RE: Lessening the ego

RE: Lessening the ego (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

Statepalace -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/15/2008 10:39:22 PM)
Talk to him about the "why" behind taking away your structure. I find it helpful if I know what the point is to something. Is it that he wants you to learn to be less stressed and driven? To live more in the moment and less in your head thinking about future events? Or is it that he just doesn't want to be bothered with micromanaging your day? If the last one is the reason, then ask why you can't set a schedule for yourself. If you need a purpose, find one. Hell, I can give you a cause right now. Go to www.levees.org and be useful. If what you really, really need is to know that you are useful and pleasing to this one man, that's a harder thing. After a lot of internal examination and a trial period where you truly do without to differentiate between need and want, you see that it is a need - let him know. He needs a happy and healthy slave, right? To spend most of every day as a ghost, aimlessly wandering around with little to do, where I wasn't certain if my existence mattered or not - that would be unhealthy for me.

daddyncherry -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/15/2008 10:53:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Statepalace Talk to him about the "why" behind taking away your structure. I find it helpful if I know what the point is to something. Is it that he wants you to learn to be less stressed and driven? To live more in the moment and less in your head thinking about future events? Or is it that he just doesn't want to be bothered with micromanaging your day? If the last one is the reason, then ask why you can't set a schedule for yourself. If you need a purpose, find one. Hell, I can give you a cause right now. Go to www.levees.org and be useful. If what you really, really need is to know that you are useful and pleasing to this one man, that's a harder thing. After a lot of internal examination and a trial period where you truly do without to differentiate between need and want, you see that it is a need - let him know. He needs a happy and healthy slave, right? To spend most of every day as a ghost, aimlessly wandering around with little to do, where I wasn't certain if my existence mattered or not - that would be unhealthy for me. thank you for your response... first off..i can't ask him Why? because to him that is always an isignificant question....Why means nothing to him, What? How? (not how come because that is Why? in disguise) When? Where? Those are more pertainent (sp)...but questions are more of an annoyance than anything. He is definitely not the micromanaging type, this i found out a long time ago and part of the lack of schedule is to make me give up control or things...i tend to control alot by fear and other means (not realizing that that was what i was doing) Soooo the whole concept of sit around and do nothing makes me NUTS...he knows this.....sometimes he will enforce a t.v. or movie day when i am home alone and i am not allowed to do anything productive...i have to play, and watch tv and lay around in bed...Not easy for me. i think i NEED to feel like i have a purpose with HIM...not in general..although there is that too...There are things i can and do...but it is feeling like i have purpose with Him. your last paragraph hit me square on the head....i have done this "no structure" thing for a year now...prior to that i had little structure but i was working for him, so there was purpose and i also thought that alot of the stuff that i was doing mattered...i have since learned that most of it was of no consequence in the over all picture....i was basically learning the ropes of being his slave....i did what i thought he wanted me to do...thinking that it was pleasing to him....because he doesn't just come right out and say "Here is your list of things to do....and this is what i expect from you."...He expects me to obey....that is mostly it. i do sometimes feel SOOOO aimless...and that is why i say that i NEED the lists to follow, for my own piece of mind.

charlotte12 -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/15/2008 11:13:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: daddyncherry That is a great idea....the 5 and 10 min ideas...wonderful ideas. i have learned over the past 9 months or so that it is not passive, although before that i thought i was topping from the bottom to do things without him expressly saying so (like sitting at his feet for example)...The only problem is, there are a few things that he has had me do on occasion in the past....Example: peeing in a bowl....doing chores with cuffs on....spending time centering by laying on the spanking horse......If i do these things without him telling me to do them, they don't have near the impact and sometimes NONE...because they are being done of my own volition and he is no part of it....would be like spanking myself or something...So then i don't do them and wish that i could. You remind me of myself as you say this. I sometimes wish that Master could do more to make me feel like his slave. A certain activity such as not wearing panties has so much more impact on me when he tells me to do it than when i simply do it myself. But i have been finding a way to view this that helps me a lot and might help you as well. You might feel you are being self-serving if you do something on your own without him telling you to but don't you imagine that he would be pleased that you are proactively doing things that help you feel more like his slave? Meaning, he might not have specifically requested or cared if you spend some time centering yourself on the spanking horse but i imagine it would please him that you chose to do something with your time that helps remind you of your place with him. In other words, you can serve him by serving yourself. Also, serving him doesn't have to mean only thinking about him every second of the day. I bet he doesn't want you to sit at home missing him every day. I really like the 5 and 10 minute thing. I would also suggest finding a hobby or something you would like to learn that makes you happy. I think it's good that you want to be able to put his desires before your own but i bet he desires a happy slave so find things to do that make you happy. He doesn't require you spend every minute of every hour he's away doing things that make his life easier. I don't know if you draw or paint or play an instrument but perhaps your Master would be pleased to come home to a girl who has spent the day actively engaged in something that has put her in a good mood. Just my two cents. I admire your intentions here and just wanted to point out that perhaps there are ways to serve him that don't have to rule out your own happiness. :) sending lots of love and hopefully we can get together again soon. charlotte

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/15/2008 11:19:28 PM)
You might find some useful things here. SlaveMaster and his household are dedicated to working on the ego. I don't agree with everything he says, but I highly respect him. Plus, he's got great "big brother" energy for me! http://bornslaves.com/literature.html Master Fire

Statepalace -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/15/2008 11:28:02 PM)
If why is not an option, then "what is the goal" might be a possible question. Not being able to ask why would drive me absolutely nuts, as I am such a "why" person. In terms of his responsibility to you, and the difference between needs and wants - if I wanted a panther, and after acquiring one put it in a cage where it could not meet its own needs, I would then be responsible for EVERYTHING it needed. I would be responsible for keeping it stimulated mentally so that it would not turn into one of those pathetic creatures that paces the bars all day and rocks back and forth. They do that, you know, and it's one of the saddest things to watch. All that lovely vitality and potential just lost, because they've gone a little bit mad with the inactivity. You are not a panther, but if one of the things you require to be healthy is a sense of purpose with him, then that is a need. How that need gets met is up to him - he could tell you to do a wide variety of things, many of which would take little of his time and energy.

juliaoceania -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/15/2008 11:39:26 PM)
In the past I have sought to kill the ego, but then I asked myself isn't killing my ego an act of ego? What about my ego is wrong? I think it is a noble endeavor because trying to focus less on the self is a growing experience, but for me it seemed when I attempted to do that it was an act of resistance for me, and I have found what I resist persists.... He refers to me as his girlfriend to most people, especially our loved ones think of our relationship this way. I do not think submissive and girlfriend are mutually exclusive roles. I am his submissive girlfriend...Of course I have an ego, he encourages me to have an ego, a well developed sense of self, which is what an ego is. I think there is a difference between having a healthy sense of self (ego) and having unrealistic expectations from others.. which is what I think I am reading in your post. I have found only by focusing on what I really heart felt wanted, but acknowledged that no one else is responsible to give it to me, could I begin to get it. When I have put others in charge of my happiness or sense of abundance I always came up lacking. If I take responsibility for my own abundance and happiness, then my expectations of others just naturally goes away. I am also more grateful when people exceed my expectations, and that gratitude fosters more of the behavior I happily did not expect the first time. This is just my experience, and other people have different experiences. It is the effort, the growth, the learning that makes it all worthwhile, so no matter what, just trying to be more than you are today leads somewhere wonderful (as you expressed in your OP). Nothing is wasted.

daddyncherry -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/15/2008 11:43:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam You might find some useful things here. SlaveMaster and his household are dedicated to working on the ego. I don't agree with everything he says, but I highly respect him. Plus, he's got great "big brother" energy for me! http://bornslaves.com/literature.html Master Fire Thank you MFM... Since this question didn't pop up for me over night, i actually did find that site and the article about the ego a couple of weeks ago...i was meaning to go back to it and re-read. Is there more there on that topic other than the article? i tried to figure it out but it didn't seem to go very far....so i researched elswhere. Thank you again.

daddyncherry -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/15/2008 11:47:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: charlotte12 But i have been finding a way to view this that helps me a lot and might help you as well. You might feel you are being self-serving if you do something on your own without him telling you to but don't you imagine that he would be pleased that you are proactively doing things that help you feel more like his slave? Meaning, he might not have specifically requested or cared if you spend some time centering yourself on the spanking horse but i imagine it would please him that you chose to do something with your time that helps remind you of your place with him. In other words, you can serve him by serving yourself. Also, serving him doesn't have to mean only thinking about him every second of the day. I bet he doesn't want you to sit at home missing him every day. I really like the 5 and 10 minute thing. I would also suggest finding a hobby or something you would like to learn that makes you happy. I think it's good that you want to be able to put his desires before your own but i bet he desires a happy slave so find things to do that make you happy. He doesn't require you spend every minute of every hour he's away doing things that make his life easier. I don't know if you draw or paint or play an instrument but perhaps your Master would be pleased to come home to a girl who has spent the day actively engaged in something that has put her in a good mood. Good point....he has told me in the past that he has given me a bunch of things that i could do...but i never looked at it quite the way you put it....And he totally doesn't expect me to spend every waking minute thinking about him...as a matter of fact he encourages me to go out and do things.. and you know, i have the whole "cake thing" i do....so i do some of that and i go out and do some things...the gym and stuff...also trying to get a job doing the cake thing....he has given me permission to do it and thinks that i will learn alot just having to do the whole working for someone else gig (which as you know is totally NEW NEW to me) Edited to add: i can't wait to get together again...i missed seeing ya'll this weekend.

CuriousLord -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/15/2008 11:51:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty quote: ORIGINAL: CuriousLord Ego, to me, is a driving force. As it should be. Yet, for others that sense of self is best when used in service to another. Some are wired to give their very souls to their owner, and can not find happiness any other way. I have given my life over to the pursuit of something. I've been rather sure that precious few could even hope to keep pace with me; hence, this path. However, what if I was not so sure? What if I didn't feel I could speak meaningfully? I often wonder if I would not have been such a devoted to another. At times, too, I wonder.. what if I had not only peers, but superiors? How would I address them? At this point in life, I believe I've gone beyond earnest contemplation and become set in dominate nature; I'm too old to change so fundamentally. Still, I do wonder at what point I could've been compelled to serve. I certainly was, when I believed there to be a God. At what point is it that we are hardwired? I've come to doubt it's birth; sometime in childhood? I suppose it depends upon the degree to which one is "hardwired".. even at this point in my life, a truly awesome force might still be able to compel me.

daddyncherry -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/15/2008 11:54:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania I think there is a difference between having a healthy sense of self (ego) and having unrealistic expectations from others.. which is what I think I am reading in your post. Actually you are maybe reading something that isn't actually there...but, that is my fault because i was intentionally vague on what the actual issues are (because i don't want to air my dirty undies here)....Suffice it to say, i don't really have unrealistic expectations of him....i am trying to distinguish between things that are wants and things that are needs...and trying to remove my ego from the situation so i can just be a slave and get rid of the girl friend concept....the girl friend who is entitled to X Y or Z..... The rest of the things you said make alot of sense for sure, not necessarily for my particular issue du jour but definitely good life concepts for sure. (the whole expectation thing is a big thing) Thanks

CuriousLord -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/15/2008 11:55:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dcnovice quote: But they also have a freedom that owners will never have. How so, Taggard? I've normally seen a slave's freedom comparable to that of a child's. While a child may not be able to drive a car, vote, drink, or even cross the street without permission.. the child can still be free of mind; carefree! The parent, however, while permitted to do all of these things is often compelled to not do so.. responsibility, is it? It strikes me as something more complex, though I suppose exhaustion demands apathy for the moment. "Responsbility" will stand as a vulgar approximation.

LadyLolly -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/16/2008 12:21:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Statepalace If why is not an option, then "what is the goal" might be a possible question. Not being able to ask why would drive me absolutely nuts, as I am such a "why" person. In terms of his responsibility to you, and the difference between needs and wants - if I wanted a panther, and after acquiring one put it in a cage where it could not meet its own needs, I would then be responsible for EVERYTHING it needed. I would be responsible for keeping it stimulated mentally so that it would not turn into one of those pathetic creatures that paces the bars all day and rocks back and forth. They do that, you know, and it's one of the saddest things to watch. All that lovely vitality and potential just lost, because they've gone a little bit mad with the inactivity. You are not a panther, but if one of the things you require to be healthy is a sense of purpose with him, then that is a need. How that need gets met is up to him - he could tell you to do a wide variety of things, many of which would take little of his time and energy. Perhaps rather than a question of "why" and with "how" being approved of - since you are having dificulty complying with your instructions - it should be permissable to indicate that you are having difficulty with doing so and seek further instruction. His schedule sounds like he's busy - perhaps he is just not aware. Volunteering might please him. Learning new skills to better serve may as well. Classes in massage perhaps? Learn to make the soap used to wash his back. Essential oil creation and/or aromatherapy to help relieve his stress or invigorate him. Things along those lines. As you liked the 5/10 minute suggestion, another idea. Create an informal Daddy shrine for yourself. Perhaps his picture, an article of clothing that has his scent, things of that nature. When your slave focus wanders, needs recentering, or just a Daddy "fix" use these items to lose yourself into, concentrate on and boost your sense of being his slave with. Think about, relive in as much sensory detail as possible, experiences that very much brought those feelings alive in you.

daddyncherry -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/16/2008 12:36:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyLolly Perhaps rather than a question of "why" and with "how" being approved of - since you are having dificulty complying with your instructions - it should be permissable to indicate that you are having difficulty with doing so and seek further instruction. His schedule sounds like he's busy - perhaps he is just not aware. He is aware, and he is intentionally making me live without a schedule, so i don't always feel the need to have everything controlled (by myself) quote: ORIGINAL: LadyLolly Volunteering might please him. Learning new skills to better serve may as well. Classes in massage perhaps? Learn to make the soap used to wash his back. Essential oil creation and/or aromatherapy to help relieve his stress or invigorate him. Things along those lines. He will allow me to get a job, as for volunteering, it isn't something i have much interest in (the one thing i would volunteer for is not local to me and i don't drive)....The only classes that i could take that would be pleasing to him on a personal level, would be golf lessons and continuing skating lessons...learning how to make anything, cook anything or things of that nature just wouldn't be of interest to him. quote: As you liked the 5/10 minute suggestion, another idea. Create an informal Daddy shrine for yourself. Perhaps his picture, an article of clothing that has his scent, things of that nature. When your slave focus wanders, needs recentering, or just a Daddy "fix" use these items to lose yourself into, concentrate on and boost your sense of being his slave with. Think about, relive in as much sensory detail as possible, experiences that very much brought those feelings alive in you. i used to do something like this for a period and it helped then, but things are a bit different now....i used to kneel in front of our contract and read it daily, and that was helpful then...i also used to watch "the Secretary" over and over....i know it sounds silly but there were some parts in that movie that really spoke to me. Thank you for your response

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/16/2008 1:54:51 AM)
Looking around the site, I quickly found this link: http://deoxy.org/egofalse.htm. I think if you'll spend a few minutes clicking around, you'll find other things. Master Fire quote: ORIGINAL: daddyncherry quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam You might find some useful things here. SlaveMaster and his household are dedicated to working on the ego. I don't agree with everything he says, but I highly respect him. Plus, he's got great "big brother" energy for me! http://bornslaves.com/literature.html Master Fire Thank you MFM... Since this question didn't pop up for me over night, i actually did find that site and the article about the ego a couple of weeks ago...i was meaning to go back to it and re-read. Is there more there on that topic other than the article? i tried to figure it out but it didn't seem to go very far....so i researched elswhere. Thank you again.

Justme696 -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/16/2008 1:58:13 AM)
quote: He refers to me as his girlfriend to most people, especially our loved ones think of our relationship this way. I do not think submissive and girlfriend are mutually exclusive roles. I am his submissive girlfriend...Of course I have an ego, he encourages me to have an ego, a well developed sense of self, which is what an ego is. I had a slave girlfriend and it worked well. Although she was a slave...I loved her..and I encouraged her to be a person (she didn't get much space to be one before she met me, as kajira). You have to have an "ego" to survive outisde the relation too. And I see a girl with a personality as a balance to myself

MistressVnus -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/16/2008 7:03:58 AM)
".and i need one, whether it is self imposed or not...i have tried to go without it for a long time and it is so not working...i NEED lists or i don't get things done....like in an unhealthy type way." (I'm unsure of how to put the quotes in a box so doing it the old-fashioned way.) I belive you have answered part of your own delema here. Earlier you stated that this has been a learning process regarding your wants and needs and that often you have found what you thought were needs to be only wants. However, in this particular instance you have identified a very real NEED. And, this particular need for structure is very indicative of your desire to be a slave, or submissive, or whatever you want to call it. I would suggest that you ask your Master to set aside a time for you and He to speak about this. I think it is essential that you talk, again, about this with your Master or you may be getting set up to end up very unfulfilled in this realtionship. The self-imposed structure may work for a while...but I suspect the need for structure will be be more clearly defined up the road as something that will only fulfill your needs if it is structure defined by your Master. And who knows...perhaps your Master didn't want you to have any structure, at first, to see if you identified this need in yourself without having it just put upon you first. Or, he is not interested in taking the time to provide it. OR, doesn't see it as a NEED for you. In any event, I would say some communication about your new found NEED is in order. And, identifying this issue for yourself was a HUGE step in removing your ego. Kudos. Just my observation.......and suggestion. Quite refreshing, you are. Your Master is a lucky man.

charlotte12 -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/16/2008 9:08:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: daddyncherry i also used to watch "the Secretary" over and over....i know it sounds silly but there were some parts in that movie that really spoke to me. Hehe, once again you sound just like me. [;)] Just wanted to say that the cake idea sounds like a really good one. I saw how excited you were about making them and how much time and energy you put into it. I also like the idea of golf or skating lessons. See from everything you say it sounds like you have lots of ideas of ways to keep yourself focused and busy but it sounds like you are waiting for permission or direct orders to do them. However, it seems you already have permission and encouragement. Try telling yourself every morning that today you are going to find at least one thing to do that shows appreciation and gratitude for the freedom your Daddy has chosen to give you. Be that taking a class or baking a cake or spending a half hour doing something that refocuses you on your place with him. It really sounds like he's less concerned about your devotion to serving him as your ability to relax and let go. If he is giving you the time and space and permission to relax and find things that are good for you then by all means do it! That will be serving him, just in a way that most people don't connect with a D/s relationship. Alot of us picture the harsh rules and strict guidelines and spending every hour of every day directly serving him. When confronted with a D/s relationship in real life it's hard to step back and see that a simple thing like taking a class that makes you happy can be serving your Daddy even more than the coffee you make him in the morning. Master used to say before he collared me that if a girl is not in a collar but is craving to serve in some way she can do so by finding ways to make her more valuable. Learn skills a Master may like and do things that make her a happy healthy girl that a Man would wish to collar. You can do the same thing in the collar. Make yourself the happiest person you can be within the parameters your Daddy has laid out and you will be on your way to being the best slave you can be. This means listening to your wants and needs and finding a way to get those met in a way that pleases your Daddy. Ok, back to work for me. charlotte

TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/16/2008 9:12:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressVnus Your Master is a lucky man. No kidding!!! Can we get a clone? laughing Taggard

daddyncherry -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/16/2008 9:12:59 AM)
Yes that is the essay that i read...the link didn't work though (there is a small typo at the end of it) so i'll try reposting in case it will, and in case someone else might find it helpful.... http://deoxy.org/egofalse.htm i didn't find anything else regarding ego on there but that essay is a really good one IMO. (there was reference to message boards but they seem to be more geared to gay male slaves) Thx

daddyncherry -> RE: Lessening the ego (1/16/2008 9:23:34 AM)
MistressVnus, Thank you very much for your reply... i believe a self imposed list would work fine for me, as long as i have his blessings or permission to do it...If he wants to add things to the lists from time to time (such as the days when he tells me "Today you have a task" then i'm sure he would..and i don't need him to make it for me although , knowing myself i would have more s"tick-to-it-edness" if he were a part of it, but that is my own responsiblility...i just want his permission. i am almost sure there would be some changes down the road at some point...He mentioned teaching me freedom before removing the freedoms (or something of that nature)..but, if i were to bring it up in an actual discussion it would only serve to annoy him. my BIGGEST reason for this post was trying to figure out how to happily take away my ego...the ego that feels entitled to things, the ego that can be hurt by things and within that trying to figure out if the things i feel entitled to are NEEDS that i must have met or things that are wants that i can live without. Thank you for the sweet words, and i hope he feels good enough about me to continue to love and keep me.

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 5 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875