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How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 8:21:04 AM   
kdbell


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: Kansas City
Status: offline 		Ok, I am sure you have been asked this many times.  How do you know if a man is truly a Dom or if he is pretending.  I had a experience w/a man who supposedly is a Dom who has no respect for any safe words or limits.  We prearranged our playtime and I thought everything would be fine.  However, during our time together, he went outside the boundaries.  This was the first time I with any personally, normally just have chatted as penpals over the internet.  I don't want to be discouraged, but I would like to avoid this in the future if possible.
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RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 8:26:22 AM   
liketophoto


Posts: 763
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline 		References

(in reply to kdbell)
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RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 8:32:43 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kdbell

Ok, I am sure you have been asked this many times.  How do you know if a man is truly a Dom or if he is pretending.  I had a experience w/a man who supposedly is a Dom who has no respect for any safe words or limits.  We prearranged our playtime and I thought everything would be fine.  However, during our time together, he went outside the boundaries.  This was the first time I with any personally, normally just have chatted as penpals over the internet.  I don't want to be discouraged, but I would like to avoid this in the future if possible.

You don't know; until you have taken the necessary time to get to know him/her. If you rush into it with someone simply because they insist it is the thing to do; well, you have only yourself to blame.

I rely on my instincts; if it feels right, I go with it.

You however, have to rely on what you feel is right for you; not on what others say.

As for what liketophoto said; I don't do references; I don't ask for them, I don't recommend them. I do recommend getting to know others in your area and attending some clubs, meetings, play parties with them if you can; so that you can get a first hand feel for others.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to kdbell)
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RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 8:38:59 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		what Irish said - really get to the know the person before playing.  it's all about trust when it comes to playing with someone you hardly know.




_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to IrishMist)
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RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 8:42:52 AM   
jackriddle


Posts: 10
Joined: 1/10/2008
Status: offline 		I think this is like any kind of relations. If you don't exercise good judgement, you may get hurt. Except that, as a sub, you put yourself in a particularly vulnerable position, which requires you to be even more careful.

If you add the 'web factor', a great medium but where creeps flow like flies on honey, you'd better get to know someone before you get tied up at his/her feet.

I hope you'll get over this and find the right dom. There are lots of great people out there.

And as I've seen (I think) in someone's signature around here: "good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement"...

Take care,

Jack

(in reply to kdbell)
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RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 8:48:19 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kdbell

Ok, I am sure you have been asked this many times.  How do you know if a man is truly a Dom or if he is pretending.  I had a experience w/a man who supposedly is a Dom who has no respect for any safe words or limits.  We prearranged our playtime and I thought everything would be fine.  However, during our time together, he went outside the boundaries.  This was the first time I with any personally, normally just have chatted as penpals over the internet.  I don't want to be discouraged, but I would like to avoid this in the future if possible.


Well, he may still be dominant, but also a dick. The two aren't necessarily exclusive.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to kdbell)
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RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 9:55:46 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		What a question..how to answer...you don't know. You cannot know if someone is truly a Dom, or normal, or not going to hurt you physically or emotionally or if you will be compatible with them or really anything until you meet them and get to know them and even then, you may not know.

People are mysterious creatures; they can hide things from each other for years, even from themselves. It is hard to trust and let go in the pursuit of getting your needs taken care, but you do need to take some precautions, such as not letting yourself get into a predicament that you cannot get out of the first time you play with someone.

Just try and go slow and use the little voice in your head that senses red flags, sometimes that voice senses what the other parts of you denies.

(in reply to Level)
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RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 11:31:21 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: liketophoto

References


A little time spent in the real time community helps, too.


_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to liketophoto)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 11:38:11 AM   
MamaDomme1


Posts: 377
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline 		I suggest getting to know them a lot better before actually playing.  The Kansas City area has a very decent BDSM community and I hope that you become active and meet others.  You will learn who you can trust and who you should take extra precautions around.

And like others have already said, just because someone is a Dominant, doesn't mean that they can't be an asshole too.  There are jerks of all flavors.

(in reply to kdbell)
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RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 11:53:41 AM   
Kleemar


Posts: 2
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline 		You can't take out all the risk, but most people can FEEL or sense if it is right. To meet in a vanilla safe setting, sets the stage. Converstion is a good way to judge. For me, it is my place to ask limits and safe word. To find out physical/mental limitations is a responsibility of the dom. If he/she isn't probing for that information, the sub becomes just a piece of meat and more times than not, the sub will not enjoy the experience.

(in reply to MamaDomme1)
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RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 12:59:55 PM   
kinkypuppy2


Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline 		If they went outside agreed limits or ignored an agreed upon safeword.. Leave.. now...


_____________________________

See nic "Kinkypupper" also as "slvseeker" As I cannot reply to any posts or log into collarchat under that name I had to create this profile.

(in reply to kdbell)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 1:26:06 PM   
Rushemery


Posts: 310
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline 		take a friend with you if you insist on playing the first time, anyone reasonable should be ok with that

(in reply to kinkypuppy2)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 1:38:05 PM   
sweetwenchie


Posts: 1993
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		i do not think there is any one true to way to know.  And as others here have stated, even Dominants can be assholes.  Ignoring your limits and safewords doesn't neccessarily make him "not a Dom"... it makes him someone unsafe to play with.  Personally i do not play with someone before a number of real time meetings as friends first.  There needs to be a level of trust established before i will let myself be vulnerable to possible harm.  Not everyone is comfortable in a public setting, however playing in public does help with safety issues, especially if you have friends there that are aware of your limits and can inform a DM if he is abusing those limits.

just my thoughts on this 

_____________________________

"To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object." - De Beauvoir

"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." - Nietzsche

(in reply to kdbell)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 2:20:48 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kdbell

Ok, I am sure you have been asked this many times.  How do you know if a man is truly a Dom or if he is pretending.  I had a experience w/a man who supposedly is a Dom who has no respect for any safe words or limits.  We prearranged our playtime and I thought everything would be fine.  However, during our time together, he went outside the boundaries.  This was the first time I with any personally, normally just have chatted as penpals over the internet.  I don't want to be discouraged, but I would like to avoid this in the future if possible.

This isn't about whether this individual was dominant so much as trustworthy - and clearly he wasn't!
 
Trust has a relatively simple concept to it - you take whatever time you both need to develop it.  And considering this was your first r/l experience, I suspect you did what many newbies do - you were guided by your hunger to feel the sensation of D/s play without enough consideration for who you were actually trusting yourself to.  A vanilla equivalent might be of a horny male just going where his dick leads him and to hell with anything else, rather than making sound choices to begin with....
 
What you do is consider the *whole package* of anyone you choose to get involved with and ALWAYS trust your instincts about them.  And especially take the time to develop trust - it doesn't require a College Degree to figger out if someone is seeing *all* of you as opposed to just a piece of meat he might have his way with....
 
Focus. 

(in reply to kdbell)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 2:33:05 PM   
MissHarlet


Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline 		Dont give into the newbie frenzies .. take time ... lots of time .. to know the person well before you play.  In my opinion .. playing on a first meet is never wise .. sometimes not even on second or third meet.  As others have said .. take a friend with you the first few times you play with someone if it is possible.  If you have any doubts at all DON'T.... Your instincts usually are sound if you listen to them.

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 5:12:53 PM   
liketophoto


Posts: 763
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline 		References are cooberated with people you know from your network of people you have met in the lifestyle and trust.
These are not just the kind of references as if you were looking to have your kitchen redone.

I also have a crystal ball, but the facts speak for themselves.

I had a job interveiw once where I was told the address for the interveiw was next door. They would have people knock on the door and watch to see what peoples reactions were when no one answered.
Everyone has there ways IrishMist has some very good suggestions also.
It is what works for Her. 
Respectfully, LTP

< Message edited by liketophoto -- 1/20/2008 5:15:23 PM >

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 6:40:08 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You run the same risk if you get to chatting with a guy at a bar and give him your phone number. He says he'll pick you up for dinner at 7 on Thursday but you take a risk once you let him into your apartment.

Take more time talking. Talk about important things. See him publicly and assess how he treats a waitress. Does he show up on time to take you out? Does he go off the deep end if he gets cut off in traffic? Does he boast about getting back at people? Has he had ten jobs in four years and blames all of his exbosses?

Same red flags in regular conversations apply here.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to liketophoto)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 7:19:27 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

References are cooberated with people you know from your network of people you have met in the lifestyle and trust.

Whatever ...I am not going to go into the whole reference debate again...you want my real opinion on it, look up a few threads from the last couple months.



_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to liketophoto)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 10:13:19 PM   
kdbell


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: Kansas City
Status: offline 		You all have great advice, Momma Domme 1 mentioned to check out the local BDSM Community.  Are there special bars &/or clubs for this lifestyle.  Being as some have called me a newbie where do you turn to meet others in this lifestyle and see how they interactive?  I wish my friends were on board with this, because bringing one might be a good idea, but they are totally against this.

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How Do You Know - 1/20/2008 11:38:36 PM   
Bound2One


Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kdbell

You all have great advice, Momma Domme 1 mentioned to check out the local BDSM Community.  Are there special bars &/or clubs for this lifestyle.  Being as some have called me a newbie where do you turn to meet others in this lifestyle and see how they interactive?  I wish my friends were on board with this, because bringing one might be a good idea, but they are totally against this.


Have you heard the term 'munch'?  A munch is a gathering of people in the BDSM community typically held in a restaurant/diner usually monthly to discuss issues within the community and to chat and talk and meet one another.  Do a google search for your city and the word 'munch'. 

You're in a dangerous time right now, I think - not knowing much about something that you really want to explore, and you need someone you trust to guide you.  It's finding that someone to trust, obviously, which is the hard part.  I'd do a lot of reading if I were you.  There's a ton of information online both on these forums and elsewhere which will give you a better sense of maybe what want.  Run a search for 'bdsm checklist' - this will give you a huge listing of activities and you can see where your desires run and what you'd like to try. 

If you get a better sense of what you are actually looking for, it may help you spot a Dominant who will be compatible with you. 

(in reply to kdbell)
Profile   Post #: 20
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