Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Is the bottom really in charge after all?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Is the bottom really in charge after all? Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/30/2005 10:10:31 PM   
DeepWaters


Posts: 118
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline 		Its a funny dynamic if you think about it---

There are more dominant men in search of fewer submissive women---
which should makes us compete for your attention--

-which leaves you the supposed submissive with the "Power" of choosing the best Dom...

but a Dom by nature does not chase a woman, they come to him.

But it does beg the question:

Who really has the power
in this lifestyle dating realm?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 12:00:19 AM   
nenakajira


Posts: 221
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline 		You really want an answer to that?

In most BDSM circles the subs have the power. It is their limits.. their desires.. their beliefs that rule, for the most part. You can even see it on this site at times.

The best example on this site might be the idea of respect. You get girls who will flip if a man speaks to them, or to women in general, with lack of full respect. But on the flip side... they tend to do the same under the belief of "you must earn my respect". Its a very one sided belief, I suppose.

Have a good night.
nena{R}
Raven's whore

(in reply to DeepWaters)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 12:08:07 AM   
pandoravampire


Posts: 374
Joined: 12/6/2004
Status: offline 		Both have equal status, without a sub, there is no dom, without a dom, there is no sub.

as to the power? i have lots, i have so much, i invest it wisely; i give it to my Dom.
it ebbs and flows between us, around us, under us, through us.

Im a addict for a power exchange with my Sir. My need keeps me coming back for more, he feeds that need.

pandoravampire

(in reply to nenakajira)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 12:16:04 AM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Its a funny dynamic if you think about it---

There are more dominant men in search of fewer submissive women---
which should makes us compete for your attention--

-which leaves you the supposed submissive with the "Power" of choosing the best Dom...

but a Dom by nature does not chase a woman, they come to him.

But it does beg the question:

Who really has the power
in this lifestyle dating realm?


Power isn't really an issue if there's no games in the coupling. I worry about not pleasing Sir, not whether I get my way or not. Limits and safewords are useless if not used in a sincere way.

I don't know what crap you are reading or who you are listening to, but what's up with this: "but a Dom by nature does not chase a woman, they come to him." Well, if that were the case, very few Doms would have a partner. If you think that the Doms stand around while the 'sluts' just ooh and ahh and flash their tits in the hopes that they are picked by Him, you really aren't travelling in the circles I am.

Who wants to own just anyone? I mean, what Dom just wants any girl who will submit to them? What value is there in that? To own someone who anyone could have seems a bit pointless to me.

Sir and I chose each other. And he chased me around a bit because I was kind of oblivious to his wooings. So what? Does that make him less than a "natural, real Dom"? Not in my book, and not in anyone who knows him's book either.

Am I allowed to make decisions? Yes sometimes. Does he give me choices? Yes sometimes. Does that make him some kind of unnatural, pussy Dom? Not in the least.

So while we are begging questions, I'll posit one myself: What good is power in this lifestyle dating realm if you are always looking for a date?

L

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to DeepWaters)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 2:35:52 AM   
wetsub000


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline 		If we're talking 'this lifestyle dating realm' then I'd suggest we all have the power. To contact whom we want, to reply to whom we want, to ignore whom we want. As for the numbers, well I don't think they're a true reflection of who or what is out there plenty of people with multiple IDs, fake profiles or who just make a profile with no interest in perhaps doing more than browsing others for their own titillation.

(in reply to DeepWaters)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 3:00:23 AM   
UtahGoddess


Posts: 205
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Utah
Status: offline

Power is like a tide, it never rests completely on one shore.

Ms Sandi

_____________________________

"The Masochist desires to experience stronger sensations, but desires that it should be inflicted with Love. The Sadist desires to inflict stronger sensations, but desires that it should be felt as Love" Havelock Ellis The Project Gutenberg

(in reply to wetsub000)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 3:17:55 AM   
nella


Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline 		submission is a choice, and that choice is the submissive to take, so in that lie his or her power, he or she will search for a Dominant and may or may not choose to give that submission to him or her, but when that person is found, the submissive gives up some of his or her power, transfering it to the Dominant, how mutch power is transferd depends on the dynamic in that relationship.

(in reply to UtahGoddess)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 4:41:08 AM   
sanita


Posts: 338
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline 		to E/each their O/own.

_____________________________

Sometimes, He calls me "subbie." Sometimes, i call me "subbie." And if someone wants to call me a BBW, its flattering. Just don't call me false.

"Please do not show me your ass and expect me to read your mind." -Opencollar

(in reply to DeepWaters)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 4:42:17 AM   
nella


Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline
quote:

to E/each their O/own.


Amen.

(in reply to sanita)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 5:19:32 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		What a nonsense! Dom/me & sub each has a unique power that the other desires - which makes it an *equal* power. Bringing the two together to form a D/s dynamic is commonly known as POWER EXCHANGE.

Yep, she has the power to leave me or choose another blah blah.... Yet you imply the Dom/me doesn't because of alleged numbers? I believe in Nature's balance and there's really only one Dom for every fem/sub. The perceived imbalance from excessive Dom numbers is nothing but smoke in the form of wannabes and HNG's etc. Never lost a sub to one of them!

Focus50.

(in reply to DeepWaters)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 5:50:54 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DeepWaters
Who really has the power
in this lifestyle dating realm?

Everyone has the power, at all times.

I don't exchange power to the Owner, I transfer authority over my power.

Whether most dominants ALLOW the subs to use their power while the doms do not is their own choice.

(in reply to DeepWaters)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 6:17:09 AM   
MsIncognito


Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline 		Here's a slightly different spin. I've always believed that the person who has the ultimate power in ANY relationship (D/S or vanilla) is the one who has the least invested emotionally. IMO, the one with the least emotional investment is more likely to end the relationship if things aren't going well. Who was it that said that he who has the power to destroy something controls it? This could be either the Dom or the sub.

All the other stuff - limits, wants, needs, etc - is roleplay, IMO. Fun roleplay, but roleplay nonetheless.

(in reply to DeepWaters)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 6:22:24 AM   
Amaros


Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

but a Dom by nature does not chase a woman, they come to him.


It is true that women tend to choose the men, but "choosing" isn't the same thing as "chasing" - men "chase" the women, women decide whether they want to get caught or not - so in a sense the choice is on both sides, in the sense that Protagonist Lily describes.

Typically it works like this: when a male shows interest, the female will provide some sort of cue, verbal or kinesthetic (body language) that she wants to be persued, and the game is afoot. And there are all manner of variations of that.

Submission involves surrender and loss of control, with the understanding that the Dom will ease up if it gets to be too much, so very difficult to assign "who's in charge" - it is an exchange, with the Dom ostensibly in charge by mutual consensus, but the sub retaining certain key rights or privilages w/regard to maintaining his/her physical/mental integrity or stability, also by consensus, if that makes any sense - meaning it's incumbant on the Dom to recognize this, and allow the power dynamic to shift accordingly to avoid possible negative consequences, loss of trust, etc.

Thus the exchange the others are describing, which is synergistic, with both parites mutually benefitting.

Sorry to sound so clinical there, you might have picked this up from something I wrote in the other thread Deepwaters, I did not explain it fully there, it can get pretty complicated.

< Message edited by Amaros -- 8/31/2005 6:31:26 AM >

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 6:41:12 AM   
Amaros


Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline 		In short, it's best not to do too much second guessing based on theory - experience is the best guide here.

(in reply to Amaros)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 6:47:19 AM   
riskrewarded


Posts: 23
Joined: 8/26/2005
Status: offline 		People arent actually looking for the same thing, what is dom to one person wont be dom to another.

Lets face it our options on mates are limited because we are deviant from the norm.

No one decides what they are attracted to, I didnt wake up yesterday and say hmm i think Ill like boobs lol.

I know even though i think of myself as a dominant person not many people in the life are much like me so if Im a womans cup of tea she doesnt have much choice.

That said, what i find attractive is pretty rare too.

I find the internet to be a double edge sword because while you can chat with many people, the ladies tend to be worn down by guys just trying to run a train on them.

I think perhaps its harder for them simply because they need to sift through more people than us.

Just have to put in the time and meet lots of people and youll bump heads eventually.

Be patient its worth it

(in reply to DeepWaters)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 10:16:21 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Who really has the power in this lifestyle dating realm?


Masters or subs with "limits".

(in reply to DeepWaters)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 10:47:20 AM   
OnlySheIsWorthy


Posts: 7
Joined: 8/17/2005
Status: offline 		Until I've submitted to someone, yes I most certainly do hold the power. I don't see anything wrong with that. In my history, I've only been submissive to someone I'm involved with, not any stray master that crosses my path. I don't have to be submissive to every man I meet online. It's not up to someone to choose me, until I've chosen them. And who says a Dom doesn't have to chase a woman? Good luck on that one. Until you have a contract or an agreement, no one has to be submissive to you at all. This "supposed submissive" is full of power. Out of scene, I run my own life, and I wouldn't have it any other way. In scene, I'm also full of power, I merely channel it differently. A woman's power won't go away just to stoke your macho pride. Also, it's unwise to make such sweeping generalizations about female subs, as they happen to be untrue in many cases. Happy chasing.



See below. I didn't write this.

< Message edited by OnlySheIsWorthy -- 8/31/2005 11:03:52 AM >

(in reply to DeepWaters)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 11:00:38 AM   
NakedOnMyChain


Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		Once again, sorry all. I posted the above comment. I didn't realize I was still logged onto the hubby's account.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to OnlySheIsWorthy)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 12:00:54 PM   
Angrylibrarian


Posts: 214
Joined: 8/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedOnMyChain

Once again, sorry all. I posted the above comment. I didn't realize I was still logged onto the hubby's account.

Tip:

You can edit out your reply on husbands account to a blank or "oops" and repost under your account without offering apology. better yet edit out husbands account post and insert picture of yourself begging apology then repost under your account.

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Is the bottom really in charge after all? - 8/31/2005 12:14:11 PM   
NakedOnMyChain


Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		Thanks for the advice. I'm not exactly computer savvy. This is my punishment, though. That I leave it so everyone knows I goofed up.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to Angrylibrarian)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Is the bottom really in charge after all? Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094