your relationship without your so knowing.

That said; I wanted to comment on the question of who to 'blame'...It seems to me that so many people who find out their so has another they don't know about, blame the new person. Eventually, they forgive the so, but always condemn the other. Seems to me that it was the so that betrayed and broke the trust. The other person just helped to facilitate it.

But now, to get back to my original question, which I may not have worded very well; Is anyone else insulted when others come here and assume that we will condone any type of behavior even when it is destructive, and goes against the usual dynamic of trust and communication, just because we're 'kinky'?

~ Christina

I'm an un pc, intolerant bastard. When I see someone doing something easily seen as objectionable-I object.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 64

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 5:20:43 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

FN;

Even though I already said it; just to be clear, I agree. An open relationship is NOT cheating. (imo)

And Evil; there is no way for me to discuss this community without using the word 'we' once in a while. Most here (from what they say) rely on trust, because this can be a dangerous road. I apologize if I insulted you. It was not my intention to do so. I suppose in a community this large, almost any time someone expresses an opinion, another might feel slighted. This was just an issue I have been dealing with a lot lately and wondered if others felt the same, or could contribute to my understanding of the matter.

~Christina

(in reply to RoughFN)

Post #: 65

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 5:26:25 PM

agoodgirl4Daddy

Posts: 336
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

i'm neither a hyporcite or contradicting myself - remember you're the who is confused that cannot figure out i have 2 separate relationships with 2 separate Dominants which is neither poly or otherwise.

i'm not cheating on either dominant and never will. neither dominant has never or ever will co-dominate together.

like i said - i cannot get any plainer and simplier than that for you.

my question to you is again - where does your so-called confusion lay? again i request that you address it offline which you have blatantly refuse - otherwise move along and get over it.

I imagine the confusion lies in simply trying to understand your judgemental and contradictory posts where you make blanket statements with no regards to how possibly things might not add up in your black and white view.

However, I am curious. What exactly constitutes "sex" and "cheating" in your view?

Vaginal penetration?
Anal penetration?
Oral sex?
Penetration with a dildo?
A hand job?
A pair of nipple clamps?
Hot wax?
A spanking?
A massage that might have some erotic tones?
Kissing?
Hugging?
Touching?

Where is the line drawn that somehow makes your intimacy you share with your two partners "okay" and everyone elses "not okay"?

I would love to hear all about it.

cheating to me (as raised in the solid religious background all my life) is what i highlighted. i was raised to believe that marriage is between 2 people - not 3 or more. doing any or all of those activities highlighted with another person NOT your spouse - it's cheating. and before i get flamed again about my relationships concerning this - i'm neither married to Daddy ...just His daughter SOLELY ...nothing more or less. i shall ONLY be married my SO in which i shall ONLY cleave unto him and NO OTHER - meaning Daddy shall remain as a Father-figure in my life.

"cheat
so..you don't kiss your Daddy? you don't let him read you bedtime stories while he fingers you? you don't let him play with your boobies while you sit on his growing cock? you don't have an "emotional" relationship with him that is inherently intimate?

if any or all of the above are present....you have 2 relationships ..one with this Daddy person and one with your fiance. one may not include vaginal/penile penetration....but it's still a "RELATIONSHIP". And, if it's a RELATIONSHIP...you do indeed have two of 'em.......and according to your own definition...it's "cheating".

i think THIS is what is being said..if not, excuse me for speaking out of turn!

_____________________________

~We do not see things as they are - we see them as we are.~ Anais Nin

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 66

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 5:41:32 PM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

*sighs*

you're not excused for speaking out of term and turn

one last time for those who are poorly confused.

2 unique separate relationships in which BOTH are very comfortable in having with me. NO i'm not cheating since Daddy's cool (and was the one who encouraged that i have a separate relationship outside ours) that i have found another dominant. it was His end goal for me. on the flipside, SO is absolutely keen that i have a father-figure in my life who's WAY better than my real father.

so do i sit on Daddy's lap? - NO

do i suck Daddy's cock - NO

do i get spanked - NO

does He tuck me in and read me bedtime stories - NO

does He etc etc etc - NO

WE have and always will have an online relationship solely until death do us part!

am i cheating on my fiance - NO and you can verbally ask him if you want - message me if you want to ask yourself

am i cheating on Daddy - NO

your assumptions and opinions if you think i am

_____________________________

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(in reply to agoodgirl4Daddy)

Post #: 67

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 5:41:38 PM

weneedyourhelp

Posts: 118
Joined: 12/16/2007
Status: offline

To me cheating is cheating as long as one party is doing something behind the others back, period. I have my own thoughts on cheating, because if not for cheating I would not be sitting here writing this post. My wife has been dealing with the fact that something was missing from our sexlife and her ability to fully enjoy sex at all. Through reading and research she discovered it was a need to be submissive. That knowledge scared the shit out of her, she didn't know how to tell me. Thinking I would think of her as a freak or something she kept it from me, and eventually it led her to this site. Being here only to learn in the beginning it didn't take long for things to go beyond anything ever intended. Basically I caught her "red handed" online that is, and it almost cost us a 12 year relationship. As she now knows she could have come to me with anything at anytime. But speaking from this side of the fence, it hurt more than anyone will ever know, and we are still dealing with the reprocussions of those actions every day, and will probably continue to do so until that trust can be fully restored. I give her the most credit she is working very hard to regain that trust. But cheating is cheating, and it can hurt everyone involved. Just my opinion...

Cougar

< Message edited by weneedyourhelp -- 1/10/2008 5:43:58 PM >

_____________________________

" You become responsible forever for what you have tamed." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Man is still man, and even frozen in a block of ice, our singular purpose is still to get a nut.

(in reply to agoodgirl4Daddy)

Post #: 68

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 5:55:30 PM

Griswold

Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

On this site, and another site I frequent, I have seen an alarming trend; people (usually new) in the lifestyle, talking about cheating on their spouse, so, dom, domme, sub, whathaveyou. (please don't tell me what you have...*lol*)
When others in the community (usually long-time bdsm'ers) try to explain to them that the heart of our lifestyle relies on trust above all other things, the cheaters don't want to hear about it.
They say things like "I thought this was a community of open-minded people" "In a community of kinksters, you should realize that not everyone can be open with their relationships" "This is a community founded on deviant sex practices. I'm not here to be judged."
What are the implications of practicing D/s in a less than honest manner?

Sweety...a cheater is a cheater...they ain't Dom...they ain't Domme...they ain't sub....

(They're just cheaters hon....das wut dey be....cheaters).

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 69

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 6:00:34 PM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist
Replace goodness and empathy with self-service and a willful refusal to do the right thing (but rationalize why doing evil is proper)-and you have the sort of hedonist of which *I* speak in this thread.

They are not good people-they are users.

Which is why I take umbrage at the use of the term hedonist. Stoics may look down on hedonism as a philosophy, but only a philistine - or a cretin - would be so blind as to lump the group of whom you speak in with the cyrenaic school in proper.

::Sigh:: Sic hoc legere scis nimium eruditiones habes, or something to that effect.

< Message edited by Suleiman -- 1/10/2008 6:01:19 PM >

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 70

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 6:20:02 PM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

i know i'm going to get flamed for this - but why in hell stay married if you're openly cheating on your spouse? i know the old saying "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" yet to me, no matter if you have an open marriage and understanding spouse - cheating is still cheating.

Ahem.

I don't know about anyone else, but I think I can answer this one in regards to my own marriage.

I swore an oath. You know the one - "For richer/for poorer/in sickness/in health/as long as we both shall live". We agreed to skip the part about forsaking all others.

My wife is the person I am going to live out my days with. She is the person by whose side I will remain. She is my partner, m lover, my companion, and my friend. She is the rock upon which the foundation of my world is built.

She also likes to seduce nice young men. I accept that about her. It's not a deal-breaker. Usually, she wants to include me in the action. I have different criteria regarding whom I sleep with than she does. She accepts this about me. It's not a deal-breaker. I like to beat people black and blue. She does not like being beaten black and blue. I accept this about her. It's not a deal breaker.

I trust my wife explicitly. I share everything with her. She is my heart, my soul, and my life. That is a partnership. That is a marriage. Our relationship is strong. Our egos are not fragile. I am not afraid of being left for another. I will not leave her for another. Where there is no fear, where there are no secrets being kept, where there are no lies being told, then little things just fade away.

My wife and I have been effectively monogamous for years now. Not because it is part of our oath. Not because we are contractually or societally obligated. We are monogamous because we don't want to be with anybody else.

There is no other reason for getting married.

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 71

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 6:35:50 PM

weneedyourhelp

Posts: 118
Joined: 12/16/2007
Status: offline

BDSM, D/s, vanilla, dressing up as little bo peep and her sheep, does the type of relationship really matter? Should it? NO! Open,un-open, these do not matter either, nor should they. Cheating is cheating, thats it in a nutshell.

Cougar

_____________________________

" You become responsible forever for what you have tamed." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Man is still man, and even frozen in a block of ice, our singular purpose is still to get a nut.

(in reply to Suleiman)

Post #: 72

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 6:38:57 PM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Though cheating is defined under specific circumstances.

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That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

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(in reply to weneedyourhelp)

Post #: 73

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 6:43:08 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

FR

If you spend a decade in a marriage with someone you love on a non-sexual level, I would imagine it would be a little hard to just suddenly leave them when you discover the missing part of your soul is beating spanked in latex by a Domme in fuzzy bunny slippers.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to beargonewild)

Post #: 74

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 6:44:34 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

*sighs*

you're not excused for speaking out of term and turn

one last time for those who are poorly confused.

2 unique separate relationships in which BOTH are very comfortable in having with me. NO i'm not cheating since Daddy's cool (and was the one who encouraged that i have a separate relationship outside ours) that i have found another dominant. it was His end goal for me. on the flipside, SO is absolutely keen that i have a father-figure in my life who's WAY better than my real father.

so do i sit on Daddy's lap? - NO

do i suck Daddy's cock - NO

do i get spanked - NO

does He tuck me in and read me bedtime stories - NO

does He etc etc etc - NO

WE have and always will have an online relationship solely until death do us part!

am i cheating on my fiance - NO and you can verbally ask him if you want - message me if you want to ask yourself

am i cheating on Daddy - NO

your assumptions and opinions if you think i am

I think many of us have a hard time conceptualizing these two separate relationships as being D/s relationships. If I had someone that I saw as a father figure, or mentor, I would not consider it D/s. D/s to me has power exchange connotations. You have made it pretty clear that you retain all of the power in your life to do exactly as you please whenever you please... so it is hard for some of us to understand what you mean.

I am not saying that both of your relationships are not D/s, if they are in your mind, well that is how you see them. I am saying that the reason that some people may have trouble understanding what you are talking about is that there really is nothing else like it around. At least I have not read anyone that has a completely platonic relationship with someone that was never ever in any way sexual, over the internet, that they are only paternal feelings there... yet they are submissive to someone that they are engaged to, and talk about being submissive to both of these people.

The way you feel is valid of course, your relationships are as valid as you feel they are... just some people have trouble understanding it when they have not come across anything like it.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 75

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 6:49:47 PM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

Therein lies the rub, Bear. There seems to be as many definitions around here of what constitutes cheating as there are definitions of what constitutes a sub. The folks who keep going around in circles chanting "Cheating is cheating" (rather reminiscent of the sheep in Animal Farm bleating "Four Legs Good Two Legs Bad" because they were too dim to understand the simple rules painted on the barn wall by snowball) appear to have a very fixed definition of the concept, and for the most part appear to be incapable of fully articulating their argument. Then again, this appears to be the two sides of several arguments I've stuck my nose into recently.

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to beargonewild)

Post #: 76

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 6:54:13 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

Bah, BDSM is BDSM! Cows are cows! Lions are lions! I win the discussion with my superior brilliance!

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Suleiman)

Post #: 77

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 6:55:18 PM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

*sigh* for sure Suleiman. Yet it appears the general concensus on a cheater is one who plays around on their S/O without full knowledge. Yet it seems that a recurring theme is the fact that the circumstances surrounding the reason for cheating isn't being taken into consideration. Hopefully I am wrong on this.

_____________________________

Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

10 NZ points
Whips~n~Cuffs

(in reply to Suleiman)

Post #: 78

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 6:55:44 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: weneedyourhelp

BDSM, D/s, vanilla, dressing up as little bo peep and her sheep, does the type of relationship really matter? Should it? NO! Open,un-open, these do not matter either, nor should they. Cheating is cheating, thats it in a nutshell.

Cougar

Is stealing still stealing if I allow you to take it?

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to weneedyourhelp)

Post #: 79

RE: Cheating, Lying Kinksters - 1/10/2008 7:02:30 PM

weneedyourhelp

Posts: 118
Joined: 12/16/2007
Status: offline

I believe that I stated that my opinion of cheating is doing ANYTHING behind ANYONE'S back you are in a relationship with, where's the need for articulation? Is it because you can string all those big words into almost coherent and perceptional thoughts and ideas, that we should take your word as gospel? I simply stated my opinion, a fact that I didn't think needed to be defended. And in my opinion,cheating is just that, cheating, and it's wrong.

Cougar

_____________________________

" You become responsible forever for what you have tamed." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Man is still man, and even frozen in a block of ice, our singular purpose is still to get a nut.

(in reply to Suleiman)

Post #: 80

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