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The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 3:00:42 PM   
JakkthePirate


Posts: 6
Joined: 1/21/2008
Status: offline 		The Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules.

I am having a problem.  I have a submissive that makes more money then i do... a lot more. she has the ability and has in the past made as much in one month then I make in a year.  How do I react when she says "i made it i can spend it how she want."  Logicly and reasonably that is true.  I just dont know what to do.  punishment? ignore it and let it pass?  I am told patience is key.  she is a relitivly new sub but her defience is speratic yet very strong.   I try and dominate and regain control but how do you control something that does not want to be controled?


Profile   Post #: 1
RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 3:03:46 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		She should get a more ambitious Dom.

(in reply to JakkthePirate)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 3:08:25 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Perhaps as a submissive she doesn't want her finances controlled? I know its a limit of my subs so I don't interfere. I let him spend his money however he wants, but then again I make more then he does.
I don't think money has anything to do with how submissive (or Dominant)someone is, its their desire to serve, please and obey that you should appeal to as long as its within her limits.

Good luck,
~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to JakkthePirate)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 3:10:29 PM   
lalbobbilynn


Posts: 483
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline 		Did You two agree that You would have control of her monies when You collared her? Are You two 24/7 and she is not paying her agreed to portion? Did she ask You to take control at some point and now is back peddling simply to get what she wants? Is she doing things with her monies that You know to be illegal, thus harming Your property?

(in reply to JakkthePirate)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 3:14:58 PM   
MollyTroubletail


Posts: 44
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline 		Yes, what lalbobbielynn said above. What were the agreements between the two of you about money and your controling it?

(in reply to lalbobbilynn)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 3:16:51 PM   
MissHarlet


Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline 		Why do you feel you should control her monies ... and as has been asked before ... are you 24/7 is this a change from an agreement you had in the beginning ? Im not sure I understand the issue.

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to MollyTroubletail)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 3:22:00 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JakkthePirate

The Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules.

I am having a problem.  I have a submissive that makes more money then i do... a lot more. she has the ability and has in the past made as much in one month then I make in a year.  How do I react when she says "i made it i can spend it how she want."  Logicly and reasonably that is true.  I just dont know what to do.  punishment? ignore it and let it pass?  I am told patience is key.  she is a relitivly new sub but her defience is speratic yet very strong.   I try and dominate and regain control but how do you control something that does not want to be controled?





Did the two of you agree before she became yours that you would have control over her spending? If not, it's time to negotiate finances. That sounds like just the tip of the iceberg though. You stated that her defiance is sporadic, but strong. You are the one who knows how much of that you'll tolerate and if she keeps pushing you, well.. how much of that are you allowing to happen?

Look inward first, solve your personal issues, then set about taking care of the external matters. Patience is a great thing, but it's not nearly as important as consistency. If you say it, follow through and do it. She's new, so keep your rules simple, easy to remember and short for now. You can add layers as needed, but give her the opportunity to succeed in baby steps, first. Relationships aren't made in a day and the ones that last have strong foundations. So build it well or watch it crumble later. The choice is yours.


Celeste

< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 1/22/2008 3:35:38 PM >

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to JakkthePirate)
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RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 3:23:16 PM   
utterlybutterfli


Posts: 49
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

She should get a more ambitious Dom.


Ouch.
I'm not sure i think that ambition is the issue here. Did you negotiate what would happen with your finances before you began  your D/s relationship? In my experience, not every Dominant has control over his partner's bank account.
If this has not been negotiated, no, I don't think you can punish her - as for ignoring it - if it makes you unhappy and you feel like its a part of your lives that you would like some control over, then I can only suggest you discuss it further with her.Patience, is, quite often the key.

I do disagree on your point that the one who has the most money has the control in the relationship.If you are the Dominant then you *should* have control, no matter what the financial situation is. Maybe you could ask yourself if you need to control her chequebook in order to feel control of her if there are any issues in your ability to dominate her successfully. Also, when you ask how to control 'something' that does not want to be controlled? Well, you can't.

How she spends her money and whether she truly wishes to submit to you are not necessarily related issues. But I think you need to talk to her seriously about it.





(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 3:24:13 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

"i made it i can spend it how she want."


Huh? Who is spending what? You make it? She makes it? This sentence makes as much sense to me as the word "speratic", which is not in the dictionary.

Be that as it may, if "it does not want to be controlled", what are you doing with "it"? Are you saying she is a submissive who is not a submissive?

Maybe she has the same problem I do - not understanding what you mean.

(in reply to JakkthePirate)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 3:28:33 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: utterlybutterfli

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

She should get a more ambitious Dom.


Ouch.
I'm not sure i think that ambition is the issue here. Did you negotiate what would happen with your finances before you began  your D/s relationship? In my experience, not every Dominant has control over his partner's bank account.
If this has not been negotiated, no, I don't think you can punish her - as for ignoring it - if it makes you unhappy and you feel like its a part of your lives that you would like some control over, then I can only suggest you discuss it further with her.Patience, is, quite often the key.

I do disagree on your point that the one who has the most money has the control in the relationship.If you are the Dominant then you *should* have control, no matter what the financial situation is. Maybe you could ask yourself if you need to control her chequebook in order to feel control of her if there are any issues in your ability to dominate her successfully. Also, when you ask how to control 'something' that does not want to be controlled? Well, you can't.

How she spends her money and whether she truly wishes to submit to you are not necessarily related issues. But I think you need to talk to her seriously about it.





Well he doesnt appear to be more experienced than her and he doesnt seem to know how to control, so he does not seem like Dom material. maybe she has no respect? His post/ "I just dont know what to do". I find this annoying and whiny. he could never Dom me. Sorry it the truth.

(in reply to utterlybutterfli)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 3:34:22 PM   
utterlybutterfli


Posts: 49
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline 		Well, Yes, I found it a bit whiny too, if you want the truth and I no more want a whiny Dominant than you (or any other submissive that I can think of would).

Inexperience though, is a different matter, to me. I was inexperienced once asa submissive - and I've asked more than one stupid question about my relationship. In general I don't disagree with you. I just don't know if lack of ambition is where his problems lie, is all



(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 3:37:42 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		I suppose emptying her purse when she is bound is not a proper response huh?
oh well.........it was just a thought

Jeff

(in reply to JakkthePirate)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 3:39:03 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: utterlybutterfli

Well, Yes, I found it a bit whiny too, if you want the truth and I no more want a whiny Dominant than you (or any other submissive that I can think of would).

Inexperience though, is a different matter, to me. I was inexperienced once asa submissive - and I've asked more than one stupid question about my relationship. In general I don't disagree with you. I just don't know if lack of ambition is where his problems lie, is all





ok, well wrong wording. But maybe if he had made more money. I couldnt be with a Dom that made less than me. He is awfully young too. I find money to equal power and if he doesnt have power, he needs to get it.

(in reply to utterlybutterfli)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 3:41:46 PM   
lalbobbilynn


Posts: 483
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline 		Indeed, his profile states he is still on the young side, thus he seems to lack life experience as a whole. There seem to be many portions of this story that are missing, i do hope he returns to his post, and sheds some light on wherein the problem truly lies ... with his Doming ability or her submission, or quite possibly "their" communication skills as a couple.

(in reply to utterlybutterfli)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 3:45:24 PM   
lronitulstahp


Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline 		seriously not trying to be funny...are you a native speaker of English?

(in reply to JakkthePirate)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 6:07:08 PM   
brainiacsub


Posts: 1209
Joined: 11/11/2007
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

...snip... I couldnt be with a Dom that made less than me...snip...I find money to equal power and if he doesnt have power, he needs to get it.

Interesting statement...one that I happen to agree with but I think for the wrong reasons. I am curious to know how many Doms feel this way. Is money power to you? Can you have a relationship with a sub who makes more than you? Significantly more than you? Is this a man thing and not just a matter of dominance? Does it make you feel emasculated? Would it make a difference in a vanilla relationship?

Sorry Jakk, if you feel this is a hijack. Just tell me this is bad form and I'll go away.

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 6:18:56 PM   
LordShadow


Posts: 172
Joined: 7/13/2004
Status: offline 		Money only has the power you give it....
Perhaps I am looking at it from a different perspective and dynamic altogether, as I own slaves not subs...but it does seem to me that he is not her Master, Money is.
I can only speak for what I would do in my Home, and that would be to take her money and put it away, not spend it, just put it away where she cannot easily access it, ie. hide it.
then I would retake control of my Home and give her money as she begs for it, but only after she has earned it, by pleasing me.

_____________________________

Ride Hard Live Free
Shadow

True beauty is not seen with the eyes but rather felt in the heart...

(in reply to brainiacsub)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 6:30:51 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		The solution assuming there was an agreement that included monetary control is simple.
You agreed to the control, and now you want to change the agreement?
OK but when the renegotiation happens it will not be only the money that gets renegotiated.
And it may well be that renegotiation means the end of the relationship.

Consent to be controled is central to what we do.
If she is rebelling against the control then she has withdrawn her consent, or she never really intended to give it.


(in reply to LordShadow)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 6:37:33 PM   
mstrj69


Posts: 295
Joined: 5/27/2004
Status: offline 		Has she agreed to match you dollar for dollar for the relationship or maybe if she makes 4 times what you do, she contributes 80 percent of the cost of a vacation or a trip to a major event.  Is it a matter of not wanting you to spend her money or how she is spending it ?  I can guarantee you just about any sub on here who is working makes more than I do when it comes tax time as my net is 0 for the tax return.  Thus, I do not care if she has more than I do if she wants to submit to me, she will submit.  If she does not want me handling her finances, I may agree to it but she will never again bring up the subject.  She may answer any questions I ask but the subject is off limits for her to bring up and thus she can not even try to hold it over me.

(in reply to LordShadow)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: The Golden Rule - 1/22/2008 7:07:28 PM   
LordShadow


Posts: 172
Joined: 7/13/2004
Status: offline 		As I said, I am coming at it from a different perspective, as I do not work with subs, so what negotiations and all occur in D/s are beyond me.
a slave coming into this Home, there are no negotiations, it is my way or not at all, and this is understood BEFORE she comes to me, before we even meet the first time.
If a wench came to my Home and then decided to try to change the rules, its "Hasta La Vista, Baby",  there is no renegotiation, as there wasn't one in the first place. But again I am coming from the perspective of 24/7 TPE.

_____________________________

Ride Hard Live Free
Shadow

True beauty is not seen with the eyes but rather felt in the heart...

(in reply to mstrj69)
Profile   Post #: 20
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