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RE: Do I expect too much? - 1/21/2008 11:04:22 AM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BotanicalMiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubmissiveAK

When I meet someone, say for lunch, I dont find it unreasonable to be expected to pay for lunch... as that's what's expected in the vanilla world when a man meets a woman. Its nothing to do with old ideas on women or anything, its just being polite. If she were to demand I take her to the fanciest place for dinner, bring flowers, pay tribute, hire a limo just for the courtesy of meeting her... I would be put off a bit!

It's nice to hear someone say this. Yes, I do expect to be treated like a nilla woman in some aspects. I am looking for a relationship and expect things to be treated that way. If I was nilla, would they pick up the lunch tab? Of course. As far as where we have lunch, if I'm unsure of the man's financial status I choose an inexpensive family restaurant (lunch for 2 for about $15 including tip); if he has made it clear that he is quite comfortable financially, then I shoot for Applebee's or someplace similar which still certainly is not the fanciest place in town.

Within a relationship, expenses are shared. And I'm actually pretty low maintenance in that way... I tend to prefer activities that don't cost much money, if anything at all. And I'm one hell of a bargain shopper, whether it's my money being spent or someone else's... especially if it's someone else's. It may not be a "goddess" like attitude, but I've even been known to break off relationships with nilla men if they made me feel like they were trying to buy my affection. Yes, there are certain things I expect men to pay for (sub or not), but having someone insist on paying for everything actually makes me uncomfortable... even if I know they have the means to do so. *shrugs* That's just me.

I'm curious how many femdoms, if they were to win the lottery and were financially set for life, would still want men to pay at least half - just out of principal? If you had all the money you could ever want, would you pay for things in order to eliminate any hassles over who pays for what? Or is making a man pay for at least half a way of making sure he does not take it for granted?

Akasha

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RE: Do I expect too much? - 1/21/2008 11:35:31 AM

littlesarbonn

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A lot of times I really have to just play it by ear to see what is and is not expected from me in a new relationship when it comes to paying and not paying. I've been in some relationships where it was very much like a vanilla relationship, where the guy is expected to pay for everything, and then I've been in owned relationships where I wasn't allowed to pay for anything, that she actually enjoyed being the one who did the spending and never even said anything about it.

Sometimes, it's just hard to figure out, even if you come straight out and ask. You don't always get a straight answer, or the answer doesn't always remain the same as time goes on.

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Post #: 42

RE: Do I expect too much? - 1/21/2008 6:05:21 PM

LadyLolly

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Would your Dom partner happen to be your Dom?
From reading, it seems that your mind set tends toward being influenced in interaction with a desire to please.

This putz drives less than a hour, and you owe him?
He's rude and nastey and you try harder, even though you don't want to?
It really sounds like you are being manipulated into serving/submitting to him. Granted, it might be the insecurity of a novice dominant, but your responses to this guy and that it's happened before makes one wonder. Honestly, not trying to make you feel more insecure, but have you considered you might not be Domme?

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Post #: 43

RE: Do I expect too much? - 1/21/2008 8:23:34 PM

BotanicalMiss

Posts: 82
Joined: 11/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLolly

Would your Dom partner happen to be your Dom?

I am somewhat submissive to him, but no he is not "my dom".

quote:

From reading, it seems that your mind set tends toward being influenced in interaction with a desire to please.
This putz drives less than a hour, and you owe him?
He's rude and nastey and you try harder, even though you don't want to?
It really sounds like you are being manipulated into serving/submitting to him.

For those who remember the Back to the Future movies, remember McFly's "trigger" of being called a chicken? It made him instantly forget everything he knew he should do and instead, did whatever he was being goaded into. It's a pride thing... and in this instance, my "trigger" was tripped.

quote:

Granted, it might be the insecurity of a novice dominant, but your responses to this guy and that it's happened before makes one wonder.

Yes, it happened before, but it wasn't exactly the "creepy guy in a motel room." I did actually like the man, but since we really hadn't established a relationship before playing, the play just didn't feel right. I've always viewed play as an extension of a relationship. At that time, I viewed it as getting more "play" experience, but since we hadn't developed a relationship, it just left me feeling empty and sorely disappointed.

quote:

Honestly, not trying to make you feel more insecure, but have you considered you might not be Domme?

Of course I've wondered. A very brief background of myself: I started in this lifestyle as a submissive and spent 3 mostly unhappy years as a 24/7 slave. 2 1/2 years ago I came to be with my partner and his femslave of 3 years, to be his submissive and her Mistress, allowing me the ability to completely be myself. The relationship between me and my partner changed within weeks, and from that time neither of us have viewed him as my dom, or me as his submissive. I am definitely a novice domme with most of my experience being with our girl... she has viewed me as "Mistress" from day one. I'm still finding my way with submissives of my own, having had one to call my own for several months last year until his job took him back to his own home state. I know that I often try to put myself into a submissive's mind, thinking how I would feel or what I would want in a Mistress.... not that I want to be submissive to the sub, but that I want to be the best domme that I can be for that person. I'm coming to realize that while that has worked wonderfully with our girl, the male sub mind doesn't work the same.... ok, there's a lightbulb moment. I've been wondering what I'm doing wrong.... I'm a woman trying to put myself in a man's mind. And in this instance, trying to prove myself to someone out of pride, instead of just being who I am and doing what I feel comfortable with.

Thank you, Lolly, for making me think that one through.

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Post #: 44

RE: Do I expect too much? - 1/22/2008 9:54:59 AM

LadyLolly

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That's a part of what sounding boards are good for, having you re-examine and ask the questions of yourself, seeing if they ring true and if not, why not.

It's a gift to be empathic and understand what is going on in a submissives head/mind but one thing for you to choose how to use it another to allow yourself to be manipulated by it.  Remember who's supposed to be driving in the dynamic. Another question: I'm sure you would not force something on a submissive that was not ready for it, why are you allowing them to "force"/coherse/manipulate you into playing (or anything else for that matter) that YOU are not ready for? You have just as much right, if not more so, to say I'm not there yet.

Perhaps spending time with a Domme mentor you respect and admire would be of great help to you before attempting to go solo? Get a better grasp on the mind set and wielding the dynamic. Then canl be more comfortable, have a more powerful grasp of the tools and means to achieve your own goals - step out stronger in yourself with much greater confidence.

Best wishes in your personal growth.

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RE: Do I expect too much? - 1/27/2008 5:19:52 AM

JacksonvilleDom

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WOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!
still laughing my ass off.
This guy you meet is a total dumbass and I see nothing you did wrong except going against your own guidelines. I would say that sometimes we set these guidelines for ourselves and then not sure why we set them. I find that 9 times out of 10 we loose
time and self esteam when go against them. I will never say go against them just be picky when you do and try to gain a positive action in the end.

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Post #: 46

RE: Do I expect too much? - 1/27/2008 9:52:25 AM

MzStripes

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Joined: 12/25/2007
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After meeting so many of those "frogs" I believe it's natural to start to wonder if we are doing something wrong or expecting too much. But, the main thing to remember is you have to set the guidelines to which you follow. I'm like you in that I use a hotel/motel for the first couple of visits or until I'm comfortable with allowing them to know my home address. I also don't believe in playing on a first meet. For several reasons, and yes I've broken my own rule. After the fact I realized it probably wasn't the best choice but I dealt with it. Just like in 'nilla dating a female makes choices. The same goes here. Most times a first visit is at a local coffee shop. And yes, I do expect the sub to pay for my coffee. Actually, I expect them to know what I want and have it waiting for me. But then again, these are my rules. Rules that have been discussed with the sub prior to meeting me. If they can't follow the first meeting set of rules....then there is no reason to meet for a second time. Period.

Mz Stripes

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RE: Do I expect too much? - 1/27/2008 10:28:46 AM

BotanicalMiss

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pixelslave

I always appreciate it when the Domme offers to pay her half of the meal so I don't feel as though I'm a meal ticket and that's it's about getting to know each other and not just about what she can get from me.

I'm just curious if this thought process extends to all women, or just Dommes?

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Post #: 48

RE: Do I expect too much? - 1/27/2008 12:59:12 PM

JoyfulMistress

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Joined: 10/31/2007
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quote:

Do I expect too much? Am I getting too thin skinned? Am I doing something wrong? It just makes me wonder...

Thank you in advance for any input,
~BotanicalMiss~

Hun,
add measures to your screening and hopefully you will not run into another one track mind wannabe or should I say MeMeMe~Sub/Slave/whatever he claims to be..... I am sorry you had to go through this but in the same breath I am sorry for those sub/slaves/masos/bottoms that ARE real and do not do such actions.. as they are the needles in the haystacks.Hay being those that do everything and even demand you to preform at their will.Those sweet needles have to more tolerence and even more patience as they are attempting to introduce themselves to Dommes that have been somewhat jaded due to the *hay*(as in hey ... whip me now damnit ~Laughs~ so perhaps they should be called Hay/hey wannabes)that we have had to wade through to find those precious needles .
So keep your chin up and don't loose faith the proper one(s) for you are well worth the wade through the hay !
Hope you have a great day
Mistress Joy

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Post #: 49

RE: Do I expect too much? - 1/27/2008 3:01:29 PM

pixelslave

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Joined: 8/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BotanicalMiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: pixelslave

I always appreciate it when the Domme offers to pay her half of the meal so I don't feel as though I'm a meal ticket and that's it's about getting to know each other and not just about what she can get from me.

I'm just curious if this thought process extends to all women, or just Dommes?

Yes it does! But then I also don't tend to have first meets with vanilla women after corresponding with them via the net either as they're not what I'm seeking.

Please note, I said I always appreciate it, not that I expect it. There's something about it that seems to help keep things on equal footing initially while we get to know each other before a power exchange becomes part of the dynamic.

- pixel

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