RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle

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burningdesires47 -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 8:10:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark Not fuck up, but you assumed more than asking. If the question had been Overly romantizing BDSM - that would have made more sense to me, and I would have more enthusiasm to respond. But to make the assumption that there is a community or a lifestyle is ridiculous in my opinion. snip No one calls bungie jumpers a community. Or a lifestyle of cooks. I live life - BDSM is a part of it, but I am not religiously devoted to it, nor do I have a need to belong to it. Cooks may not be considered a lifestyle, but if we spent less time in the kitchen and more time on the computers, you can bet the professional and amateur cooking community would be more prevalent--because like it or not, it's there. Similarly, people who bungie jump on a regular basis DO indeed have a community. But neither of those things have the ability to permeate every day, every human interaction, or (aside from the need to cook and how one does so) the daily activities in one's household. Actually, now that I've said that, I'd have to say my interest in cooking is a lot more prevalent in my daily life than than my interest in BDSM, and takes as much skill and effort. And someone who had the ability and interest could realistically bungie jump a whole lot more than people practice BDSM, so really, those two examples and most others you could possibly come up with don't apply. Now, it may sound silly to talk of a cooking community, but a "foodie" lifestyle I have indeed heard of, and yearn to practice one day. It may sound silly to talk of a bungie jumping lifestyle, but to be sure, there is a community for those who are interested in it. Just because it's not something you are interested in participating in doesn't mean it doesn't exist, nor does it mean it's not something others are interested in. BTW, if you don't believe there is a BDSM community, perhaps you should stop participating in it? cuz here it is, right in front of us, these forums, the chat groups, the email lists, the websites... I bet you even go to events, or have at least heard of them. People without a community don't have events to go to together.

Dnomyar -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 8:33:56 AM)
Julia I ment by the way people are labeled who are not into the lifestyle. Most of us have to work and pay the bills outside of our play life.

RCdc -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 8:55:03 AM)
quote: BTW, if you don't believe there is a BDSM community, perhaps you should stop participating in it? cuz here it is, right in front of us, these forums, the chat groups, the email lists, the websites... I bet you even go to events, or have at least heard of them. People without a community don't have events to go to together. Tough shit huh, ya can't get rid of me that easily.[;)] Ah.... now see this is where I see the distinction. I do not participate in a 'online community' or a 'Bdsm one'. However, If I attend and participate here, I am participating with the CM Community. There are 'leaders'. There are set 'rules'. If I attend a munch - I follow the rules or I leave - same goes for a club, fetish fair or wherever... when I am there with them I am part of THAT community. But if I do not agree with the rules, and consent to them then I don;t belong with them - simple as that. But I do NOT believe that there is a big old, link-those-arms BDSM community - I do believe there are lots of little communities within it - from those that have two participants to big old rubber groups. Give me the set of rules of what BDSM is - and I will happily say - sure thats a lifestyle or community. Show me the law makers and the leaders and the heads of state of BDSM, and I will go - yup - there it is. There are people you might aspire to and admire - but there are no leaders - except when you attend a party or munch or website like this. Then the DMs or the webmasters lead that specific community and rules. Anything else is just an acronym. I challenge you to tell me who is the 'leaders' who make the rules and define them. the.dark.

juliaoceania -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 9:03:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Dnomyar Julia I ment by the way people are labeled who are not into the lifestyle. Most of us have to work and pay the bills outside of our play life. For some of us the mindset is there even when we are not playing. It is not always sexual either. In fact the more time goes on the less it is about sex for us, and just his exerting control over aspects of my life... which require I think about his dominance at certain times throughout the day. I do not like the term "vanilla" anyways. I do not feel I belong to a lifestyle. I think that I craved the sort of relationship I know enjoy before I knew it could exist. I also know that in this society it is outside of the "norm". People have picked up on what we share in small ways in the last few months, and questioned it. Once at his Christmas party I got a basket of chocolate in the gift exchange. He told me to open it up and share it, so I was giving it away to everyone, and since I cannot have any without his permission, I looked at him and he said under his breath "you can have some". One of his coworkers asked in an incredulous voice "You have to get permission from him to eat chocolate? OMG!"... I did not know what to say. Yes, we are different from most other people. Sometimes I forget that until something happens to show me how different we are.

KatyLied -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 9:06:16 AM)
I also feel that I do not belong to a lifestyle. My life as many components, D/s and bdsm are some components of that life. But it's not my life in its entirety. Maybe I'm not hardcore, perhaps I'm sub-lite. As long as it works in the type of relationship that I'm interested in it doesn't really bother me.

Stephann -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 9:06:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cherrypez I've heard this term thrown out there from time to time, and most D/s relationship are bound to have romance so what does this term 'overly romantized' mean? First to me, it sort of means believing that a D/s relationship is superior to all other relationships. In my case, yes my D/s relationship is far superior to any other relationship that I have ever had, but I don't think it's the flavor of the relationship that makes it so great. I believe age, maturity, life experience and building the solid foundation ahead of time has made it so great. Secondly to me, it means believing in the 'nearly' impossible. Sometimes, there is almost a influx of believing that because one is dominant he is without flaws, never angered, never sick, always a gentleman, independantly wealthy, possessing great strength, incredibly handsome and buffed... but there is also a similar not too often noticed an expectation of a submissive being in the same pefect mold. She must be sweet, loving, never bitter, never angry, god forbid if she has PMS, she must have exceptional cooking skills, must be able to manage a household and keep it ship shape at all times sometimes with a handful of um's (who by the way never interrupt scenes and are never around when she is kneeling naked when Master comes in at the end of the day), she must be incredibly sexy, never have a bad hair day, not be a doormat yet expected to Yes Sir every demand without exception....(I could go on forever) Lastly, I believe that it's the failure to take off the rose colored glasses and really look at it for what it really is for you. Now I suppose I could post something intimate about my lifestyle and another might believe that I am really not seeing things as reality, that happens. Sometimes, some really incredible unbelievable things truly exsist in a person's life. However other times, and we see it happen repeatedly, that someone will come on the boards stating they have found the 'one', life is grand, it's going to last forever and no love could be no greater, then the relationship either ends and they never seen it coming or even worse it goes 24/7 and reality hits them so hard that they are lost and confused and not sure how to get that magic back. So my question to everyone is what are your thoughts on the subject. Do you even think it is overly romantized? Do you even care? Why or why not? Hi cherry, I think it's over romanticized in real life. I think people who invest a great deal of time online, especially in chat (and in message boards to a somewhat lesser extent) are more prone to over romanticizing. I don't think this is (entirely) because the person is actually over doing anything; we tend to write about things we're passionate about, and many people are passionate about their relationships and love. It seems only natural that they should write in glowing terms of their relationships. As for as BDSM goes, people who are new to such relationships often experience a sense of excitement in discovering that they are not alone in their interests and tastes, and feel a weight lifted from their shoulders. This seems (to me) to be on par with a gay man coming out of the closet and embracing the fact that they are happy when they're with men, and miserable when they try to be with women. Self discovery, in any form, is exciting. Yes, there are ideals for both dominants and submissives but these ideals aren't too distinct from ideals for men and women in the 'vanilla' world. I know my ideal isn't going to be exactly the same as others, but I think many of the things I want in a 'perfect partner' are going to be very similar to what many other men would list. I do agree, there's a risk involved with putting anyone on a pedestal. I don't think this is BDSM lifestyle specific. Also, feel free to read my hijack of Lifestylers vs Non-Lifestylers Here. Regards, Stephan

Jeffff -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 9:12:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied I also feel that I do not belong to a lifestyle. My life as many components, D/s and bdsm are some components of that life. But it's not my life in its entirety. Maybe I'm not hardcore, perhaps I'm sub-lite. As long as it works in the type of relationship that I'm interested in it doesn't really bother me. Tastes great.....less filling Jeffwey

TreasureKY -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 9:42:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cherrypez ...Sometimes, there is almost a influx of believing that because one is dominant he is without flaws, never angered, never sick, always a gentleman, independantly wealthy, possessing great strength, incredibly handsome and buffed... but there is also a similar not too often noticed an expectation of a submissive being in the same pefect mold. She must be sweet, loving, never bitter, never angry, god forbid if she has PMS, she must have exceptional cooking skills, must be able to manage a household and keep it ship shape at all times sometimes with a handful of um's (who by the way never interrupt scenes and are never around when she is kneeling naked when Master comes in at the end of the day), she must be incredibly sexy, never have a bad hair day, not be a doormat yet expected to Yes Sir every demand without exception....(I could go on forever)... Wait a second! You're describing FirmhandKy and I... do you mean that we aren't realistic? [;)]

OsideGirl -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 9:48:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetnurseBBW I think due to misinformation and ignorance some may have unreal expectations going in. This is it in a nutshell. Some submissives think they'll be "claimed" and live happily ever after. They somehow think that the things that happen in vanilla life won't happen in BDSM D/s.

KatyLied -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 9:49:49 AM)
quote: Some submissives think they'll be "claimed" and live happily ever after. I blame the rainbows and unicorns.

agoodgirl4Daddy -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 9:57:44 AM)
Though it appears that i have been playing the "lifestyle card" in some of my posts, i stand by all of the posts i've made. No, i don't think the people involved in BDSM (in all of its many facets) are any different from any other congregate or "type" of homo sapien on this great big earth. It would be nice if that were the case, but i'm not that naive. there are, however, qualities that i think are paramount for any relationship (BDSM or otherwise) to be successful. some of those qualities are stressed in the BDSM real time communities/groups of which i've been a part. no, i don't think that these qualities are only good for BDSM participants - they are good for all people, everywhere, in all types of relationships (work, social, initimate, family, etc.). just three of them: Communication: from negotiations to safewords to aftercare/processing a scene, the ability to communicate effectively is as important in BDSM as it is in any other situation. Honesty: being able to communicate with one's partner without lying, deceiving, or covering things up - would a D type really want her or his s type to continue to agree to something the s type didn't like .. just to please the D type? Integrity: interacting with others in a sincere, honorable, and straightforward manner. an s type may want his or her D type to have integrity as it relates to the D types assertion that he or she is proficient with the singletail. who wants to lose an ear? No, those qualities are NOT only good for BDSM participants, but i believe that they are crucial in a relationship - whether it's a BDSM play relationship or if it's a work relationship. i don't see that the BDSM relationship should be ABOVE any other type of relationship, but i do think there are certain aspects of BDSM that require certain values and behaviors as a minimum. the sad truth is that many don't have those values and don't behave in those ways. Perhaps that's the value in talking about this on the message boards - reminding me, and others, not to fall into romanticizing BDSM by thinking that because someone is involved in BDSM that they are any better than the average joe or jill on the street.

lateralist1 -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 10:21:11 AM)
There is nothing wrong with being romantic or thinking of oneself as part of a community. Some people need that. A lot of what has been said on these message boards has helped me. Yes of course we have to keep our feet firmly on the ground as well. Which some people have difficulty in doing. But sometimes getting a message across is better done in a gentle way. We all know that some people rush into relationships and then find out that they are not everything they had hoped for. It happens in all areas not only with kinky people. And not everyone who has a profile on this site is kinky. Some are just desperately searching for a partner or even just to belong.

charmdpetKeira -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 10:31:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cherrypez So my question to everyone is what are your thoughts on the subject. Do you even think it is overly romantized? Do you even care? Why or why not? I think the phrase is used by some, who can’t comprehend the way someone else lives their life, because it is not in accordance with what they have, and or, would want. Also by some who recognize that others have unreal expectations towards probability in finding what they say they are looking for. Personally, I feel if a person is living their life the way they say they are based on a D/s dynamic, and find it romantic; all the more power to ‘em. k

cherrypez -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 11:15:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TreasureKY quote: ORIGINAL: cherrypez ...Sometimes, there is almost a influx of believing that because one is dominant he is without flaws, never angered, never sick, always a gentleman, independantly wealthy, possessing great strength, incredibly handsome and buffed... but there is also a similar not too often noticed an expectation of a submissive being in the same pefect mold. She must be sweet, loving, never bitter, never angry, god forbid if she has PMS, she must have exceptional cooking skills, must be able to manage a household and keep it ship shape at all times sometimes with a handful of um's (who by the way never interrupt scenes and are never around when she is kneeling naked when Master comes in at the end of the day), she must be incredibly sexy, never have a bad hair day, not be a doormat yet expected to Yes Sir every demand without exception....(I could go on forever)... Wait a second! You're describing FirmhandKy and I... do you mean that we aren't realistic? [;)] Sure I believe it how the hell do you deal with the PMS though?

Justme696 -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 12:44:37 PM)
It is as romantic as you make it in your relation. As simple as that, and what others do is not of influence on your view (or should be not). But when i started as Master i hoped all the foruems would be filled with elf like sweet tender slaves and that all slaves would fight for me as Owner. Sadly i was wrong lol. I guess my romantic view was wrong.

NakedOnMyChain -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 1:17:30 PM)
I think to many it is overly romanticized. Before I got more heavily involved in play and meeting others in the lifestyle, I certainly put a hazy romantic quality of perfection on it in my fantasies. However, they were just fantasies, and fantasies are supposed to be that way. The reality of my kink is something much less romantic. Perhaps this is because play isn't typically sexual for me. I think sexuality mixed with kink could, perhaps, bring a bigger sense of romance into the undertaking. Occasionally play is sexual for me, but typically I just need the pain. I suppose there is a romantic quality to it, to the odd trance-like place I go in a good scene, but it's pretty hard to call it romantic when a big old flogger is hitting your back so hard you feel like you're being punched by a linebacker. Then again, I'm typically crying much-needed tears of release at that point, and I suppose it could be romanticized. So honestly, I've been of no help whatsoever. But, hey, that's what I'm known for; seeing things from both sides and being generally diplomatic and inconclusive. [;)]

kimba1 -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 1:35:16 PM)
mmmmmm ..... i AM romantic, what we have is incredibly hot sexy and romantic, my Master is perfect for me, and i am perfect for Him, and here in Wales we darn well DO have unicorns! hah! (just some people can't see the invisible horns ...) [sm=mrpuffy.gif]

gorgeous1 -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 1:46:13 PM)
OK, I started reading the cynical responses, and then I decided to stop reading and just make an organic post (meaning fast reply). I can TOTALLY identify with your feeling about how life gets in the way of bdsm. If MAster and I didn't have ums, I'd be kneeling naked at the door with my service collar on every night- that is, unless I had a bad day and was feeling kinda PMS-y and felt like a total bitch. There ya go- romantic vs. reality. Find me a slave who bows and scrapes and kneels EVERY perfectly submissively stinking day, and I'll call Shenanigans on them. This is a really fun game and sometimes you have to take time out to take care of real life and the aftermath. The romantic part of it is finding the way to read each other so well that you know when to kneel, and when to just give him a big hug and say, "Hi, sweetie, I'm so glad you're home!"

TreasureKY -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 3:36:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cherrypez quote: ORIGINAL: TreasureKY Wait a second! You're describing FirmhandKy and I... do you mean that we aren't realistic? [;)] Sure I believe it how the hell do you deal with the PMS though? Early menopause. [;)] I never experienced PMS anyway.

KnightofMists -> RE: Overly romantizing the lifestyle (1/14/2008 6:51:35 PM)
the term "overly romantizing" just strikes me as saying "unrealistic expectations" I personally don't want to overly romantize my relationship. However what I consider as over romantizing will be different than what others think. It really is a rather subjective judgement that we make of ourselves and others situations.

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