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RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/24/2008 4:50:56 AM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
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From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
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kalista,

as someone who's been through a similar thing, i can completely understand this obsession. not knowing whether the person who did it has been held accountable can be really frustrating. rather than checking up on him online, though, is there someone you could contact through a victim advocate program who can keep tabs on his case for you and let you know as things develop? that way you still know someone is keeping watch, but you yourself aren't drawn into the obsession of checking up on him all the time, if that makes any sense.

i hope you are okay, and i am sorry you are dealing with this. if you ever need to talk please cmail me! *hugs*

annabelle.

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RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/24/2008 7:42:48 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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Tell him that yes, you know it isn't healthy, and you're working on moving on in therapy and he'll be the first to know when you have moved on. But until then to butt out because this is an issue for your therapist to deal with and being given an order that you can't possibly succeed at is just going to make everything worse.

Other than that, have you talked to your lawyer about suing the creep? Because it is an effective way to get back at him, if successful. Yeah, he won't go to jail but he still won't have a dime to his name until the judgment's paid off.

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RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/24/2008 7:46:40 AM

Justme696

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I would like the add that you already made a big step talking here, recoqnition is the first step to solving a issue.

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RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/24/2008 1:51:45 PM

Kalista07

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i would like to thank each and everyone of You for Your kind and thoughtful responses. i can not begin to tell You how much Your support has meant to me.....It has helped more than words can say.

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RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/24/2008 2:02:17 PM

Justme696

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that is nice to read at the end the day , yvw

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RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/24/2008 2:15:38 PM

DominaRapport

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Treat obsession like an unhealthy addiction. You've identified it needs to stop. Now you need to go through the steps any addict would. Support from a friend/family, a journal, a new hobby or strict schedual to keep you away from the addiction. Various methods work for various people, you'll need to find which works best for you. Best thing to do though. Do not hide it, do not try to 'sneak' around the topic. You have to decide to quit, and you will likely need someone's support to do it. Decide to quit, then follow through.

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RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/24/2008 2:19:31 PM

lilredny

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Joined: 11/11/2007
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I'm not sure if this has been said before but, here I go.

I've been through the horrible experience you endured and became obsessed with the guy (I wanted to see him dead). It took years of therapy and support from family and friends to get over it.
My advice would be then to STOP now! You are wasting your precious time. Let life and maybe even the police take care of it. A matter of Karma. Remember it is only you who's investing her time and energy on this jerk. Good luck and be well.

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RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/24/2008 4:03:24 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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Dearest kalista
in my personal opinion?
The Stockholm Syndrome is a psychological process that helped me understand how i became obsessive about an abuser and dare i say it felt loss both at the same time
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome
The syndrome might not be where you feel you are now, but then it remains a syndrome and hasn't yet been classified as a disorder....like all good syndromes, it just helps to know that others have been there, had it, still suffer from it......
i'll send mail.
Hugs and sharing here, finding your voice here and it being ok really does heal.
Prinsexx

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Post #: 28

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/24/2008 4:03:37 PM

giveeverything

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I'm so sorry that happened. I don't know that I would call it obsession, it seems like a pretty normal reaction to a horrific event. I would say do what you need to, while at the same time continue therapy and working to heal. You'll stop the behavior when you don't need to do it any more. Don't be too hard on yourself. Trying to gain a sense of justice (whether it happens or not) and monitor a situation may be your way of trying to gain control back over a traumatic experience. Seems reasonable to me. Because, frankly, it hasn't been that much time that has passed.

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Post #: 29

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/24/2008 4:10:26 PM

MadRabbit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Okay, so i've sat here a while tonight trying to figure out if this was the right format to do it in..... i still don't know, so please feel free to move it if i'm wrong....
Here's the deal: Some things happened about 7 1/2 months ago...... i don't really think i need to go into much detail here except to tell You that i know full well what my part in that situation was. About 6 months ago HE and i entered a relationship. Because HE was aware that the criminal in the situation was met through here, HE was okay with me frequently checking his profile (and that of his significant other's)..... Somehow, things have changed and HE no longer believes this is a healthy obsession of mine...i no longer check his profile on here (maybe 1 time per month) but do frequently check his legal status..... Part of it is selfish, i know that.... Part of it is i want to see this mother fucker do at least three fucking days in jail.....The reality though is that he probably never will......They are not going to charge himhe's simply been fighting a misdemeanor charge of interference with official acts for the past 7 1/2 months.
i hate when things come between HIM and i..... And i did apologize to HIM recently because i felt like i had allowed that to happen...And the deal we made was i would try my best to not check the criminal record, but couldn't make any promises.......
Anyone have any suggestions for how to let go of this shit? The obsessive part of it i mean?

And before anyone gets their panties in a wad, let me put out my normal "clarifier's" : 1. i've changed screen names since then, so if they figure it out and wanna step up to the plate good for fucking them, 2. Anyone doubting my claims i'd be happy to give either one or both of our information so You can check it out online as well....Or HELL, i'd even mail ya the copy of the rape report that i have.... and 4. Of course this is something HE and i talk about frequently and Yes, i'm still in therapy.
Thanks,
and i'm sorry if i'm coming off like a bitch tonight.

It sounds like you hate him and your letting that hate consume you.

Just reading your post brings to mind that all too famous quote of my favorite philosopher....

"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." -Nietzsche

I agree with Michael. Therapy.

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RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/24/2008 5:14:22 PM

Kalista07

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Once again i need to thank You all for Your kind and well thought out posts....They have already helped tremendously....

Okay well except for MadRabbit, who i currently want to stab in the eye.....But, of course with the most loving and respectful of gestures...

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RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/24/2008 6:18:07 PM

WingedSnake

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Joined: 2/8/2007
From: Dawn Weyr
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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3
snip

Anger is a step of the grieving process. Being angry and wanting justice are not unhealthy. Letting it control your life might be (although not really sure that's happening here).
snip

Thank you laurel for some very necessary words.

Ruth

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RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/24/2008 6:28:55 PM

WingedSnake

Posts: 61
Joined: 2/8/2007
From: Dawn Weyr
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Kalista,

my good wishes and thoughts are with you. I wish, that you will be able to let the past go, as traumatic and horrible this experience may have been, the real moment is now. Without fears from the past and without hopes in the future, is a kind of mantra a good friend and teache made for me many years ago. To reach the freedom to live in the everhappening moment, you have to let go the past and the fears (the terror) that it transports, but at the same time you have to let go of the future, if you do not anchor hopes in the future, it will be easiert to live in the moment.

This mantra helped me and a lot of my friends, to whom i gave this words along you life paths. I will think about you.

Ruth

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RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/24/2008 7:48:57 PM

DisenchantedLife

Posts: 193
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How long can you go with out checking? Say its a day? Check today and tomorrow tell yourself "if anything has happened, I'll find out the next day, nothing major will happen today. I won't be missing anything if I dont check" Get yourself into a rhythm of checking every other day. When you can do that with ease... make it every 2 days. Telling yourself the same thing. "nothing will happen in these two days, i won't miss anything" Make it an exciting game if you will. " i bet if i DONT check.. something might happen" or "if i keep checking so much, nothing will happen" When you're comfie waiting those 2 days.. make it 3 days.. or 4 days..

Self talk can be very useful. Talk to yourself. Waiting to check will not change anything. You will not be missing out. If he goes to jail.. he'll go to jail.. and waiting 1 day to know.. or 1 week.. won't change the fact that he went.

The key is to convince yourself you don't need to check right now. Its also to teach yourself patience when it comes to checking. Teaching yourself you don't need instant gratification and that gratification will come.. Another key is to gradually space out your "checking" so its less frequent. Eventually you'll get to checking once a month.. and then once every 6 months...

I play all sorts of silly games with myself. The waiting game. I build up my patience by knowing excatly when something will happen and just waiting. It WILL happen, I know its going to.. and its just waiting.. "only 2 hours till xxx happens" You can try that as you try and space out your checking. "only 23 hrs till I can check again"

There are all sorts of silly games to play with yourself, silly ways to manipulate yourself into doing something. Remember - if you tell yourself something long enough, eventually you will believe it.

hth

< Message edited by DisenchantedLife -- 1/24/2008 7:55:51 PM >

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RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/24/2008 8:58:08 PM

SailingBum

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Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

Once again i need to thank You all for Your kind and well thought out posts....They have already helped tremendously....

Okay well except for MadRabbit, who i currently want to stab in the eye.....But, of course with the most loving and respectful of gestures...

The OP posted to in another thread regarding yet another one of her obsession "how do I get it to stop". A relatively minor situation to my mind. I posted my view on the situation and got flamed and I expect to get flamed yet again.
In this post what happened was tragic and needs to be address through the legal system.
What is bothersome is the obsessive personality traits that the OP has. I can't remember if the OP is in therapy or not. Posting on here may provide moral support it does nothing to cure/help her underlying issues. Which is the cause.

To the OP I said it before I will say it again. Hate is a wasted emotion. The other person could care less if you hate them. They might however get some sort of perverse pleasure in it. Therapy therapy therapy.

BadOne

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Post #: 35

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/24/2008 11:12:02 PM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Badone

To the OP I said it before I will say it again. Hate is a wasted emotion. The other person could care less if you hate them. They might however get some sort of perverse pleasure in it. Therapy therapy therapy.
BadOne

Do you've any knowlidge about rape victims BadOne?
Through which cycles they go through?
How it's normal to Hate..?
Do you've any idea what it's like
when your safety is taken away?
They violated you?

Time...
Time will heal,
but it takes allot of time
so give her a break.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`

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RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/24/2008 11:35:37 PM

petpete

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Never the less dear Bum (but i love sailing) some of us not that anyone would rape me for any reason, we just dont like professionals thinking that they will better our lives... i never saw a shrink in my life and why should for any cowards reason she should have to undertake professional help which may lead to drugs and who the hell know's of next.. No offence Kiddo, (i sailled the fin class, lasers and as a kid i started from the optimist.. ) Stay on board sailor..

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RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/24/2008 11:56:32 PM

SailingBum

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From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessTeaze

Do you've any knowlidge about rape victims BadOne?
Through which cycles they go through?
How it's normal to Hate..?
Do you've any idea what it's like
when your safety is taken away?
They violated you?

Time...
Time will heal,
but it takes allot of time
so give her a break.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`

I don't know how knowing a rape victim has any bearing on my post but since you asked yes. My younger brother was raped he was not even a teenager at the time. A stranger took advantage of a kid. The cops caught the guy it was his 3 rd or 4 th offense and the guy walked. At the time sure I was pissed upset a whole range of emotions that a older brother in a tight family would have.

He recently lost his wife and explained to me how the Gilda Radnor support group has helped him deal with his loss. His oldest attempt to commit suicide after her mother passed. I know more about tragedy than I care to.

The point of my post was to have the OP seek therapy for the issues they are dealing with.

BadOne

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Post #: 38

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/25/2008 12:12:50 AM

SailingBum

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From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: petpete

Never the less dear Bum (but i love sailing) some of us not that anyone would rape me for any reason, we just dont like professionals thinking that they will better our lives... i never saw a shrink in my life and why should for any cowards reason she should have to undertake professional help which may lead to drugs and who the hell know's of next.. No offence Kiddo, (i sailled the fin class, lasers and as a kid i started from the optimist.. ) Stay on board sailor..

None taken it's not for everyone. There are other options support groups, crisis hotlines that type of thing.
Started out on a cal 25 and never looked back. "I cannot control the wind but I can adjust my sails". Sounds like life to me.

BadOne

(in reply to petpete)

Post #: 39

RE: How do You let go of obsessions? - 1/25/2008 12:21:12 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
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Im sorry to hear about your brother, Badone, the Op stated that she has therapy,
so I guess your question has been answered then?
I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`

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Post #: 40

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